Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 4

[mamasittingduck]

Originally Posted by msjd123

Don't you HATE that?!?!? I can't stand it when you tell someone you're having a hard time and they not only totally minimize it but feel the need to say that it will only get worse. How does that help?!?! FWIW, my DH and I are always saying that age 2 is way more fun than age 1. Our dd did all the things you mentioned and I'd get the same, "Oh that's normal," stuff, but I really think my DD was just MORE of all those things. She cried more, slept less, shrieked almost constantly, fussed A LOT, etc. We quietly counted how many "good" days she had in a row, and it was almost never more than 4. Now, she'll frequently have good weeks and there's way more good than bad, and that's a huge change.

I love that you mentioned good days vs bad; I keep thinking, is this kid moody or what?! I keep searching for answers as to why she is so darn cranky, (ahem, like today...) I can't count how many times I must have said, "Oh, I bet she's teething again!" Geeeeez. She whined so much today. The one time she never cries or whines is if she is outside; this is very good; But again, it can be tedious. We live in a mountainy desert area and so I have to be so careful about what she gets into. Hmmm, is that a rattle snake? Scorpion? Oh, no, just a tarantula; they're not poisonous Oh, and did I mention the new dog in the neighborhood (our close neighbor; dogs in the country are not tied up round here); yeah, he found him at the school he does security for; you know, the school in the ghetto, where kids are bringing prison shanks to school (think sharpened screwdrivers)...the pitbull mix with no known history just wandering around. Yep, thought it would be a grand idea to bring him on home! (ok, off topic......) well, there's only so much dirt exploring one mom can do.

I was looking at this course to advance my nursing career; there is so much guilt about wanting to do something for yourself when you have a child; I feel I am away from her so much, but in reality I work 4 days a week and am home for her getting up every day and home for dinner usually between 5-6 on work days. Mom guilt really sucks. I guess I just miss doing what I feel like doing. I definitely think this is the drawback from having your first kid at 31. You are just too used to having your own life!

well, I'm so glad I have a place to put my feelings out about how hard this is. I don't know why I feel like this is so hard and other people seem to adjust so well. I knew coming into it that I was in for a huge life change; And I was right;

I can't wait to go camping again; OOOOOOOOOO, I long for a good book and some redwood trees; a mom can dream, can't she?!

[msjd123]

[QUOTE=mamasittingduck;8271372]well, I'm so glad I have a place to put my feelings out about how hard this is. I don't know why I feel like this is so hard and other people seem to adjust so well. I knew coming into it that I was in for a huge life change; And I was right.QUOTE]

See, that is EXACTLY how I feel, but I've given up on thinking that DH and I must just be big wimps or something. We're not. We're strong people doing the best we can. We have our own lives, we have our life together, we have our jobs, our hobbies, our families, our house, our beautiful daughter -- all we want now is a sense of calm satisfaction. Life is every day, you know? I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now. I like the sense of immediacy that comes from knowing that I won't be doing all of these things all over again in another year or two.

Oh, and teething.... don't remind me. That's #2 on my long list of why age 2 is better than 1. (The #1 reason is language!) When I said to our pediatrician that we were throwing a party after DD cut her last tooth, he thought I was joking. I wasn't. Each one of those sharp little teeth has been come by with much agony and sleep lost. When they fall out, I will treasure them and think, "Ahhh yes, this was the one that kept you up from 10-2, screaming bloody-murder for 4 nights in a row....." How can we NOT throw a party when her last baby tooth comes in and we know we never have to deal with teething again!??!?! So, yes, my daughter was a horrible teether, and it sucked. I'm still dreading the 2-year molars. Should be fun. Still, we've had a nice long break of more than 8 montsh now since the last teeth, and it's been awesome.

ETA: Where do you live? I'm somewhat familiar with the San Diego area.

[Sonnenwende]

This thread is a great read.

After waffling about it for awhile, I am pretty sure that we are done having kids. My husband will have a vasectomy in about a month or two and that should be that.

The reasons are equally financial and emotional.

Money is not that tight, but we want to do more with it. One more kid is one more mouth to feed, clothe, educate, etc. We would rather spend that on a good day sailer and go out sailing with the kid we already have. Also, only one kid means that we can have our pick of smaller and cheaper housing, we don't need two large cars. We can also pour a lot more money into our daughter's education and extra-curricular activities.

