How can I help a friend who miscarried?

[nova22]

My friend had a surprise pregnancy...this would have been her fifth baby. She wasn't sure how far along she was, but she's fairly certain the conception was sometime in January. For mamas who have miscarried, what was helpful to you, and what was NOT helpful (or what hurt you more than it helped...if that makes sense)? I would really like to send her a card, maybe bring her a meal after her D&C, but I don't know. Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated...I know she's grieving very much right now.

[kittynurse]

I've had 3 m/c's myself and I have found that the worst thing you can do is act like nothing happened. Let her know that if she wants to talk, you will listen. When I lost my babies, I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. It would have been nice to feel like I could let that out and not just with my DH.

Definately a card would be nice. She is grieving a loss that deserves to be recognized.

Being physically supportive is a great idea. Like you said, making meals, offering to help out around her house, offering to look after her other kids, these are all good things.

My m/c's were before I managed to carry a baby to term. Maybe another helpful mama here who has experienced one after having given birth will have some more advice for you about how your friend might be affected emotionally by this.

Also, for me, I felt compelled to have some kind of physical reminder of my babies. I have a few angel items around my house that I chose after my losses. They are inconspicuous and no-one would make the connection unless I told them but they are important to me. Maybe a little something like that would be helpful for her. It doesn't necessarily need to be an angel or even anything spiritual, that is just what called to me.

HTH and thank you for being such a thoughtful friend. I find that not many people who haven't been through an m/c really "get" it.

ETA: Forgot to add: definately DO NOT say things like: "it was for the best", "the baby wasn't meant to be", "it's God's will", and especially DO NOT SAY: "you can always have another one"!!!!! While these statements are all technically true (depending on your beliefs), it completely disrespects the loss of a human life that has occurred. A human life that was her baby. A baby that she dreamt of holding in her arms and gently rocking or nursing to sleep. A baby that she imagined growing up to be a happy, successful adult with dreams of it's own. It is a huge loss that society as a whole does not get and really trivializes.

Sorry for the soapbox. As you can tell, this is an important issue for me.

[towsonmama]

My neighbors brought us dinner when we returned from the hospital after my miscarriage and we really appreciated it. There's not a lot you can say to comfort her but a huge hug helps.

[RachelGS]

The biggest things that helped me were for people to acknowledge my grief without platitudes and for people to feed me. I was exhausted, and the friend who showed up with a few bags of groceries was the reason I ate anything that week. Meals for my daughter and offers of childcare also helped. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

[lisamarie]

Here is a link to a wonderful suggestions thread that is over in the Pregnancy & Birth Loss forum: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=130836

I hope you find it helpful and that it answers some of your questions. Lighting a candle for your friend and her baby.

Warmly,

Lisa

[Leylla]

What I wanted more than anything was someone to get my other kids out of the house for a little while. Maybe a movie, a trip to the park, etc.

I felt like I had to keep it so together for them, and at the time DH was working mandatory overtime so he wasn't home much. I just wanted to be able to crawl up and cry it all out. I kept feeling like ONE good cry was what I needed to start the healing process.

I did get the second best thing, (and don't think I was any less gratefull) but my Aunt came 2,000 miles for 3 days and CLEANED my house, stocked the fridge, and tried to do as much for the kids as possible. And it actually took more than one good cry.

And (since she's a therapist) she's a super good listener. I cried on her all night the first night, and she just listened. And ditto PP who said those platitudes make one feel even worse or aren't appropriate. A lot of people from my church would say those things and I know they had the best intentions, but it still hurt. Badly.

Steph

[Storm Bride]

As far as something to say goes, I always found a simple "I'm sorry" felt the best to me. I agree with a pp about not saying "it was for the best", "it was God's will", "you can try again" or anything like that. I knew people meant them to be supportive, but it felt SO dismissive of what I was going through. I don't think I have to mention it here, but also avoid comments such as, "at least you know you can have children" or "at least you already have children". My first miscarriage was when ds1 was 4.5, and I'd been ttc for 3.5 years...comments like that seared.

After that first miscarriage, my closest friend did something I'll never forget. We met for coffee a couple of days after the loss, and she handed me a sympathy card, and an incredibly soft stuffed dog. I said, "thank you", and she replied with "I thought you could use something to hug". I broke down right there in the restaurant...and have cuddled up to that dog during many painful times (my other two miscarriages, my divorce, etc.) since. That was...10 years ago, and I never forgot it.