I will be a lone voice of dissent here, though I realize that it may be to late.
First, let me give you kudos for coming clean with your wife. That must have been so difficult. And, while she is processing this information, it is also difficult for you. These difficulties will help you to learn that you can become stronger than you were. You already ARE a stronger person by having done the right thing.
Second, my words are intended as advice and not judgment.
Here is what I have learned: Love is an action and not a feeling. You can choose to love someone. If you truly commit to loving someone, before long the feelings often follow.
As a child of divorce, I cannot tell you how strongly I disagree with the idea that your happiness is necessary for your child to grow and develop properly. I disagree that your happiness is more important than a stable family for your son. Do I advocate "staying together for the kids"? No...not like that. I DO advocate that, esp. since YOU are the one intent on leaving, that you make absolutely every possible effort in making things work before you leave.
Frankly, you have not indicated that you have done *anything* to try to rectify the mess you have created. To simplify, it sounds like (and I recognize that you have not included your entire life in these short posts!
) you have made a mess, and now you are no longer willing to live with the mess. But instead of committing to clean it up, your plan is to walk away. I think that is selfish.
If you weren't married, okay. If you were married but didn't have a child, leave if you absolutely must. But you have created this child who did not ask to be born into this mess. And HE should be a priority over your own happiness.
What if you decided to spend, say, one year giving your wife everything you've got? I'm not talking about the frilly, romantic stuff, but the stuff of REAL love. What if you took as much care of her needs as any wife could wish? Just for a year. What might happen to you and to your relationship? I found when my first was born that what makes us fall so in love with them is that they need us so, and we are able to meet their needs
. What a feeling of success! Even when we can't do it perfectly, it is that obsessive devotion to TRYING that breeds such a bond between us and our children.
If, at the end of that year, you can honestly say that you have tried your level best to be the man your family needs you to be, and things haven't improved enough, you can walk away with a clean conscience. And you know what? Your wife, and yes, your ds, will KNOW that you did everything you could do to make it work. Your ds will know that he was worth that much to you. You have many chances ahead to make other choices. Your ds has only *one* formative childhood.
I wish you the best of luck in however you decide to handle your problem.