Am I being selfish ?????

[peps]

Hey guys and girls,

My DP and I have been talking about starting a family in a near futur. But here is my problem:

We moved to another provice (B-C) 1 1/2 years ago due to my job transfer. My DP quit her job and followed me (on her own choice). Now, I got news that we will transfer back to our home province (QC) this year.

My DP think we should take that opportunity (her not working) to start a family, but even if I am making a good salary, I personally think we should wait for her to get a job and be able to get maternity leave. That way she will already be in the job market and be able to return to work without any trouble. Also I think she needs financial independance.

I don't believe a man should be the only $$$ provider. I want to be able to make a good living and provide my kids with what they want (without spoiling them).

Am i being selfish ?????

[Ersbett]

Does your DP want to be a SAHM?

DH is the only money provider in our home, and we provide the kids for what they want, without spoiling to much either.

So IMO yes, you're being selfish, but if she wants to get a job, it's fine let her do it.

[FiddleMama]

It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a serious discussion because this is something that it is absolutely imperative that you be in agreement on, no matter what outcome you agree on. You have to both be on the same page.

Good for you that you are discussing this now rather than when the baby is on the way or here already.

[Rockies5]

Originally Posted by FiddleMama

.
Good for you that you are discussing this now rather than when the baby is on the way or here already.

Yeah, you two would need to calirfy what you see for your family and future. If she's taking babies, she may not be thinking about daycare and a return to work...esp. if it was your idea that she quit her job to follow your last position for whatever amt of time that was.

[Momtwice]

Sometime staying home is more affordable than working outside it. If I had not stayed home with my children, I would have LOST money because the money in the field I was working in did not cover nice clothes for work, commuting costs, increased use of expensive convenience/take out foods, etc.

Is it true that she gets mandated one year leave in Canada? Sounds like heaven. Here is the USA 6 weeks is not unusual. There's no way I could have worked outside the home 6 weeks after my c section although some moms bounce back from birth quicker.

And it can take 6 weeks or more to get breastfeeding problems worked out, if there are issues complicating things. Breastfeeding is not only much cheaper than formula, but it also tends to result in fewer ilnesses and therefore fewer medical expenses,

although again maybe in Canada the medical care is more affordable. But there is still the issue of missed work days for the parent caring for the sick child.

Sometimes breastfeeding goes smoothly; I don't want to imply that there's always trouble.

I don't think you're selfish. I think the two of you should have a good heart to heart talk. Or several of them.

You don't mention if you plan to marry or stay long-term with your partner, or not. This is also something that should be discussed in my humble opinion (and perhaps the two of you already have.)

Something to keep in mind: what will bring you joy? What will bring HER joy? Is your vision of a joyful future in sync with her vision? She may find tremendous joy at the thought of staying home with children. I know I find a lot of joy staying home with mine.

[MamaAidan]

I go along with MamaTwice that you have to make a decision that will make you both happy. You also need to determine what is financially feasible... daycare is expensive! So perhaps the way to think about it isn't who SHOULD be the provider of cash, but you need to look at her staying home with a baby (if she chooses to) as contributing to the household in another form. My DH and I struggled with this, since we could not afford childcare for me to work on my dissertation (I am a PhD student). I at first hated not bringing in any income, and eventually got a part-time job to help pay for childcare. I've found that my perfect situation would be to work 4 days per week, my husband work 4 days per week, and we each take the kids for a day with them in daycare 3 days. I think we can get there within a year.

But also keep in mind that once the baby here, even if your DP has decided to work, she may change her mind, or vice versa.

[SecretlyStern]

Out of curiosity and just for interest, if you don't believe that the man should be the only money maker, do you also believe that the woman shouldn't be the only care provider? In my house DH was happy to have me staying home with the kids (which didn't acutally work for me) but he expected that I would do every bit of the traditional SAHM stuff. He spent, literally, 2 hours a day even in the same proximity as the children and much of that time was not spent parenting. When I got a part-time job for personal reasons (sanity), I was still expected to be responsible for all childcare costs (he said the babysitting came out of MY paycheck instead of it coming out of OUR paychecks) and all the same home responsibilities. I KNOW this doesn't sound reasonable on paper--but be careful! He's a pretty darn reasonable guy in most regards. This is an emotional thing, though, and he didn't feel like he was asking for anything unreasonable. It was a complete incompatibility that we didn't foresee.

If you expect her to work (and that's ok with her) then expect to be 100% responsible for care of the children, right? If you're both 100% responsible then you'll take better care of each other, too.

