Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 17

[Kayaking Mama]

Katheek77, just wanted to wish you peace. I can't say that I can imagine how you feel, but I can guess that in the same situation, I'd have similar conflicted feelings. Go easy on yourself!

[jessma]

Haven't had a chance to read through the entire thread yet, but just wanted to say "hi!" DH and I were just blessed withour first DC, our son Lennox. We are really leaning towards an only, but I'm a bit scared of the stereotypes. But, we waited a long time to have him (by choice) and I really feel like one just fits into our lives the best. Plus, since I'm already 36, I don't want to push my bio-luck. So, I'm really looking forward to seeing what everyone has to say, and getting to know you better.

[rupiezum]

Welcome, jessma! Most of the stereotypes have been proven to be just that, stereotypes.

[mom2savannah_grace]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

I just saw an add on TV for some form of female sterilization. It is permanent and takes a few months to work. Apparently, they go through the vaginal canal, so there is no incision.

www.essure.com

It looks kind-of creepy to me. I wonder what the side-effects would be of blocking the fallopian tubes? Oh well, I would definitely have to do a lot of research on this one. But, I thought of it when you posted.

I just found this tribe and I am responding to this post before I forget. When I am done reading I'll give a full intro.

Anyway, I had this procedure done at the beginning of April and got the all clear in July. The non-surgical aspect was what was appealling to me. I had twilight anesthesia (not by choice) for the procedure, so I don't remember anything about it. I went in at 7 am and was walking out the door at 9:15 am. I was back at work the next day with minimal cramps. If anyone has more specific questions, I'll be more than happy to answer them.

I chose to be sterilized because I am the one who doesn't want anymore children. Dh supports my choice and reasons for it, but I know he would like more children. I thought that just in case I was no longer in the picture (death or divorce) dh could still have children with someone else. If he was no longer in the picture, I would still not want any more children.

Off to finish reading the rest of the thread, and then I'll be back to share my joys and doubts about having an only.

[mom2savannah_grace]

First I want to give {{hugs}} to Katheek77!!

So I have a dd who will be 5 in just three short weeks and started Kindergarten this past week. I was a bit sad knowing I would never go through a first day of K again, but yet happy for this next stage of life with my dd.

Dd is an only mostly by choice. I had difficulty getting pg with her and we did try briefly when she was around 2, but I think it was due more to the societal pressure of having more than one more than the desire to have another. We obviously weren't successful TTC another and I was actually relieved by that, so that's when I knew I was done having children. As noted in my previous post, I made it permanent earlier this year and have not a single regret about it.

I realized a long time ago that I was not cut out to be a SAHM, but agreed to do so because we felt it was best for dd. I went back to work PT last year while dd was in preschool and just started FT this year since she is in all day K. I have been so happy being back at work and I think it has made me a better mom. I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.

Most of my family seems to be pretty understanding about dd being an only, so that has helped. My mom is finally getting used to the idea, but she struggles with it because the two onlies she knows that are now adults (her neice and her partner's son) are both a mess. However, I think that is also due to their upbringings and not due to the fact they are onlies.

Glad to have found this tribe and will have to remember to check in on it. Dd and I are off to our town's carnival.

[loitering]

Ooh, I'm also joining! (and subbing)

I haven't read much yet either, but here's my situation. I'm 20 yo with a 16mo and I've been single since just after I got pregnant.

Now I love my life, love my son, and honestly can't imagine having two small children at once. And the baby-obsession I used to have before I had ds is completely gone now. I would much rather spend time with him than anyone else's baby!

BUT, I do want to have another child in about ten years. This is a wild guess, but I figure I'll meet the love of my life someday and I will probably want another child. And I'd still be young enough that I'd have the house to myself when I'm 55 or whatever. So my son is going to be an only for quite a long time, but eventually I want to do this whole crazy thing again Probably. hehe

I can't wait to read more!

[EnviroBecca]

Tiffany, I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.

[Juliacat]

Originally Posted by mom2savannah_grace

I chose to be sterilized because I am the one who doesn't want anymore children.

That makes a lot of sense to me. I'm glad you were able to find a non-surgical procedure for it.

