I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore - Page 2

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by yips123

I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.

In the future, label these type of posts as "Vent." That way, people know you are just getting your feelings out and not looking for helpful suggestions. It's frustrating when perfect strangers take the time to consider your situation and offer suggestions, when that's not what you want.

You "hate" when people suggest something that they have found tremendous help from. Yet, you're not happy with your life.

You made your bed.....

[Amris]

Originally Posted by yips123

I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.

You know, you really need to stop it.

You CAN be honest with her.

You WON'T be honest with her.

Stop saying "I can't" when that's just another lie in a long line of lies. You CAN.

You actively CHOOSE not to, REGARDLESS of the fact that you will, in the end, destroy her life because you CHOSE to continue to LIE.

If you WON'T be honest with her, at least stop lying to yourself. I won't let you lie to me and to the people here.

Saying you can't is a lie. You simply choose not to be honest with her.

You choose a life without integrity. Which is your right to do, but at least be honest about it somewhere and with someone.

Every day that you lie to her again will bring you lower and lower. Your self esteem will dwindle because you are 1. A liar, 2. Weak, 3. Lacking in compassion towards her.

These behaviors and actions create self-loathing. Self-loathing leads to addictive behaviors. Addictive behaviors lead to abusive behaviors.

This is the life you have to look forward to if you stay on this road you have chosen. Think about it.

And then start being honest with yourself, "I could end this now when it will hurt everyone a lot less. But I CHOOSE NOT TO because I am too weak to be honest and face the consequences of my lies."

Now, that being said, I know how you feel from the front of not wanting to hurt someone. But you not doing this for her. You are doing it for you. You don't want to face the consequence of being honest. So you lie, thinking that there are less consequences for that.

This is an illusion, and one day, when you are standing over your son, in a towering rage, with a bottle of booze in your hand... and you suddenly realize what you're doing, and wonder how you got there... you'll realize that you are hurting her and your son horribly, terribly, wretchedly. And you have no one to blame but yourself.

On the bright side, you can always buy another bottle of booze to drown out the painful realization.

For a few hours, at least.

And by the way, no one ever thinks they could end up doing that sort of thing. EVER.

But the path you're on is EXACTLY the path that a huge number of alcoholics have travelled.

I recommend you find a new path, immediately. I recommend that you man up, take responsibility for your lies, and do the right thing for everyone involved. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a place one day, that you can't even imagine right now.

So filled with self-loathing and rage that you find yourself hurting others.

What will you do then? You will look back and say, "I should have taken responsibility for this a long time ago."

Perpetuating a lie so you can avoid facing consequences, is not taking responsibility. You are just telling yourself that so that you can get out of actually facing these consequences.

You are telling yourself lies so that you can continue to hide from the adult responsibility of being honest at last.

[dillonandmarasmom]

Originally Posted by yips123

Unfortunately, I have found no website which supports men the way this website supports women. So, even though I am a man, I hope to have some feedback on my situation. Thirteen years ago I met a girl via a blind date. Throughout our relationship I never really felt love, but just felt comfortable. I just thought things were meant to be between this woman and I even though I never truly believed she was my true love. In June 2000, we got married. About 3 months before we got married, I cheated on her. It was a very rough time. She was devastated at what I had done. I expressed at the time how I did not want to get married, but I gave in to the pressure. I was getting pressured by her, her family, and my family to get married. She forgave me for what I did and we moved on. While living with my parents for the first few months, she expressed to me that we needed privacy and needed to get our own place. I wanted us to to save mor emoney, but she really was pushing for the house. So I gave in again. We bought a house and about 2 months later she tells me that her parents are coming to stay with us for a few months. I said ok even though the whole purpose for us getting the house was for our privacy. The first year it was 2 months, the next year, it was 4 months, the next year it was 8 months. After the second year, i knew the reason why she rushed me to get a house and I think you do as well. It did not bother too much, but I kinda felt used. Anyway, in 2003, we had a baby boy. I never felt so alive. My son now is my world. In 2004, while her parents were staying with us, her father had a stroke. They are now staying with us permanently. I don't totally mind they are staying with us, but everyday I don't feel like going home to see these people. Sometimes I feel God put me on this earth to be the key they needed. My money goes to pay mortgage, utlities, car, food, and everything else. Now, don't get me wrong, my wife does everything for me. She cooks, cleans, washes my clothes, and is a great mother, but for some reason none of it appeals to me much. Earlier this year, I met women at my job. She is great. I feel so good around her. I wish wasn't married so I could be with her. I have not cheated on my wife. As long as I wear my wedding ring, I respect that i am married. To be honest, I do not feel that i have the ability to love a woman. I love my wife for being the mother to my son, but that's it. I go home everyday pretending I am in love with her. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I know it would be devasting to her to get a divorce. It would kill her. Plus, she would make my life a living hell. I want so much to be happy, but to the to extent where it would crush her. I sit at my desk everyday wishing i wasn't married. I feel dead. My life is dead. It hurts me so much that i'm married. I don't want to hear about getting marriage counselling. I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.

