Originally Posted by yips123
I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.
You know, you really need to stop it.
You CAN be honest with her.
You WON'T be honest with her.
Stop saying "I can't" when that's just another lie in a long line of lies. You CAN.
You actively CHOOSE not to, REGARDLESS of the fact that you will, in the end, destroy her life because you CHOSE to continue to LIE.
If you WON'T be honest with her, at least stop lying to yourself. I won't let you lie to me and to the people here.
Saying you can't is a lie. You simply choose not to be honest with her.
You choose a life without integrity. Which is your right to do, but at least be honest about it somewhere and with someone.
Every day that you lie to her again will bring you lower and lower. Your self esteem will dwindle because you are 1. A liar, 2. Weak, 3. Lacking in compassion towards her.
These behaviors and actions create self-loathing. Self-loathing leads to addictive behaviors. Addictive behaviors lead to abusive behaviors.
This is the life you have to look forward to if you stay on this road you have chosen. Think about it.
And then start being honest with yourself, "I could end this now when it will hurt everyone a lot less. But I CHOOSE NOT TO because I am too weak to be honest and face the consequences of my lies."
Now, that being said, I know how you feel from the front of not wanting to hurt someone. But you not doing this for her. You are doing it for you. You don't want to face the consequence of being honest. So you lie, thinking that there are less consequences for that.
This is an illusion, and one day, when you are standing over your son, in a towering rage, with a bottle of booze in your hand... and you suddenly realize what you're doing, and wonder how you got there... you'll realize that you are hurting her and your son horribly, terribly, wretchedly. And you have no one to blame but yourself.
On the bright side, you can always buy another bottle of booze to drown out the painful realization.
For a few hours, at least.
And by the way, no one ever thinks they could end up doing that sort of thing. EVER.
But the path you're on is EXACTLY the path that a huge number of alcoholics have travelled.
I recommend you find a new path, immediately. I recommend that you man up, take responsibility for your lies, and do the right thing for everyone involved. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a place one day, that you can't even imagine right now.
So filled with self-loathing and rage that you find yourself hurting others.
What will you do then? You will look back and say, "I should have taken responsibility for this a long time ago."
Perpetuating a lie so you can avoid facing consequences, is not taking responsibility. You are just telling yourself that so that you can get out of actually facing these consequences.
You are telling yourself lies so that you can continue to hide from the adult responsibility of being honest at last.