disappointing, or traumatic birth experiences (and moving on from them) tribe - Page 5

[aweynsayl]

Originally Posted by JessasMilkMama

Ah, bless you all - this is the kind of thread I was looking for!

....

It just was not the birth I had envisioned. Now I am off to read the rest of this thread to see how other people deal with disappointments. Thanks for letting me unload.

I am glad you found it momma. huge hugs.

Originally Posted by Raio de Sol

I had an extremely traumatic c-section birth after laboring naturally (drug-free) for over 30 hours, and totally thinking I was gonna be able to deliver naturally. I just was not prepared for a c-section because I built so many expectations on how I, like most "natural mommas" out there, was gonna be able to do it naturally too. And I think this is where my trauma began: I just wasn't prepared for the Plan B, wasn't ok with the idea of a c-section, wasn't ok with meds, and ended up with a big ol' slap in the face as I needed all those things in the end.

I see here a lot of pregnant moms and their captions "future water birth", "future home birth", if only I could tell them that that's not always the case and that they might be in for a surprise! You never know how it's gonna go.

yes. i totally agree with you. i have written a bit about this in the c-s thread....

Originally Posted by rebasea

I am so glad you guys are doing this thread -
I love this quote:
~finding my goddess self.
.....
Last week during my message the scare tissue was movable for the 1st time and my whole body felt this rush of energy. My massuse said it was because the blood stagnates in the scare tissue...emotions of loss and regret have stagnated there too.

awww, thanks! and, wow. that makes so much sense!

Originally Posted by Raio de Sol

... I still think the natural parenting community needs to break some of these taboos regarding C's and also not being able to breastfeed - seems these two issues are regarded as a major failure on the mother's side most of the time ..... Anyway. We should start talking about those issues more in the natural parenting world. Preferable not so judgmentally...

again, yes. i totally agree with you. i have written a bit about this too in the c-s thread....

Originally Posted by hipmummy

I am so glad this thread started. Now I can share my birth story. First Iknow my story is not as nearly traumatic for me as some of the former stories are, but I still am having a hard time with it. I hesitate having another due to my inability to resolve this birth issue.

.... I just hope that I can come to a resolve with this and make peace with his birth.

oh, momma. huge hugs! i have heard the bonding thing being a problem for so many women. i think my traumatic birth therapist deals with this a lot. maybe you could find someone who does?

sending more hugs, mommas. :

[JessasMilkMama]

Originally Posted by jennica

JessasMilkMama,

I'm sorry about your bith experience and it's really sad how your midwife treated you.

I am interested in what you said about the placental abruption. How did they determine that you had this? I ask because I had horrifyingly painful contractions and when Ds was born I lost a gush of blood and they were all very concerned, and the midwife had me push the placenta out right then and then everything was fine. She said that my placenta had started to detach which caused the gush of blood. She never said the word abruption though, but I wonder, this would explain the horrible pain that most people just can't seem to understand.

They knew because the placenta was covered in clots - it had been detaching and then clotting inside. So all the bleeding was concealed.
It seems possible that your placenta could have been detaching early and that was causing the horrible contractions. I think a mother knows if something feels "off"

[weegift333]

thank you for this thread!

Hi,

I’m glad to have found this thread; it comes at a good time for me, as I am 7 weeks pregnant with our third child and dealing with lots of emotions about birth as I try to figure out what I'm going to do this time.

My first birth was a planned home birth with a direct entry MW. I interviewed three different MW’s and started with one only to switch to the DE MW in the end, b/c she said something about respecting the baby’s body and the mother’s body; her email address even began with “gentlehands”...

Hired a doula as well, who attended the last few prenatals, which were done in our home. We felt very comfortable with our choice and excited. The doula asked the MW during one visit whether she had any other clients who were birthing around the time of my due date. She said she had one in ALASKA, someone for whom she’d worked before, whose due date was a couple weeks from mine but she did not believe it would pose a problem b/c she thought I would be on time or early. We live in IL. THe doula commented that she still thought that sounded a little close.