As far as from an emotional standpoint, I just feel that I can't handle another and I am fine with her. If I ever need a kid fix, well, lots of people have kids I can borrow to remind me why I made the decision in the first place to stop.

Life is every day, you know? I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now. I like the sense of immediacy that comes from knowing that I won't be doing all of these things all over again in another year or two.

My husband and I agree. We love our family, but it is not worth going into the poor and crazy house for if we can help it. The most obvious choice is to stop while we're ahead, ya know?

[mamasittingduck]

I know there is another onlies thread, but I just wanted to come back here to check in;

well, my dear friend just had her 3rd baby yesterday (10lb 6oz!) and everyone said to me, "oh, when you hold that baby, you'll want another one!" And I thought, well, ok, if you say so, we'll see. Well, I held that sweet, chubby cutie in my arms for hours, and, NOPE, don't want to do it again! Whoo! That was worrying me for a minute!

little monkey was so sweet today; i love her good mood days........

I was just browsing through the disey mom thread and honestly, I love disney, too; I can't wait until DD is old enough to go and really enjoy it; I look forward to those days, and I think, if I have another baby, how am I going to enjoy doing all those things with my first?

[mamasittingduck]

oh, btw, I live in Jamul, east of San Diego.

I think the idea of enjoying life now is so important; I see that if I would have multiple kids, I would just have to "get through" all those pregnacies and little baby days (I mean, I HATED being up all night.........ohhhhhhhhhh God, kill me now!); I feel the same way of wanting to enjoy a lot more of my life; I want to do a lot of other things, and I think a lot of things are possible when you have an only.

I hope she'll be happy being an only.

me and hubby started the vasectomy talk today.....he is willing to do it.

[Sonnenwende]

Originally Posted by mamasittingduck

well, my dear friend just had her 3rd baby yesterday (10lb 6oz!) and everyone said to me, "oh, when you hold that baby, you'll want another one!" And I thought, well, ok, if you say so, we'll see. Well, I held that sweet, chubby cutie in my arms for hours, and, NOPE, don't want to do it again! Whoo! That was worrying me for a minute!

About two months ago, I was interviewing day care providers. The one I ended up choosing had a 2 month old daughter at the time. I remember only thinking "Yeah, cute baby, but better you (the mother) than me!". No interest whatsoever. It was about then that I seriously started thinking about leaving my daughter an only and my husband and I began vasectomy discussions.

[Phoebes*mom]

Hi, I'm a mom of an only as well. Ironically, I posted earlier this morning on a thread about secondary infertility. I guess you can say I'm a mom of an only by circumstance, not choice.

But in so many ways, I'm so happy with "just" one. My DD was a very volatile, high needs infant. I almost feel guilty saying that -- like I can't handle parenthood or something -- but she would literally have me in tears some days. Now, at 4, she's calmed down immensely (though not totally ), and we have so much fun together. I absolutely **love** this age, and it seems to just keep getting better.

I'm one of five kids, so I know there are disadvantages to having siblings, just as there are disadvantages to being an only. The main disadvantage I see is the lack of companionship. DD has cousins and friends that we get together with on a regular basis, but it's just not the same as having another kid in the house. Sometimes (ok, lots of times!) I just don't want to play My Little Pony.

We just got back from Disney World and few weeks ago and DH and I noticed how much DD wanted to play with other kids. But at this age, she wouldn't have much in common with an infant, so it's sort of a moot point. Even if I were to get pregnant today, there would be 5 years between them.

Anyway, I'm glad to connect with other moms of onlies. I'm not feeling another baby in my future.

[Zuzu822]

This thread is providing me with a lot of food-for-thought! I'm not sure if we'll have more children or not, but I do have one nagging thought if we do stop with DS. I've always felt led to homeschool, and I wonder at doing that with one. Are any of you considering homeschooling an only child? Both DH and I are pretty introverted and happy to spend time at home together, and don't have a lot of friends we spend a lot of time with. I'd be nervous about raising a friendless, socially awkward child because of OUR inhibitions with getting out there. (Note: Typically, I do not think "socialization" is an issue with homschooling, but normally I think about HS families with several children.) I think, well at least with two, they'd have each other if we didn't do lots of other activities. Anyone with a similar situation? Or is there a thread in the Learning at Home forum about schooling only children?