I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.

Yeah, I can understand that, too.

I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.

That makes me happy--since it's also a possibility for our family.

[Juliacat]

Oh, also, Savannah Grace was born on my wedding day. Wonderful day!

[Kayaking Mama]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

Tiffany, I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.

I'm one of those--my brother is 9 years younger than I am. I think of myself more as an only since I was one for so long. My brother and I were not especially close growing up--I left for college when he was 9, so I missed most of his growing up. I don't know if I'd say we're close now--we don't fight, but we don't really talk a lot either. He lives a few hours away, and we see each other several times a year. We've actually gotten closer since my son was born.

[mom2savannah_grace]

Originally Posted by Juliacat

Oh, also, Savannah Grace was born on my wedding day. Wonderful day!

Congratulations on 5 years of marriage!

[lisalou]

My mother is technically the daughter of a woman who had two onlies. I don't think she felt like an only once her sister was born when she was 10. But her life changed pretty drastically with it, my grandfather who had been in the air force retired at the same time and took more of an interest in raising children especially my aunt.

I worry too about what would happen if something happened to dd. But it never crossed my mind to have another child as backup. DH and I were talking about this and we both realized that we kind of feel sorry for younger children whose purpose may be to be a back up plan or keep their older sibling company or make sure the older sibling isn't alone when the parents die, etc. I know that's not the entire reason why people have more than one children but I could never actually say to someone who was arguing with me about having an only something along these lines. But I can say it here, right? :

I do have a question now that dd has started school and she's made one friend who is there on Tues and Thurs but now 3 days into the start of school hasn't made any friends for the other 3 days of the week. And I know I'm overreacting and worrying too much and who cares if she makes friends as long as she's happy. But my question is do you think you worry or overanalyze your child more when you only have one than a parent who has 2 or 3? And any tips on stopping oneself from overworrying would be appreciated. Esp from my dh who would like to not be the only one to stop me from going over the deep end.

[Maluhia]

: I'm Mama to a 2 1/2 year old DD who was a planned only. We got pregnant easily and probably could again but we wanted the small family we have esp. with DP in the military and all the moving.

I've got a lot of the same rants but I've just come to peace with other's opinions being theirs and not important to me or DD. She's social and sweet and starts preschool next month which I know she'll love and I'll keep busy for those four hours each day.

I think we stop stressing about our children in general when we stop comparing them - onlies to onlies, onlies to siblings, etc. We know our child is an individual just like siblings are not the same and comparing just leaves us Moms feeling uncertain. It's like birth - trust yourself - you know when something is right or wrong and your DC does too

[caspian's mama]

i think it's natural as parents to worry about the kids, sometimes even to the point of obsession. i know it's one of my personality traits too, so i just have to learn to live with it. i used to be really bad when he was younger, but as time has gone by i've loosened the reins a bit. sometimes i worry if i'm making the right decisions (mostly when i'm letting my family's mainstream ideas seep in), but i'd rather be wondering how to get him to stop cutting up every sheet in the house (don't ask) than how to get him to stop beating the sh*t out of his sibling.

oh, and lisalou, i love your location. how's that coming along, btw? i haven't heard much about it recently. (i'm in maine. kinda makes us hick cousins.)

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by mom2savannah_grace

I realized a long time ago that I was not cut out to be a SAHM, but agreed to do so because we felt it was best for dd. I went back to work PT last year while dd was in preschool and just started FT this year since she is in all day K. I have been so happy being back at work and I think it has made me a better mom. I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.

I so, so, so hear you on this. Actually, I'm not cut out to be a WOHM either. I'm a grad student, working on a dissertation, planning a career either in academia or writing. I work on my dissertation piecemeal, and find it so frustrating. I just want to have the kind of time and sustained mental energy I need to get it done. But I also feel very strongly about staying home with dd (and since she has a dozen serious food allergies, outside care is too anxiety-producing right now). I could NEVER do this again, but I would not be comfortable having another child if I wasn't willing to, if that makes sense.

[EnviroBecca]

do you think you worry or overanalyze your child more when you only have one than a parent who has 2 or 3?