I was six days past due date when labor began. We labored for hours before calling the MW and doula; I wanted the privacy. They showed up in the middle of the night and waited it out while I labored slowly. Finally she wanted to check me. 8 cm and “soft”, she said, and asked if I wanted her to break my waters. Before the word “NO!” came out (b/c we’d already discussed this), I felt her poke me and put her other hand to her mouth and say “whoops!”

I began laboring in water at that point. She asked if I wanted to push. I said I wasn’t feeling any urge. She told me to try pushing anyway. I started pushing. She said I was going to have to do better than that -- so I started grunting more and stuff, but my body wasn’t working with me b/c I wasn’t ready. This continued quite a while.

At some point, I started to feel my body transition to actual pushing stage, but I still wasn’t fully dilated so I was basically ramming my dd’s head repeatedly against a thick lipped, locked cervix. The midwife didn’t tell me what she was going to do next. I was standing, with my dh behind me to support, and she told me to push with the next contraction. Every time I did, up and in went her hand and arm and she started aggressively attempting to pry the cervix open the rest of the way. The pain of this far superceded the contractions and I nearly passed out. My voice was frozen in my throat and I couldn’t seem to get myself to kick her or scream or say stop.

No progress, and she told me to go to the bathroom, but I couldn’t. It was like my body was in shock or something. Plus, as the doula put it, my vaginal tissues were all hanging out of me like an orangatan’s butt, and she had never seen anything like it. I think she was intimidated or she might have questioned more. When my dh came in to the bathroom to find me in the shower, trying to will myself to pee, he said that he heard the MW talking and saying I’d have to go to the hospital if I couldn’t go to the bathroom, b/c she didn’t know how to do a catheter. I desperately told my dh to tell her I had urinated, even though I hadn’t. He started to cry b/c he was scared for me. So I said fine, I’ll go to the hospital. I got out of the bathroom and the midwife was gone. The doula noticed her hurriedly packing her stuff up and she helped the MW bring it to her car, thinking the MW was packing to leave for the hospital with us, AS PROMISED repeatedly in the prenatals. She just sped off.

Off we go to the hospital, with a very scared doula. I’m checked and at 9 cm with a lip, and the nurses have trouble finding where to put the catheter in b/c of the MW’s rape-like handiwork. I’m prepped for a section; they won’t let me continue to labor. I’m shaking so hard from exhaustion and anxiety that I can barely sign my name on the consent form, which breaks my dh’s heart to watch.

My daughter was born healthy, apgars of 9 and 9. Breastfeeding is easily established, I’m numb from the waist down in the recovery room, watching the doula hold my baby. I see my dh on his cell phone and he and the doula are talking, debating where the MW is, figuring she must have been scared, or why wouldn’t she see the birth through, as she promised, as we had paid her to do? (that’s another thing; my dh paid her a few months before the birth -- $1400 -- )

He reaches someone at the MW’s house, who says she isn’t there -- she’s on a plane to Alaska!! So the water breaking, telling me to push without full dilatation or the urge, trying to manually force the cervix back -- all maneuvers to speed me along b/c I was taking way too long and she had a plane to catch. If she'd just told us there was a conflict, we could have gone to the hospital and probably had a vaginal birth from the start.

It was stunning, the abandonment I felt, the betrayal, the breech of trust, not to mention the physical violation, which I later processed in professional counseling as sexual abuse. I had vaginismus for several months after the birth b/c of of the trauma, and so couldn’t have sex, which was an intimacy and connection that I desperately needed after the whole ordeal. I felt like a thing. Not female, not male, not woman, not even “real mother”. It was like I went through the whole nine months and 30+ hours of labor and then skipped a step and suddenly someone plopped a baby in my arms. Very bewildering and surreal and disorienting. The experience seemed to unlock some issues from my early childhood that further challenged me in my physical, emotional and mental recovery. I just kept crying and apologizing to my infant dd for putting her through it all.

