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disappointing, or traumatic birth experiences (and moving on from them) tribe - Page 3

post #41 of 321
I don't really have the time to write out the whole story right now, but my birth experience five months ago still hurts. My dd had a very traumatic vaginal delivery and was born not breathing and with a very slow heartrate. I don't know if there was anything that could have been done differently, but I still feel immense guilt that she had to spend the first three days of her life in a NICU isolette where I couldn't protect, cuddle or even breastfeed her. I don't even want to think about how alone and confused she must have felt. Anyway, I'm still looking for ways to process what happened. Most people don't want to hear about it anymore and just want me to get over it.
post #42 of 321
Quote:
Originally Posted by jwormsley View Post
Anyway, I'm still looking for ways to process what happened. Most people don't want to hear about it anymore and just want me to get over it.
Thats absolutely terrible. Sorry that you are going through that. Just because you end up with a baby doesn't mean that you cannot lament the way she came into this world. Its a process of letting go of those feelings that I have't quite come to terms with yet.
post #43 of 321
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DBassett View Post
did I kill the thread? Sorry
No, it's just a slow thread. Your story was a good example of how women are so often treated by their care providers.

post #44 of 321

Long and rambly

My son’s birth was nowhere near what a lot of you ladies have experienced, but I’m still struggling with some lingering guilt and regret because of it and DS is 2 ½. I had been planning a UC. There were no midwives in the area and I didn’t want to have to travel an hour and a half in labor to a birth center. Then we found out at 36 weeks that DS was breech. I agreed to go to a hospital to birth him because neither XH nor I was really comfortable with a breech UC for our first. I still wanted a vaginal birth, even though he was breech, but when I told the doctors this, they refused to even discuss the possibility. Breech = C-section, period. I tried to bring it up again, but they blew me off. I didn’t argue because I was intimidated. I’m military and they outranked me. It’s hard to argue with a Major telling you no when you’re an E-4, even if you do have the legal right to.

They did an ultrasound at the 37 week checkup and he was still breech. They scheduled me for a version at 39 weeks, which they say is the soonest they could get me in. I know now that versions that late VERY rarely work because the baby’s so big there’s not much room to turn. Doesn’t matter anyway, because my water broke at 37 weeks 1 day. I was at work and I had my boss drive me to the base clinic to check and see if it actually was my water breaking. The doctor did a quick check and told me it was broken and I was at about 5cm. I realize now that the strongish backache I’d had the night before was actually labor, but I had no idea at the time.

I went straight to the downtown hospital. I called XH on the way and he met me there. I tried to get them to let him in with me while I got my spinal, but they refused. He came in afterwards and sat by my head. At the time, I wasn’t really upset about the C/S, I was just excited to see my baby. I must have been subconsciously nervous, though, because I was shaking really badly and didn’t stop until the spinal kicked in.

DS had a bit of trouble because of the C/S. They had to bag him to breathe and he spent his first two days under an Oxihood because of grunting. The doctor also nicked his butt with the scalpel (he’s ok, no scar). I didn’t get to hold him till the next day, but they took me by there for a few minutes on the way to my room from recovery. A nurse helped me pump and fed DS my colostrum with a cup and dropper. What I didn’t know was that they were topping him off with formula.

Two days after his birth, he finally got to come to my room to nurse. We had trouble getting him to stay awake and nurse (maybe because his belly was full of formula!). Finally, the nurse got an SNS and put some formula in it. She said he might be more interested if he were getting something more when he nursed. It seemed to work, I guess because he had gotten used to the smell and taste of Similac.

DS was born on a Thursday afternoon. We went home Sunday afternoon. After the first week of mostly pumping and cup or syringe-feeding, DS nursed like a champ and continued until he self-weaned at 22 months, with NO more formula! So at least that’s one good thing. My incision healed fine, dissolvable sutures, so I didn’t have to get staples taken out. I recovered well and have had no long-term effects, especially since a physical therapist friend showed me scar mobilization.

I still feel bad about not standing up for my rights, not just going home to have him, etc. I know that I made the best decision I could with the information and circumstances I had, but it’s hard not to smack people that say “At least you have a healthy baby!” I’m planning on a UP/UC for all future babies, Goddess willing.

I also feel guilty just for feeling guilty! My surgery went well, DS and I are fine, I recovered quickly and easily. I feel like I have no right to feel bad about it. Doesn’t mean I don’t.
post #45 of 321
I'd definitely be interested. I just can't read all the posts right now or post my traumatic birth (2000) because it's just a little too intense for me right now.

to all of you, though.
post #46 of 321
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennica View Post
No, it's just a slow thread. Your story was a good example of how women are so often treated by their care providers.

I'm glad I didn't kill it.

I blogged about it bc my hospital did something completely disgusting. http://milkymomma.blogspot.com/ I encourage any one with a blog to do so even if you set it to private. It felt tons better to get it out there where nobody could comment negatively on it- I mean they can but I have it moderated so I can delete rude remarks. Mine is public though for an education purpose.

to all of you!! Hopefully we can all learn something from these bad experiences. In my case, I know my rights now and I won't be letting doctors push me around.
post #47 of 321
Quote:
Originally Posted by pookel View Post
It just occurred to me, we've had some discussions in the c-section tribe about a c-section forum as well. Would there be enough interest if we could have one combined subforum for all of us who didn't or can't have perfect/easy/natural/etc. births? I'm thinking of:

Medically necessary c-sections (and planning for future ones)
Discussing past c-sections
Traumatic birth experiences
High-risk pregnancies
Hospital births/interventions for medical reasons (e.g. PROM, pre-e, baby's medical condition)

Along the lines of the "breastfeeding challenges" subforums, perhaps it could be called "birth challenges," and be a haven for everyone who didn't or can't get the birth they wanted.

