Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 5

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by ItsAllGood

Hello moms of onlines! Devster4fun I think that would be a most wonderful input gift you could give us. As a parent of an only, but not having that perspective as I am a sibling, I often feel I would love to talk to an "adult" only child who has lived and breathed the experience, so to speak. Someone who could share their experiences on what it means and feels to be an only...especially now as an adult...because we all are always concerned about our children's futures and such. I often have been asked about what it is like being in a large family, so I guess this may be the flipside, and it is so true benefits and drawbacks all around. And the funny thing is I could have also seen myself as an only child as well as a sibling. But I digress...

Okay, so do you want to jump in with some benefits and drawbacks to being an only. And of course, we all know that you speak not for all onlies, just for yourself, and that is super.

Oh, Hi everyone!! Sorry I haven't checked in...busy with my only child

It's great to hear the other mama's perspectives and experiences with an only and being an only.

I did have a first this week...I visited a newborn of a friend in the hospital. I was interested in seeing how I felt. Did it make me want another? Would I miss the true "baby" stage? Ummmm. NO! I honestly could not imagine doing it again.

DD is 13.5 months and a delight. She's been an "easy" baby, good sleeper, great eater, zero reflux, zero sickness, we're truly blessed. My Mom (the best) lives across the street and is retired. Still doesn't make me want another.

Honestly, the only thing that gets to me is tiny baby clothes. They're so cute.

IMO, there are very few drawbacks to being an only. As an adult, I do see some differences between myself and my friends. I enjoy and need time alone. I don't need a friend to go out to dinner with. I don't need a friend to go to the bathroom etc....

I love seeing the other thoughts here.

[Phoebes*mom]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

IMO, there are very few drawbacks to being an only. As an adult, I do see some differences between myself and my friends. I enjoy and need time alone. I don't need a friend to go out to dinner with. I don't need a friend to go to the bathroom etc....

I love seeing the other thoughts here.

I had to LOL here. You've described me as well--and I'm one of *five* kids!

[Sonnenwende]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

DD is 13.5 months and a delight. She's been an "easy" baby, good sleeper, great eater, zero reflux, zero sickness, we're truly blessed. My Mom (the best) lives across the street and is retired. Still doesn't make me want another.

My daughter is a month older, but the same way, except she did have horrible reflux and puking. It never seemed painful or even annoying for her. Was for me though. Sometimes she could get some serious distance with that spit up and the fountains that were thrown on up on occasion were just...Yeah, don't want to relive that and neither does my keyboard or carpets. However, my daughter was/is otherwise fantastic.

I feel like in someways I would be pressing my luck too much like my mother did. I was a fantastic baby (firstborn) much like my daughter. My sister (secondborn) was express delivered from Baby Hell itself. Horrible colic/reflux, screamed 24/7 until she was 13 or so months, always got sick times worse than either my brother or I did. She has always been needy and dependent. Who would have guessed based on me that my mother would have gotten someone like my sister? :

I think another reason I don't want more kids is fears about the future. Nothing is written in stone and it would just be easier if we were the three of us as opposed to thirteen of us if I and/or my husband both lost our jobs, became disabled, died, got divorced. Horrible to think about, but those are all real, however unlikely, possibilities.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by Phoebes*mom

I had to LOL here. You've described me as well--and I'm one of *five* kids!

So, you had to search for alone time as a child! It does drive me nuts though, when I'm out with a few certain friends. They can't even drive somewhere alone. Like, "...oh can I follow you there?" I'm thinking, no!

Originally Posted by Sonnenwende

My daughter is a month older, but the same way, except she did have horrible reflux and puking. It never seemed painful or even annoying for her. Was for me though. Sometimes she could get some serious distance with that spit up and the fountains that were thrown on up on occasion were just...Yeah, don't want to relive that and neither does my keyboard or carpets. However, my daughter was/is otherwise fantastic.

I feel like in someways I would be pressing my luck too much like my mother did. I was a fantastic baby (firstborn) much like my daughter. My sister (secondborn) was express delivered from Baby Hell itself. Horrible colic/reflux, screamed 24/7 until she was 13 or so months, always got sick times worse than either my brother or I did. She has always been needy and dependent. Who would have guessed based on me that my mother would have gotten someone like my sister? :

I think another reason I don't want more kids is fears about the future. Nothing is written in stone and it would just be easier if we were the three of us as opposed to thirteen of us if I and/or my husband both lost our jobs, became disabled, died, got divorced. Horrible to think about, but those are all real, however unlikely, possibilities.