[LionTigerBear]

You haven't really stated your dp's reasoning, just some of yours.

So without hearing both sides of the story, and from where I stand, I would say your reasons seem shallow and materialistic, but I realize there is a lot I'm not seeing, so I reserve judgement.

Also, this may not be a popular opinion, but I could never be separated from my babies, and I think it is cruel to make a mother leave her small child with another caregiver if she doesn't want to.

It does seem like you are sending her the message, "this is how much you are worth to me" and that worth has a finite pricetag. Again, I'm sure there's more to the situation than that. I'm just saying that's what it looks like.

But I will say, you and her need to talk about your priorities and values and agree to some common values and goals before you have children.

For my husband and I, our family's quality of life comes first, and that means me being a SAHM. I add so much more to our family life at home than I do working. Just one example: I love cooking and my husband feels very loved when I cook my special time-intensive meals for him. This is a pleasure we would both have to sacrifice if I worked. Another example: we have more time as a family when we only have to plan around one work schedule.

But then again, our values are very non-material. Even if (when) we are wealthy someday we will never live like it. Our dream is to be able to help many others in need. That's what makes us happy. You need to decide what YOUR values are, and make sure you two are on the same page.

[anarchamama]

As a fellow canuck I know where you are coming frmo with the leave, with our first 2 we scheduled to maximize leave. OTOH I got preggo with ds1 while not working, got a crappy job just long enough to get my benifits. And we are thinking of #3 (I am home full time now) and I want DH to take the full year so we can both be home togehter. Sure we will be living on a shoestring but it will be soooo nice and really why not take advantage of the $$$?

OTOH I think if your partner wants to work then she should BUT to imply that staying home is not working/earning $$$$ is just silly. I stay home, DH works (mostly becuase he makes more money and I BF) but DH couldn't work if I didn't stay home KWIM? My labour allows him to work so I feel liek the money he earns is just as much mine as his. Just becuae our economy devalues women's work doesen't mean it's not wrk.

If you are common law then you are legally equal shareholders in the family assets so security for her is not an issue. So the idea that she needs to make $$$$ is silly. Have you offered to stay home and take the EI if you think she should work?

[BuddhaBuddy]

Anyone who thinks a SAHM isn't "earning her keep" needs to make a list of what she does all day long, then price out how much it would cost to replace her. THAT is how much money she makes staying at home, and you would be AMAZED at how much it adds up to.

[JustOneMore]

My DH felt very similar when I expressed an interest in being a SAHM when we decided to have our boys. We talked alot about it and he understood finally how important it was to me to have that special time with our kids. He appreciated that *I* wanted to be the one caring for our kids so that we could take comfort in knowing that it was being done the right way (ie: our way) and not at the discretion of strangers in a child care facility.

The first couple years were hard on both of us for various reasons but now its almost 7 yrs later and he has SUCH an enormous amount of pride in being the sole financial provider that I would think carefully before taking that title from him now. He truly appreciates the sacrifice on my part and he LOVES that Im free to just go and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. If he gets off early during the week, he doesnt have to worry about my work schedule if we want to load the kids up and do something fun as a family.

Financially, we're careful. We're very frugal... but the rewards from me staying home arent something you can really put a pricetag on.

hope that helps.

[Rigama]

Originally Posted by peps

Hey guys and girls,

My DP and I have been talking about starting a family in a near futur. But here is my problem:

We moved to another provice (B-C) 1 1/2 years ago due to my job transfer. My DP quit her job and followed me (on her own choice). Now, I got news that we will transfer back to our home province (QC) this year.

My DP think we should take that opportunity (her not working) to start a family, but even if I am making a good salary, I personally think we should wait for her to get a job and be able to get maternity leave. That way she will already be in the job market and be able to return to work without any trouble. Also I think she needs financial independance.

I don't believe a man should be the only $$$ provider. I want to be able to make a good living and provide my kids with what they want (without spoiling them).Am i being selfish ?????

Bolding mine.

I agree with everyone else who said you and your dp need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what each of you sees as your vision of the future and your desires for your family. I'm hearing about your desires, but absolutely none of what hers are, so it's really hard to be tell if you're being "selfish" or not.

First of all, I don't think it's YOUR place to decide if a woman needs financial independance. For many couples it is understood that the income that is earned by the "breadwinner" is just as much the SAH parent's. My own marriage has plenty of issues, but one thing that I know is that while I may not be the breadwinner, I have every right to go out and buy myself a new shirt or a coffee if I need to. I consider myself financially independant in the sense that I do not rely on extended family to support me. Also, my being home is what allows dh to do his job the way he needs to. We save money by my being home.