[katheek77]

We are def. keeping homeschool as an option. I taught, both in public and private elementary schools, and that's NOT the environment I want our daughter in. So, while I'm not knee-jerk reactionary to traditional schooling, it would have to be a stellar school and teacher before I'd put her in that situation.

As far as socialization, I don't see too much of a difference between socializing a homeschooled only or a homeschooled sibling. You search out group activities, take the child out (and, let's face it, MUCH easier with only one), etc. Most kids I know DON'T play with the people they're in class with, anyway, onlies or siblings. They play mostly with the neighborhood kids, and sometimes with the kids in their brownie troop, or the kids on their soccer team, and so on and so forth.

I will say that I'm sort of pushing to live in a neighborhood that has some children around Katie's age by the time she gets to be that age, but, I don't think she'll end up being a socially awkward "freak" just because she's not in traditional school and doesn't have any siblings.

[ItsAllGood]

Devster4fun please share

Originally Posted by devster4fun

I look forward to chatting and sharing with you ladies...as an only myself, I can answer lots of questions about what it means and feels to be an "only."

There are many benefit and some drawbacks.

Shannon

Hello moms of onlines! Devster4fun I think that would be a most wonderful input gift you could give us. As a parent of an only, but not having that perspective as I am a sibling, I often feel I would love to talk to an "adult" only child who has lived and breathed the experience, so to speak. Someone who could share their experiences on what it means and feels to be an only...especially now as an adult...because we all are always concerned about our children's futures and such. I often have been asked about what it is like being in a large family, so I guess this may be the flipside, and it is so true benefits and drawbacks all around. And the funny thing is I could have also seen myself as an only child as well as a sibling. But I digress...

Okay, so do you want to jump in with some benefits and drawbacks to being an only. And of course, we all know that you speak not for all onlies, just for yourself, and that is super.

[ItsAllGood]

ADULT ONLIES
Sorry to leave any other adult onlies out in my previous post. In reading further in the thread, I see that there are more adult onlies with only child here on this thread. That is great, in the other discussion there were not many.
We are only child by choice.
And our biggest concerns are how will how child feel about that in the future and also weirdly enough her "safety". Who looks out for the older only child if the parents are gone (passed away). Who do they turn to in a time of crisis, somehow a built in sibling, no matter the relationship level still has someone to connect with. Albiet I do find that most people do develop close relationships with friends and tell them more of their secrets and private lives than their families. Also that with close freinds you can be more of yourself and not be sucked into that "family role" that your family of siblings and parents have set for you. (rant over).
But I do wonder, if the only child needs help, goes missing for over a week, who will know...I even get sad thoughts of a missing person tha no one identifies (too much TV) (they always add the comment "no parents, no siblings").
One of the things we like about having an only is you can do ANYTHING !! Lots of resources, money for one, etc fun fun, and it seems families of 3 look peaceful. And the moms are not having that "crazy" parent look of too many kids to take care of, like they have lost themselves in the land of parenthood.
Now then switching back, after menopause...how will we feel them ???
Jeez, this post is all over the place ! See what happens when you eat candy at the computer !

[Zuzu822]

Originally Posted by katheek77

We are def. keeping homeschool as an option. I taught, both in public and private elementary schools, and that's NOT the environment I want our daughter in. So, while I'm not knee-jerk reactionary to traditional schooling, it would have to be a stellar school and teacher before I'd put her in that situation.

As far as socialization, I don't see too much of a difference between socializing a homeschooled only or a homeschooled sibling. You search out group activities, take the child out (and, let's face it, MUCH easier with only one), etc. Most kids I know DON'T play with the people they're in class with, anyway, onlies or siblings. They play mostly with the neighborhood kids, and sometimes with the kids in their brownie troop, or the kids on their soccer team, and so on and so forth.

I will say that I'm sort of pushing to live in a neighborhood that has some children around Katie's age by the time she gets to be that age, but, I don't think she'll end up being a socially awkward "freak" just because she's not in traditional school and doesn't have any siblings.