Please understand that I have never been in your shoes regarding marriage, but I have felt many of those similar feelings. I have had those thoughts during three different episodes of depression. I suffer from cyclical depression brought on by stress and exhaustion. It can definitely develop just as easily by living a web of lies, as you are.
You shared some pretty tell-tale phrases of depression. Sure, you assume you will be happy outside of this marriage. Truth be told, there is no magic solution.
I do agree that what you created and are continuing is very detrimental to everyone involved.
FME, you would defintiely benefit from a visit to a doctor. You can express these feelings, request a simple written, multiple choice test, answer it honestly, and discover whether you truly are depressed. If you are not, it will solidify that. If you are, it can be very eye-opening.
I won't press the counseling. Youa re obviously not interested. And, to be honest, it can be a very uncomfortable journey to find one you feel good about. Counselors come in all shapes and sizes, good and bad...
You are absolutely at a crossroad...now make a move.

[grisandole]

Moving to parents as partners

Oops, moving back to PG so the OP can read!

[Nickarolaberry]

Hmmm.

I agree with some of the previous posters. You are certainly living a lie, and it isn't fair to anyone.

However, I disagree with the premise that "happiness" is the end-all and be-all of relationships and should be what you strive for at all times. Obviously, noone wants to be unhappy. Everyone wants to feel "in love" with their partner. But those kind of feelings are, at best, elusive. Being "in love" and "in passion" and "happy" are feelings that wax and wane with how life is going at any given moment. Passion and the feeling of being "in love" tend to temper over time into something more deep and meaningful -- certainly that passion and love is there but the urgency of it as we experienced at the dawn of a relationship usually dissipates somewhat.

The key isn't looking to someone else to find happiness. The key is being honest with yourself about what you really want in life and how you need to go about achieving it. If you don't see your marital relationship as one which can be fulfilling and meaningful over the long haul, then you need to examine what kind of love relationship *would* and what that relationship would look like. Not just what the other person would look like/do/be like -- but how the relationship would work between you, and what YOU would put into it.

You can't be "happy" -- or maybe a better term would be content or deeply satisfied -- with someone else until you are at peace with yourself in a real way. That means being honest with yourself about your own accountability, behavior, and responsibilities. I don't really understand your resistance to therapy as it would be a way of finding out some of these issues with an objective party, but then again maybe I do. Because if honesty is a problem for you -- and it looks like it really is and has been for a very long time -- then the naked honesty upon which real therapy depends would be exceedingly uncomfortable for you. Maybe you're frightened of that. And if you are, even getting out of your marriage isn't going to help you much. You'll just be right back where you started and liable to make exactly the same mistakes.

And in the process you will have torn apart several lives.

So before you decide on a course of action WRT your marriage, maybe you should figure out what it is you really want, and start digging a bit into yourself so that you can rebuild a sense of self that is healthy, accountable, and honest about how you should live your life.

[meowee]

Originally Posted by yips123

Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work.

