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I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore

post #1 of 90
4/19/07 at 2:55pm
Thread Starter 
Unfortunately, I have found no website which supports men the way this website supports women. So, even though I am a man, I hope to have some feedback on my situation. Thirteen years ago I met a girl via a blind date. Throughout our relationship I never really felt love, but just felt comfortable. I just thought things were meant to be between this woman and I even though I never truly believed she was my true love. In June 2000, we got married. About 3 months before we got married, I cheated on her. It was a very rough time. She was devastated at what I had done. I expressed at the time how I did not want to get married, but I gave in to the pressure. I was getting pressured by her, her family, and my family to get married. She forgave me for what I did and we moved on. While living with my parents for the first few months, she expressed to me that we needed privacy and needed to get our own place. I wanted us to to save mor emoney, but she really was pushing for the house. So I gave in again. We bought a house and about 2 months later she tells me that her parents are coming to stay with us for a few months. I said ok even though the whole purpose for us getting the house was for our privacy. The first year it was 2 months, the next year, it was 4 months, the next year it was 8 months. After the second year, i knew the reason why she rushed me to get a house and I think you do as well. It did not bother too much, but I kinda felt used. Anyway, in 2003, we had a baby boy. I never felt so alive. My son now is my world. In 2004, while her parents were staying with us, her father had a stroke. They are now staying with us permanently. I don't totally mind they are staying with us, but everyday I don't feel like going home to see these people. Sometimes I feel God put me on this earth to be the key they needed. My money goes to pay mortgage, utlities, car, food, and everything else. Now, don't get me wrong, my wife does everything for me. She cooks, cleans, washes my clothes, and is a great mother, but for some reason none of it appeals to me much. Earlier this year, I met women at my job. She is great. I feel so good around her. I wish wasn't married so I could be with her. I have not cheated on my wife. As long as I wear my wedding ring, I respect that i am married. To be honest, I do not feel that i have the ability to love a woman. I love my wife for being the mother to my son, but that's it. I go home everyday pretending I am in love with her. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I know it would be devasting to her to get a divorce. It would kill her. Plus, she would make my life a living hell. I want so much to be happy, but to the to extent where it would crush her. I sit at my desk everyday wishing i wasn't married. I feel dead. My life is dead. It hurts me so much that i'm married. I don't want to hear about getting marriage counselling. I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.
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post #2 of 90
4/19/07 at 3:01pm
You are depressed. I can tell because I've been there too. Even if you don't want to go to individual or marriage counseling I suggest that you see your regular doctor and tell him/her about these feelings. Would you be open to medication? Or maybe some lifestyle changes such as regular excercise?
post #3 of 90
4/19/07 at 3:13pm
I think you need to ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be coerced and coaxed into so many things you were reluctant to do.
post #4 of 90
4/19/07 at 3:15pm
Thread Starter 
I don't think I need medical attention. I do feel like I am living 2 lives. A life at home of pretending to be happy and a life away from where I am not pretending at all. I always picture in my head what my life would be like if I was not married. I am not a party person. I just want to go to work, go home, be with my son, and do things I have always wanted to do. I am just looking for freedom from marriage, because I definitely don't have it being married.
post #5 of 90
4/19/07 at 3:20pm
I'd highly recommend talking to a therapist.

And beware the coworker-the grass always looks greener when things aren't going so well at home.
post #6 of 90
4/19/07 at 3:47pm
Wow, you sound so wrung out. I am sorry you are feeling so unhappy and so trapped. The first thing I would suggest is couple's counselling and maybe personal counseling too. There may well be a chance for you to be happy being married to your wife if you are willing to work on it and she is too. It might not work, but the alternative according to your post is severely hurting her and your life being made a living hell.