I think the birth challenges forum would be just wonderful. I had a disappointing (to say the least) birthing experience. Some of it was my fault, some not, but I'd just love a place where I could share my story without the worry that I'll be told I should just get over it. I was also told by many family members that my child was beautiful and healthy and that was all that was important. I was thrilled to have a beautiful healthy child, but that did nothing to help the horrors that happened to me in (and out) of the hospital because of the birth.

Also, I think that it would be nice if mamas could post even if their birth wasn't particularly traumatic. You can feel guilt and unhappiness about even the best of births, and I think its important to let everyone talk about it without the fear that they'll be told to shut up.

If it does become a forum I think there should be a rule that goes something like: No telling a mama that your birthing experience was worse than her birthing experience. All our feelings are valid, and nobody should be made to feel differently.


Negative birthing experiences don't just affect a woman for one day, they can affect her for years and births to come.




Anyhow, I'm looking for my birth story and the subsequent junk that happened once I got home. I'll post it when I find it!
post #48 of 321

OT Breech babies

Sorry to go OT but I just started a breech baby tribe and saw that there are a few of us in here....

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...43#post8362343
post #49 of 321
Thread Starter 
Warning, beginning of rant...

The other day I was sharing my birth story with a new friend. It came up because I was explaining why we aren't ready to start trying for a second dc yet. I didn't tell the story, I just gave a rough overview. "It was traumatic", "I didn't like the hospital", "I had a really mean midwife and nurses", etc.

Well, little did I know that she had a natural birth in a hospital. Right away she started in on the questions, "well, did you have a doula" and then "well, she should have stood up for you more", and "well, did you have a birth plan?", "did you take childbirth classes?"

Okay, yes, my doula should have advocated for me more, but there is only so much a doula can do. She never had the power to stop anything from happening. And maybe I should have had a birth plan, but I did have notes in my chart that they totally ignored, and they totally ignored me, who was right their in front of them saying "no" and screaming "no", why would a piece of paper somewhere hold more power than me, a flesh and blood person right in front of them? And yeah, I did take childbirth classes, but that wasn't good enough for her since they were through the hospital. She said "oh, we took a Bradly class and that really prepared us". She went on to tell me how they need to get "informed consent" which she learned all about in her class. And that her birth plan said that they needed to get consent from her for every procedure. And that she really thinks having a birth plan, and being "educated" was what helped her to have a good experience.

I pushed my position and said, "but I was right there saying 'no' and screaming 'no', why would they listen to a birth plan and not my own voice?" Then she finally got a little confused and said, "well then, how do you protect yourself in the hospital?"

This kind of thing really bothers me. And it goes both ways depending on who your talking too. Plenty of women have said, "well, did you get the epidural, no?, oh, well that's why you had a hard time." If a woman was raped, wouldn't you just say, "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" You wouldn't say, "well, were you dressed sexy?", "were you walking alone at night?", "were you carrying mace?". And then if the woman said, "well no, I wasn't carrying mace", would you then look at her with a nod of your head in a knowing way and say, "yeah, see, I carry mace, and that is why I have never been attacked. I have educated myself, and therefore I will never be attacked."

Give me a break. It can happen to anyone. Just because your supposedly educated, doesn't mean your immune to being assaulted. It doesn't mean your immune to making mistakes. It doesn't mean your immune to physical problems that go wrong with you or the baby. It doesn't mean you can control your birth experience anymore than anyone else. And you know what, Bradly or Lamaze or Hypnobabies ain't the answer to having a good birth. It works for some people and thats great, but there is no one right answer. There is no follow this plan exactly and you will get a good birth. You can do everything "right" and your experience can still suck.

Okay, end of rant.
post #50 of 321
Boy, do I need this thread right now! DS is almost 7 months old and I am still really struggling with feelings of inadequecy, etc. regarding his birth.

We started using a stand-alone birth center with 3 fabulous midwives when I was almost 3 months pg. after a very unhappy experience with an OB/GYN. After the switch, the plan was all-natural, all-the way. I remember feeling very smug as we sat through the required half-day birth class that discussed "what if things go wrong?" I should have known better.

My water broke at 5 am on my due date and contractions started right away. DS had been presenting posterior so I was either standing or on my birth ball all day. By 5 pm, the contractions where 3 minutes apart so we decided to head to the birthcenter. Things were going so well that I was afraid of being too far into labor before getting there.

Once there, I labored on the birthball and in the tub. Sometime during the night, I began vomitting and I could not keep anything in me. The midwives started an IV towards morning and when they checked me, I was only 3 cm. We went on this way until 8 pm. They gave me a total of 2 IVs and I hadn't really eaten or slept since the previous morning. They finally told me that I should transfer to the hospital as they had done everything that they could. I had stalled out at 6 cm.