And of course, there is what has already been mentioned: It's not always financially profitable to go back to work. Between the childcare, new clothes (for work) gas, lunches, convience foods, sick/personal days due to staying home with a sick kid (who will be more sick in a day care setting), dr. visits, teacher gifts et cetera ad infinitum...

Another thing to consider is this: IF your dp feels like she MAY like to be a SAHM, now would be a good time to start your family because it is sooooo easy to get sucked into the 2 income trap. You can be amazed at how good your life quality can be on one income, if it's set up that way from the beginning. Sure you can both go back to work and get a nice big house that your future children can play in, save for the fact that you or they don't have the opportunity to since you and your dp have to take them to daycare so you can make the mortgage payments. If you live within the means of one income, however, if she decides she wants or needs to go back to work, then that will be a bonus. That income can be used for vacations or, better yet, saved.

These are just my thoughts on the matter. Again, though, this is a conversation you need to have with her before she gets pregnant. Good for you for looking into this and being willing to hear other sides. Please, though, hear your dp's side.

[Tata]

Personaly, I'd ask the question of myself - am I ready to help bring a new person into the world just to put them into daycare? Or, am I willing to make the commitment to be with them and have my partner be with them as much as possible. That means one of us may not be working and we're going to be poorer.

[TirzhaZ]

I haven't read all the posts because I want to remain as objective as possible in my response. So, I'll reply first and read the others after! I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think these things have to be talked about BEFORE bringing a baby into the world. For DH and I it made more sense for me to go back to work, but that doesn't make the most sense for everyone. I think it's smart for you to want to wait for her to have a job that would allow her to be eligible for maternity leave before becoming preggo. That way you can test the waters of her being a SAHM, but if it isn't what is best for your family she will have the option of going back to work without having to do the much dreaded job hunt. For some families it makes much more sense economically for the mom to stay home due to th cost of commuting, daycare, eating out, etc. Do a test run now if it helps. Have her start working just for now and put all of her paycheck into savings and live only on yours to see if you can afford it. Just for the record, though, being a SAHM is hard work, so she wouldn't really be jobless. And if she does go back to work, you have to be willing to take on some of the childcare at the end of the day. It's a careful balancing act, so it's good that you're trying to figure it all out now. Just do what is best for your family and know that you can always change your mind if it ends up not working out....Good luck!

[KimProbable]

Originally Posted by peps

I don't believe a man should be the only $$$ provider. I want to be able to make a good living and provide my kids with what they want (without spoiling them).

Am i being selfish ?????

I think this is something the two of you need to figure out before even thinking about having kids. My DH and I have always been on the same page about me being a SAHM. If he'd ever expected me to go to work and put them in daycare, we would have been in for some HUGE problems.

I have so much respect for my DH for being our sole income. I grew up in a household where my dad was the provider and it's become a very central part of a man's role to me. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to stay home with our children and I thank DH for working so hard for us. Not that I don't work hard on my part, but I think it's important to recognize the sacrifices he's made to take care of his family.

There are couples who both agree to a different set-up (both work PT and share childcare, both work FT and use daycare, etc.) but the biggest thing is that you need to agree on what you're doing. And not a superficial "Ok, fine. We'll do it your way so this won't be an argument" but a true agreement. If your DP agrees to work she'll be giving up something she seems to feel strongly about. If she stays home, you'll be giving up a second income and things might get tight sometimes.

I can see the benefits of her working long enough to earn mat leave. I got mat leave (it was only about 8 months back then) with DS and it was wonderful to have the extra money coming in. With DD I'd planned to earn mat leave and not return to work once it was up, but my job disappeared on me once I was pregnant.

[Sea_Guy]

Originally Posted by peps

...That way she will already be in the job market and be able to return to work without any trouble. Also I think she needs financial independance.

I don't believe a man should be the only $$$ provider. I want to be able to make a good living and provide my kids with what they want (without spoiling them).

Am i being selfish ?????

Well, my answer to your questions has a few angles, and perhaps some things you should discuss. What is her perspective on you being the sole provider? Why do you think that you should not be the only $$ provider? Why does she need to be financially independent? Being able to provide your kids with what they want/need is something that any good dad wants, I understand that completely! That said, what if your kids want their mom at home more than the newest fad toy? As a kid, my mom had times she worked outside of our home, and others when she was a SAHM. I prefer the memories of having her at home.