We wrote the midwife in a very calm and professional manner, explaining the areas in which she failed to hold up her end of the deal. We requested a refund in full or we would seek legal action. She wrote back and refuted everything -- everything. My dh was so incensed by the letter (which he was reading while driving) that he had to pull over until he could calm down.

For my second birth, I could not bring myself to go into anyone’s office for prenatal care. I did my own prenatal care, I studied everything I could get my hands on and prepared for UC.

Again, a grueling 30+ hour labor, and then the pushing stage, but the pushing urges didn’t feel good like my first dd, they were unbearably painful. I felt like a horse being sexually tortured or something. It was very unreal. I kept trying though. At one point I felt my baby’s head with my finger, which is so much farther than with my first dd that it gave me hope. But the pushing stage rolled on, with incredibly painful but not very effective contractions. Whenever I pushed I began to see not clear fluid or blood but what looked like meconium. After a while of this, I checked in with myself: did I sense that this needed medical attention or was it was just my fear/exhaustion and I should push on. I knew they would cut me open if I went, so I felt a little like a sacrificial lamb, but I could not deny the sense I had that something was not right.

C-section with the on-call OB who was absolutely horrific. He chased my friend down the hall thinking she was our MW, and the following day when he came in to my room to check on the incision site, my dh had gone to breakfast, and wasn’t there. The doctor ripped the bandage off so quickly and roughly that it took some skin with it (think when you get a burn and you have raw skin there that stings to be touched, stings just being exposed to air.) My dh informed the nursing staff that he was not to enter our room again.

My second dd was born healthy though they pumped about 1.5 cups of meconium from her tummy. She did not aspirate any of it, thankfully.

Looking back to that, though I did get a second section, in some ways I feel like I had a UC anyway. I took myself healthfully through pregnancy and labor, I educated myself and prepared myself, I took responsibility for it. And I made the call if/when to transfer to the hospital for attention. I listened to my heart and my gut through the whole nine months and beyond, to that crucial point in labor. Nobody put their hands on me or in me, nobody used scare tactics against me.

But I do feel like I have some blocks psychologically or something that creates such long, drawn-out labors. And I mourned greatly over the loss -- again -- of a much dreamed for, planned for, and hoped for healing vaginal home birth. I did hypbirth cd’s with both pregnancies, but it didn’t seem to do much for me. I meditate regularly now, and may seek out the assistance of my meditation mentor for possibly some hypnosis sessions to see if I can dislodge whatever those blocks may be.

Sorry for the length of this; I have gained a lot from reading others’ stories and experiences here; most importantly, perhaps, that I am not alone and that what we take from our birth experiences can sometimes play a significant role in our lives as mothers. Thank you so much for starting this thread.

weegift333

ABC, born 03/03/03; IRC, born 03/18/06; baby #3, due 03/24/08

[tarajean56]

Originally Posted by weegift333

Hi,

The experience seemed to unlock some issues from my early childhood that further challenged me in my physical, emotional and mental recovery.

I'm in professional counseling right now to work through the issues surrounding DS's birth, his health issues and the loss of breastfeeding - and I'm finding this to be true for me as well.

I'm so sorry to hear about your violating and traumatic experience.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I truley hope you are able to find some peace with your decisions regarding this little blessing's arrival.

[aweynsayl]

Originally Posted by weegift333

I meditate regularly now, and may seek out the assistance of my meditation mentor for possibly some hypnosis sessions to see if I can dislodge whatever those blocks may be.
......
I have gained a lot from reading others’ stories and experiences here; most importantly, perhaps, that I am not alone and that what we take from our birth experiences can sometimes play a significant role in our lives as mothers. Thank you so much for starting this thread.

I hope you can find something! I know chakra meditations helped me heal. But def trust your gut on that. Keep us posted! and, congrats on the pregnancy!

I am learning so much too. Our experiences with pregnancy and birth can be so powerful... and yet, finding help/sharing/info, for those of us who find ourselves in some way troubled by our experiences... seems so challenging. I just keep wondering why that is.

