2nd-Parent Adoption

[theMword]

Hi Everyone,
I'm a new poster here, though I've been reading the boards for a while.
My partner and I have a daughter who is almost 9 months old, and we have just begun the 2nd parent adoption process. Our lawyer specializes in LGBT family law, and referred us to a queer-friendly social worker for our homestudy. I was wondering if anyone here has been through that process? We've learned that queer-friendly and attachment-friendly are not the same thing! We live in NY, and 2nd parent adoption is an established thing here, but we are wondering if we should be prepared for our parenting practices to be extra-special scrutinized, especially co-sleeping.
Thanks for any insights.
Lisa

[PixelDust]

We aren't having to go through a homestudy for our second-parent adoption here in Illinois, but it was something I was nervous about, so I can understand your concerns. I would try to be prepared to educate the SW about any of my parenting practices that were outside the mainstream, and try to avoid working myself up into a confrontational mindset. KWIM? Print out some information about the benefits of co-sleeping, prevalence worldwide, responses to common concerns; I'd be sure to make it concise, since you want the SW to read it and s/he is likely to be a busy person with lots of papers on her desk. Hopefully it won't even be an issue.

[Jwebbal]

I might have a sheet ready, but certainly not give it to the SW unless it became an issue. Given that you are in NY, and it's a second parent adoption I seriously doubt you will be scrutinized as closely as you are afraid of. Here they asked a few questions of my partner, made sure she was a decent person, and that I as the bio mother understood what I was doing and that I approved, and that was it. It took less than a half hour, she never went anywhere other than the living room, and the report was glowing. AP stuff never came up in the conversation at all. In some states it might be more of an issue? But in states like NY and CA where this is done a lot, probably an easy process unless there are glaring problems. Good luck with your adoption process, may it be swift. Here in CA, we did the adoption ourselves.

[CynicalStar]

We just completed our S.P.A. last month.

The social study was really no big deal. When I called the different social workers our lawyer recommended, they each stressed that they would be going into the situation assuming there would be no negative issues.

My wife (I gave birth) completed the multi-page applications, questionnaires, and had CPS back-ground checks, criminal checks, and credit checks completed. We had to submit 3 non-relative references, who each completed a multi-page form.

When the social worker actually came to the house, we were unecessarily nervous and had every inch of the house spotless. She asked wifey questions to elaborate on her application/questionnaire, observed how she communicated & played with our very excited & showing off toddler, watched as we put him in time-out for throwing a puzzle at me since he didn't have 100% of my attention and complemented us on our no-spanking policy, watched how wifey and I communicated, and then talked to wifey alone while I took said toddler for a brief walk outside to calm down.

She did a very brief tour of the house - no white glove test, no peeking in the closets, just a walk around each room. Just noted things like our safety precautions/childproofing, the fact that our son had his own room, the house was in good repair, etc.

[mamastotwo]

Did a home study twice and it really was no biggie. For our second kid it was literally 15 mins! We have been looking into traditional adoption and our lawyer said you can't really compare the two. A traditional homestudy is much more through and intense. Both our social workers were really nice and it really shouldn't cause any stress or anxiety. I doubt they'll even ask about co-sleeping or anything like that.

Good luck!

[PixelDust]

Originally Posted by Jwebbal

I might have a sheet ready, but certainly not give it to the SW unless it became an issue.

I agree; I think the wisest approach is to assume it won't be a big deal, but be prepared in case it is.

[Henry's Mom]

Hi
we did a second parent adoption in NY two years ago- wonder if we used the same friendly attorney and social worker?!
We too worried about the co-sleeping and extended nursing. Neither came up during the homestudy process, we took a if not asked don't tell approach, she didn't even ask to see bedrooms! And the only talk of nursing was the social worker saying her 3yo was a nurser!
Feel free to pm if you have specific questions.
Best
Rachel

[Diane B]

Well, guess what? In the adoption world, many practices considered "AP" are regarded as very beneficial to facilitate attachment and bonding. A lot of "mainstream" parenting practices are actually not recommended to adoptive parents.

