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I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore - Page 3

post #41 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.
You don't have to be thinking about doing something bad to yourself or someone else to be depressed. I certainly don't think I'm a danger to myself of my children. Yet, I am depressed, and being medicated for it.

I also recommend you go to your general doc and tell him or her about this. Then find someone to talk too.

I otherwise have no advice.
post #42 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandib50 View Post
if you don't want to be married and you're unwilling to try counselling or to put the work into yourself and your marriage to make the changes needed, then it is not fair to your WIFE to continue to lie to her. she deserves better.

i think it's cowardly to express this to complete strangers and other people in your life instead of discussing this with your wife.

Amen to that! Poo or get off the pot. Sorry, but your wife deserves to know how you feel . Let her decide if she wants a marriage thats all lies. Don't decide for her.

Oh, and Amris....I am in total girl love with you! You always say what I wish I could say!
post #43 of 90
I hope you are still reading.


I agree that marriage counselling is not always a good idea. I don't actually believe in *most* marriage counselling for many reasons, including those outlined here under "Well Meaning Therapists" :

http://www.divorcebusting.com/sb_the_divorce_remedy.htm

and I don't think medication is a must for you at this point since you haven't even tried anything else yet! (I'm a rarity on this board because while I'm not anti-psychiatry, I'm not pro-psychiatry either, which is always odd to me considering the natural lifestyle and anti-allopathy almost everywhere else except this one area....that's off topic). if you WANTED to, a one on one therapist is sometimes a good person to bounce your thoughts off of and get unbiased input. I've found it completely depends on which therapist you get and how their personality jives with yours.

I think, you need to stop focusing on the marriage, stop focusing on her, her parents, all the things that are making you feel more hopeless in general, and focus for a while on YOURSELF and your life. Join clubs or volunteer. Take up something you've always wanted to try, like a sport or a hobby or even just a class. Something that will enrich your own life. I do NOT believe for one minute God put you on this earth to be a "key" for your wife and inlaws. Every person here is of value, every good person deserves to be happy, and I believe that you are a good person because I hear how much you love your son.

Maybe if you can truly make yourself happy by reaching some goals outside the "family/marriage" category, you will have some more clarity in how you view this relationship. You can't make your wife into a different person, but you can change yourself into a happy person who is having fun and accomplishing things. That is a much better place to be in when deciding whether to continue with this marriage.
post #44 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusBirthMama View Post
Amen to that! Poo or get off the pot. Sorry, but your wife deserves to know how you feel . Let her decide if she wants a marriage thats all lies. Don't decide for her.

Oh, and Amris....I am in total girl love with you! You always say what I wish I could say!
Aw, thank you! :
post #45 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by bri276 View Post
<snip> (I'm a rarity on this board because while I'm not anti-psychiatry, I'm not pro-psychiatry either, which is always odd to me considering the natural lifestyle and anti-allopathy almost everywhere else except this one area....that's off topic). <snip>
I am with you on this one. I won't get into why, except to say that prozac is equally effective as a placebo. Which makes the placebo clinically effective.... and yet this fact is blatantly ignored in the medical field at large.
post #46 of 90
Thread Starter 
First, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. I took everything everyone said to heart. I opened up to my wife last night and told her how I really feel. She knew I felt this way, but she is now devistated. We both started to cry. She said she never would have thought this would happen to us. She said she is willing to give me the divorce, but does not know how to start. She does not know how to tell her parents and her family. She wants to also sell the house because she cannot stay there. Too many memories. I don't want to sell it. I would rather my wife and son stay there with her parents. I would give her mortgage, money for bills, and money for my son. I would see my son everyday if I have to. I have a feeling that even though she is willing to give me the divorce, she may not because she does not want to go thru the process...
post #47 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
First, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. I took everything everyone said to heart. I opened up to my wife last night and told her how I really feel. She knew I felt this way, but she is now devistated. We both started to cry. She said she never would have thought this would happen to us. She said she is willing to give me the divorce, but does not know how to start. She does not know how to tell her parents and her family. She wants to also sell the house because she cannot stay there. Too many memories. I don't want to sell it. I would rather my wife and son stay there with her parents. I would give her mortgage, money for bills, and money for my son. I would see my son everyday if I have to. I have a feeling that even though she is willing to give me the divorce, she may not because she does not want to go thru the process...
I know how hard it was to face hurting her. I know it's a small comfort, but you did the right thing.

As for her giving you a divorce, make it as easy for her as you can, and she will let it go through.

But you have to understand that she probably really does NOT want the house. With all respect, you owe it to her to honor that.

I recommend that if you want her to have the house, agree to make that part of the divorce decree. Then promise to help her sell it after the divorce and find a new house... and help her do that.

It might be simpler for you both to take things one thing at a time. Start with the divorce and you moving out, and then go on to the house.

Again, I know it was so hard. Believe me, I know. Breaking up is hard, and even harder with a marriage and a child. But stringing her on was not right. And as conflicted as you may feel now, I suspect you also feel some relief. She probably does, too... it's hard working trying to MAKE someone love you who you know doesn't.

