Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 3

[karlin]

I'm glad others out there aren't huge fans of the baby stage either. I loved every milestone my DS hit, since it meant he was growing up. I bet when you have multiple children, they do seem to grow up really quickly since it's so much work to raise kids and time flies when you're busy.

I used to love being my son's only playmate, but now I'm growing tired of it. There's only so many times we can play "spaceship crashes on mars". He makes up these elaborate games, and insists on playing them over and over again. My son was in Montessori preschool, which helped with some of this. I took him out this month because he was really acting out (we're moving and some kids were saying things to him that hurt his feelings). I know he'll have to learn to deal with that stuff (mean kids) eventually. But I kind of felt like I was paying money for him to be treated poorly. And at 3 years old, I don't see why I can't protect him until he's emotionally more capable of understanding and responding. Now I have to arrange playdates, but only with kids that are calmer or only have siblings that are very young. That's fine for me though, since I like it more calm too. I think dealing with my son's sensitivity has been tougher than him being an only. I really dislike it when people blame his lack of siblings for his shy behavior.

[cupofjojo]

Building friendships with other kids - what advice can you offer.

We have 2 sets of children DS loves to play with and in particular each family has a boy DS's age that we'd love to have DS get to spend more time with. We're trying to develop them into more of a friendship. Both have multiple children and we like hanging out with them but also DS would love to just hang out with the boy(s) of each family on occasion.

Any advice? It just seems like it would be strange to just invite the boy. I'm new at this so I don't even really know. Up 'til now DS has played with anyone and everyone. But said the other day how he'd just like to play with the boy and not his 2 sisters.

[cupofjojo]

Venting - I need to get a few things done on the computer today and it is one of those days where DS wants a lot of attention/help with things. I still am not sure of ways to get him to do things a little more independently and I hate resorting to a movie or something to just get him occupied.

Anything work with your toddler?

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by cupofjojo

Building friendships with other kids - what advice can you offer.

We have 2 sets of children DS loves to play with and in particular each family has a boy DS's age that we'd love to have DS get to spend more time with. We're trying to develop them into more of a friendship. Both have multiple children and we like hanging out with them but also DS would love to just hang out with the boy(s) of each family on occasion.

Any advice? It just seems like it would be strange to just invite the boy. I'm new at this so I don't even really know. Up 'til now DS has played with anyone and everyone. But said the other day how he'd just like to play with the boy and not his 2 sisters.

I think it will be understood for a little boy your ds's age to want to play with the boys alone sometimes.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by cupofjojo

Venting - I need to get a few things done on the computer today and it is one of those days where DS wants a lot of attention/help with things. I still am not sure of ways to get him to do things a little more independently and I hate resorting to a movie or something to just get him occupied.

Anything work with your toddler?

Could you keep a neat toy that your ds will only get to play with when you need to get things done? Can you get your ds started with something and set a timer for him so he knows when you will be free to pay attention to him again?
My dd loved to fingerpaint in the bathtub. We would do that 1 day a week. It would occupy her for quite awhile and clean up was easy since it was in the tub.

http://singleparents.about.com/od/pa...urage_play.htm

[tarheelbaby]

Originally Posted by cupofjojo

Welcome Tarheelbaby & Hopeelise

Also thought now that we've got a few folks on this thread we could introduce ourselves a bit more: where we live, interests & hobbies, etc.

I'm a SAHM, a wellness consultant, and love to cook, travel, read, and would like to get back into quiltling and also learn to knit.

We'll be camping a lot this summer since we live in Colorado - we're East of Boulder and North of Denver with a great view of the mountains. We've lived here nearly 4 years and prior to that I lived in Philadelphia or its surrounding areas.

I'm sorry...I forgot to sub to this earlier. Anyway, I've been married almost 6 years, I'm a SAHM. I love to read and cook, too. I love, love, love sports. Basketball and baseball are my faves. My parents have a camper and we live about 90 minutes away from the beach, so we're very fortunate we get several get-away weekends during the year, and esp. in the summer.

[tarheelbaby]

Originally Posted by cupofjojo

Building friendships with other kids - what advice can you offer.

We have 2 sets of children DS loves to play with and in particular each family has a boy DS's age that we'd love to have DS get to spend more time with. We're trying to develop them into more of a friendship. Both have multiple children and we like hanging out with them but also DS would love to just hang out with the boy(s) of each family on occasion.