Don't you see how passive aggressive that is? If you didn't want to get married, you are the one responsible for not getting married. To cheat so she will break up with you is absolutely the wrong way to get out of a marriage/ relationship. It sounds to me like you are blaming everyone but yourself, yet you are too afraid of change to get out of a situation you have nothing but complaints about. And again the fact that you won't leave is your wife's fault (in your eyes), not yours-- "she would make your life a living hell" so you can't leave. You seem unwiling to recognize that you got yourself into this situation and you are the only one keeping yourself there.

[gottaknit]

Just a couple of thoughts:

You've been a couple for 13 years, and you are 30 years old? You've spent your entire adult lives with the same person and that's all you know, now you think there must be something "better" out there. This is a normal reaction, but not necessarily true or likely.

It doesn't seem like there's any specific problem with your wife. It seems like the main problem is that her parents live with you and you've never been on your own together. Just being bored with your wife, and you life, isn't a good enough reason to throw everyone's lives into chaos.

Every long term relationship goes through dull periods - it takes work to make things interesting. You could divorce her and start a new life with the co-worker, but realistically you'll probably feel the same way about her in 5 or 10 years, too.

I agree with the previous poster that you need to learn to be happy with yourself and not expect to find happiness in some perfect soul-mate. How about a hobby? Sport? Career change? Continuing education? You just sound bored and whiny to me.

[lilgreen]

I haven't read the other posts, so I apologize for any redundancy. I just wanted to say that you should see a counsellor. Not so that you can 'fix' things, but rather so that you can be clear about your needs and wants and also so you can develop a strategy to move forward with your life, whatever that may entail. You may find that learning to set boundaries can give you the independence you need. You may realize something else. The great thing about counselling is not that someone tells you why and how your life is messed up and how to fix it, but rather it gives you the ability to look at things from angles that you couldn't see from before. often benefit packages include counselling services of some kind. I would truly look into it.



lilgreen

[mandib50]

if you don't want to be married and you're unwilling to try counselling or to put the work into yourself and your marriage to make the changes needed, then it is not fair to your WIFE to continue to lie to her. she deserves better.

i think it's cowardly to express this to complete strangers and other people in your life instead of discussing this with your wife.

[rpar003]

It sounds like you're really unhappy with your life. I'm sorry - that must be hard I hope you can find the support you're looking for.

I agree with what someone else said - do you really want to do this for another 15, 30 years? Counselling isn't just if you feel like you'll hurt yourself or others, counselling can help you get to a happier and healthier place in your life. Help you figure out what really is the best path for you. It may be that the first counselor you see doesn't "fit" quite right, but it really can help (and keep looking til you find the right one!)

Since you have a child involved who you obviously love deeply, the first choice would probably be to find a way to work things out with your wife. This might not be possible, and being divorced is by no means the end of the world - but you (or your wife) would not see your son as often.

If you really don't feel you can remain with your wife, then let her be free to find someone who really will love her. I have a good friend who realized two years into her marriage that it was a huge mistake. She loved her husband, but just in a brotherly way. It hurt both of them a lot to end the relationship, but they are now both happily married (to other people!).

Good luck, and I hope you find a way to be happier.

[Lauren82]

Originally Posted by yips123

I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.

I think you are being very very selfish. Your wife deserves more than a charade. Yes, she will be hurt if you divorce her, but give her a damn chance to move on in her life and find someone else if she wants to. Pretending is terrible! Suck it up and do the right thing!

My ex husband was in love with someone else the ENTIRE time we were married. Thankfully that was only 4 years. The deception and lies were waaaaay worse than his habitual cheating. Sorry to be so blunt, but I know how your wife is going to feel when she finds out about all of this.

[sphinxie]

You are where you are. Where do you want to go from here? What do you want? It sounds like you've said that you want to be single, and still close to your son. That's good! You can do it, people have done it before you. Couples have divorced and been happy on their own.

In the meanwhile I would suggest that you not take any action until you have gotten way more emotionally clear on your future. Because wherever you go, you bring yourself with you... and your baggage. You'd bring your baggage with you in general, into your next relationship(s), into your relationship with your (former) wife, into your relationship with your son, into your relationship with yourself. Leaving this situation isn't going to cure you of the ills that got you into this situation in the first place. Suppose you do get together with your coworker, is this really what you want to share with her? Don't you want to share with her something greater?