Luckily, one of the birthcenter's employees is also a doula and she came with us and stayed the entire time. Once at the hospital, they immediately started me on pit. By 5 am (48 hours after my water broke -- still no sleep and severly dehydrated even with the IVs (an anesthesiologist couldn't get my IV started, they had to have someone from the cancer ward do it), I couldn't take the pain any longer and asked for an epidural. I was finally able to sleep for 2 hours. At 8 am the dr's said that I needed to have a c-section. Even with the pit on the max, I never made it past 6 cm. DS's heart rate was beginning to show stress so we agreed. Ben was born at 9:56 am on Thanksgiving, 52 hours after my water broke.

I felt, and still feel, like such a failure for how this all developed. Things happened in the hospital during my recovery that just compounded those feeling (I'll save that for another post). I keep thinking "if only". I think I would have an easier time with closure if we knew why I did not progress. DS had a very large head but no one said that he was stuck or anything.

We are beginning to discuss DC #2 and I am frankly unconvinced that I can have a VBAC. I have essentially lost all confidence in my body. I really need to work on these feeling and get it behind me before I become pg again because then it will just become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thank you for letting me tell my story. I've never put it all down in words before and I think that it help.
post #51 of 321
Thank you for this thread! Just the past week, I was thinking, "how am I ever going to get over this?" My DS is 7.5 months old now. I told my DH, "I need to talk to someone who understands!" And here you are! I can relate to every single one of your stories in some way. Thank you for sharing them.

I am long winded, so here it goes:

Almost every woman in my family has given birth by C-section. I did not want that, and felt that my only way to avoid a c-s was to go completely natural, not in the hospital. I started with a midwife and planned to birth my baby at the birthing center. Everything started out fine. We found out at 27 weeks that my baby would be born with a cleft lip and palate. This news was totally devastating to me for so many reasons, and I felt like a complete failure. I had failed to protect and take care of my unborn baby. Instead of focusing on the birth and my pregnancy, I threw myself into learning as much as I could about his condition, EPing, finding doctors, and insurance. I could write a novel about the emotions I went though at that time.

Around that time, my BP began to creep up. Now, I think it was stress related. I didn't realize how stressed and depressed I was, but now as I am just beginning to come out of that I can see that I was in a really bad emotional state. So - by 32 weeks, it was just getting too high, so I went on bedrest and transferred to the care of an OB. I felt that transferring now would hopefully give me a chance at still getting the birth I wanted. Also, I was nervous about the cleft, and possibly needing to be in the hospital for that.

At 37 weeks, the doctor decided I needed to be induced, and I was glad. I was so sick feeling, swollen, and depressed. Now, I wish I would have tried to wait longer.

I felt so manipulated throughout the process. I said I did not want to be induced with cytotec. I expressed my concerns to the Dr. and at the end of the coversation, he said to the nurse, "go ahead with the cytotec." And I let them. I felt so ignored. I had to stay in bed all day and all night. My uterus kept hyperstimulating, so it was a constant cycle of induction drugs/terb. I just felt yucky. The next morning, I was 1-2cm. Another Dr. came in and broke my water after a conversation similar to the cytotec one. After this though, I was in a good labor patern on my own. I was able to stand up and work through them. This is the one thing I hang onto - I enjoyed it. I loved feeling my body work toward birthing my baby. About 4 hours later, I was at 4cm. Apparently, this wasn't good enough for them. They told me I would need pitocin. My midwife had told me that if I get pitocin, to just get an epidural, because it would help me to relax through the difficult contractions. Stupidly, I did this. I wish I would have at least tried to handle the pitocin contractions.

Anyway, all began to really go downhill at this point. I don't know what time it was by this point, but I was 6 cm. DS's heartrate kept dropping because of the pitocin, I was getting a fever, my BP was going through the roof, and I wasn't dilating "fast enough." That time was a blur - they were doing all sorts of things to me. Dr. told me if any of the problems get worse, or I don't progress at 1cm per hour, it would be an emergency c-s. Or, I could make the choice now to do it. Right at this time, my epidural wore out and the contractions hit me like a truck. I was totally unprepared for them. So, in that moment of exhaustion, pain, and sickness - I chose the c-s. I can't get over that I was one that chose it. Part of me hates myself for that. Everyone told me that I wouldn't be able to handle a natural birth, and they were all right. I was such a failure.

Maybe I was not ready for DS to be born, I knew that once he was born, I would have a whole new set of issues to deal with. I feel so guilty writing that now - as I am so in love with every part of him - but that's how I felt at the time.

I was shaking very badly while strapped to the table. I was so angry. Angry about the mean doctor who told me about DS's cleft (another horrible experience), mad at myself, mad at everyone. I am so sad that my son was brought into the world that way.

After they lifted him out, I heard a small, sweet cry. They brought him over to the table to clean him off - and as I looked at him I felt so disconnected. This crushed me that I felt that way. They announced that his palate was affected (it had only been suspected before), and again, I felt my heart break even more. I knew I would not be able to breast feed him. I just wanted the whole thing to be over. I wanted a do over. As they stiched me up, I started vomitting. My whole body was convulsing, I was vomitting, I was cold. My baby and husband were gone, and I was so alone.

I was brought down to recovery, and my BP kept getting higher and higher. I heard my mom outside the door, and they said they wouldn't let her come in, only my primary support person. Well he was up with our baby and all our other family. I felt so discarded, like the baby was out of me, so I was no longer worth anything. My mom was the only person who cared about how I was (and DH, but he was very torn). Finally, they let her in. My DH eventually came down too. They told me they would have to start me on magnesium, and that I would be in recovery for 6 hours. I couldn't believe I wouldn't get to see my baby for 6 hours!

