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I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore - Page 4

post #61 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vypros View Post
If the situation were reversed, the kids would be yanked away from the father so fast his head would spin.
No, they wouldn't. I know firsthand. My son's father attacked me and that didn't stop him from getting JOINT custody. They suggested (not demanded) that he go to anger management (which he never did).

No, kids don't get taken away from men who beat the mother of his kids.


I highly doubt that the op's wife would hurt the children.
post #62 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by OdeToJoy View Post
No, they wouldn't. I know firsthand. My son's father attacked me and that didn't stop him from getting JOINT custody. They suggested (not demanded) that he go to anger management (which he never did).

No, kids don't get taken away from men who beat the mother of his kids.


I highly doubt that the op's wife would hurt the children.
Well, let me tell you about MY situation then.

I've never hit a women in my life and I never will. However, I did do a dumb thing once with the kids. I took them up to my ex-wife while she was working and left them there with her. Not a smart move, but i left them WITH her, as in she was standing there with them when I walked away. In retrospect I did a really petty thing and I realized it almost immediately.

She, in turn, went down and filed a domestic violence suit against me claiming I left them alone in the lobby. I wasn't allowed to see my kids for two weeks before the suit was dropped for how ridiculous it was.

So, yes, they can be taken away, if temporarily.
post #63 of 90
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post #64 of 90
I have only skimmed through this so forgive me if I repeat something. I think what you did by telling your wife was a very good thing. She needed to know that. Of course you cant expect her to be happy about it but the attack was completely uncalled for. If it happens again, definately take legal action and get your son away from her.

I cant talk to you about what it is like to be divorced or have divorced parents. I have been married for 6 years, and my parents for 41. But I will tell you this, that if I wanted out of the marriage, if I felt trapped or not in love with my SO, then I would definately get out. That isnt a life for you, your wife, or your child. Your child is smarter then you think, they pick up on vibes and IMO, living happily apart is better then living miserably together.

You need to be their for your son and work as a team in raising him under seperate roofs. It wont be easy but you all 3 deserve better..

Good luck to you and I truly do hope that you find happiness...
post #65 of 90
From your posts, it sounds like she is not a violent person. I don't know what provoked her to attack, but I'm sure we don't have the whole story. I'm sure she's devastated to find out you've been living a lie. If she knows you have the hots for a co worker, this may be enough to send her over the edge temporarily. This doesn't mean she should lose her kid. Unless she has a history of violence or is a danger to the baby, she should keep the child. Sorry, but I believe kids belong with mommy.

She needs counseling to get her through this tough time. You need to leave, NOW. She may not realize it but she needs you out of her life. Once she has time to heal, she'll realize your marriage was a sham (not her fault) and that she is far, far, far, far, far better off without a weak and lying man in her life. She will find a new man who will treat her as she deserves. She will find the love she wants and build a new family, without you.

You need counseling too. Otherwise you will screw up the next relationship you have. THe problems are yours and not hers. Your inability to commit and personal weakness are something you need to work on before you jump into another relationship and ruin the life of another woman. Or another child, if you have more.
post #66 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by writermommy View Post
From your posts, it sounds like she is not a violent person. I don't know what provoked her to attack, but I'm sure we don't have the whole story. I'm sure she's devastated to find out you've been living a lie. If she knows you have the hots for a co worker, this may be enough to send her over the edge temporarily. This doesn't mean she should lose her kid. Unless she has a history of violence or is a danger to the baby, she should keep the child. Sorry, but I believe kids belong with mommy.

She needs counseling to get her through this tough time. You need to leave, NOW. She may not realize it but she needs you out of her life. Once she has time to heal, she'll realize your marriage was a sham (not her fault) and that she is far, far, far, far, far better off without a weak and lying man in her life. She will find a new man who will treat her as she deserves. She will find the love she wants and build a new family, without you.