So I wouldn't worry about it - if the social worker you have is used to doing adoption homestudies, she or he will probably fine that you are breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, gentle discipline kind of parents.

[lexbeach]

I wouldn't worry about it at all. We don't have to do homestudies for second-parent adoptions here (MA), but we had one done when we became foster parents. We didn't say that our kids slept with us, and the social worker didn't ask (they have their own beds too, and they even sleep in them sometimes!).

Anyway, I'd be really surprised if the social worker even takes a tour of your house and looks in the bedrooms! I think everything is much more relaxed when you're adopting your own kid.

We finally got around to the second parent adoption for our first two kids this past fall. I'm so glad we finally did it. We're planning to do it again for the baby sometime this year, but we won't use a lawyer this time, we'll just do it ourselves.

We did our taxes today and I was shocked by how much dw got back this year, now that she could claim Luke and Jaz. WOW. It's kind of ironic since the reason we waited so long to do the adoption was because we didn't have the money for a lawyer and felt overwhelmed by the idea of doing it without one. Little did we know that we'd get waaay more money back from taxes for having done the adoption than we spent on the adoption itself! Of course, it made me feel kind of : that we HAVE to do the whole adoption thing just to get the benefits that we should have had from the start. (As a side note, the whole state-recognized as married, but federally seen as single thing was definitely : Luckily I didn't have to file federal taxes since I hardly have any income, or else it would have been really crazy). When oh when will we be treated as equals?

Lex

[Jwebbal]

lexbeach, did you know the adopting mom can deduct the costs of the adoption? Also, was one of you the supporting partner, and the other the sahm? Because if so, then the working mother can claim the other mom, and all the kids regardless if she had completed the adoption or not.

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by Jwebbal

lexbeach, did you know the adopting mom can deduct the costs of the adoption? Also, was one of you the supporting partner, and the other the sahm? Because if so, then the working mother can claim the other mom, and all the kids regardless if she had completed the adoption or not.

I've been told this before, but our tax guy always said it wasn't actually allowed. It didn't matter for this year because dw got back every single cent that she had paid out. She had more deductions than she needed. The adoption credit didn't do anything because dw was already getting the maximim refund just from having the two kids and being a student.

Lex

[mumm]

My partner has been claiming me a dependent for years. I'm the SAHM with an income of almost nothing. And here in MA I complete our federal taxes twice- once with me as the dependent that I file and once with me as spouse and I use that as reference for our state. I don't know if it is the right thing to do but that what I've been doing.

Also a SPA here costs nothing if you do it on your own. Fill out the paperwork (25 minutes at most), wait for a court date, show up and then it is done. The family court worker said that we don't even need to do a SPA if we are married in MA. DP can put her name on the birth certificate right from the start. We'll find out if that is correct when the twins come in June.

We did a homestudy for foster care, and it was shockingly unthorough. (Is that a word?) They commented on a couple things, but never followed up to see if we changed them. (Like a lock on the door to the basement.) It was also pretty clear that our older kids slept in our bed/room since their beds didn't have any blankets or pillows on them at the time of the visit. I wouldn't worry about it at all. And congratulations!

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by mumm

Also a SPA here costs nothing if you do it on your own. Fill out the paperwork (25 minutes at most), wait for a court date, show up and then it is done. The family court worker said that we don't even need to do a SPA if we are married in MA. DP can put her name on the birth certificate right from the start. We'll find out if that is correct when the twins come in June.

We used a lawyer just because we couldn't understand the language of the documents at all. We asked dw's brother (a lawyer) if he could explain it to us, and his advice was to hire a lawyer (figures). It only cost $750 though, so certainly less expensive than doing SPA in some states. For the baby, we will certainly do it ourselves.