They put me in another room, and I was so messed up from all the drugs. They did end up bringing DS to me, but I couldn't even hold him or see straight. I felt a little better, but still so disconnected from him. DH had already fed him, he had a bath, all my family saw him - and I missed all these things. All my life I dreamed of having a baby, and I was missing all these precious firsts.

That night, my mom stayed with me, while DH went and slept in the mother-baby unit. I was upset that DH chose to sleep alone rather than be with me or with DS. Anyway, I felt like talking to my mom, was asking questions about the baby and stuff, and the nurses kept scolding us, telling us to be quiet and sleep. And for some reason, I was abiding by their "rules." When a nurse came by, I would be quiet, but once they left, we would talk.

The next morning, they wheeled me upstairs to the mother baby unit and played the song they play whenever a baby was born. It made me so mad - I should have told them to stop it. It was like it was taunting me. First of all, I didn't feel like I had birthed my baby, I feel like he was ripped from me. Also, I didn't even feel like the mother, I had been totally seperated from him and I didn't even know what he looked like hardly (aside from the cleft).

I did then get some time with my baby, but I was still drugged and in so much pain. I tried to bf him, but people discouraged me from trying. My night nurse was very mean, made me shower all alone, degraded DH when trying to change DS meconium diaper, took the baby at night when we "needed rest." I did not want my baby in the nursery, but DH did - and I couldn't get him by myself. I so needed my baby by me, but again, I couldn't do it! I was a failure again! I also couldn't (and haven't) gotten over not being able to bf him.

I need some help to get through all this. For me, I think its all the issues combined that made the whole experience traumatic. DS has done great, and I've been EPing for him - but next week he gets his palate repaired. I hope to breastfeed him, I think it could be a very healing thing for us.

I understand what some of you have mentioned about the fear. I desperately want a VBAC, but am so afraid that things will not go that way. I have lost all confidence in my body. I want to move on from this, but I don't know how. I need to talk about it, but friends and family are sick of hearing about it.

I also have had a hard time fitting in somewhere. I go to a mom's group at the birthing center, but I feel so inadequate because of the c-s and mostly because I bottle feed my baby. Yet, at least they get my pain about the loss of those things. I have the girls I know from my church and stuff - but they don't get it. The other day we were talking about births and I said something about c-s, and the girl says "oh yeah, I forgot - you are against c-s." Um...no. I am hurt by my experience. They don't get it.

One final thought to end this novel. I HATE when people say, "all that matters is a healthy baby." First of all, that is not all that matters. Giving birth is a huge moment in a woman's life and it does matter how she is treated, feels, etc. Also, I hated when people said this to me, because I felt like I didn't really have a healthy baby. I mean, he is doing great, but he will have 2 surgeries before he's one, has seen countless doctors, and has special feeding needs. It was just salt in the wound whenever people said this to me.

I hope this makes sense, I'm having a hard time articulating it, and it is surprising me how emotional I've gotten while writing it. Thank you for listening - it makes a world of difference.
post #52 of 321
First of all huge hugs to all you ladies. It makes me so sad to think of what you've all been through! I too, was telling my husband the other night that I just need to talk to someone who's been through it. He tries, but he doesn't get it.

So I guess I'll tell my stories. I've never written much about the first birth, so here it goes.

***

First of all, I was terribly naive. I had this kooky idea that I would just magically know how to birth a baby and all would go the way it was meant to. I remember my DH and I laughing on the way home from the OB when he recommended birthing classes - doesn't it just happen on it's own?
I'd started bleeding at about 32 weeks, so I was put on modified bedrest. I couldn't work or go anywhere.

The morning of the Jan. 20, around noon, my DH and I were laying around in bed (oh, the lazy pre-baby days) and I felt something gush between my legs. I remember wondering how to tell him that I had peed myself before I realized my water had broken. We ran to the hospital, sure that I'd have a baby any minute. When I got there I requested my wonderful, supportive OB (who later talked a friend of mine into a VBAC!), only to be told that he was out of town and another OB was filling in for him. When I met her I got this awful, gut-wrenching bad feeling in my stomach. She seemed too rushed, like the last thing she was interested in doing was delivering a baby today, and I was a huge inconvience. She was telling the nurses about how her daughter had something important going on at school today, and she's roll her eyes towards me.

After a 6 hours of labor, the pain was getting intense. I'd wanted no epidural, but I aggreed to Stadol on a whim. The pain was lessened but I started hallucinating - the walls were turning green and melting, everyone's voices were deeper and echoed - I was creeped out. I just wanted it to end. I wasn't a stranger to hallucinogens from my younger days, but this was horrible. They pretty much left me alone with my DH during this time. They came in to check me and there was little to no progress. I wish I had a better memory of it all now. Then at one point they noticed I had a fever. 102 or so. Then the babies heartrate was dipping. The next thing I know they tell me I need to get an epidural now because I'm having a c-section. I hit me like a ton of bricks - I had never even considered it. The epidural was awful. The c-section was awful. I do remember though, hearing her cry and saying "I'll NEVER get sick of that cry!" and watching my husband cry as they took her away. I was in tears too. One thing I feel very lucky about is that I felt a bond with immediately. We'd bonding alot while she was in utero.