My SIL's first DS had that projectile vomiting issue. She said he set some distance records. Yucky.

I hear you on your last point. I get so, so tired of hearing/reading people complain about how difficult it is with "x" amount of kids. I mean, there's like 50 different ways to NOT have more kids. I respect those who choose to have a big family, that's wonderful....for them. And, it's ok to vent about the challenges they might face. There are challenges to having an only child too. (And I can vent about those here )

[Sonnenwende]

I mean, there's like 50 different ways to NOT have more kids.

Yeah. I never understood why people feel the need to keep having children when they discover after the first that the whole parenting deal isn't all it was cracked up to be for them personally. I found that out. I admit it. Not like I can or would want to put my daughter back now, but I have to stop more from coming while I am ahead. My husband agreed with this before I did and now we are planning the vasectomy for before he comes so it is a non-issue. If I were to divorce my husband, I would get a tubal.

I thought this was an interesting article:

Myths About Only Children

By Toni Falbo

This article is one in a series written by scholars and researchers in a variety of fields at UT Austin. Dr. Toni Falbo is a professor of educational psychology and sociology.

AUSTIN, Texas — Negative views of "only children" growing up without siblings are common. Many people believe these kinds of children are lonely, selfish and maladjusted.

Because these views have been around so long, researchers began to test them, conducting studies of only children, and comparing "onlies" to others, such as firstborns or people from large families. Hundreds of studies have been conducted in the U.S. and around the world.

Now we know that:

Only children are no more lonely than others. People assume that only children grow up alone, without the benefit of child company. In fact, the parents of only children generally provide them opportunities for child companionship, via neighborhood play groups, school clubs and sports teams.

Only children are no more selfish than others. In the past, people assumed that only children were over-indulged and therefore, spoiled by their parents. But now we know that parents of only children do not over-indulge them, but rather these parents indulge their children just enough to motivate them to meet their expectations. Thus, only children do not grow up to become selfish adults.

Only children are no more maladjusted than others. Several studies of the mental health of children without siblings indicate that these children are as well adjusted as others. This is not to say that there are no maladjusted only children, but that the proportion of maladjusted "onlies" is the same as the proportion of maladjusted children from larger families.

In addition to discovering all the ways that only children are like other people, the research studies have informed us about the ways that only children are different from others. These differences indicate that only children have some advantages in their upbringing, particularly when compared to people from large families:

Only children have higher self-esteem than others. Positive attention from parents helps children develop and maintain a positive view of themselves. Only children have an advantage here in that they receive more attention from their parents than children from larger families. This positive attention does not spoil children, but rather allows parents to monitor their children and take corrective action when needed.

Only children achieve more than others. Because the parents of only children have more time and other resources to devote toward their child's development, only children tend to do better in school and complete more years of education than others. Consequently, only children later tend to have more prestigious occupations than others.

Given these findings, why do people continue to believe that only children are disadvantaged? In order to answer this question, we need to understand how people think. The stereotype of only children is that they are selfish, lonely, and maladjusted. Even though scientific research tells us this statement is not true, once a stereotype exists, it is almost impossible to eliminate. This happens because every time a person sees a confirming case, belief in the stereotype is affirmed and is not lessened by the fact there are proportionately as many children with siblings who are just as selfish, lonely, and maladjusted.

Furthermore, once people believe in the "only child" stereotype, they are unlikely to notice that some only children are not selfish, not lonely, not maladjusted. One of the characteristics of humans is that we seek out confirming evidence, ignore contradictory evidence and, in this way, maintain our beliefs.

http://utopia.utexas.edu/articles/op..._children.html

[caspian's mama]

just noticed this thread. don't have time to read it all, but want to give a shout out from our family of 3.

and devster, nice frickin quote.

[Sonnenwende]

Welcome aboard!

[Copper]

another family of three here too that does not include our pets though.

We homeschool our dd we did K last year so we will be heading into the "first grade" soon! Wow does time fly!