[rebasea]

Therapy

I worked with an EMDR therapist ( when my son was 18 months), processing the surgical aspects of the birth and that horrible moment when he was 2 days old when they told me that they were taking my son to the NICU because they suspected spinal menigitis. He didn't have it, but we did practice attachment parenting in the NICU, having a 24 hour rotation with me, my wife and our mothers for 7 days.
The counselor and I worked on these stories until I felt I had my power back, that I could not change the details, but that it was not my fault and I could move forward. Remember Trauma memories are laid down deeper in our brains because of the hormones being released when we are scared. Thats way they are so hard to processes.
Take care,
R

[weegift333]

Interesting...I'm glad EMDR worked well for you. I have not had success with it under the guidance of a therapist, and I was doing that through most of my second pregnancy, and some again more recently. Meditation practice has done more to begin to dislodge some things in my brain and body's memory than any therapy I've tried so far. I've even occasionally combined meditation and holding a thought lightly in my mind and then moving my eyes back and forth (while they're closed) during the meditation; this has yielded some interesting and surprising connections / results. You can do a similar thing in a moving meditation, looking from left to right while walking. Apparently that is sort of how EMDR was developed (from someone taking a walk and sorting through some personal problems and looking to one side and the other, and having breakthroughs.)

I agree, though, we do carry things very deeply and sometimes it is our body's responses that is all we have, if we cannot remember things because our brains are sort of running interference and protecting us from knowledge that we may not be ready to assimilate yet.

weegift

[Jeanne D'Arc]

Hello mommies.

Basically i should have not had a baby, because i was already kinda sick. And we all know that a sick body does not handle pregnancy nor birth well, or efficiently.

Basically had awful problems with severe morning sickness, panic attacks, arrhythmias and exacerbated neuropathy. I felt like literally killing myself all throughout pregnancy as awful as that sounds.

I knew my birth would be bad. Don't ask me how i just knew it.

32 hour labor ( which i think was very much influenced by my supine position ) i did the first 20 w/o any pain meds. ( i know! )

Became ceserean after two days of no sleep and i was still pushing...i was so exhausted i started to black out. They went to cut into me and i could feel it. I think i screamed they told me to shut up , i was freaking out and scared ( of course ! ) They injected me with something and everything went white...i thought i had died.

I woke up w/ a racing heart rate well above 100, i drunkenly asked why , no answer...kept falling in and out of sleep. They showed my my daughter but i was so heavily sedated i didnt really notice her. They put her on my breast and i dozed off again. I woke up , my heart was racing faster.

I found out that because of my prolonged labor my uterus had trouble contracting back down and i lost alot of blood because of it. I almost lost enough to require an emergency blood transfusion. They were really pushing for one but the though of having another persons blood in me really freaked me out. I said no, id do it myself. I had alot of trouble sleeping that night because of the palpitations and the fact that id been up two days in labor w/o any sleep.(sleep deprivation gives me insomnia)

I developed really high fevers, and slight pneumonia. Did my best to breast feed her part time, but i was so sick . Fevers kept going for a bout a week and i was held there until they went away, they had me on 24/7 IV triple-antibiotic therapy to combat septicemia. I cried every night in the hospital, and i was scared.

When i was finally Stayed with my parents and about a week into that i developed Chronic Fatigue, which seriously scared me at first ( not being able to move from exhaustion )i continued to have low grade fevers, and was also given antibiotics i was allergic to. I also battled strange symptoms, and severe insomnia from time to time. The fatigue and the insomnia were the worst. But the doctors just told me i was depressed and that it was in my head. No one would listen to me. it was absolute hell!

About two weeks in i was in the bathroom and a rotten chunk of flesh fell out of my vagina, not completely but it was hanging there. I started to freak out. My husband came in and i called the ER they had no idea what it could be. We went there and i waited about 2 hours with that thing hanging out of me. Finally we got a room and the doctor explained i may have a prolapsed uterus, and that it could be surgically repaired, at this time i started crying, i just couldnt handle anymore, i was so sick i was unable to care for my newborn baby girl and it tore me up inside, and now i was going to have my uterus surgically repaired??

