Have you been harassed while out with your kids?

[pdxmomazon]

Hi all-

We were in Everett, Washington visiting my cousin this weekend, and when we stopped for gas on the way home, we were harassed. The pair (a man pumping his gas and his "friend", a woman who got out of the car just to yell at us.) appoached us while we were pumping/paying for gas and our daughter was in the car. The woman was yelling that we/I had the "jezebel spirit" and at one point began to approach the car by our daughter, asking her name and telling us we were "gross." We were sort of stuck completing the task at hand- my wife even began to overfill the tank because he was targeting her, calling her a man, and yelling at her while she was pumping our gas. I feel like we held our cool- told them loudly to leave us alone, and I even managed to get back into our car and get the keys, safely lock our daughter in and then got back out to stand by my wife.

My question is how do you go about handling the residuals? Our daughter is 15 months old and so I know she understands a lot more than we can readily see. We both feel dazed and upset, which I am sure she can sense, but I am not sure what to DO about it. Do I talk about the specific incident with her, or tell her generalized stories about how some people are mean, but her Mommies will always protect her, or something else entirely? What signs of distress should I watch for in her? I am sure that the following three hours in the car where we experienced everything from terror (what could've happened), to fury (why didn't we do something more), to greatfulness (they didn't physically harm us) must've impacted her. Does anyone have experience with this?

[Finch]

Oh my gosh. I have no personal experience, just wanted to say I am so, so very sorry. How terrifying and how horrible. I don't understand such hate. I just don't.

[PixelDust]

I am so sorry that happened to you. Just reading your story makes me angry and scared, so I can only imagine how you must feel! It sounds like you did the right thing -- kept your cool and avoided escalating the situation or making it even scarier for your daughter.

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by Finch

Oh my gosh. I have no personal experience, just wanted to say I am so, so very sorry. How terrifying and how horrible. I don't understand such hate. I just don't.

I'm sorry -- I am not queer, but I can't begin to tell you how horrible I think those people's behavior was. With the reference to "Jezebel spirit" (a new one on me!!), I'm sure they're probably fundamentalist Christians. Shame they can't read that part of the Bible that included Jesus, KWIM?

I think you folks handled it exactly right. I could only hope to have that kind of calm self-possession in a similar circumstance.

[mama2mygirl]

I'm sorry that happened. That must have been so scary. It sounds to me like you handled it really well.
I don't have any experience but I did not want to read and not post.

[momma4fun]

Wow that must have been scary. I think you are right in worrying that your dd may have picked up on those scared vibes, but I would not worry about verbally explaining the situation to her -- she's way too young to understand the rational, and by telling her what happened you yourself would actually be re-living and imagining that picture of fear of the hate and intolerance that was projected on you -- so she may feel that all over again.

I would try to just make the rest of the day and atmosphere as light, calm, safe and normal as possible. Maybe sing some extra songs -- play peekaboo to get some laughs out of dd. Destress yourself and she'll follow, you know? To me there's nothing more calming than enjoying my children.

[2mama]

That really sucks. I'm not queer but I saw your post and had to respond sine I have been sexually harassed in front of my kids by a doctor that I work with. Explaining what he ment and why it was wrong was hard with a then 8 yr old. Luckily you dc is young and will not remember the incident for long. But for your own piece of mind you could incorperate possitive ways to treat others into your daily discussions. And if heaven forbid something like this happens again I would happen again you could say something to dc like what so and so said made mommy very sad and hurt mommy likes it much better when people talk to mommy like this...

I hope this helps!

[*daciaperfect*]

I am so sorry that happened to you. People can be so rude. Good for you for keeping your cool.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by momma4fun

Wow that must have been scary. I think you are right in worrying that your dd may have picked up on those scared vibes, but I would not worry about verbally explaining the situation to her -- she's way too young to understand the rational, and by telling her what happened you yourself would actually be re-living and imagining that picture of fear of the hate and intolerance that was projected on you -- so she may feel that all over again.

I would try to just make the rest of the day and atmosphere as light, calm, safe and normal as possible. Maybe sing some extra songs -- play peekaboo to get some laughs out of dd. Destress yourself and she'll follow, you know? To me there's nothing more calming than enjoying my children.

:

I think you did what you could in the moment.

It's important not to beat ourselves up with "coulda, woulda, shoulda" and instead think proactively about Next Time. There will be a Next Time, but hopefully not as scary because you'll be better prepared.

Assertiveness training and/or self defense classes aren't a bad idea. I learned a lot about how not to provoke further attack in an assertiveness training class I took through work. It came in very handy when I was quasi-mugged last year (not queer related, I don't think) and it has come in handy for de-escalating what might have turned into uglier situations that were queer/trans related.

[wemoon]

I'm so sorry this happened to you! I don't know what I would've done in your shoes. Knowing me, I would've done something dumb and made the situation worse.

I got so upset last week because on my school campus it was eliminate hate week. I walked through this exhibit called "The Real Real World" and it had displays about the vast amounts of hate that are expirienced. There was some audio tape of a preacher calling us horrible names and how there is no remorse and only hell to look forward to. He was preaching this in a sermon to other people. The anger in his voice was so chilling. I was just in shock that people can have so much hate inside themselves for me and would rather that I was just dead.