[Azuluna]

I am sort of torn...DP and I got together agreeing that my DD (prev. relationship) would be our only child, and I never thought I'd change my mind but last year I got baby fever in the WORST way. Everyone we knew was pg or had bitty babies, it was spreading like wildfire! I really got consumed by it, and DP and I talked about it a lot and eventually he agreed to TTC another. We did, I bought all kinds of baby stuff, I got pg, I miscarried a blighted ovum at nearly 11 weeks and I think I'm over it. Really. I guess I've run out of stuff to romanticize and now I'm thinking about all of the realities.

After the m/c I took some time for myself, and I really realized how much happier I am as DD gets older and more independent. She was a very high-needs/fussy/clingy/sensitive baby and she is still very needy. When I really think about it, I can come up with more reasons why not to have a baby than the other way around. Most of them are selfish - I was an only for 6.5 years and even once I had sisters I spent most of my time playing by myself...a baby isn't much of a playmate for a nearly 7 year old. So I really miss having time for myself. I can get it sometimes if I enlist help, or wait until DD is in bed, but I miss being able to read uninterrupted for hours, or taking a bath, or listening to headphones without worrying that my child might be crying/choking/etc.

My family is the worst about pressuring me for another. My dad was an only child and died when I was 10 months old, and when I suggested that I intended to stop at one, my mom actually said "Well, your grandmother only had one and now she doesn't have any" While I understand where she was coming from, it's ridiculous to suggest having a second child "for backup". Nothing could replace DD.

MDC is not helpful if one has a bout with the baby fever, either. Bellies, baby pictures, birth stories, etc - I do think it's beautiful and powerful and womanly. I think a lot of my problem was/is wishing I could have a "do-over" and change things I wished had happened with DD, like having a homebirth instead, or nursing until 2 instead of 1.5, or going through it with a patner who wasn't a total nutjob....but when it comes down to it, I don't long to re-do teething, or potty training, or screaming meltdown in public, or insomnia, and we really are happy as we are.

I am going to have to admit this to DP, and I am also going to have to figure out where I can get the best price for all this baby gear I bought...maybe I just like shopping!

[WillyMom]

Hello,
My DS is 11mo and DH is done. He says that he feels complete and that our little family is perfect.
Honestly, I agree with him and have always said one is enough.
So ladies tell me this: How do I get past the feeling that I am somehow not a "real" family with only one? I know it is just societal pressure but it feels real. Also, tell me about what your older verbal onlies feel abot being an only. I honestly feel that we have made our decision and I a just in the process of working through it. Also, any SAHM of onlies or PT-WOH of onlies?
I love DS so much and he is just so wonderful. I feel so lucky and blessed everyday. When I look at him I do not feel the need to do it all over with another. I just want to do it all over with him. The only reason I would have another is to give him a sibling and DH and I don't feel that is a good enough reason.
I just guess I need some support coming to terms with our decision and gearing up for all the annoying comments

[karlin]

Welcome!

A family of 3 is definitely a real family, and it will feel more like one as your child gets older.

My son will be 4 in 2 months. He doesn't really talk about being an only. Sometimes his friends will ask why he doesn't have any brothers and sisters, and he usually says he just doesn't have any. He has, on occasion, asked about me having another baby. We've talked about it a little, and he seems quite happy not having to share his toys or his mommy.

I am a SAHM, and I love it mostly.

[WillyMom]

Thanks for the reply Karlin and the warm welcome.
I think its what we always wanted and now I am just looking into preparing for the future.
I am currently a PT-WOH mom (20hrs/wk) but want to stay home. Some people (rude) have said "Why with only 1?" as if DS counts less

[female18-]

Parent of an only child here!
Im 18, ds is 4.
I'll come back here to read all the pages later when hes in bed, just wanted to say hello

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by cupofjojo

We have been blessed to have our 3 1/2 year old DS but conceiving more children are not in the cards for us.

I hoped to find others who are in the same boat.

There is so much outside pressure to adopt, try every drug under the sun, and . DH and I are at the point where we know only one is all we are to have.

Those of you with one know what I mean. I also find sometimes the issues that we face are a little different than those with 2 or more children. A child who does not have to share toys regularly with a sibling, who does not have to share attention of mom and dad with anyone else, and the concerns of making sure they are not overly spoiled .