Thanks for your reply. I'm a former public school teacher too, and I'm really not loving the idea of traditional public or private schools, only child or not.

I didn't mean to imply that HS kids are unsocialized freaks (especially since I'm one of them ), I just was thinking of living in our rural area with an only, homeschooled child and how we could easily be pretty isolated especially during long winters. I think homeschooling in general provides more authentic social interactions than school environments, but that discussion doesn't belong here.

On the other hand, we like our lives to be family centered so only being involved in one or two groups/activities and not having two dozen friends is okay too.

Anyway, lots to think about!

Thanks again for your thoughts.

[skillet04]

Goodie! Another tribe to call my own.

I have one son. He will be 6 on July 31st of this year. Yes, we know I have pcos and that keeps us from conceiving again and as I get older I am not sure if we will, doesn't mean I am not trying to eat right and exercise and pray that it does happen but well it's been 5 years now of not using any form of bc and still no sibling for DS.

We have looked into adoption but for now that is on hold.

I also feel left out in other mom type situations. They all have 2, 3,4, 5, 6+ kids and are always complaining about something....and act like I have it easy. So I in turn also avoid a lot of mom type get togethers because of this. In fact on Thursdays when my son is at gymnastics with only other home schooled children, I just sit on the floor and read because the other moms seem off standish or like they already have their cliques and we are the only family there with an only...

Nice to meet everyone here.

[AntMom]

Hi everyone,

I'm an only with an only--so I'm happy to see this thread! My ds is four, and although I always pictured having a lot of kids, that doesn't seem to be happening for me. It did take me a lot of infertility treatments to have him, but honestly, after he was born, I felt like I was done. Only recently have I even considered going back to treatment for another, and that was only because I had frozen embryos. Now that those are gone I feel like I can finally "choose" to have an only.

There are many benefits to just one. I was very happy as an only and never missed having a sibling. I still don't (although I do have a half sister now, 26 years younger than me--more like a niece than a sister). My son is pretty adamant that he wants to be the only one. I like the one-on-one time with him. I like being able to carry him around even though he is four (I always felt bad for kids his age who walked next to their moms carrying other babies). We co-sleep and I can't imagine having another one in bed with us. So far, we seem like a perfect family of three. If I did have another child, I know we would adapt to that too, but it's nice to know that things are terrific the way they are.

Socialization is definitely not a problem here, either. He has many friends and goes to several classes. With one, it's easier to spend money on things like art classes (I have a neighbor who could never do anything with her twins because it is twice as expensive). He is very outgoing and speaks well--and I think a lot of that is because he is an only.

[*LoveBugMama*]

Can I join?

I am the mother of an only. Noah Matheo just turned six, and will be an only. I am a single mother by choice, and will not have more kids. I love being Noah`s mommy, and am so, so grateful that I got to be mommy to the worlds best Noah Matheo. But being a mommy is such hard work!! I have noe idea what I would do if I had to divide myself between Noah and a sibling. That would be way to much work and stress for me.

Now that my son is 6, people have more or less stopped asking me when I will have another. When he was younger, everyone wanted to tell me how important it was for him to have siblings. A lady even told me "please, don`t do this to him! You can`t let him be an only. That`s just not a nice thinng to do to him....":

My sons father is my best friend. He lives next door, and spends time with us/Noah as much as he can. Normally they spend every afternoon together.

[AntMom]

And our biggest concerns are how will how child feel about that in the future and also weirdly enough her "safety". Who looks out for the older only child if the parents are gone (passed away). Who do they turn to in a time of crisis, somehow a built in sibling, no matter the relationship level still has someone to connect with.

I just wanted to comment on this from an end-of-life perspective--not only am I an only, but my grandmother was also an only. She passed away last year after struggling with Alzheimer's, but in her case, she was surrounded by family through the whole thing: my grandfather, her two children, and me. She was never alone, and that is more than I can say for most of the other people in the nursing home with her.

As for me, I turn to plenty of other people besides my mom--my husband, two very close friends. I have extended family I can count on as well. No need for sibs here! fwiw, two of my close friends are also onlies (there are others as well, but I have a special bond with them). And my half-sister (who is also an only) has a best friend who is--you guessed it--an only.

hope this helps answer some of those nagging questions . . .