Everything will work out. It's hard to see right now, but she will find someone who DOES love her, and you will find someone you DO love (in THAT way), too.

Be proud of yourself, as hard as it was to do what was right, you did it. Take some time to thank yourself for that, and to appreciate the courage you showed in standing up and doing it.

What you were doing was unfair to everyone. You have now taken the first step down the road of making amends to everyone. It will have some bumps in it, but at least it's the road towards a better life for all.

It takes courage, responsibility, and strength to be honest in times like this. Now you know for a fact that, no matter what you thought before, you DO possess these qualities.

Make amends. Set this to rights. You have already begun, and you CAN do it. You CAN.
post #48 of 90
I didn't read all of the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating. I'll keep it short and sweet. If you haven't tried this one already, there is a very good (or it used to be) divorce and break-up support board at www.ojar.com

I won't judge- I just hope you all find some peace.
'Manda
post #49 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
First, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. I took everything everyone said to heart. I opened up to my wife last night and told her how I really feel. She knew I felt this way, but she is now devistated. We both started to cry. She said she never would have thought this would happen to us. She said she is willing to give me the divorce, but does not know how to start. She does not know how to tell her parents and her family. She wants to also sell the house because she cannot stay there. Too many memories. I don't want to sell it. I would rather my wife and son stay there with her parents. I would give her mortgage, money for bills, and money for my son. I would see my son everyday if I have to. I have a feeling that even though she is willing to give me the divorce, she may not because she does not want to go thru the process...
that must have been, and still must be, very hard. I truly believe by acting honorably, though it may be difficult, everything will work out for you. I hope you are both soon able to move on with the separate parts of your lives, and that the part you share is harmonious.
post #50 of 90
I have no desire to judge you, and I have no advice

I simply wish both yourself and your wife (and your son) all the happiness for the future.

Peace
post #51 of 90
Yips123- How are things going?
post #52 of 90
Thread Starter 
Things are not good obviously. We continue to have shouting matches with her doing the majority if not all the shouting. She has every right too. It came to a point last night where she attacked me. I have finger nail scars on my neck, bite marks on my collar and my back. I restrained from doing anything to her. She was baiting me to hit her, but I know if i did, I would not be sitting here at work writing this reply. I would be sitting in a jail cell. She continues to yell about how I ruined her life and our family. This is so hard. I feel so weak and I am totally drained. Not sure how long more this will last.
post #53 of 90
Thirty is YOUNG...I got married for the first time at 32 and started a great new life. I agree that your wife deserves to find someone who loves her. You're not doing her any favors by staying together.
I wish you luck.
post #54 of 90
I will be a lone voice of dissent here, though I realize that it may be to late.

First, let me give you kudos for coming clean with your wife. That must have been so difficult. And, while she is processing this information, it is also difficult for you. These difficulties will help you to learn that you can become stronger than you were. You already ARE a stronger person by having done the right thing.

Second, my words are intended as advice and not judgment.

Here is what I have learned: Love is an action and not a feeling. You can choose to love someone. If you truly commit to loving someone, before long the feelings often follow.

As a child of divorce, I cannot tell you how strongly I disagree with the idea that your happiness is necessary for your child to grow and develop properly. I disagree that your happiness is more important than a stable family for your son. Do I advocate "staying together for the kids"? No...not like that. I DO advocate that, esp. since YOU are the one intent on leaving, that you make absolutely every possible effort in making things work before you leave.

Frankly, you have not indicated that you have done *anything* to try to rectify the mess you have created. To simplify, it sounds like (and I recognize that you have not included your entire life in these short posts! ) you have made a mess, and now you are no longer willing to live with the mess. But instead of committing to clean it up, your plan is to walk away. I think that is selfish.

If you weren't married, okay. If you were married but didn't have a child, leave if you absolutely must. But you have created this child who did not ask to be born into this mess. And HE should be a priority over your own happiness.

What if you decided to spend, say, one year giving your wife everything you've got? I'm not talking about the frilly, romantic stuff, but the stuff of REAL love. What if you took as much care of her needs as any wife could wish? Just for a year. What might happen to you and to your relationship? I found when my first was born that what makes us fall so in love with them is that they need us so, and we are able to meet their needs. What a feeling of success! Even when we can't do it perfectly, it is that obsessive devotion to TRYING that breeds such a bond between us and our children.

If, at the end of that year, you can honestly say that you have tried your level best to be the man your family needs you to be, and things haven't improved enough, you can walk away with a clean conscience. And you know what? Your wife, and yes, your ds, will KNOW that you did everything you could do to make it work. Your ds will know that he was worth that much to you. You have many chances ahead to make other choices. Your ds has only *one* formative childhood.

I wish you the best of luck in however you decide to handle your problem.
post #55 of 90
Wherever you go, there *you* are. No relationship will make you happy or alive until you do this for yourself. Twist it any way you like. I tried. I even got myself into a mental hospital before I realized I had the choice to make myself happier. But at the end, you are an adult who started this life and family and responsibility and to just chuck it all b/c you are unwilling to work on yourself is the height of immaturity.
post #56 of 90
Trust me, brother, I know EXACTLY, and I mean EXACTLY how you feel. I was where you are about a year ago. And then, finally, 7 months ago my wife left me for another man.