And you know, even if divorce is ultimately what you want, you can start to be happier now. Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you. Maybe you won't ever be blissful about your in-laws, but moment by moment, you can choose to be a little happier. At every moment you usually have a choice between two perspectives. "If I left, it would kill my wife" or "If I left it would be difficult for my wife, but I know she'd be okay." "I just have to live this way the rest of my life" or "There's a better future out there for me, even if I'm not there yet." "I know I will never be happy again" or "I know that I'm happy sometimes, even if it's not as happy as I really want to be. I was happy for an hour or so yesterday when I took my son to the park and we ran around in the sunshine with a ball. My unhappiness right now is unpleasant, but I know that it isn't permanent... nothing is permanent. In fact I can go do XYZ and then I'll feel a little better..." Do you see how you have so much power over the way you feel, because you have the choice, at any given moment, over how to view your experience?

Once you learn how to work with your own power--which nobody else can do for you--your future (and your present) will open up. Everything will get relatively easier.

Some of the things you've said about therapy and counseling sound a little odd to me... let me find it...

Originally Posted by yips123

I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.

This is very strange to me. Sorry but you posted on a support site with mostly women, and women as a rule are more comfortable with therapy and counseling! I'm in therapy. Is it because I was going to hurt somebody or do something bad to someone? No! That doesn't make any sense! I got into therapy because my life sucked! Because I was overwhelmed, and I wanted help with getting my life back on track again! Sure, I've got a couple deeper issues, but the thing is that life came up and started pressing all my buttons. If life would have cooperated, I'd have been fine, and wouldn't have needed therapy. Big deal! Shit happens. My buttons got pushed. I got help. I could have been a martyr and suffered through it, but why the heck would I do that? Now my life is great. I could quit therapy if I wanted, but I don't, because I know it's contributing to my life getting even better. My DH came to couple's counseling with me, kicking and screaming, and discovered that it's actually sort of nice to talk to somebody other than me about this stuff... somebody with no vested interest. And he discovered that it's no big deal.

This is an example of how sexist bullshit can hurt men too. (I'm not directing "bullshit" at you personally at all, it's something we all deal with to some degree, I mean this totally generally.) Obviously you've got some stuff that a good therapist could help you with. Now I'm not saying you absolutely have to go to therapy, people have been known to work through these things independantly as well. I'm just saying, don't shut yourself off from that resource. Be open to all good things! Be open to anything that can benefit you and your loved ones! And above all don't shut yourself off from good things because some lame sexist paradigm says that men shouldn't have them unless they're about to go completely bonkers or whatever utterly meaningless restriction 'they' come up with.

Yes, you can be happy! The power is in your hands. The choices... there's one in every moment... are yours.

[GuildJenn]

Yips I don't know if you're still reading but I have a very good old friend who went through something similar - he married a distant cousin and had two kids with her, but never really felt that spark - over time he felt he had settled for safe but not really happy. He spent a year or two really building relationships with his kids, taking them out, etc. He also was very good to his wife during that time, helping around the house, etc. Around the midway mark he shared some of his feelings with her and they went to counselling.

Then he still felt the same way so he got a divorce and the counselling continued for a bit so that they could work things out with support. He moved into an apartment around the corner from their house, with room for the kids, and the kids pretty much hung out in both places. (they were young teens by then)

It was pretty amicable overall, much more than he thought (he thought it would be brutal and awful).

She met someone through her church and remarried really happily within two years. He wandered for 5 or 6 and then finally met someone and remarried. They all four remain good friends.

I'm telling you this because I think although he had made a lot of mistakes, he did act pretty ethically in terms of giving his family attention and care and trying, and then being honest. They responded well. You don't always hear about those ones. Good luck!

[MujerMamaMismo]

Originally Posted by sphinxie

You are where you are. Where do you want to go from here? What do you want? It sounds like you've said that you want to be single, and still close to your son. That's good! You can do it, people have done it before you. Couples have divorced and been happy on their own.

