Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 20

[Juliacat]

My dh REALLY only wants to have one, though he will tolerate discussion of having a second child in the far-flung future as long as it's framed in the "if, maybe" context. So I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a partner who wanted to have more children than I did. Honestly, I would probably go ahead and do it since I assume I would have more support that way. So, it's probably good that he only wants one since I am the stay-at-home parent at the moment and I do not even have the patience for one child most days.

[rambunctiouscurls]

Originally Posted by Juliacat

My dh REALLY only wants to have one, though he will tolerate discussion of having a second child in the far-flung future as long as it's framed in the "if, maybe" context. So I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a partner who wanted to have more children than I did. Honestly, I would probably go ahead and do it since I assume I would have more support that way. So, it's probably good that he only wants one since I am the stay-at-home parent at the moment and I do not even have the patience for one child most days.

(bolding: mine) oh I hear YA!!!!! Although it's getting easier as she is getting older! we dealt with a lot of sleep deprivation with her. Now, we can take road trips on a whim and life is just getting back to normal. I feel so bad for wanting an only child for *selfish reasons* and I know, if mama ain't happy.......
still, dh longs for having more kids now and suddenly I feel so unsure. It's one thing to explain to relatives or friends why you are absolutely content with an only but totally another to your partner.

[mama2zoe]

Hi! It's been so comforting reading everyone's posts in this tribe. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying and it also gave me a lot to think about (mostly on the benefits of having an only.) I'm an only and so far we have an only. I had a hard time getting pg with her and we have been half-heartedly trying for another, but I'm really starting to feel like I want to stop all that and keep our happy family of three. I've been a sahm and dd is now in half-day montessori and I've been getting back to work and am also trying to start a new career as a freelancer from home. We went to Europe this summer and it was so much fun to bring dd along - but I can't imagine doing that with two (too expensive, too much luggage, too much time before a new baby would be old enough for it to be fun...) Honestly, it's the extra plane ticket that's becoming more and more of a deal-breaker for me - we live far from both of our folks and travel at least twice a year to see them. With another kid I think it would be really hard to have additional money left over to travel other places - and I have tons of other places I want to take dd. Also, do you ever wonder about what life would be like if you lost your dp? I don't want to be left taking care of two kids by myself if something were to happen to him. (That sounds horrid, but I do think about it.) Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one. Dh would like to stop at dd - for a lot of reasons, but a huge one for him is the environment (which I'm sort of surprised more people haven't talked about on here?) Pp have mentioned Bill McKibben's book "Only One" which I also highly recommend! But on the other hand...

I'm an only and when I was growing up I ALWAYS wanted a sibling. I begged my parents for a sibling and felt jealous of kids who had them. In hindsight I probably idealized the idea and most likely wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I thought I would. When I was really young I wanted someone to play with (although I was really good about playing by myself and had a lot of friends who came over to play.) As a teenager I wanted someone to confide in. But since leaving home it hasn't been an issue for me. I never think about being an only, it's just the way I am. I have my parents, my dh and dd, two aunts I'm close to and a lot of friends. I don't feel anything is missing. Despite all that I waffle when it comes to thinking about dd - would she be happier with or without a sibling? I have no idea! But I'm not sure that her possible need for a sibling should be our deciding factor. I love the idea of being pg again (after the 4 months of puking is over) and I love little babies, but I honestly didn't love having my own little baby (loved dd, just didn't love nightwaking) and was too tired to fully enjoy how cute she was. I think I love the idea more than the reality.

Another big one for me has been if something were to happen to dd. One of my aunts, who I'm very close to, lost her 7 year old son to leukemia when I was pg with dd. Honestly though, it was so devastating for them, I think it was good that they didn't have another child - they just separated (really common after losing a child). I don't know, having another means having another to potentially lose and nothing could replace dd or make up for losing her.