I was devastated at first (not because I missed her but because I was ALONE), but it was the push that I needed to improve my life and to make my life exactly what I wanted it to be.

You see, I know what you are thinking. You are wondering if you can somehow survive this marriage for the rest of your life, and when you think of that, you feel suffocated and trapped. You THINK that by leaving you are going to get screwed and your life is going to be a living hell, but the truth is, she can only hurt you so bad. Meaning, you have SOME rights as the father of your child, so you should get to see them so long as you aren't a gangster or a pothead or something. They can only take so much child support, so you aren't going to be extremely poor. And she can only do so much to you, before you can file a legal claim against her to make her stop harassing you if she takes that road.

The truth is, you have to realize (like I did) that you put yourself into this situation by not being firm. But I understand what it's like to have pressure from all sides. I was coerced into getting married in much the same way you were. But at the end of the day you are responsible for getting yourself out of this. It's time you stood up, made a decision about how you want your life to be, and then do it!

If you don't want her parents living with you, then tell her! Don't just go along with everything she does. You deserve to be happy too, bro. You are an equal partner here too, and your opinion counts for something. don't just roll over and let her do as she pleases.

But it's probably too late for that, so my suggestion is for you to talk to your wife. Tell her how you feel, and see if there is ANY chance that you can make some changes in your marriage. If not, then I would go file for divorce. DON'T move out until you file for divorce and talk to a lawyer though, because if you do it will look like you abandoned her and the child.

In all things, however, you ahve to think of the child first. Don't be like my ex and me and put him in the middle of it. They don't deserve that. Divorce is going to get nasty, you can bank on it, but at some point you'll come to a place where you don't let her affect your life anymore, and when you get there, let me just say that it's the most free and satisfying feeling you can ever get. Don't stay in a marriage that you don't want. If you are so unwilling to get counselling (which I WOULD suggest for you), then just end it dude. Stop sitting around worrying about how hard it will be. It's going to be hard, but once you get through it all, it will be like a great weight has lifted off your shoulders.

But always keep that kid first. ALWAYS. And don't start dragging women in and out of his life. Only bring women around him with whom you are starting to get serious with.

And good luck man.
post #57 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Things are not good obviously. We continue to have shouting matches with her doing the majority if not all the shouting. She has every right too. It came to a point last night where she attacked me. I have finger nail scars on my neck, bite marks on my collar and my back. I restrained from doing anything to her. She was baiting me to hit her, but I know if i did, I would not be sitting here at work writing this reply. I would be sitting in a jail cell. She continues to yell about how I ruined her life and our family. This is so hard. I feel so weak and I am totally drained. Not sure how long more this will last.
ouch, sorry I missed this post.

Look, kid or no kid, you need to get away from this women. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for a women or a man to hit one another. If it were me, and I highly, highly suggest you do this, I would go down and file a domestic violence suit against her and get your child away from her.

I'm sorry, but there is not exuse for this and you need to leave. Simple as that.
post #58 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vypros View Post
If it were me, and I highly, highly suggest you do this, I would go down and file a domestic violence suit against her and get your child away from her.
I am so angry right now that all I can do is seethe. Telling him to take her child away from her is UNCALLED FOR.
I better refrain from saying anything else right now because what I really want to say is against the UA.
post #59 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by OdeToJoy View Post
I am so angry right now that all I can do is seethe. Telling him to take her child away from her is UNCALLED FOR.
I better refrain from saying anything else right now because what I really want to say is against the UA.
Look at what she did, though:

1. She hit him
2. She bit him
3. She cut him with her nails

Does this sound like an emotionally stable woman to you?

If the situation were reversed, the kids would be yanked away from the father so fast his head would spin.
post #60 of 90
I'm so sorry This must be a very rough time for you right now.

All I have to say:

1. Don't let your son witness her beating you like that. And yes, if it happens again, I would take legal action. Abuse of a husband is no more allowable than abuse of a wife. Take photos of where she hurt you, and write down what happened.

2. I grew up thinking therapy was for "losers," people who were seriously mentally ill, thinking of suicide, or just needing to cry about themselves. Needless to say, all of that thinking was wrong. You obviously have made some unhealthy life choices, and have issues with standing up for what you want in life. These are the things you'll need to analyze, understand, and correct if you ever want to move forward as a healthy person--capable of loving, capable of a healthy relationship, and capable of the kind of happiness you deserve. Therapy is the key to all of it. Some therapists are duds, yes, but you'll know when you find a good one. Just be open to change, and put it all out there when asked.

3. 30 is very young. You and your wife will be able to start new lives, find new happinesses. If your marriage had to end, it's better to do it now (when you're young) than to waste 10 or 15 more years.

Please, consider the idea that your feelings about therapy are incorrect. Therapy just helps you know yourself better, helps you "divorce" yourself from the damaging behaviors and emotional pitfalls you've picked up over your lifetime.

Best of luck to you, your son, and your wife. A year from now I hope you've found some resolution. Until then, keep your head up.
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