Maybe not compared to a parent of 2 or 3, but definitely compared to parents of many. (Of course, there are exceptions to everything: My grandma had 5 children and 8 grandchildren and was deeply involved with every one of us...not worry so much as lots of analysis and observation and trying to encourage the good and help with the bad in exactly the right way for each individual. ) I've known many parents of 5 or more who speak of their kids as a mass and don't seem to give much thought to their individual needs, who are putting so much energy into keeping the kids fed and clean and schooled that they don't have time to really focus on the kids' feelings or experiences. There are parents of 2 or 3 who are like that, too, but I don't see it as such a consistent pattern. I have one sibling, and by comparison to friends who have many siblings, I think my parents were much more focused on and worried about me...sometimes too much, but usually it was helpful.

I tend to worry about and overanalyze everything. I find that trying just to quit that is useless. What works for me is diverting my fretting from issues that are baffling me (either I don't understand what's wrong, or all my attempts to budge the problem have failed) to other issues that I haven't fretted on yet--kind of like setting down the knot that won't come undone and picking at a different knot for a while, instead of trying to stop thinking about the fact that my rope is tangled!

For your specific situation, Lisalou, I'd set aside the issue of making friends and analyze other parts of your daughter's school experience. Does she like the teachers? Does she like things she's doing in school? Is she learning stuff? etc.

[lisalou]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

For your specific situation, Lisalou, I'd set aside the issue of making friends and analyze other parts of your daughter's school experience. Does she like the teachers? Does she like things she's doing in school? Is she learning stuff? etc.

She loves the school. And even after saying some kid ran away from her yesterday she said she had a good day and likes school. I know part of it is also my own introvert issues and my suspicions that dd is an introvert as well. I was labeled with having socialization problems as a child not disruptive behaviour but just I spent too much time by myself. I worry that dd will have to go through that if she continues to not need to socialize with other kids.

I have wondered if her ease in making friends with adults and not as much with peers is a function of being an only. I'm glad her Tues/Thurs friend seems so bent on making dd her friend. When I get too worried about her making friends I try to focus on the idea that if she's happy with herself it will be easier for her to avoid the problems that peer pressure can sometimes present.

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

I've known many parents of 5 or more who speak of their kids as a mass and don't seem to give much thought to their individual needs, who are putting so much energy into keeping the kids fed and clean and schooled that they don't have time to really focus on the kids' feelings or experiences. There are parents of 2 or 3 who are like that, too, but I don't see it as such a consistent pattern. I have one sibling, and by comparison to friends who have many siblings, I think my parents were much more focused on and worried about me...sometimes too much, but usually it was helpful.

I've seen similar things. Heck my own parents considered me the easy child and my sister the child they needed to spend extra time worrying about. DD will get the benefits of being the easy child and the one I worry about.

[cupofjojo]

Been A WHile

Hi Folks:

Sorry it has been SOOOOOOO Long since posting. Our summer has been quite frantic. I ruptured an ear drum and was down a long time with that and each time I tried getting on the computer would get dizzy. Then had an unexpected trip back to PA to say my goodbyes to my dad. He's 88 and had unexpected heart problems. It was a great visit so if something happens between now and our next plan visit, I'll know I got to see him one last time.

Anyway we are beginning a homeschool adventure with DS and so far so good.

Can't wait to get caught up.

[avaylee]

Subbing to this thread...

My DD is 5 months old and we were fairly certain before we got pregnant that she would be an only. My DH has a sibling, but they had a horrible relationship growing up. My sister and I are 9 years apart, so we're basically two onlies.

While we have yet to make the permanent decision to have DD be an only, I honestly cannot fathom how people have more than one most days. I love being able to devote my energy to just one, and being able to focus attention on my house, my marriage, my self when she is sleeping or otherwise entertained. In addition, I've very aware of the environmental impact each of us makes on this planet, and that affected our decision about having two or one.

Now to catch up on the rest of the thread.

[earthgirl]

Hello, just a quick intro. I am an only raising an only. My DD is almost 10 mos and we decided on the size of our family before I ever got pregnant. I'm glad to have found this thread!