In the meanwhile I would suggest that you not take any action until you have gotten way more emotionally clear on your future. Because wherever you go, you bring yourself with you... and your baggage. You'd bring your baggage with you in general, into your next relationship(s), into your relationship with your (former) wife, into your relationship with your son, into your relationship with yourself. Leaving this situation isn't going to cure you of the ills that got you into this situation in the first place. Suppose you do get together with your coworker, is this really what you want to share with her? Don't you want to share with her something greater?

And you know, even if divorce is ultimately what you want, you can start to be happier now. Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you. Maybe you won't ever be blissful about your in-laws, but moment by moment, you can choose to be a little happier. At every moment you usually have a choice between two perspectives. "If I left, it would kill my wife" or "If I left it would be difficult for my wife, but I know she'd be okay." "I just have to live this way the rest of my life" or "There's a better future out there for me, even if I'm not there yet." "I know I will never be happy again" or "I know that I'm happy sometimes, even if it's not as happy as I really want to be. I was happy for an hour or so yesterday when I took my son to the park and we ran around in the sunshine with a ball. My unhappiness right now is unpleasant, but I know that it isn't permanent... nothing is permanent. In fact I can go do XYZ and then I'll feel a little better..." Do you see how you have so much power over the way you feel, because you have the choice, at any given moment, over how to view your experience?

Once you learn how to work with your own power--which nobody else can do for you--your future (and your present) will open up. Everything will get relatively easier.

Some of the things you've said about therapy and counseling sound a little odd to me... let me find it...



This is very strange to me. Sorry but you posted on a support site with mostly women, and women as a rule are more comfortable with therapy and counseling! I'm in therapy. Is it because I was going to hurt somebody or do something bad to someone? No! That doesn't make any sense! I got into therapy because my life sucked! Because I was overwhelmed, and I wanted help with getting my life back on track again! Sure, I've got a couple deeper issues, but the thing is that life came up and started pressing all my buttons. If life would have cooperated, I'd have been fine, and wouldn't have needed therapy. Big deal! Shit happens. My buttons got pushed. I got help. I could have been a martyr and suffered through it, but why the heck would I do that? Now my life is great. I could quit therapy if I wanted, but I don't, because I know it's contributing to my life getting even better. My DH came to couple's counseling with me, kicking and screaming, and discovered that it's actually sort of nice to talk to somebody other than me about this stuff... somebody with no vested interest. And he discovered that it's no big deal.

This is an example of how sexist bullshit can hurt men too. (I'm not directing "bullshit" at you personally at all, it's something we all deal with to some degree, I mean this totally generally.) Obviously you've got some stuff that a good therapist could help you with. Now I'm not saying you absolutely have to go to therapy, people have been known to work through these things independantly as well. I'm just saying, don't shut yourself off from that resource. Be open to all good things! Be open to anything that can benefit you and your loved ones! And above all don't shut yourself off from good things because some lame sexist paradigm says that men shouldn't have them unless they're about to go completely bonkers or whatever utterly meaningless restriction 'they' come up with.

Yes, you can be happy! The power is in your hands. The choices... there's one in every moment... are yours.

great advice! i agree wholeheartedly with everything she says!

[MsChatsAlot]

If this was your son, asking you for advice what would you tell him?
That, is your answer.

We always have choice, in everything we do. You may not like your choices, but you can choose what to do. Your son is watching this loveless marriage. He is seeing his same sex role model living a lie. He is watching you have no regard for yourself or his mother.

If you are staying in the marriage, then jump in all the way. If you want out, it's time to get out.

Happiness starts from within. Work on yourself and the rest will follow.

[anyuka]

PARENTS NEED TO LEAVE - STOP W/ THE COWORKER - COUSELING - BRING YOU, WIFE & SON CLOSER TOGETHER

You definitely sound depressed. There are many diffent levels of depression. You might not think you NEED couseling, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to one and have them help you figure out where all your feelings are coming from. You might not feel in love with your wife right now, but maybe you can try to get back to that place with her before either getting a divorce or accepting your life and just being miserable. It doesn't have to be so black or white.