However he lifted up my gown and i could see the look on his and the nurses face...it was definitely NOT my uterus. The nurse began shaking her head in dismay "...that is not supposed to be there " she said.

The surgeon had failed to remove a thick 9 inch, infected chunk of placenta. And it had been poisoning my body...and the 24/7 antibiotics had wiped out all of my good internal flora. I still believe this was the instigator of my now chronic condition with which i still suffer. I do not know if i will ever fully recover from it. I have alot of anger inside me.

I feel robbed of the important bonding that takes place after birth, and the first few weeks of her life. She rarely saw me. She saw my mom. The first year after her birth she was raised by my mom. I started to take over more after that time but i still have times that i need her to take my daughter because i am sick with one thing or another. I am angry at the surgeon , i am angry at the staff for allowing my birth to become so complicated.

I am angry that we were so poor, that we couldnt afford a midwife. I feel that i probably wouldnt be sick llike this nor, went through all that hell had i had a MW.

Sadly i cannot take any of this back.
I just pray to god he will give me my health back someday, and perhaps have a healthy experience with pregnancy and child birth.

[Jeanne D'Arc]

I do want to ask the mammas though...

My daughter went into fetal distress...i beleive i was also
on pitocin ...which caused me to have very painful very
violent contractions...

is this what possibly caused her distress?

[rebasea]

All of these stories just remind me that the process can go so wrong. But still my 3 1/2 y/o c-sec/nicu/formula kid is normal, healthy and thriving. And I am an honest woman about birth and raising kids to my friends. It's just really hard even when everything goes right and if everything goes wrong - it's a lifetime of "what if's and why me?". I had 2 post-csec uterine infections - I was on antibiotics all the time, pumping and tossing ( and crying) while my son had formula , trying to keep my supply up. So many horrible moments in those first 6 months of his life.
It's funny watching my friends have kids now and seeing that my experience was sooo much more complicated. I often tell my self, " G-d gave me this birth because she knew I could handle it". One more badge from the hard knocks club. I know now how fragile our bodies are and am haunted that 100 years ago I would have died in the process. I'm trying to live my life like I'm supposed to be here, doing good work in the world. I have developed this whole series of guided meditations/coloring sheets, based on the images and colors of the chakras, for healing for a manuscript I'm creating. And it all comes from this. How do you heal the pieces to become whole after things go so wrong.

[Photochef]

I need this info so much. I posted my story, which received a few supportive responses that I am grateful for, but I would love a dedicated space to be easily located by anyone who may have found herself in the same situation. This is an invaluable resource that I needed so badly. I think if it was easier to find, the help and tips and support from others would grow very quickly.

[Kama82]

Hi, I posted my story in the c section support thread. I just wanted to say I would like to join and I like the idea of a Birth Challenges forum. Talking about my experience and reading about others experiences have been very healing for me. I do still struggle a great deal with the whole issue though.
When I read things like this I can't help but wonder, how do things go so wrong? Where is the disconnect in our medical system that doctors and nurses quit treating patients like humans and instead just treat them like tasks to be completed. I think this must be related to how overworked medical professionals are as well as the way they are educated. I think doctors are encourage to keep their distance (emontionally) from patients to preserve their own sanity. I think this ultimately causes the inhumane treatment that so many people recieve in the hospital.

[aweynsayl]

hugs, mommas!

Originally Posted by weegift333

I've even occasionally combined meditation and holding a thought lightly in my mind and then moving my eyes back and forth (while they're closed) during the meditation; this has yielded some interesting and surprising connections / results.

wow. this is cool. i have to try that. i agree, meditation has been very helpful for me!

Originally Posted by Briseis_of.Troy

is this what possibly caused her distress?

oh, momma. huge hugs for you. i'm afraid i have no idea. maybe someone in the birthing professionals forum could help?

Originally Posted by rebasea

I'm trying to live my life like I'm supposed to be here, doing good work in the world. I have developed this whole series of guided meditations/coloring sheets, based on the images and colors of the chakras, for healing for a manuscript I'm creating. And it all comes from this. How do you heal the pieces to become whole after things go so wrong.

yes! i wrote about this in my story, too. i would love to see your work! sounds like it is much needed.