Honestly, it's afterwards that was almost more traumatic with my first birth, but I'll leave it out unless someone is interested, since it's not directly birth related.

I'll post about the second, more traumatic birth separately.
post #53 of 321
Ok, fast forward 2 years. I feel like alot of the trauma started during the pregnancy so I'll start there.

I'd been planning my homebirth VBAC a few days after my c-section. When I got pregnant again I couldn't wait to have this beautiful birth - I spent hours with tears of joy in my eyes, pouring over amazing birth stories. We found the perfect midwife. My husband was 110% supportive. We were going to do this!

And then I started getting depressed - no one besides my husband was really behind me, and I needed that support. I remember my (well meaning) Dad & step-mom telling me that I was going to kill my baby if I had her at home. My step-mom is famous for her "dreams" and she told me she'd seen bad things and was worried for us. Everytime we saw or talked to them, I'd leave feeling horribly depressed. Then at my DD1's birthday party, my husband's entire family (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc) were all talking about how unsafe homebirth was and how scared they were for me. Surprisingly, aside from my DH and mom, the one who stood up to say homebirth isn't "so bad" was my BIL, who's an EMT. I just felt this crushing since of despair and I was getting really tired of fighting for this birth against most of my loved ones.

Physically, I was totally exhausted by this pregnancy. I wanted to do nothing but sleep and my house was a disaster. My DD1 and I were incredibly close, and I'd lay next to her for hours at night sobbing, thinking we'd lose our bond when the baby came. Looking back, I think alot of this anxiety was caused by the previous birth.

We found out at 33 weeks that the baby was breech. We saw an awesome chiropractor and soon she wasn't! But then she was posterior, and stayed that way. 40 weeks came, and still no baby. 41, 42, 43, 44. I was miserable. I was no longer excited for the birth, I just wanted it over with. I had tons of prodromal labor over the weeks. I honestly think I was just so tense and full of anxiety that I wasn't emotionally ready to birth.

Then Monday night, my water broke. I hadn't been able to sleep laying down for weeks because of the pain, so I went back to the couch to try to rest. I couldn't sleep. My husband stayed home from work and my dad came to get Autumn for awhile so I could labor. We spent the day relaxing together and enjoying labor. It was a great day. My contractions weren't close together so we kept my midwife updated by phone. That night I realized I had a fever (like with my first) so I kept an eye on it. Tuesday morning, still no real progression. We walked down to the Chinese food place near us and I got eggdrop soup. My fever continued to climb. It was now at 102.5. I was tired and exhausted. I hadn't sleep aside from a hours Monday night. Tuesday night I didn't sleep at all, and Wednesday morning I was in tears with exhaustion, and my fever was 103.3 when I called my midwife.

She told me she couldn't let me birth at home with a fever that high. I was devasted, but not surprised at this point. We drove for 1.5 hours in rush hour traffic while I had back labor, contractions about 5 minutes apart, to a hospital were my widwife knew there was a VBAC friendly OB. We checked in, and a surprisingly nice nurse took my vitals and seemed friendly enough, she just mused aloud several times about why anyone would go through so much trouble for a VBAC! The OB came in, who was have been very nice, but I have hearing trouble and he had a thick accent - I couldn't understand a word he said! My husband wound up "translating" for me. I think this offended him but I didn't know what else to do.

My fever when we got there was 103.5. I was 8 CM dialated. Two hours later, my fever was 104.4 and I was 6 CM dialated. I know, it makes no sense! I've never heard of this, before or since. The OB told me it meant something was very wrong (neither my husband or I could understand exactly what he meant) and he couldn't risk the baby being inside of me with a fever this high any longer. There would be brain damage. He said told us he had someone coming down with an epidural right now and he would have me on the table in 10 minutes. The epidural wouldn't take all the way and they had to redo it several times - the whole time I was shaking from crying so hard. This was not at all what was supposed to be happening.

On the table I was shaking so hard they had to tie my arms and legs to the table. Then I starting vomiting uncontrollably while they took out my baby. She didn't cry right away, but I was vomiting too much to even ask what was going on. They took her away to the NICU and my DH went with her, while I laid tied to the table, stomach open.

Afterwards she spent 3 days in the NICU, one of which I couldn't touch her or hold her. They were all hellish. We're still "on the look-out" for brain damage, at 14 months. She had lots of tremors for the first few months, but appears to be perfect now.

I had PPD. It was horrible. For the first 6 months post partum I didn't want to get out of bed, and I'd spend hours crying over nothing, or screaming at my babies. I really feel like it had everything to do with my pregnancy and birth. Now at 14 months, I feel much better. We do want another baby (or two) but I have no idea what to do. The task of planning another birth sounds so daunting. I just want to cry thinking about it. I just don't know how to "get over it" and heal.
post #54 of 321

so... what to we need to do to get that forum?

so many posts.... so little time....

(just including these quotes as more evidence that we DO NEED THAT FORUM!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by jwormsley View Post
Anyway, I'm still looking for ways to process what happened. Most people don't want to hear about it anymore and just want me to get over it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by minkajane View Post
I still feel bad about not standing up for my rights, not just going home to have him, etc. I know that I made the best decision I could with the information and circumstances I had, but it’s hard not to smack people that say “At least you have a healthy baby!” I’m planning on a UP/UC for all future babies, Goddess willing.