I suggest that you have her family leave if you want any chance with your wife. You guys need to be a family with your son and all become closer as one again. It must feel really akward coming home and having her parents there all the time. You might not feel like yourself. You guys need your own space as a family.

Also, I think the close relationship with your coworker needs to end. It's not fair to you or your wife that you share a closer friendship with a coworker than with your own wife. You think the coworker is helping, but trust me it's only making matters worse.

Best of luck.

[FancyPants]

Originally Posted by yips123

"And beware the coworker-the grass always looks greener when things aren't going so well at home."

I can tell you the co-worker has been my only support. Yes, i know people will think I am doing this because of the co-worker, but I can honestly say I am not. I just want to be happy and being married is not making me happy. I do not feel I was ever meant to be married...I don't know if i have the ability to be married or to be in love. I don't think my wife will ever understand that and I don't expect her to.

Personally I would not go running off and divorce right now because it sounds like you don't know what you want, only what you do not want. I'd work on figuring out what you want right now. The therapy might work. Reading books might work. You will need to be able to set boundaries with your wife even, or especially when you divorce her. It seems that you are not good at that so I would use this time when your son is little to work on that. Work on setting little boundaries until you grow stronger. I can see you being walked all over in a divorce. Also I can see you ending up in a similar situation with another woman.
I would recommend "dance of anger". It is written for women but it might be a good read for you because you seem to want to please people at the expense of yourself. From what you say she is a good mother and you get to bond with your son, she holds up her end with the household, so I'd try to see the good. Maybe start with something very small. If you do not like going home, could you give yourself a half hour to browse the library or sit in a cafe or go on a walk (whatever suits you) BEFORE you come home. Then maybe push to have a small functioning of the household changed to suit/include you. etc... You might not feel so trapped if you are able to give to yourself. And recognizing you also have value not be a bad habit for you to learn.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[xois]

Originally Posted by yips123

Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.

therapy isn't about if you are going to do somethign bad to yourself or others...i didn't feel that way, but therapy helped me immeasurably.

The best thing I learned from therapy was "is this serving me"

Were my feelings of anger and frustruation serving me? No...so I let them go...

not suggesting that this is the message for you...but learning it was important for me...sometimes, it's the very small things in therapy that are valuable.

GL

[red moon]

The best thing you can do for yourself and everyone involved is take the opportunity each moment, staring now, to speak your truth. Then you will pave the road to a life that feels right to you. Dont you think your wife already knows there is discord? Of course she does. Open the conversation. Bravely face each next thing that happens, but dont assume you know how it will all play out. No one can know that. All you can do is start now to speak from your heart. Counseling can be an empowering thing to help you figure out what your truth is, and help you navigate a different path, one that isn't propelled by patterning. When we stay miserable because it is easier than facing our of fears of the unknown, we are committing to misery, rather than risking what we know we are for what we could become. Be brave! It's all going to happen in one small step at a time, whatever it is: staying together or breaking up. Start the conversation, and be open to what happens next. There's no way to see around evey bend in the road and prepare for everything. LIVE FOR YOUR INMOST HEART! Listen to your inner guidance and trust that if you begin to be honest now, you will get where you need to go. Honesty is the only way to build a foundation upon which you can ever have a relationship that can bring you or anyone else happiness. You are 30? you are going through your Saturn Return. My expereince with this is that whatever is in your life that is false to you cannot endure. You begin to emerge from your 20's, when you made decisons based on earning approval from others, to your 30's, which are about living your true path. This is a potent time for you. Look up more info on Saturn Return. It happens every 29 1/2 years, it's when Saturn, big heavy 'ask master' returns to the place it was when you were born, andbrings big heavy lessons.
You are a good person. Stop torturing yourself and do the next moment's best thing....be good to yourself and good things will come. Watch "the secret" and try and understand the law of attraction.
Peace.

[red moon]

that's "task master" by the way...whoops. Couldn't make 'edit' work