You need counseling too. Otherwise you will screw up the next relationship you have. THe problems are yours and not hers. Your inability to commit and personal weakness are something you need to work on before you jump into another relationship and ruin the life of another woman. Or another child, if you have more.
EXACTLY! You have summed it up, perfectly.
post #67 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
First, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. I took everything everyone said to heart. I opened up to my wife last night and told her how I really feel. She knew I felt this way, but she is now devistated. We both started to cry. She said she never would have thought this would happen to us. She said she is willing to give me the divorce, but does not know how to start. She does not know how to tell her parents and her family. She wants to also sell the house because she cannot stay there. Too many memories. I don't want to sell it. I would rather my wife and son stay there with her parents. I would give her mortgage, money for bills, and money for my son. I would see my son everyday if I have to. I have a feeling that even though she is willing to give me the divorce, she may not because she does not want to go thru the process...
You guys should still go to counseling. I don't know if it's worthwhile to attempt to save your marriage, but you are going to be co-parenting for the rest of your lives. It sounds like you could use help with communication, even if you are headed for divorce. My sister was divorced from her first marriage and even though things didn't work out, she was very glad they got counseling. It helps to have someone thoughtful creating a safe space for discussion, and you can learn something about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

It's not a safe space if she's freaking out to such an extent, with uncharacteristic hitting and scratching.

You need to be able to talk, whether you reverse your decision to divorce or go ahead with it. The counselor shouldn't be invested in which way you go--just someone you both can trust who will give you a hand with this. Sometimes a clergyperson with pastoral counseling certification can do this. You want someone who isn't biased and doesn't want to overdetermine the outcome, just to be your ally and help you communicate.
post #68 of 90
Good for you for coming clean. I wish my STBX would have done that before cheating on me.

If you told your W about the other woman, I can understand her violent reaction. I slapped my H (for the first time in our 14 year relationship) and would have beat the crap out of him if I thought he wouldn't fight back.

While you have let yourself be cohereced into this life you don't want, she probably does want it, and doesn't want to lose it.

My advice would be to ask yourself before every act you make "am I acting with integrity (to myself and others), honesty and compassion?" Secondly, ask yourself, and reinforce this with your wife "is this decision in the best interest of our son?"

That second point is what got me through my separation with a minumum of violence (in words and actions).

Good luck!
post #69 of 90
Thread Starter 
Hello everyone...been away for a while. Just wanted to everyone an update. After minutes, hours, and days of talking, my wife doesn't want to have a divorce. She has asked for her parents to move out and we will help them find a place. I have tried to let her know that this will not resolve anything with regards to my feelings about not wanting to be married anymore. She is not listening. I don't want to just leave, because I don't want it to look like i abandoned my wife and son. I think I might just sit tight and see how things play out. These past few weeks have been draining emotionally and physically. To be honest, I don't think she will ever get how I feel. I have come to the realization that marriage is just not for me. I know I can be and I am a great father, but just not cut out to be a husband. Getting marrierd was the biggest mistake I ever made. Unfortunately, I held in my feelings way too long. Now my wife, my son, and I are paying for it.
post #70 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Hello everyone...been away for a while. Just wanted to everyone an update. After minutes, hours, and days of talking, my wife doesn't want to have a divorce. She has asked for her parents to move out and we will help them find a place. I have tried to let her know that this will not resolve anything with regards to my feelings about not wanting to be married anymore. She is not listening. I don't want to just leave, because I don't want it to look like i abandoned my wife and son. I think I might just sit tight and see how things play out. These past few weeks have been draining emotionally and physically. To be honest, I don't think she will ever get how I feel. I have come to the realization that marriage is just not for me. I know I can be and I am a great father, but just not cut out to be a husband. Getting marrierd was the biggest mistake I ever made. Unfortunately, I held in my feelings way too long. Now my wife, my son, and I are paying for it.
Thanks for the update. I didn't reply to the orignal post because I have just now found it and read through the whole thing.

Your wife is doing the right thing by having her parents move out. You can't just run away when you're not happy. You have to at least *try* to work things out. It sounds like you're being very stubborn as you keep saying that you just WON'T be happy. How do you know??? You aren't giving it a fair chance at working with that attitude. Sure, if you keep telling yourself that you won't be happy, than you won't be happy. What about adjusting your attitude and making the most of what you have and THEN decide if you are still unhappy?? Your wife is trying her damndest to keep her family together and you should really give her credit for that. I wish you peace and the strength to really try to work things out.
post #71 of 90
As much as it would hurt your wife, you need to be honest with her and tell her everything, from A to Z. Just let your feelings pour out. You need to deal with this asap, don't live in misery any longer. As long as you are able to change your situation and you know what makes you happy, then why not make those changes? You must not stay with your wife because of your son or because of sympathy. That won't do any good to anyone around you.
If I was in that situation, I would rather hear the truth from my husband and let him go, than being misled and living my life thinking that everything is great in my marriage....you know what I mean?
Sit her down and tell her that you don't love her "that" way, explain it to her..., maybe once she hears you, she'll realize that she needs a man who loves her all the way.