I also feel guilty just for feeling guilty! My surgery went well, DS and I are fine, I recovered quickly and easily. I feel like I have no right to feel bad about it. Doesn’t mean I don’t.
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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
I'd definitely be interested. I just can't read all the posts right now or post my traumatic birth (2000) because it's just a little too intense for me right now.

to all of you, though.
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Originally Posted by DBassett View Post
to all of you!! Hopefully we can all learn something from these bad experiences. In my case, I know my rights now and I won't be letting doctors push me around.
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Originally Posted by EyesOfTheWorld View Post
First of all huge hugs to all you ladies. It makes me so sad to think of what you've all been through! I too, was telling my husband the other night that I just need to talk to someone who's been through it. He tries, but he doesn't get it.


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Originally Posted by *HolisticMama* View Post
I think the birth challenges forum would be just wonderful. I had a disappointing (to say the least) birthing experience. Some of it was my fault, some not, but I'd just love a place where I could share my story without the worry that I'll be told I should just get over it. I was also told by many family members that my child was beautiful and healthy and that was all that was important. I was thrilled to have a beautiful healthy child, but that did nothing to help the horrors that happened to me in (and out) of the hospital because of the birth.

Also, I think that it would be nice if mamas could post even if their birth wasn't particularly traumatic. You can feel guilt and unhappiness about even the best of births, and I think its important to let everyone talk about it without the fear that they'll be told to shut up.

If it does become a forum I think there should be a rule that goes something like: No telling a mama that your birthing experience was worse than her birthing experience. All our feelings are valid, and nobody should be made to feel differently.

Negative birthing experiences don't just affect a woman for one day, they can affect her for years and births to come.

Anyhow, I'm looking for my birth story and the subsequent junk that happened once I got home. I'll post it when I find it!
great post, momma. my itals/purple.... YES THAT. i do think that is part of why the forum would be important. even for me, when i was first starting to look for places to talk about it, i was told to go to ppd. well, i didnt have ppd. just because i had a bad experience birthing (and with pg) doesnt mean i have ppd. i actually had a rather disgusting experience when a "friend" told me i DID have ppd. her reasoning? because i was upset about ds's birth. Um.... let me count the ways that is wrong and hurtful........ :

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Originally Posted by jennica View Post
This kind of thing really bothers me. And it goes both ways depending on who your talking too. Plenty of women have said, "well, did you get the epidural, no?, oh, well that's why you had a hard time." If a woman was raped, wouldn't you just say, "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" You wouldn't say, "well, were you dressed sexy?", "were you walking alone at night?", "were you carrying mace?". And then if the woman said, "well no, I wasn't carrying mace", would you then look at her with a nod of your head in a knowing way and say, "yeah, see, I carry mace, and that is why I have never been attacked. I have educated myself, and therefore I will never be attacked."

Give me a break. It can happen to anyone. Just because your supposedly educated, doesn't mean your immune to being assaulted. It doesn't mean your immune to making mistakes. It doesn't mean your immune to physical problems that go wrong with you or the baby. It doesn't mean you can control your birth experience anymore than anyone else. And you know what, Bradly or Lamaze or Hypnobabies ain't the answer to having a good birth. It works for some people and thats great, but there is no one right answer. There is no follow this plan exactly and you will get a good birth. You can do everything "right" and your experience can still suck.

Okay, end of rant.
i could SO have written this. hugs momma. i got really pissy about this not so long ago. i have half a dozen thoughts about it... i mean, on the one hand, people who are really attached to one way of doing something like to defend it by blaming our experiences on some tangible thing. on the other hand, a lot of people are discomforted by our upset, and want us to brush it off so that they dont have to feel our pain.

AGAIN-- i think this is something that makes having our whole own forum for this SO VITAL.

but that's me. :

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Originally Posted by Julie1014 View Post
Boy, do I need this thread right now! DS is almost 7 months old and I am still really struggling with feelings of inadequecy, etc. regarding his birth.

I felt, and still feel, like such a failure for how this all developed. Things happened in the hospital during my recovery that just compounded those feeling (I'll save that for another post). I keep thinking "if only". I think I would have an easier time with closure if we knew why I did not progress. DS had a very large head but no one said that he was stuck or anything.

We are beginning to discuss DC #2 and I am frankly unconvinced that I can have a VBAC. I have essentially lost all confidence in my body. I really need to work on these feeling and get it behind me before I become pg again because then it will just become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thank you for letting me tell my story. I've never put it all down in words before and I think that it help.
yes, yes, and yes.... i know what you mean-- about wishing you knew why, having no confidence in your body, etc.... i will share this-- my ds is almost 16 mo old, and only recently am i feeling really healed from it all. my story is linked somewhere in this thread, but here it is again, in case you want to read and see how i processed it all. it's different for everyone, but i think that if we all had more stories of healing to share, it could only help.....

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Originally Posted by tarajean56 View Post
Thank you for this thread! Just the past week, I was thinking, "how am I ever going to get over this?" My DS is 7.5 months old now. I told my DH, "I need to talk to someone who understands!" And here you are! I can relate to every single one of your stories in some way. Thank you for sharing them.

....

I need some help to get through all this. For me, I think its all the issues combined that made the whole experience traumatic. DS has done great, and I've been EPing for him - but next week he gets his palate repaired. I hope to breastfeed him, I think it could be a very healing thing for us.