[Sonnenwende]

Originally Posted by CrunchyTamara

But being a mommy is such hard work!! I have noe idea what I would do if I had to divide myself between Noah and a sibling. That would be way to much work and stress for me.

Agreed. I have enough trouble keeping the one I have from drinking Drano, let alone the thought of having more to divide my attention.

I have to admit, I like the idea of focusing all of my time, energy, and money on one child over a bunch. Quality over quantity, I guess. I really want to be able to afford to do things that she would like to be involved in that do require some money. If there is only one, than that isn't so bad, but if I had two or more children that wanted to do the same thing that cost like 40 bucks a month, it could easily get out of control fast. And then how do you choose who gets to do the activities if you only have limited funds? Eh, forget it.

Back when I was pregnant, my husband and I spent some time with his uncle and aunt who have five young children. Uncle and aunt were really nice people, no doubt, but after staying there a week, I wanted to hang myself. Screaming children running around, getting each other into trouble all the time. It was just way too much for me. Both my husband and I felt like ripping out our reproductive systems after that visit. That put the nail in the coffin of the idea of ever having a lot of kids for us.

I just recently had someone over to visit. She had her baby within days of mine and just found out she was pregnant again. Totally unwanted, but not unexpected given their birth control method (hence, I really can't feel sorry for her). Just the thought of two kids so close together has me running for the hills, spooning out my uterus.

I am excited about my kid getting older. I can't wait to go camping, scouting, skiing, sailing, rafting, hunting, etc with her. I am always puzzled by people who like the infant phase so much. Yeah, they are cute, but that is about it. Infants are as interesting as a box of bricks until they are about 8 months or so.

[APCDmama]

Hi!

Interesting thoughts about schooling an only. I would love to homeschool my DD, but DH isn't on board. (I am a teacher who has taught in both private and public schools, and haven't been impressed by either system.) However, DD is already talking about going to school and I am willing to give the local public school a try. If it doesn't work out, we can always change our minds, right?

We are very happy with one child. Our family is perfect for us! Although the negative comments about onlies are dwindling, a colleague completely offended me last week by saying, "Having only one child is unhealthy. You really need to reconsider." Ummmm, excuse me?!! You are always talking about how stressed and busy you are...how you have no time for yourself...how you HAVE to work outside the home to support your family...etc. This woman has 4 children, 3 still living at home. She is extremely overweight and emotionally miserable most of the time. How can she talk to me about making healthy choices? It blows my mind. It simply amazes me that anyone would say something so rude.

Having said all that, I realize she probably has good intentions. Truly. She loves her daughters enormously and believes that self-sacrifice is a necessary evil of parenting. Of course, we all make sacrifices for our children, but I believe that balance is important. My DD was very spirited as an infant-toddler and is just settling down to a manageable level. She has thrived on all the one-on-one attention we've been able to provide. If we had two children, I don't think we could meet her needs as well. KWIM? Also, I'm not sure our relationship (me & DH) would survive another baby, even if that baby were "easier" than the first. We took a hard hit, mostly due to sleep-deprivation and absolutely no outside help.

So...my reasons for having ONE child:

- traumatic birth experience with health complications for me
- spirited child who didn't sleep and screamed for the first 3 months of life
- no outside help (both sides of family live far away from us)
- desire to leave a smaller footprint on the earth and its resources
- easier to continue my career as DD gets older
- higher need for quiet alone time than an average person (both me & DH)
- MOST IMPORTANTLY: We are very happy as a family and I can't think of any good reason to have another baby.

[Sonnenwende]

Originally Posted by APCDmama

We are very happy with one child. Our family is perfect for us! Although the negative comments about onlies are dwindling, a colleague completely offended me last week by saying, "Having only one child is unhealthy. You really need to reconsider." Ummmm, excuse me?!! You are always talking about how stressed and busy you are...how you have no time for yourself...how you HAVE to work outside the home to support your family...etc. This woman has 4 children, 3 still living at home. She is extremely overweight and emotionally miserable most of the time. How can she talk to me about making healthy choices? It blows my mind. It simply amazes me that anyone would say something so rude.

I think misery loves company.

[APCDmama]

Sonnenwende, I think you've hit the nail on that one...