Because I'm an only dd has no aunts, uncles or cousins on my side. Dh has two brothers who he is not at all close to (in fact it's one of the reasons he thinks she should be an only). His brothers rarely see dd and they don't have any kids and probably won't. Dd's immediate family is very small. But what I'm realizing is that our small family is ideal for dh and I and if dd wants a large family she can have that with her own dp!

Anyways, that's my ramblings. I've been weighing this in my head for three years now! It feels really good to get it all out. Now that I've convinced myself an only is the best way to go hopefully I'm not pg! (we were still sort of half-heartedly trying this month.)

[AntMom]

Hi MamatoZoe,

I could have written your post! I too took a long time (3.5 years) to get pg with my ds, and have been halfheartedly "trying" for another. As an only myself, I have a hard time imagining life with two kids and what it would be like for my ds.

Right now I am totally content with my only, although I have all the same fears you do about something happening to someone (hard to put that into words). I love the closeness that we have and it's hard to imagine adding another person into the equation. And life right now is pretty easy; having another kid would be tough. I know we could do it, but I'm not sure I would want to.

My best friend IRL is also an only with an only, so it helps that we have each other, and our kids have each other to play with. And my ds is has plenty of friends at school. He's much more outgoing than I am because he has so many activities. (When I was a kid, we didn't have so many things to do!) He started preschool this fall, and because it's a coop, I am required to be a parent helper once a month. I was shocked to find out that siblings are not allowed when you're the helper--so if I did have a baby, I'd have to leave it at home on those days. Since I could never do that to a baby, I was sort of relieved not to have to deal with that. I just love the days I am there with my ds--it's a special time. I see so many of his friends that are the same age who are ignored while their moms are busy with siblings, and it's nice to know that I can just pay attention to him.

I'm sort of rambling this morning so I'm going to stop now, but thank you for sharing your experience. I get so much out of hearing everyone else's experiences.

[mama2zoe]

Hi Antmom! I know what you mean about having a hard time envisioning adding another child to the mix when you've never experienced it first-hand. I think that is so great that you have a friend who is an only with an only. Most of the moms I know have at least two or are pg or trying for more. It really helps to "talk" to some like-minded women/moms. I think sometimes I get caught up reading about moms who have more kids and start idealizing again... If I'm honest with myself though I know it just isn't right for my family.

[msjd123]

Originally Posted by mama2zoe

Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one.

:

This is one of my "tests" and it never fails. Before I got pregnant with DD, I had major baby fever. Now, no more. Sometimes I'm unsure about whether we'll really just stick with one, or I'm wistful when I try to picture us as a family of 4, but jealous? NO WAY. If we ever do decide to have another, I think I'll see the first year as a necessary evil because there is nothing in me that wants to do that all over again.

[RoundAbout]

Originally Posted by mama2zoe

Hi! It's been so comforting reading everyone's posts in this tribe. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying and it also gave me a lot to think about (mostly on the benefits of having an only.) I'm an only and so far we have an only. I had a hard time getting pg with her and we have been half-heartedly trying for another, but I'm really starting to feel like I want to stop all that and keep our happy family of three. I've been a sahm and dd is now in half-day montessori and I've been getting back to work and am also trying to start a new career as a freelancer from home. We went to Europe this summer and it was so much fun to bring dd along - but I can't imagine doing that with two (too expensive, too much luggage, too much time before a new baby would be old enough for it to be fun...) Honestly, it's the extra plane ticket that's becoming more and more of a deal-breaker for me - we live far from both of our folks and travel at least twice a year to see them. With another kid I think it would be really hard to have additional money left over to travel other places - and I have tons of other places I want to take dd. Also, do you ever wonder about what life would be like if you lost your dp? I don't want to be left taking care of two kids by myself if something were to happen to him. (That sounds horrid, but I do think about it.) Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one. Dh would like to stop at dd - for a lot of reasons, but a huge one for him is the environment (which I'm sort of surprised more people haven't talked about on here?) Pp have mentioned Bill McKibben's book "Only One" which I also highly recommend! But on the other hand...