Originally Posted by rowantreeinak

This is an invaluable resource that I needed so badly. I think if it was easier to find, the help and tips and support from others would grow very quickly.

Originally Posted by Kama82

I just wanted to say I would like to join and I like the idea of a Birth Challenges forum. Talking about my experience and reading about others experiences have been very healing for me.

mommas, i am so glad you find this thread helpful. (and the c-s one-- hi, kama! ) but, just so you know, we've been asked not to discuss a forum in this thread. there was a post a bit back saying it's against the user agreement.

any suggestions for how to be more effective in this/these thread/s?

[naturalthinker]

I too would really appreciate a traumatic birth forum. Page five of this thread and i don't know that I'll get advice from anyone else's experience in relation to mine. As I'm facing another delivery in 2 months, I've experienced a lot of anxiety and am still searching for resolution and solution to my upcoming labor.

My trauma is the direct result of the birth of my first child, but fortunately, i don't feel like I've had 'bad' labors - just horrible horrible chronic pain, depression, anxiety from an injury sustained during delivery, and this is affecting my decision about how to proceed with this birth. A HUGE part of me just wants to check-out and have a c-section under general anesthesia so i don't even have to contemplate the 'birth process'.

My story is essentially this:
Baby 1: at hospital with highly-regarded OB who was totally comfortable with my decision to have a non-medicated birth. Unfortunately, she was doing paperwork while the baby was crowning and as a result of the delivery, i sustained a tear that went anterior up past the clitoris and dissected my labia. i was sewn-up at the time, but the labia was not re-attached to my perineum, it was just 'closed up'. The OB closed her practice and moved to CA 6 weeks pp.

Left without OB care, i had 2 unsuccessful re-attachment surgeries from a new/different OB before learning that there were gynecological surgeons. Once i found one at an area hospital, i went through another unsuccessful surgery with the gynecological surgeon before he referred me to a plastic surgeon. 5 surgeries total addressing this tear over a year and a half, and in addition to the pain of surgery, was the constant chronic pain of a labia that would tear away from the perineum just a little bit more with any physical activity.

Surgery with the plastic surgeon did not completely resolve my issue, though it made it manageable enough to try to have child two. I got pregnant, and had child two in a birth center water birth where my perineum got the support it needed, but went through excruciating pain as the baby's passage broke scar tissue away from sub-dermal layers. After the birth, the painful scar(s) were actually better since it was no longer restricted and pulling on surrounding tissues, however i still had the dangling labia that was a constant pain/irritation with any activity. wearing jeans, biking, etc was not an option all this time.

I found another gynecological surgeon, top-rated in the area and she was willing to attempt to fix the labia once and for all, but alas, another failure and the labia was still detached (it was predominantly stitch failure that made the last 3 surgeries unsuccessful). three months later, she attempted again, in surgery #7 and ultimately cut away the labia and offending tissue, which at this point had been so damaged by so many attempts to fix it.

the result of this 7th surgery, which again ran into healing issues with broken stitches, i have a deeper, larger, more painful scar where the labia once used to be. It was pretty bad having baby #2 break up the first scar, and i am horrified and afraid of the pain that will come with passing child #3 through a 'ring of fire' made up of 40% non-elastic scar tissue.

There are moments i am convinced that i really really really seriously want a general anesthesia given to me so i can have a c-section and wake up to the baby safe and sound in my husband's arms. Intuition is saying don't have any needles put into my spine for a spinal or epidural and I've regretted not listening to my intuition before, hence the desire for general. (my natural labors have been too quick for spinal and epidural intervention and I'm not keen on being 'induced' just so there is time for the medication to work... )

I am really grasping at what my options are for pain management and not able to get a lot of help from my midwives since they are not NP and cannot/do not administer medications.