Any advice? It just seems like it would be strange to just invite the boy. I'm new at this so I don't even really know. Up 'til now DS has played with anyone and everyone. But said the other day how he'd just like to play with the boy and not his 2 sisters.

I think the parents would understand if just the boys wanted to play together. I'd probably just ask if the boy could come over. In particular, if you're in any way close to the parents, you could mention to them your reasoning in wanting to have a "boys-only" playdate. Good luck!

[cupofjojo]

Hi:

Any ideas on entertaining my DS on long car ride? We will be doing a lot of driving in Alaska and I'm not wanting a DVD player to be a primary source of entertainment yet I don't want to bring a ton of things with us on the plane.

Thanks

[cupofjojo]

Today was an interesting day! We had a yard sale with a lot of people. I couldn't believe all the comments about "aren't you going to give DS a sibling?" "Why would you get rid of all your baby stuff, you haven't had your 2nd yet." It was a bit crazy.

The flip side was that some of the grandma's buying kids stuff were thrilled I was selling stuff only used by one child, and a no-smoking, no pet home.

Interesting day indeed.

[msjd123]

Originally Posted by cupofjojo

Hi:

Any ideas on entertaining my DS on long car ride? We will be doing a lot of driving in Alaska and I'm not wanting a DVD player to be a primary source of entertainment yet I don't want to bring a ton of things with us on the plane.

Thanks

Things that have worked for us: MagnaDoodle, a lacing toy, a doll with "real" hair that can be brushed, new vinyl stickers for the windows (we *only* bring these out for long car trips), lift-the-flap books, a snack, a small toy that has been wrapped up in an unholy amount of paper so that it takes a good, long time to unwrap.... hmmm, what else? Oh, one time when we were super desperate to make the screaming stop, I found an overhead marker in my purse (I'm a teacher!) and let her draw on the window with it. : She drew all over herself, too, but she was wearing old clothes and it all came out anyway because overhead markers can be washed away with plain water. I'm remember thinking that was a pretty good idea!

As for the time-to-have another comments, right there with ya. In the last month, I think someone has told me every single week that "it's time." And then when I tell them we've decided to stop at one, it's always, "But whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???????" as if I'm causing them physical pain. I hate that!

[mamasittingduck]

Hi Everyone,

Finally, a thread for me! I am so glad to read that other families only want one child.

I have been shocked and finally angered over how much social pressure there is to have more babies! People just do not want to hear that you only want one; And the same thing that I hear. ...... "oh, you'll change your mind" or "It's too early to decide now" etc etc...

Let me give you some of my info. I have a 15 month old daughter and she has brought so much joy, yet so much stress to our lives! I am the only working spouse; husband is stay at home daddy; I have really come to the conclusion that another baby would destroy our marriage; I think we will make it, but this baby thing is way harder than I ever imagined; We have no family here and our only friend that we would trust to babysit is due to have her 3rd baby in a matter of days, and her husband just left her. So.......needless to say, we are babied out sometimes; We've had one date since she was born.

My daughter is entering this insane phase of hitting, anger and craziness!! She is so head strong. Her personality matches her fiery red hair, let me tell you (not to mention her own mother's personality!!). Anyway, this is proving to be extra stressful on my husband who is with her ALL the time;

I am a nurse and I work really hard; I work in home health and drive all over the place and am always in a rush; I often feel like "when am I going to get my life back?" Then I feel guilty, because I don't hear other mothers saying these things; They want more babies!!

I can't wait until she is older and we can go to Disneyland or the movies; something I can really enjoy too.

Wow! I'm sorry I'm ranting here, but it was good to see a thread like this;

One other thing. I just never saw myself as doing the everyday American lifestyle and having a baby forces you into that; I have to work to support my family; I have to have health insurance and a good car and make sure this kid's life is good, you know; There is so much pressure behind that; Sometimes I just want to crawl backwards in time and throw in my old Depeche Mode tapes and walk around aimlessly with my friends...(back when I thought life was hopelessly dull!)

ok, enough for now!