Wow, I could have written this paragraph myself. I do wonder about losing my DH a lot, since he is military and deploys frequently. I'm already a single mom a lot of the time which is one reason why I want to stop at one, but the idea of being widowed and supporting two little ones by myself is just overwhelming.

Travel is also a big thing for us (two international trips planned in the next months) and plane tickets add up fast.

Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.

[katheek77]

Originally Posted by RoundAbout

Wow, I could have written this paragraph myself. I do wonder about losing my DH a lot, since he is military and deploys frequently. I'm already a single mom a lot of the time which is one reason why I want to stop at one, but the idea of being widowed and supporting two little ones by myself is just overwhelming.

Travel is also a big thing for us (two international trips planned in the next months) and plane tickets add up fast.

Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.

DH is military as well, and is working very long hours right now. I temporarily lost my sanity and decided, heck, Katie (15.5 mos) and I were going out to dinner last night. Alone. In public. With food. Alone. (Did I mention the part about being alone with a 15mos old in a food establishment? )
Ye gads. It worked! Holy cow. I went in prepared to scoop her up, get the food wrapped, pay, and go out the door in 2 mins flat if necessary. But we were there for 35 minutes..without a *single* scream, yell, flung piece of food, etc. I came out, in SHOCK, and was crying for joy in the car. Literally. Because it's like I have a little piece of my life back. I love to eat out...but with a 15 mos old? But, apparently, sometimes, I can. I cannot A) Imagine starting over or B) having to have TWO (or more kids whose behavior I'd have to "gamble" on, so to speak. The relative ease of it (yeah, sure I had to hold the glass for her, and cut up some of her food, while feeding myself, but, come on...easy-peasy at this point) just reinforced the decision that I enjoy our little party of three (or two, as the case may sometimes be). I am feeling much more confident in my tentative plan to get her passport ordered and becoming a jet-setter with her (DH's schedule will probably not allow it, and nothing's guaranteed anyway).

I agree with the "referee". It seems even kids who get along really well with their siblings most of the time STILL have something they argue over *every* single day, whether it's who gets the blue socks or the last banana or whatever.

DH went to BNCOC when Katie was 4 weeks old. Holy cow. And then again when she was 3.5 months (it was split). I nearly lost my sanity. With ONE child. I can't imagine it with two..at least with one, I could sort of do the "sleep when she sleeps" and take a break when she napped or whatever...with two???? Or with DH deployed for a year??? Uh-uh. I'd like to hold onto the last smidge of sanity left, thank you very much .

[Longhorn]

We arent pregnant yet, but when we do, it will be our only child. We have many nieces and nephews that we dote upon and we live very active lifestyles and travel EVERYWHERE. We still want to be able to do that and think that only have one child will allow us the freedom we want but still give us the happiness we crave from a child.
We have discussed 'possibly' adopting a toddler or young child internationally perhaps when our own child is older, but that is just talk. I don't know if we'd actually go through with it, though.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by msjd123

:

This is one of my "tests" and it never fails.

I love this idea of the "test." It's a great way to think about it.

Originally Posted by RoundAbout

Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.

Wow! So many military Moms here. You ALL are amazing. I don't know how you do it. I'm freaking out when DH is a few minutes late home from work...DD has emptied the cereal box, cat food, taken out the Tupperware for the 34th time that day etc...

Originally Posted by katheek77

DH is military as well, and is working very long hours right now. I temporarily lost my sanity and decided, heck, Katie (15.5 mos) and I were going out to dinner last night. Alone. In public. With food. Alone. (Did I mention the part about being alone with a 15mos old in a food establishment? )
Ye gads. It worked!

That is so awesome of you! Good for you (and DD) to get out and treat yourselves. Sometimes I think our children are way, way more perceptive than we give them credit for. Perhaps she sensed your need to get out. I've also found the change of scenery, generally means she's happier and easier to entertain. I'm not sure about the military lingo...when do you expect your DH can come home?