I am interested in reading through the c-section thread because at this point, I'm not convinced a c-section is the greater of two evils... I just don't know where to turn to for advice and information. With the first, i had the luxury of time to research research research - which is why i was convinced natural was the best way to go - but watching two and dealing with this anxiety has not afforded me the same luxury this time around. I can't remember why i was so convinced natural was the best way to go the first time, and i didn't have this problematic scar to deal with then...

[pianojazzgirl]

I belong here too!

Sorry I don't have time to post my whole birth experience right now or read through everyone else's (though I will be back later!). I just wanted to say that I totally fit in here. I had a very traumatic birth experience with dd that I'm still working through almost 3 years later. I fully support the idea of a subforum devoted to helping mamas talk about and work through their birth trauma!

[stacyann21]

My midwife turned out to be an evil b****. She yelled at me when I didn't want to labor a certain way in the tub, forced me to push on the toilet when I didn't feel like it and coached me into pushing unnaturally (I ended up with a third degree tear). She punched me in the uterus after the delivery (uterine "massage"), which I specifically asked her not to beforehand. I honestly think it was because I refused to recieve an injection of Pitocin before delivering the placenta, which was standard at that birth center. She also put antibacterial gel into my son's eyes when I said not to in my birthplan. I had 10 stitches and the recovery from hell. I thought if I had a natural, drug-free birth I would have an easier recovery. It was a terrible shock to me. My DB did everything for our baby the first few weeks as I couldn't even sit on my bottom and I cried every time I peed. I had ppd and trouble with breastfeeding too.


That feels better :

[naturalthinker]

Originally Posted by stacyann21

My midwife turned out to be an evil b****. She yelled at me when I didn't want to labor a certain way in the tub, forced me to push on the toilet when I didn't feel like it and coached me into pushing unnaturally (I ended up with a third degree tear). She punched me in the uterus after the delivery (uterine "massage"), which I specifically asked her not to beforehand. I honestly think it was because I refused to recieve an injection of Pitocin before delivering the placenta, which was standard at that birth center. She also put antibacterial gel into my son's eyes when I said not to in my birthplan. I had 10 stitches and the recovery from hell. I thought if I had a natural, drug-free birth I would have an easier recovery. It was a terrible shock to me. My DB did everything for our baby the first few weeks as I couldn't even sit on my bottom and I cried every time I peed. I had ppd and trouble with breastfeeding too.


That feels better :

This sounds like the epitome of a perfect nightmare. I'm sorry you went through that; i hope you find healing.

[naturalthinker]

I guess i'm not done on commenting on this thread - perhaps i won't be for a while yet. I'm taking advantage of the "and moving on from" phrase of the thread title in hopes that writing out a little more will help me to move on to a more healed body and mind.

First, Moosemommy: Thank you for putting so much positive energy into that thread. Your comments are very insightful, positive and really helped me process thoughts that i have been running away from - and I'm most likely not the only one you've had this helpful and healing effect on.

Since posting my comment I've made myself step into that 'forbidden zone' of remembering and in doing so I'm remembering that there's a lot of pain and suffering I've blocked out - like the kind that explains why i have HUGE scars on both my nipples from latch issues with #1. In just 5 short days after delivery, i had creators where my nipples had painfully split into multiple 'sections' each that resulted in my needing to pump for a month and a half while i healed before allowing the baby to latch on again. I allow myself to forget about it because i was able to overcome that challenge and nurse my baby until she self-weaned nearly two years later. The scars on my nipples are visual reminders of that time, but since that trauma completely healed and didn't prevent me from continuing to nurse #1 or #2, and there is no residual pain, it is not an experience i carry with me on a daily basis. But there was a lot of pain and suffering at the time.

I forgot the HUGE anxiety and fear i went through when i had an IUD inserted when #2 was 3.5 months old. We, baby and i were doing well, no latch issues as i had with the first (and if i had those issues, would have been equipped to deal with it having learned from experience). By that time, i was up to 5 surgeries and was uncomfortable with the IUD on an intuitive level, but based on my many hours of research, reading the technical papers for physicians, study results, etc., I came to the intellectual conclusion that an IUD was the best option for me at that time.