I find it hard when sharing to parents of multiple children. So I'd like to connect with some in my same boat.

So glad to find this thread! DH & I were fairly certain we only wanted one, and before DD even arrived we knew we were done having babies. I don't mean that in a negative way - we just felt like our family was complete. It felt right for it to be the three of us.

We're sometimes on completely different pages than our friends with multiple kids, and it's odd for me. It's especially odd because now many friends are going on to have or consider having their *third* babies.

Anyway, it's good to connect with other parents of onlies.

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by tinuviel_k

Hello! Denali is 3.5 and she is an only. I was up for having two children, but my husband was iffy about having kids at all, so we comprimised on having one. Aaron got a vasectomy in November. I actually feel really good about having an only child, though all our families are hugely dissapointed. I think MIL prays nightly for DH's vasectomy to fail : .

DH hasn't told anyone in his family that he got a vasectomy, because he knows they'd have a fit. It gives us a secret giggle every time we get crap about having the next baby, though.

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

What if I turned it around? Like, well....you'll probably change your mind about having 3 and put 2 up for adoption.

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

I did have a first this week...I visited a newborn of a friend in the hospital. I was interested in seeing how I felt. Did it make me want another? Would I miss the true "baby" stage? Ummmm. NO! I honestly could not imagine doing it again.

We got a kitten this winter, and friend came over with her boys to play. She was enjoying playing with Holly, and then turned to me and said, "I love coming over to visit the kitten! She's so much fun to watch and play with but I so completely don't want another cat. I imagine that's how you feel about babies."

And you know what? She's exactly right!

[bluetoes]

Just jumping in....

I have a 9.5 month old son. I always said when I was pregnant that the wee man would be the only child. And even now I know that is true. I guess my issue is that while I would like more children and get clucky when I hold new babies I know having more children is a BAD idea for a number of reasons:

1. I can barely handle one child.
2. Terrible PPD which I am still fighting, on a medication that is not safe to pregnancy or breastfeeding.
3. Health reasons. I have chronic high blood pressure. My pressures were so high towards the end I could see the fear in my doctor and the nurses eyes. I didn't have PE and the were shocked, but a stroke was still a real risk.
4. Don't want another c-section. Because of the reasons for my section and my blood pressure I am a bad candidate for a VBAC
5. Did I mention I can barely handle one child
6. My husband thinks one child is just fine. He had to deal with how depressed I was during the pregnancy and the aftermath and is also very hands on and works his ass off being a dad. He knows his own limitations.
7. Self loathing still continues over 'failing' at breast feeding
8. Don't think I would have the energy to really do things right for two
9. Finances
10. My voluteer work is important to me. I want to have time for that and being a mommy. I also want my son involved and one child can come along. Two would be too much to handle
11. I have four dogs and I am responsible for them as well. I have to give them as much care and attention as they're use to which would be difficult with another child.

So honestly me having another child is a bad bad idea and I need to work on accepting that. When I see families of more than one child I imagine the chaos and it's nearly enough to send me into a full on panic! Why would I think I could cope with that! One child is so portable and I don't want to trade my beetle in for a mini-van!

I need to get to where I am with puppies - I love to hold them, play with them, and smell there little puppy breath but I don't want a puppy!

[devster4fun]

Well look at all the families who just want one...whoda thunk it?

Just checking in...I hadn't seen this thread in awhile. I love reading other people's experiences. Many are so, so similar to ours.

DH is thinking about getting the big "V" at the end of this month.

DD just turned 14 months. We're having such a blast with her. I just love watching them together.

Oops...DD waking up from nap....more later.

[N8'sMom]

Hey! I am an only child and was the only grandchild for 14 years. I was SPOILED!!
I have one child at the moment, but I am going to have more.
It sucked for me being an only. It was cool for a little while, when I was a kid, and getting all the attention and tons of gifts, etc...but now that I am an adult I wish I had a brother or sister to hang out with. I wish my son had an aunt or uncle on my side. He never will and he won't have any first cousins on my side either....that sucks....and then when my parents get older and pass away, it'll be ONLY me that will deal with that. That will be hard. I wish my mom had another kid. That's why I will definitely have another.