Originally Posted by Longhorn

We arent pregnant yet, but when we do, it will be our only child. We have many nieces and nephews that we dote upon and we live very active lifestyles and travel EVERYWHERE. We still want to be able to do that and think that only have one child will allow us the freedom we want but still give us the happiness we crave from a child.
We have discussed 'possibly' adopting a toddler or young child internationally perhaps when our own child is older, but that is just talk. I don't know if we'd actually go through with it, though.

Welcome! That's great you found the tribe, even before your little one arrives!! We always planned for just one and still feel good about that decision. But, as you said...life is not etched in stone. I wonder if you will continue to travel, when the baby arrives? I know some people who do. They take the baby to Cancun, on cruises etc...We're kind of homebodies...but we hope to resume traveling someday. ($$

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

Wow! So many military Moms here. You ALL are amazing. I don't know how you do it. I'm freaking out when DH is a few minutes late home from work...DD has emptied the cereal box, cat food, taken out the Tupperware for the 34th time that day etc...

Ditto. And ditto! (I'd write more but I am tired from all day with my only!)

[katheek77]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

Wow! So many military Moms here. You ALL are amazing. I don't know how you do it. I'm freaking out when DH is a few minutes late home from work...DD has emptied the cereal box, cat food, taken out the Tupperware for the 34th time that day etc...

(

Honestly, at times, it's easier with him gone : I get SOOOOO annoyed if he ends up being late while he's here...I sort of plan for him to be home at a certain time, and if he's late, it can throw everything off. Ie...if he's supposed to be home at 8, and DD had a late nap, I'll sometimes let her stay up, hold off her bath, etc., so she can play with him when he gets home. So, if he calls at 820 to say he won't be home until 930...I've got a cranky baby who still needs a bath, a book, and to be put to sleep :

When it's just Katie and I, I already know there won't be any "relief pitching" so to speak, and I pace myself.... You kind of get into a groove...although I would NOT want to do it for a year with a baby. That's just incredible to me.

And, right now, my DH is home. He's supposed to go to ANCOC (advanced non-commissioned officer course) sometime this winter/spring if they can get him a spot...I believe that will be 6.5 weeks.

[devster4fun]

bumpity bump bump

[mom2PJS]

Thanks for the bump of this post. I've read about 10 of the 20 pages and it's helped me alot. We have a wonderful 20 month old. Our plan was for one, but lately we're both feeling all of this pressure from the outside world, and feeling a little guilty because our reasons for one are somewhat selfish. We are both doubting what we still feel in our hearts is the right decision. And after 4 months of colic and nursing drama and 14 months of awake every 2 hours and unpredictable patterns our little person is becoming someone I can relate too. We went to Maui (to visit grandma) 4 times last year and Europe for a month... I cant imagine how bedraggled we would be with 2 or 3 to chase around an airport.

"She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture"

That's someone else's, but after 9 years of marriage and 16 years together, it sums it up for us. Who is to say that 2 is such the perfect number? Why not 1? Why not 6? I'm going to see if the library has "only one."

[mikaela]

Originally Posted by mom2PJS

We have a wonderful 20 month old. Our plan was for one, but lately we're both feeling all of this pressure from the outside world, and feeling a little guilty because our reasons for one are somewhat selfish.

There seems to be a general feeling (not just here) that choosing not to have children, or to have only one child, is selfish. I agree with that, but only in the sense that deciding *to* have children, however many, is just as selfish.

We choose not to have babies for ourselves, just as we choose *to* make babies for ourselves. Why, I wonder, the double standard?

PS: Help a sister out - what's the whole "bumpity bump" thing?

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by mikaela

PS: Help a sister out - what's the whole "bumpity bump" thing?

Welcome to the tribe! "Bumping" is just a reply that moves a thread up to the top of the list so it doesn't get lost on page 2, etc.

[mom2PJS]

Originally Posted by mikaela

There seems to be a general feeling (not just here) that choosing not to have children, or to have only one child, is selfish. I agree with that, but only in the sense that deciding *to* have children, however many, is just as selfish.