Thanks all
sherri

[minxin]

Hello! I'm a mom of one son, age 4. I sometimes think that i would like one more, but i don't see it happening anytime soon. I'm 36, a single parent, and a college student, and i can't imagine how i'd ever find the time to get into a situation where pregnancy could occur!
Sometimes when we clean out outgrown toys and clothes, ds says we should save them in case i get another baby in my belly and he can share his old stuff!
I was raised Catholic, and ds is the only only, except for my teenaged cousin who is adopted. I think being a single mom in a Catholic family is the only thing that saves me from being pestered about having more kids. I admit to having the baby lust on rare occasions, but i love my tiny little family.

[APCDmama]

Yay! I haven't read any of the posts yet, but I'm glad to have found this tribe. I am the mother of a 3-year-old daughter, and I feel content with my small family, but everyone around me seems to push having a second child! There is no biological reason we can't conceive, and I'm surprised by my decision, since I'd always planned on having 2-3 children. DH appears to be on the fence regarding more, although I think he'd secretly love to have another baby if I agreed.

Anyway...hi to everyone! I will post again when I've read the entire thread.

[msjd123]

Mamasittingduck, I could have written your post word for word. I haven't admitted to many people IRL what you wrote -- i.e. that having a child has put immeasurable stress on your marriage -- but it's SOOOO true. I love our daughter to pieces and I know my DH does too, but she has been very high-needs and very intense from the moment she was born, and I just don't want to do any of that all over again. I don't think that people with easy, mellow kids really understand that because they've only experienced their own. Whenever I think of having another, all I can think of is how much we'd have to sacrifice and how the things that would get sacrificed -- time together as couple, peace and quiet, day-to-day quality of life, sleep, sanity, etc. -- are just not things we WANT to sacrifice any more than we already have. For us, adding another child would detract from our happiness, not add to it.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that there's someone else out there who knows exactly where you're coming from. Oh, and 15-18 months sucked, big-time. My dd started mellowing out once she started being able to speak reasonably well; then she was able to tell us what she needed/wanted, and the frustration diminished. Hang in there!

[Juliacat]

I read in an article in Time magazine last fall that only children do not necessarily always grow up to be spoiled, selfish, and socially ham handed. Isn't that a relief to all of us!

I am getting an IUD in a few hours so that we'll have ten years to decide whether we're having a second one or not. We're leaning toward no. People are already giving me a hard time about it. There are advantages and disadvantages to any family size and spacing but I think misery loves company.

I second the suggestion of Maybe One. After reading it, when someone tells me dd needs a sibling, I can reply, "Actually, every reliable study that's ever been done on the subject has shown that only children turn out at least as well as children with siblings."

And if we do have a second one, it will be in a long time. Dh and I both come from families where people have two children nine, sixteen, twenty-five (!) years apart...and it works out as well as it would have the other way, IMO.

One concern for us is money. I'm not talking about Disneyland vacations and driving a Hummer, I'm talking about food and shelter, and being able to work less and spend more time with the child we already have.

The environment is an equally big concern. Global warming and all of that. I wonder if Al Gore gets hassled about being a father of three.

[Juliacat]

So what do you do if you, yourself, feel you have enough friends and do not want to invest your precious emotional energy into making more, but you want to have a regular playmate for your child?

[katheek77]

Originally Posted by Juliacat

So what do you do if you, yourself, feel you have enough friends and do not want to invest your precious emotional energy into making more, but you want to have a regular playmate for your child?

To be honest, I'm not that concerned about it right now. Obviously, Katie isn't even a year old yet, but, at this point, she plays with the girls (ages 6 and 8) where I work (and their friends), we have "outings" with a family I used to work for (kids aged 2.5, 5, and 6.5), she plays with the dog , she plays with Mama and Da-da, and, to be honest, she'll play by herself very well for long periods of time (ex...the other day, I was sick, had passed out earlier in the day, just wiped...so I closed off everything but the living room and dining room (where most of her toys are), and laid on the couch. She spent almost THREE hours (I'd never normally let her do that, but I was seriously ill) playing on her own....and destroying the joint I suspect she'll be like my husband and myself, and will like a lot of "alone" time anyway (even as very young kids we were like that). If she craves more interaction, there are always playgroups, pre-school playgroups, my husband has friends at work with children within a year of her age, etc. If I have to make a concerted effort to set up the dates, I will, but, until that comes, I'm not going to worry about it.