Good luck!

Kristina(29) mama to Jasmine(4)-:novax: :
post #72 of 90
oooops, sorry...I just realized that you wrote an update.
I meant my previous reply for your original post.

I feel so bad for you. I don't understand your wife.
Why can't she get it? Why is she holding on to
this marriage? I guess for your son's sake and also
she knows that you are a good man, which makes
it harder for her, thinking that she won't find another
man like you, who provides for her and her son.
But is she fair to herself? Knowing that you don't
wish to be in this marriage anymore and she's still
forcing the whole thing. People must know limits.
She should consider your feelings too, that you are
just not too happy anymore.
I suppose she is okay with living in a marriage which
is not desired by one half. I would not want that for
myself.

Keep talking to her... I guess.


Kristina(29) mama to Jasmine( 4)-
:
post #73 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristina77 View Post
If I was in that situation, I would rather hear the truth from my husband and let him go, than being misled and living my life thinking that everything is great in my marriage....
I would definately want to know the WHOLE truth and let him go rather then live with someone that doesnt love me. If you dont want to work on it, then dont. Unless your heart is 100% commited to making this work, it's not going to. No matter how much talking or counseling you do, it just wont work. It sounds to me that you have already made up your mind, you are just holding on b/c you fear of further hurting your wife's feelings and also for your son. Either commit to her completely or file for divorce...
post #74 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by writermommy View Post
From your posts, it sounds like she is not a violent person. I don't know what provoked her to attack, but I'm sure we don't have the whole story.
You know. While, strong emotions explain violence, they don't justify it--EVER.

If the OP was a woman and it was a husband who attacked, I think we'd all be saying to press charges.

I'm a woman. I had the misfortune of having an abusive father, and I even did counseling thorugh a domestic violence center. But--still--I don't understand why there's a such double standard. I think allowing women to have excuses to be violent to men(except in cases of self-defense) enables abuse to continue in chains within family trees. Violent mothers raise violent children--of both sexes. It doesn't matter whether this woman attacks her children or just her husband. If she crosses the line verbally, sexually or physically, she is an abuser--and abusers damage their kids even if they are just attacking their spouses.

Edit: One last word. While everyone is trying to encourage the OP for staying married, I have to wonder if the whole reason he believes marraige isn't for him is because is wife is abusive. Would you believe marriage is great thing if you thought it was normal for a spouse to be abusive and controlling?

He sounds very trapped and controlled. If the situation was reversed and his words were written by a woman, it'd look like red flags all over the place for a domestic violence situation.

He tried to leave her. She attacked him and it appears like she used a lot of psychological stuff (ex - guilt trips) to get him to stay against his will. That's clear signs of abuse.

OP, whether or not you stay with your wife, please see a therapist. If you can't do it for yourself--do it to be a better father for your kid.
post #75 of 90
yips123-just saw this update and hope that her parents moving out helps you both have a little more clarity. I think it's really smart that you aren't rushing into big decisions right now. I remember when I was splitting up with my ex-I was so impulsive-that's it, I'm out of here, etc. and did it ever create waves of chaos that lasted for years.
post #76 of 90
Thread Starter 
Hi everyone, thank you for the posts. Your words have been comforting and helpful. As an update, my wife's father is now in the hospital for irregular breathing. This is now been placed as the primary concern as it should. To be honest, with this happening and the fact that her mother is not all that well also, the apartment thing just will not happen. Her parents are going to be living with us for good. I have decided to give up my feelings of wanting to be divorced. Living out my life with her parents is just in my future. I have to face it. This just adds to my frustration. Everytime i think a door has been opened for me, my wife and her parents close it. I know I am a good father, I was just never cut out to be a husband. I've decided to put my life in God's hands. Whataver he sees fit will happen. I will not take active role anymore in pursuing divorce. It's just too hard. My son deserves to be happy and I just have to do whatever it takes to make him happy. Maybe i can teach him to learn from my mistakes and hopefully he can make better decisions than i did.
post #77 of 90
Since you have decided to try to make the best of it, I would suggest trying to build up your relationship with your wife to be the best it can be, even if that is just a good friendship. This would make a huge difference in your son's life. I think counseling would be really useful to this end. You can "shop" around for a counselor until you find one you really like. For me, it was the fourth couselor I met and she was awesome and a big help. Good luck!
post #78 of 90
Yips123, sounds like you are taking a reasonable approach for the time being. Keep an open mind though. You've said "I've decided to do this, so now I have to do this for the rest of my life." There's no need to exagerrate your situation and make it even worse than it is, right? Try "I've decided to do this for now."