I am in my second marriage now. I have 2 kids from my first and they spend half their time with my ex... I cannot tell you how horrible it has been not to tuck them in every night, only half, or how excruciating it is to have to watch my ex decide on a very punative way of child-rearing... and NOT have any input, and NOT be there when a few a soft words from me might spare them his anger or frustration. Those type of things are my only regrets from leaving an unhappy marriage, but they are pretty hard to deal with, even more so for my sons.

I hope you find your way through this to a place you can all be happy.
post #7 of 90
4/19/07 at 3:53pm
Thread Starter 
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.
post #8 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.
I would ask for a divorce... you deserve to be happy and your wife deserves to be with someone who truly IS in love with her...

I'm not saying that to cast you in a bad light... quite the opposite.. good for you for knowing how you feel, and for being willing to do something about it. Most men would just sleep around (heck, even most women would too)

If you TRULY aren't in love with your wife and you don't think there is anything that can change that, then you owe it to both of you to end it now, before the resentment and animosity gets so strong you begin to hate each other.
post #9 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:04pm
Thread Starter 
"And beware the coworker-the grass always looks greener when things aren't going so well at home."

I can tell you the co-worker has been my only support. Yes, i know people will think I am doing this because of the co-worker, but I can honestly say I am not. I just want to be happy and being married is not making me happy. I do not feel I was ever meant to be married...I don't know if i have the ability to be married or to be in love. I don't think my wife will ever understand that and I don't expect her to.
post #10 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:07pm
I suggest figuring out if you can hang in there for another couple of years until your son is in school full time. At that time, you can decide whether you want to remain in the marriage or not. If you split up now, your wife would probably have to go to work, and your son would be in day care. Your relationship with your wife sounds pleasant enough, albeit dull, and it sounds like you love your son more than anything.
If you can't imagine sticking with the current situation for that long, then you should separate. This would be traumatic for everyone, especially your ds.

Personally, I know how much it would bother me to be in a passionless relationship, and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life like that, either. Taking on an extramarital relationship would just be crazy, and could possible effect future custody arrangements. Don't do it. Put that energy into your relationship with your wife. It sounds like you two haven't really had a chance to be together.

You said that you want to come home and be with your son and do the things you always wanted to do. Why don't you? You are not your relationship, you are you.
Invite your wife to join you. Bring home supper for her parents, and ask her to pack a picnic for the three of you and go throw a frisbee around or something.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you find a way that works for you and your family.
post #11 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:12pm
There's an active forum (like this one) that can provide support (from both men and women) in a situation like this at http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It was very helpful for me during a very difficult time. Good luck.
post #12 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:13pm
Thread Starter 
I would love to be honest with her because she deserves it, but i know how crushed she would be because of this. I already know she would want to sell the house and take my son away. She has told me in past that she would if I ever cheated or wanted out. My wife and I are both 30yrs of age. I know she will feel that starting a new life would be too much for her. I've known her for 13 years. I know how she is. It will not be a pretty situation if I was honest with her. It will so horrible, that I don't think i want to do it even if I won't be happy for the rest of my life.
post #13 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:13pm
I'm glad you found MDC and I hope you find some support.

But, you asked for thoughts and opinions. (These are mine. Please take with a grain of salt)

Based soley on your posts...and your unwillingness to seek counseling....it sound like you are at a crossroads. I mean, do you intend to carry on this charade for the next 15-20 years?

To me, it sound like you have some issues with accountability. Unless you were drugged or married at gunpoint, how exactly were you "coaxed?" It sounds like it's time to be honest with your wife and give her a chance to react. And, interesting that you bring up another woman. (the co-worker) According to you, eventually the same thing would happen. You would date, she would want a committment and you would feel trapped.

Why are you so dismissive of counseling? It appears you have issues with committment, accountability, honesty etc...Why not be open to learning about your authentic self and how it fits into the life you have now, or want to have in the future? If you've not tried it, I'm surprised your judgement is so harsh. If you've had counseling in the past that didn't help...you need to find a therapist who does.

Best wishes for you to find yourself and your happiness.
post #14 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:23pm
You got yourself in this situation by being dishonest.