I understand what some of you have mentioned about the fear. I desperately want a VBAC, but am so afraid that things will not go that way. I have lost all confidence in my body. I want to move on from this, but I don't know how. I need to talk about it, but friends and family are sick of hearing about it.

I also have had a hard time fitting in somewhere. I go to a mom's group at the birthing center, but I feel so inadequate because of the c-s and mostly because I bottle feed my baby. Yet, at least they get my pain about the loss of those things. I have the girls I know from my church and stuff - but they don't get it. The other day we were talking about births and I said something about c-s, and the girl says "oh yeah, I forgot - you are against c-s." Um...no. I am hurt by my experience. They don't get it.

One final thought to end this novel. I HATE when people say, "all that matters is a healthy baby." First of all, that is not all that matters. Giving birth is a huge moment in a woman's life and it does matter how she is treated, feels, etc. Also, I hated when people said this to me, because I felt like I didn't really have a healthy baby. I mean, he is doing great, but he will have 2 surgeries before he's one, has seen countless doctors, and has special feeding needs. It was just salt in the wound whenever people said this to me.

I hope this makes sense, I'm having a hard time articulating it, and it is surprising me how emotional I've gotten while writing it. Thank you for listening - it makes a world of difference.
oh, momma. huge huge huge hugs!!!! (purple mine).... the bold-- here, again. why we need that forum! why should we have to count on someone looking for and by chance finding this or the c-s thread? it should be EASY TO FIND and easy to get help for this... which i feel is one of the more important topics for women-- and one that seems to difficult to find "help" or "support" for... at least, judging from all our stories! itals-- yes. yes. yes. i linked my story above.... yeah. that's been one of the most difficult things for me.

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Originally Posted by EyesOfTheWorld View Post
I had PPD. It was horrible. For the first 6 months post partum I didn't want to get out of bed, and I'd spend hours crying over nothing, or screaming at my babies. I really feel like it had everything to do with my pregnancy and birth. Now at 14 months, I feel much better. We do want another baby (or two) but I have no idea what to do. The task of planning another birth sounds so daunting. I just want to cry thinking about it. I just don't know how to "get over it" and heal.
oh, momma. i am sending you huge hugs and healing vibes. 14/15 months seems to be a magic time..... "getting over it". yeah. i think that we dont ever really "get over it"... kwim? the pain eases... the memory becomes softer... but it will always be part of us. i think for me that when i started to think about how to encorporate this experience into my being... that's when i started healing better. i had to find a way to feel that Me was someone who was still ME, even though this thing had happened. dont know if that makes sense at all....... but.

post #55 of 321
I am so glad I found this thread. I want to add my story as well.
I found out last February that I was pregnant, and the sonogram showed I was about 18 weeks along!! Big shock. I had a ppt in November,but began bleeding heavily the next day,so I figured it was wrong or I had miscarried. I bled for 5-6 weeks.
A few weeks after the first sono,I got another,and it showed placenta previa. At that time,I wasn't really concerned,as the tech and lots of stuff I had read online (here as well) said they usually move,no big deal. I was put on pelvic rest,no heavy lifting,no sex,etc. At 27 weeks,I woke up one morning, and saw blood in the toilet. I thought my 12 year old dd had started her first period in the night! Then I discovered it was ME. We called the OB, who told us to go directly to the hospital. The bleeding soon stopped,but I stayed i nthe hospital for a week. A few weeks later,it happened again. Another 5 days in the hospital,although the bleeding slowed to small spotting as it did the first time w/in hours. I fought the OB to go home,as I was incredibly depressed & missing my family. I was sure it was "nothing",as I had read.
Had 2 more bleeds,but didn't report it to my OB, sure again it was nothing. I was on bedrest,but sometimes ventured out to the store or library,against doctor's orders. My marriage was on very shaky grounds,and I was so depressedthat at times I seriously considered putting my baby up for adoption,as I was certain we were headed for divorce.
On June 14th, I awoke to find my PC had crashed during the night . I was upset,as my only connection to the outside world had been severed. Later in the afternoon, I went to the bathroom for a BM, & discovered I was bleeding. "Oh no, here we go again!" certain I was in for another lengthy hospital stay,as I was 35 weeks along. I called my mom still on the toilet, then my husband's work, leaving a message for him to come right home. Then everything started to go black. I remember seeing the black & white checkerboard of my kitchen floor, & thinking I was going to die right there. I somehow grabbed the hone again, & called 911. I yelled for my 12 year old dd to help me, and somehow got to the loveseat. I remember my 4 year old's little face, w/ a red blanket tied around his neck like a cape, asking if I was OK ,& if he could go (to the hospitial) too. DH showed up, then I heard the ambulance siren. The tiny old man who was helping the gurney down the front steps sure didn't look strong enough to hold me!!
They wheeled me into the local hospital, where I did NOT want to have my baby, and started to take me to the OB floor,but then I heard them say to take me to the ER. They couldn't find the baby's heartbeat,& I couldn't feel him moving. All the other times I bled, I could feel him moving. Finally they found it,and his heart rate was 190. They told me I was getting a C/S, and I remember asking for my husband,then crying for my Dad. They cut my bra off, & I could feel the nurse dotting the line on my tummy w a pen where they'd do the incision. DH wasn't allowed in.
When I awoke, I was being given a blood transfusion. They said my baby was OK, but was under an oxygen hood. I finally got to see my little sweetie later that night. We named him Gavin Lee,and he was 6'11 & 20 inches, a good size for 35 weeks. I was MISERABLE from the C/S, never thought it would hurt so much! The dr that preformed the C/S came in, and told me they almost lost the both of us.The nusres were ignorant,and rude,was so happy to get out of there! We went home 3 days later. We fell instantly in love w/ him.
A few days later,he wasn't nursing as he should,and back at the hospital for a weigh-in,he was down to 5'8,and his biliruben was very high. They sent out a wallaby phototherapy blanket. Next day,we took him back to the hospital,and he had gained 3 oz & his bili had gone down . Sent us home. A few hours later,he wasn't eating,just laying there ,limp & lifeless. I was in a panic, called the hospital back, the nurse told me "He's just sleepy from the jaundice, keep trying to feed him. " I called my husband at his night job, said to come home,we were going to the ER. NOT the one where I delivered.
Took him to another hospital a 1/2 hr away, to the ER. Instantly, dozens of nurses & doctors jumped to action, it was like a nightmare. He stopped breathing, and I yelled at DH to get the kids out. They had to intibate him, as he kept having episodes of apnea. He was totally limp & lifeless. We called my parents,and my stepdad came & got the kids,and my MIL came too. All we could do is stand back, watch them work on him,and pray. It was the worse night of our lives, we came so close to losing him. They stabilized him started an IV in his tiny little forehead,and took him by ambulance to Children's Mercy in Kansas City. I rode along, scared to death. DH & MIL followed in her car.
At the PICU, he spent 3 days,and a MRI shoed damage in several parts of his little brain,from loss of oxygen,probably at birth. They told us they don't know the extent of the damage,may not show up for years to come. We stayed at a Ronald McDonald House by the hospital for a week,when he was finally sent home. The doctors told us they were "amazed" at the progress he made,after the first 3 days where it was pretty touch & go.
Now,he seems just like a normal baby. He is up to 8lbs 11 oz,as of yesterday's ped appt. He is more alert, and loves to snuggle. He already seems to recognize a few words,and his arms & legs are so STRONG!! Many,many prayers were said for him.
I can't help but to feel guilty, for not taking my condition more seriously. DH said he feels horribly guilty as well, as we fought so much during the pregnancy. The night in the ER will remain in my mind forever,I am sure. I know we have been given a second chance w/ our sweet baby.
post #56 of 321
to all of the mamas here.