Sometimes when I have a mental habit that is causing me trouble--as it sounds like your self-punishing approach is--I ask myself each time it comes up, "Has this EVER helped me? Has this EVER done ANY good?" Has it EVER done you any good to say "I have to do X forever now"?

It sounds reasonable to wait and see while life is in flux right now. In the meantime, why not look for a good counselor for yourself? Whatever you decide to do later will be easier if you have cleared up some of your underlying issues. You'll be more able to understand other people, and to act in a pure way, with less self-obstruction. As great as a thread on mdc can be, believe me, a good counselor is better.

One thing you can do now is to make subtle changes in the way that you think. As long as you view yourself as the victim of your wife and in-laws, you'll experience life as if you are the victim of your wife and in-laws. Who do you want to be? This isn't about external things that you want to happen in your life. Who do you want to be?

Something I've learned is that sometimes when we refuse to learn a certain lesson in life, the lesson keeps getting bigger and bigger until finally it's so intense that we can't stand it anymore, make the stretch to learn the lesson, and then life gets better again. So often when I find myself saying "This sucks and I just don't want to deal with it" I remember that it will probably slowly get worse until I can't stand it anymore and deal with it. I can skip all that if I open up and learn from my experience now. A lot of times that means taking action, learning a new approach, seeking out support of whatever kind is most appropriate at the time, changing my mindset, taking responsibility for myself... etc.

And even though other people are responsible for their own screwups, they aren't responsible for the basic fact that I was refusing or simply not ready to learn an important lesson in life. Plus then I get the credit when I do finally learn it.
post #79 of 90
I think you need to see why you're not happy. Maybe it is not even your wife that is making you unhappy.

What do you want in a partner? In life? In a family? You need to find the answer to these questions before making any decisions.

I highly doubt divorce is the only solution ...in fact, I don't think divorce usually is the solution. You might just get divorced and get back into the same situation with a different person ...only that would be more complicated since you have baggage already.

I'm very suspicious when I hear this "true love" stuff. What exactly is love to you? Do you want to feel butterflies or wild passion? A movie kinda love?

These are just some questions for you to think about...you don't have to answer them.

I once spent several months wanting out of my marriage because I thought that's why I was upset. The truth is other things were upsetting to me and I was blaming it on my husband. I also thought for a good while my husband's great but I just don't love him..well it turns out we both were so caught up with outside things that we needed to take time to bring romance and passion in our life. I also felt bored and noted I needed to spend time with my girlfriends. I can't get everything from my husband alone. Then too I also realized I need to spend time by myself.

Relationships aren't one dimensional. They are multifacted and to thrive and succeed in a relationship we have to work on all areas of our life. Too often people are failing in other areas and blaming it on their partner. You need to make your own happiness. Your partner is not responsible for your happiness. Find a hobby or something fun to do for yourself. That might just be all you need.
post #80 of 90
I still don't think you should rule out divorce--but I think you're in a low place right now where you'd have an almost impossible time seeing everything clearly and making the most responsible decision--whether it's to stay married or not. Again (!), you need to see a therapist. No matter what happens with your wife, or if she'd be willing to go to marriage therapy, you need to go for yourself. Go to therapy for a while, get some perspective, get a view of what healthy is, and then you'll be able to make a path for you and your family.

Unless you take some steps to get healthy and get some perspective, you're going to be carrying this weight for the rest of your life. It's not worth it, and getting rid of the weight isn't as easy as leaving or saying "I want a divorce." Obviously you've seen that. I know the weight of being in an impossible situation makes it hard to motivate, but while you're sitting around you're wasting time and feeling worse.

....try to motivate. Just try therapy--how could it possibly make things worse, you know?
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