suicide and what to say? - Page 2

[Emilie]

Doesn't matter.
She is and was her mom. That isn't a distinction for you or anyone else to make- only her.
Hugs mama.
Em

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by Emilie

Doesn't matter.
She is and was her mom. That isn't a distinction for you or anyone else to make- only her.
Hugs mama.
Em

Yeah I don't want to go off topic of the thread but I have to agree. I grew up with a Mother that
had mental illness, and I was cared for mostly by other's and my father. She was still my "Mom"
and even if she had passed, and my Dad had remarried, she would have continued to be my
"Mom". Adoption by a step parent doesn't usually create a replacement in a child's heart, even if
the parent is flawed, and has passed on.

If it were me I would be calling her "My step daughters Mother". As bio mother usually implies
that the mother gave her child up for adoption.

[bigeyes]

update

Well, so far so good. the counselor agreed with dh that it was too soon to tell her the details, and after speaking to all of us he saw her alone. Our next visit will be a little time with me, a little time with her, and a little time with both of us. Now that we've made the first visit, he said it's fine if dh doesn't come, which is good since he works all the time anyway.

So, for now I'm working on watching how I speak to both of our kids, and I have already noticed a huge change. When you're irritated with someone it's really hard to keep the annoyance or sarcasm out of your voice, but it isn't too hard if you consciously think before speaking.

We can't go for 2 weeks, since the therapist is going on vacation, but it's a start. We've always acknowledged her mom, there are 'photos on our family photo wall' and I helped her make a scrapbook about 'mommy.' Right now she makes the distinction between mommy and mom. We don't like the phrases 'step son' and 'step daughter,' so we just say son and daughter.

I would never try to eradicate her memory, I'm mainly concerned with some of the dysfunctional behaviors dd witnessed at an early age. I didn't have this trouble with my ds, but dealing with dd has really shown me how many things from my childhood have not been dealt with. I guess conflict brings that stuff out. Right now we're working on compromise and treating each other with respect. With any luck everything else will fall into place if we continue with counseling and remember to use respect instead of sarcasm and pouting.

[Sisyphus]

My main concern for you, would be that one of those relatives who told her "it was the doc's fault" would also tell her it was suicide without your knowledge or consent.

I've seen that happen and it's NOT pretty... so, while I can agree with the therapist that it's probably best to work on other stuff first, and tell her later... maybe you and dh can come up with a plan to prevent the rellies from telling her?

Hugs to you and to her... this sounds like such a difficult situation.

[bigeyes]

Yikes!I would bet money the aunts did say stuff in front of her. If they're so stupid they'd tell a 6 year old their father had an affair (which he did NOT) I'm sure they've said other things in front of her, too.

I'll mention that privately to the doc next visit and let him handle it.