Even though your dp's name will go on the birth certificates from the start, they still recommend that you do a SPA since the birth certificate is not a legally binding document. The relationship would be through marriage alone, and thus wouldn't be recognized in states that don't recognize gay marriage. But it was pretty cool to get Zeben's birth certificate and have it say dw's name on it already.

Lex

[Jwebbal]

I've been told this before, but our tax guy always said it wasn't actually allowed. It didn't matter for this year because dw got back every single cent that she had paid out. She had more deductions than she needed. The adoption credit didn't do anything because dw was already getting the maximim refund just from having the two kids and being a student.

Lex

Why does he say it isn't allowed? I believe your tax guy is wrong. And I believe even if you got back every cent she paid out, the adoption credit can be spread over subsequent years, so you would continue to get that money back. If you or your children were a dependent per IRS guidelines your partner could go back and amend her tax return to get the money on having these additional dependents. Even if the children are not yours legally, if you are supporting them, they are dependents under IRS rules.

http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html

My partner was able to use our son as a qualifying dependent because the moment he was born he was basically being placed for adoption. It just took us a while to file and finish the paperwork.

[Jwebbal]

Yes, always do a second parent adoption even if your state allows you to put your partner on the birth certificate from day one. The birth certificate isn't a binding proof of parentage, and other states could easily ignore it, as well as other countries, and a child could be taken from it's other parent if something happens to the bio mother.

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by Jwebbal

Why does he say it isn't allowed? I believe your tax guy is wrong. And I believe even if you got back every cent she paid out, the adoption credit can be spread over subsequent years, so you would continue to get that money back. If you or your children were a dependent per IRS guidelines your partner could go back and amend her tax return to get the money on having these additional dependents. Even if the children are not yours legally, if you are supporting them, they are dependents under IRS rules.

http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html

My partner was able to use our son as a qualifying dependent because the moment he was born he was basically being placed for adoption. It just took us a while to file and finish the paperwork.

So, even if we got back all the money she had paid out, could we still get MORE money for having more dependents?

I obviously have NO CLUE about taxes. Which is why we go to the tax guy. But apparently he's a bit clueless as well?

Lex

[Jwebbal]

For the adoption she would get more money in following years. Until she gets the maximum, why does the tax guy say she isn't eligible?

As for dependents, if they are all on your taxes this year then no, you wouldn't get more money, unless she was eligible for something like the earned income tax credit. But, if she didn't claim the children in prior years, and she was the one supporting them, she is probably eligible to claim them, if you weren't claiming them.

[megincl]

Originally Posted by Jwebbal

lexbeach, did you know the adopting mom can deduct the costs of the adoption? Also, was one of you the supporting partner, and the other the sahm? Because if so, then the working mother can claim the other mom, and all the kids regardless if she had completed the adoption or not.

I realize this thread has veered off in the tax direction...but I hope it's okay to post another tax-related question (as I scramble for deductions here). We did a 2nd parent adoption for DS about two years ago. I didn't claim it because DW claims him as a dependent because she earns more than me (I'm in grad school). Since I don't claim DS, how could I use the adoption credit? And if I could, somehow, can I take it now since I haven't taken it in the past?

Finally, just wanted to second the fact that you should absolutely do a SPA even if your partner/wife is on your child's birth certificate. The adoption is the only thing that will give her legal rights out of state.

Good luck!
megin

[Jwebbal]

You don't have to claim the child to take the adoption credit. You are still able to use the credit I believe, though I am not sure if you would claim it this year, or amend the return for the year you did the adoption. How much were your expenses? That might help you decide?

[Jwebbal]

the tax form I linked to above doesn't tell the full picture when it comes to dependent children. Basically any child living with you full time, as long as that relationship doesn't break local law, and you supported them is qualified. So even if you didn't do the adoption till the child was say 3, the child would still qualify on your taxes prior to the adoption.

As for adoption expenses and the credit, I am almost positive that you would have to go back and amend the return for the year it was finalized.