I wanted to thank you moosemommy for taking the time to go through the thread to pull out the "evidence" for the need for a forum. It would be nice to have a place to go where you could not only tell your story, but also a place to go back to when things come up in every day life.

I know somedays I need to just talk to a group of people who "get it" about a friend who had a "perfect" birth, or someone who said something really insensitive. A forum specifically for this type of birth experience would be great.
post #57 of 321
what amazed me is how long this lingers. My son is 10 and I am still pissed about my traumatic birth experience. My OB didn't even show up, she sent one of her partners who apparently had not attended many (any?) births before. He didn't show up until the last minute. I had a near death experience and they ended up pulling ds out with forceps. Apparently my heart rate dropped/stopped and his bp dropped or vice versa, I don't really recall which, I just recall seeing him when it wasn't physically possible and later being told that everyone thought I was dead.

DS had nerve damage and a hole right by his eye from the forceps. If my ped had not caught it and started us on physical therapy ds would not have had full range of motion in his neck.

I had so much muscle damage from the forceps I had to have electric muscle stimulation therapy and then reconstructive surgery afterwards. I still don't feel 'right.'

It's so frustrating that so many women have safe home births, and I hear about women who have easy births all the time, yet I had all the modern conveniences and it was still awful and nearly cost both of us our lives.

I've never been able to figure out if it was age, bad luck, a bad doctor, or just a bad combination of circumstances.
post #58 of 321
Thread Starter 
Hi everyone, just got done reading all the new threads and decided to bump this. Anyone know how many posts or commentors we need before they will give us a forum?

to all the Mama's who have shared their stories. And to all the Mama's who would like to, but can't right now.
post #59 of 321
I've been doing some thinking because I've been dealing with depression. I really think that a traumatic birth experience leaves us very vulnerable to depression and then, in turn, the depression makes it very hard to view things in any kind of positive light. Because of the nature of the illness, we become self-critical and stuck in blaming ourselves. It just makes it that much harder to be able to get over a traumatic birth and the "what ifs".
post #60 of 321
Jennica, thanks for bumping this!

We've almost all said something about wanting to "get over" or "move on" from our birth experiences (that just saddens me to think that so many women feel that way about an experience that is supposed to be wonderful) but very few have said how they are moving on.

DH and I have been talking about this A LOT lately. We want to start trying for #2 next summer (we have fertility issues so that has added to my lack of confidence in my body) but I don't want to even think about that until I have come to terms with some of this baggage. I think if I don't, it will seriously impact my next birth experience.

One thing that is helping me is to discuss with DH the various points where things went "wrong" and then we talk about what we wished had happened, what could we have done to make it happen differently, and what can we do to help it happen in a more positive way the next time.

I know that things happen that we can't foresee but I feel like this is helping me to feel a little more in control of my body.

I would really like to hear how other women are coping.

Julie
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