[mamasittingduck]

Originally Posted by msjd123

Mamasittingduck, I could have written your post word for word. I haven't admitted to many people IRL what you wrote -- i.e. that having a child has put immeasurable stress on your marriage -- but it's SOOOO true. I love our daughter to pieces and I know my DH does too, but she has been very high-needs and very intense from the moment she was born, and I just don't want to do any of that all over again. I don't think that people with easy, mellow kids really understand that because they've only experienced their own. Whenever I think of having another, all I can think of is how much we'd have to sacrifice and how the things that would get sacrificed -- time together as couple, peace and quiet, day-to-day quality of life, sleep, sanity, etc. -- are just not things we WANT to sacrifice any more than we already have. For us, adding another child would detract from our happiness, not add to it.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that there's someone else out there who knows exactly where you're coming from. Oh, and 15-18 months sucked, big-time. My dd started mellowing out once she started being able to speak reasonably well; then she was able to tell us what she needed/wanted, and the frustration diminished. Hang in there!

Thanks for the reply. It is so nice to get confirmation of my feelings, because they are just not socially acceptable! when you said, adding another child would detract from your happiness, that rang so true with me; every stage seems hard in it's own way. When I talked to my sister about how HARD it is right now at 15 months (cries SO much, gets frustrated easily, wants our attention at all times, etc; (FOR EVERYONE THAT'S THINKING, WELL, THAT'S NORMAL FOR A 15 MONTH OLD, I KNOW!) she said, "oh, it only gets worse at 2". So, it's nice to hear that once her words come, maybe some of her frustration will mellow out; I know she understands so much, but I can't understand things because she points to everything and says, "Dung??" in her cutie little baby question.......

it's just that, when I imagine doing this all over again, it fills me with such dread. And everyone keeps saying, oh, you'll forget how bad it was......... well, I'm not even close! I look forward to growing with my daughter and exploring all the new things with her. I can't wait to read with her and be able to do things I find more interesting. (you know, babies can just sit in a pile of dirt and stick a spoon in it for 30 minutes and still be wowed.....)

ok, I guess I'm rambling, but I'm still trying to make sense of all this baby business and how I'm not a young girl anymore, sigh.

**disclaimer: I am totally in love with my little monkey.

[msjd123]

Originally Posted by mamasittingduck

When I talked to my sister about how HARD it is right now at 15 months (cries SO much, gets frustrated easily, wants our attention at all times, etc; (FOR EVERYONE THAT'S THINKING, WELL, THAT'S NORMAL FOR A 15 MONTH OLD, I KNOW!) she said, "oh, it only gets worse at 2".

Don't you HATE that?!?!? I can't stand it when you tell someone you're having a hard time and they not only totally minimize it but feel the need to say that it will only get worse. How does that help?!?! FWIW, my DH and I are always saying that age 2 is way more fun than age 1. Our dd did all the things you mentioned and I'd get the same, "Oh that's normal," stuff, but I really think my DD was just MORE of all those things. She cried more, slept less, shrieked almost constantly, fussed A LOT, etc. We quietly counted how many "good" days she had in a row, and it was almost never more than 4. Now, she'll frequently have good weeks and there's way more good than bad, and that's a huge change.

[devster4fun]

Good to see some action on this thread again!

I love the recent posts, they really hit home.

My SIL is the President of "Club I Have It Worse Because Now I Have 2 Kids."
I try to find common ground with her and share a challenge we're going through with DD, who is 13 months. EVERY response is something like, yeah now imagine doing that with 2 kids...I finally responded with, "Yeah I CAN imagine that, so that's why we're having one."

Truly, we could not go through this again. (Weeeeell, if we had to we could, but we won't ) I guess we're sucky parents, but it's exhausting. We lead busy lives, with lots of activities and things I don't want to change. Yet, another selfish choice we make. To some extent, DD fits into our lives and we don't revolve the entire world around her. *gasp*

I am an only child (by choice) and loved it. I think the advantages are many and drawbacks are workable.

For those with older children...how was separation anxiety for you? We're just starting to see it, when I leave for any reason. I'm so thankful there's a strong attachment, it's what we've worked so hard for. But, what age did you all see this stage lessen?

TIA!!