On the day of the 'proceedure' the very caring and compassionate NP, who understood the trauma i had already undergone regarding my genetaila, attempted to insert the IUD but my anxiety and fears were connected to my cervix and she couldn't insert the IUD without the use of a special hook that, though she had training and competency to use, didn't use it for philosophical grounds. She was willing to referr me to a clinic in Seattle that could do it, but there was no way i was going to get as far as that table only to be referred to another unknown place to have this done, it was either that day and then or not at all (which i did keep open as an option). I asked the 'assistants' in the room who were there to comfort and distract me to be quite so i could go within myself, calm my fears and anxiety and relax to allow the proceduregenitaliareferprocedure to go forward.

The NP, bless her, was willing to let me try, she was willing to give it another shot herself (and happened to have an extra sterile kit 'just for such a need'). I went within myself, relaxed, the cervix relaxed and the IUD went in without any resistance. The NP was astonished as in her words 'the cervix is not a voluntary muscle, i didn't think it would go in so easily like it did!' Little did i know that my body would react to the 'non-interfering' low dose localized hormone as it did, which in addition to leading to food allergies and general ill-health, also dried up my lactation completely within a month and a half, despite encouraged 'extra nursing' and extra nutritional and herbal supports. I did everything 'right' and still found myself faced with having to feed my 4 month old formula. I ultimately had the IUD removed 3.5 months later due to the other effects it was having on my health. The large supply of baby bottles i have are a visual reminder of that time, but since my daughter is a bright happy little girl it is an experience i do not carry with me on a daily basis. But there was a lot of pain and suffering at the time.

Forgetting what i write above is a form of disassociation. Disassociation is a great coping mechanism, but i guess it only lasts for a certain time before the issues forgotten about need to be reckoned with.

Surgery # 7 was on my 31st birthday. God, i have a history of pretty bad birthdays; this day wasn't the worst - at least i had an "I'm still 30" party the week before. Knowing the surgery was coming i looked at it as a time to celebrate moving on. During the surgery, the offending flesh, the labia, was removed completely. It was no longer there to be a problem with every movement, step, etc. There would be a scar, but at least i could walk, run, ride a bike (for a little while at least) and wear jeans again. There was a lot of pain and suffering up until this time, but finally after the surgical wound healed, including its continued complications, this too could finally be put behind me and i could move on and heal.

I really do feel that i have not blamed or associated these traumas to the birth of my first two children - although i know the trauma has had a large impact on them. The traumas have robbed me and them of many many an occasion of painless joy and contentment.

There are still moments of acute scar pain that have lasted up to two days - a reminder for that time only that there was such trauma. Otherwise i didn't carry the pain and experience with me on a daily basis - that is until i realized i was pregnant again and would have to get the baby out somehow. This especially anticipated little boy in me will need to pass through my biggest trauma. I fear the pain, but even more, i fear associating the pain with him.

I think i am, at this point, set on anticipating a home birth, but i know the only way to alleviate and work through my fears is if i fully investigate all my options so i know i will ultimately make the best choice i can. I would like to meet with a couple of OBs in special consultation where they may be able to provide more insight and options than i am currently unaware of (or assure me that i know what there is to know).

Right now i know in my gut i need to prepare for all outcomes of labor - best case scenario in my bathroom at home to worst case emergency c-s, just as i prepared for the other two births. There is a great opportunity for healing with either method and i just need to be prepared to accept that any and all outcomes will ultimately be the right journey that i need to take.

[aweynsayl]

Oh, momma. first of all, <sniff> i'm so glad that anything i say has an impact. second, huge huge hugs, and thank you for your honest posts. i hope you continue to share with us, as you continue this journey!

[aweynsayl]

hey mommas, just wanted to post and let you subscribers know, i'm changing my user name. it's partly a treat to myself for reaching 1,000 posts! weeehew!!! and partly, it's a step in my healing journey.... anyhow. i am not trying to confuse anyone... i'll post once it's done,so you'll know who "moosemommy" is now!
hugs!

eta: well, there ya go! :-)