Do you actually think that continuing the dishonesty will help you in any way? Have you not figured out yet that your dishonesty is destructive?

You went with things because you didn't want to hurt anyone. At any point in time, you could have had the confrontation and ended things at that point. Rather than do that, though, you drug things out, drug things out, drug things out.

Now you're going to hurt her worse than if you'd been honest to begin with.

If you keep going, and keep going because "I don't want to hurt her," then at some point, you are going to hurt her even worse.

Every time you put off doign what you KNOW is right (being honest), you make the situation worse.

You lied about being in love. You lied about wanting to stay with her. You lied about not minding her parents staying for a while. You lied about not minding her parents living with you.

How many more lies are you going to tell? Just how far are you going to let this go? How bad does it have to be before it's okay to "hurt her"? When she'll end up suicidal? Can't do it until then? Can't do it until her dad dies so it can be "dad died and hubby left me, too"?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but you really need to realize that there will NEVER be a time in the future where it will hurt her LESS than it would today.

You've allowed yourself to be emotionally coerced into a great many things you didn't want to do. It has caused you nothing but trouble.

So why do you keep allowing it?
post #15 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:35pm
My brother just left his ex-wife (they divorced 2 years ago and she convinced him to try and reconcile) of 14 years. He was here visiting last weekend and he is more alive than he's been for 14 years. He is happy for the first time in 14 years.

Everyone deserves happiness. I'm not a proponent of staying together for the kids. I don't think growing up with miserable parents is any more healthy than growing up as a child of divorce.
post #16 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:38pm
[QUOTE=UmmBnB;7897662]My brother just left his ex-wife (they divorced 2 years ago and she convinced him to try and reconcile) of 14 years. He was here visiting last weekend and he is more alive than he's been for 14 years. He is happy for the first time in 14 years.

Everyone deserves happiness. I'm not a proponent of staying together for the kids. I don't think growing up with miserable parents is any more healthy than growing up as a child of divorce.[/QUOTE]

Yeah to the bolded part.

1. She could sell the house, true... but she could NOT take your child away from you

2. Being in daycare would be far less damaging to your son then living in a loveless home, and if anyone thinks a child can't pick up on that they're wrong.
post #17 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:40pm
I agree with Amris.

If you are this unhappy, you should get out. You deserve, she deserves it, and your son deserves it.

Although I definitely do think that once you have kids you should try to work things out if at all possible, I definitely do NOT believe in "staying together for the kids".

Also, sure, your wife may have to work and your son may go into a daycare if you divorce. But you know what? That really isn't such a bad thing. Most kids love daycare.

I don't think waiting is the answer. If you know, in your heart, what you need to do, then do it. If you don't know, then therapy is a good option (it isn't just for people who want to hurt themselves or others) as it is an objective source helping you to look at life in a different light.

Good luck.

FWIW, I second the warning about the co-worker. There is no better, only different (as in, all relationships have their problems).
post #18 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:48pm
Thread Starter 
I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.
post #19 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.
Then don't complain... if thats what you choose then make the best of it...

But for the record, there is no way to live like this forever, and your wife is going to be a lot more pissed once you've wasted 23 years instead of just 13...
post #20 of 90
4/19/07 at 4:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.
I wasn't suggesting you were going to harm yourself or someone else-I suggested therapy as a means of understanding how and where to find happiness and fulfillment. Looking outside ourselves and hoping to find happiness in a relationship, a job, etc. can be a slippery slope. A therapist can help you discern appropriate actions to take (obviously doing something drastic like having an affair or quickly getting a divorce might create pain, hurt and regret) that will help you be happier. Believe me, I've been there before (21 years ago) and felt all the things you describe, not to mention having a confidante at work. I created a LOT of pain for myself and others by acting impusively and looking for happiness outside myself. Good luck to you.

Anyway-I see you're thinking you have no choice but to live with your circumstance. I say you can take steps to improve them.
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