We choose not to have babies for ourselves, just as we choose *to* make babies for ourselves. Why, I wonder, the double standard?

PS: Help a sister out - what's the whole "bumpity bump" thing?

Honestly I think that having a child and nursing her for the past 20 months has been a pretty selfless act. I am so totally committed to that little person that I have to remind myself to take time out to keep myself sane. That said, my reasons for choosing an only are selfish. When DH and I start talking about pros and cons of another baby "we can travel more, we have more time as a couple, we have more money, only one potential college education, DD will get more focused attention, we don't have to split our focus, I can retire at 50, what if the next kid has special needs?, I really don't ever want to see that breast pump again" seems very selfish as compared to some of our lets have a baby arguments.

I think your statement is fair because if we made the choice to have another it would be for "selfish" reasons also.

Bump keeps the post up in the "active" pages of the tribes so that new people like me can find it.

[RoundAbout]

Originally Posted by katheek77

Honestly, at times, it's easier with him gone : I get SOOOOO annoyed if he ends up being late while he's here...I sort of plan for him to be home at a certain time, and if he's late, it can throw everything off. Ie...if he's supposed to be home at 8, and DD had a late nap, I'll sometimes let her stay up, hold off her bath, etc., so she can play with him when he gets home. So, if he calls at 820 to say he won't be home until 930...I've got a cranky baby who still needs a bath, a book, and to be put to sleep :

When it's just Katie and I, I already know there won't be any "relief pitching" so to speak, and I pace myself.... You kind of get into a groove...although I would NOT want to do it for a year with a baby. That's just incredible to me.

And, right now, my DH is home. He's supposed to go to ANCOC (advanced non-commissioned officer course) sometime this winter/spring if they can get him a spot...I believe that will be 6.5 weeks.

Wow. I could have written every word of this! I also don't feel much need to have a super clean home or to look good or to cook when its just DS and I so that takes the pressure off quite a bit (not that DH cares about any of this, but I do, and I just let it all hang out when he is gone).

It won't say its great, and we have our tough moments where I wish DH was home to take care of something, but its not nearly as bad as people think. The military community is also very supportive - our gym has a free child care co-op so I get out several hours a week, and the hospital has free child care for appointments, etc.

[RoundAbout]

Originally Posted by mom2PJS

That said, my reasons for choosing an only are selfish. When DH and I start talking about pros and cons of another baby "we can travel more, we have more time as a couple, we have more money, only one potential college education, DD will get more focused attention, we don't have to split our focus, I can retire at 50, what if the next kid has special needs?, I really don't ever want to see that breast pump again" seems very selfish as compared to some of our lets have a baby arguments.

Yes, but many of these issues are just as much for your child's sake as for your own - college, travel, a stable loving marriage, attention. For instance, I have some genetic issues in my family so I too worry about having a child with special needs. But its not just that I don't want the difficulties of having a SN child (if that were the case I would not have risked having a child at all), but its that I worry that I would be shortchanging both kids if I had to split my attention.

I also like the quote about preserving and nurturing one's marriage. I see sooo many couples where there is a huge disconnect with each other because their whole marriage is about the kids and not about each other. That's one difference I see between us and our friends who have multiple kids - DH and I were happy before kids, and feel like DS just added some richness to an already wonderful life. But for a lot of people the whole marriage is really about having kids, and there wouldn't be much there without the kids, and the couple relationship is really secondary. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that, but its not what I want.

I think the reasons most people have for wanting another baby are entirely selfish - they just doesn't *sound* as selfish.

[mikaela]

Originally Posted by RoundAbout

...many of these issues are just as much for your child's sake as for your own - college, travel, a stable loving marriage, attention. For instance, I have some genetic issues in my family so I too worry about having a child with special needs. But its not just that I don't want the difficulties of having a SN child (if that were the case I would not have risked having a child at all), but its that I worry that I would be shortchanging both kids if I had to split my attention...

I think the reasons most people have for wanting another baby are entirely selfish - they just doesn't *sound* as selfish.

Precisely