[osker]

I can't imagine how horrible that must have felt. I agree with pps that you did a great job of handling the situation even with all the stress and fear that must have been present. In addition, I wanted to comment on what wemoon said, feeling such present hatred is difficult. My wife and I were fortunate enough to be present at the first-ever Pride rally in Lynchburg, VA a few years ago. It was an amazing experience mostly because of the power of the hatred of people there. It still sticks in my brain that there were six-year-olds there with signs telling us that we were going to hell, and yelling horrible things at everyone. I know that they couldn't really understand what was going on, but that kind of made it worse, KWIM? But, what was great and powerful about the whole thing is that everyone that was there for the rally (on our side) was positive and loving and really excited to be there and to pull together. I am always able to keep in my mind that there are people out there that love "my kind" of people and that just genuinely love people in general.
Again, I'm so sorry that this happened to you, but keep in mind that there are people who support you and love you!

[chfriend]

To them, cellphone in hand. Get away from my family or I will call 911.

To my child: Honey, some people are ill in their minds. That was scary, wasn't it. If they hadn't left us alone, we would have gotten the police to help us.

[pdxmomazon]

Thanks for all the support and good suggestions. I woke up feeling very vulnerable today, so my wife stayed home with us. Our daughter slept very poorly- probably a result of all the stress, so we've had a cuddly together day! We're busy laughing and snuggling and overcoming the negativity of yesterday. I like the suggestion of an assertiveness/self-defense class. Thanks FtMPapa. We'll look into it.

On a slightly more humorous note, I looked up "spirit of jezebel" on google and found it very interesting. Any strong woman, especially a member of one's church, who seeks to undermine God via her charisma and leadership. A "modern" way to accuse a woman of witchcraft. I am a Christian and I remember yelling "I am a Christian! You're not a real Christian!" at the nutty lady. Based on a the little I read last night, my retort could've confirmed her claims that I was "satan's woman", and I think that's fricking hilarious!

Thanks again, folks. I appreciate the support and suggestions.

[Finch]

Originally Posted by chfriend

To them, cellphone in hand. Get away from my family or I will call 911.

To my child: Honey, some people are ill in their minds. That was scary, wasn't it. If they hadn't left us alone, we would have gotten the police to help us.

This is good.

[2tadpoles]

That's an awful story and I'm sorry it happened to you.

I'd like to know how these freaky people knew that two women traveling together are a lesbian couple? I've gone places with female friends or family members, and nobody has ever assumed that we were a couple, AFAIK.

[frog]

Any strong woman, especially a member of one's church, who seeks to undermine God via her charisma and leadership. A "modern" way to accuse a woman of witchcraft. I am a Christian and I remember yelling "I am a Christian! You're not a real Christian!" at the nutty lady. Based on a the little I read last night, my retort could've confirmed her claims that I was "satan's woman", and I think that's fricking hilarious!

I am SO glad you responded in that way to her. It makes me crazy that the haters think they're the definition of Christian. I don't understand that at all.

It sounds like you handled it beautifully--I'm sorry it left you rattled.

[pdxmomazon]

Originally Posted by 2tadpoles

T

I'd like to know how these freaky people knew that two women traveling together are a lesbian couple?

We have a pride sticker on our car Not to mention a little turtle "family" as well. Actually, the sticker is a point of contention between my wife and me. I was a very active activist before we met and married, and I feel that queer invisibility is part of the reason it's so easy to pick on us. I've had a pride sticker on my car ever since I came out 12 years ago, and I'll be damned if I'll be intimidated into taking it of!

My wife, who has a good point, believes that the sticker simply lets people know one thing about us, and invites them into our lives to harass and possibly hurt us.

In the 12 years I've been out, this is the first time I (or she for that matter) have been harassed outside of a decidedly political arena (like when i protested the Promise Keepers with other Lesbian Avengers in DC). So, for now the sticker stays. But the discussion lingers on....

[FtMPapa]

I just realized that your daughter was born the day I turned 25 - I was born December 27, 1980!

Take good care of you and yours - it's sounds like you are, mental health/cuddle days are a must.

[frog]

Originally Posted by pdxmomazon

We have a pride sticker on our car Not to mention a little turtle "family" as well. Actually, the sticker is a point of contention between my wife and me. I was a very active activist before we met and married, and I feel that queer invisibility is part of the reason it's so easy to pick on us. I've had a pride sticker on my car ever since I came out 12 years ago, and I'll be damned if I'll be intimidated into taking it of!

My wife, who has a good point, believes that the sticker simply lets people know one thing about us, and invites them into our lives to harass and possibly hurt us.

In the 12 years I've been out, this is the first time I (or she for that matter) have been harassed outside of a decidedly political arena (like when i protested the Promise Keepers with other Lesbian Avengers in DC). So, for now the sticker stays. But the discussion lingers on....

We have this discussion regularly as well. I'm you, turtle's your partner in our version of it. She's a big believer in flying under the radar as much as possible--I know how happy I get when I see a car with a rainbow sticker when I'm driving and I like to be able to offer that moment to others.

We're going on a long road-trip soon and we're borrowing a car from her parents--I had agreed to take the sticker off for the trip, and I'm honestly relieved that I won't have to do it. The car we're using doesn't have any stickers, so we don't have to discuss it this time.

[TinkerBelle]

What purpose did harassing you serve? I mean, I have been the recipient of snide remarks because I had a sticker with a bible verse on it about the love of Jesus. Nothing rude, nothing telling people what to do. Just a simple little verse. My car, my sticker, my right to express my beliefs. Same as you or anyone else.

You (general "you") don't have to agree with the way someone lives, whether gay, straight, Christian, Non-Christian, Wiccan, etc, etc. But, you don't have the right to harass and terrorize the person either.

People who hate like that don't represent decen human beings, much less decent Christians.