I do agree with the other poster(s) who have stated that you really should be on the same page regarding SAHMs before you have children. If you aren't, where will that conflict lead?

If your DP wants to be a SAHM and you are unwilling to financially support your family alone to allow her to flourish in the mothering aspect of her nature, then, IMO, yes: you're selfish.

If your DP wants to be a SAHM for a short time and then return to the workplace, perhaps your desire for her to find a job now is not so selfish or unreasonable. Perhaps you should find out why she doesn't want to find a job now. It's a pretty crucial matter in parenting and in your relationship. If you are unwilling to bend on how you envision her future, then yes, you're selfish. This involves you, deeply, but it is not your life you've really posted about: it's hers. If you are willing to bend, then perhaps you're not selfish after all.

Really, the questions that should be asked are really of how you both envision family life, and how your two visions can be melded without anyone losing something they find vital in happy family life.

Good luck!

[alllyssa]

If you and your wife have different values as far as how your children will be raise and by whom, then you definitely need to have a serious talk. Your opinion of your wife "needing" to be financially independent and your expectation that she would be returning to work would be, frankly, a deal breaker for me. I would consider divorce before we brought any children into a marriage where their father thought day care was just as good, or even benificial, so that mom could bring in a paycheck too.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Just my $.02,

[Irish]

This was a recent decision for us as well and my own DH had some similar concerns. When discussing children hypothetically before getting the point of TTC I made it clear that, if possible, I would love to be a SAHM. I had been home with my first for 4 years (his step-daughter) and had returned to the workforce when she started school. We have lived a very financially comfortable existence for some time and it was a struggle to start imagining losing out on some of the luxuries and conveniences we had come to enjoy. I was, for a large part of our eight year relationship, earning more than him although that has changed in the past two years. We are very lucky to have the paid maternity leave time that we do have, and to respond to a PP - we have a public health care system in Canada including covered midwifery care.

I think important things to consider are:
-the maximum you can receive from EI for maternity/parental leave is $718 every two weeks
-any top-up received from your employer (I work for the fed gov and my salary is topped up to 93%) would have to be paid back if you didn't return to work after the year long mat/parental leave
-the cost of working: we need two cars as my work is not in a convenient public transit route, gas and insurance for both vehicles, daycare runs between $800-$1600 per month depending on which type you choose, clothes, packed lunches, and this doesn't factor in the time that you lose with your LO, and the time you lose to scheduling (driving to and from daycare, laying out clothes, packing bags, preparing food for yourselves and LO, etc etc)

I feel very lucky as I'm able to take up to five years unpaid after my maternity leave is up and still have a job at my level to return to and we have decided to take advantage of this. My DH became much more supportive of the idea once our DD arrived, it was unfathomable to him (as it has always been to me) to leave her for such extended periods of time with someone else. Know that whatever decision or ideas you might have now may get tossed out the window when you're baby is actually here.

My time and energy is best served in the home right now. I once heard someone say that you can 'have it all' just not all at the same time. Because she decides to be a SAHM it doesn't mean that there isn't time or opportunity for her to have a successful career at another point in time. I couldn't have, however, been a SAHM without DH respecting that it is much more of a contribution, and infinitely more work for me to be at home than his going to work every day. We still share parenting equally when we're both home and he contributes much more to household upkeep etc than he did before the baby. DD naps for only up to an hour and a half during the time he's at work so my time is spent taking care of her needs which are infinite - I'm lucky to have a 12 year old or we'd have difficulty fitting in time to shower! I am also the one to get up every 2-3 hours throughout the night and get about 5-6 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period if I'm lucky.

It's easy to see what you lose from a financial standpoint by giving up her source of income but perhaps you should spend some time thinking about what you lose with her working, financially and otherwise...to us there was no comparison.

Good luck with your decision!

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by peps

I don't believe a man should be the only $$$ provider. I want to be able to make a good living and provide my kids with what they want (without spoiling them).

Am i being selfish ?????

what if they want a stay at home mom? i can't imagine any cute outfits or toys that would be more valuable for a child than having an attentive loving mom with them.

[Irish]

Originally Posted by lilyka

what if they want a stay at home mom? i can't imagine any cute outfits or toys that would be more valuable for a child than having an attentive loving mom with them.

:

I was just coming back to add that 'things' are important to the parents, not the children. Children want your time, not your money. I know many families who get by on very little with wonderful, happy children and at least as many families who are able to indulge who's children are miserable....'Quality time' doesn't apply to children, they want 'quantity time'.

Out of curiousity, did you mother stay home with you? Your wife's?