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I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore - Page 5

post #81 of 90
yips123-

Your inlaws are NOT your children. You are NOT responsible for your wife's parents- not their health, not where they live, not their finances- none of it.

My mom's parents and siblings lived with us, off on and on, for my entire childhood. This was not the only problem in my parent's marriage by a long shot, but it was a very big part of it.

Amris hit the nail on the head when she told you to man up and gain some accountability. You have *got* to get some control over your own life.

And your wife attacked you? I'll tell you what, any partner who is physically violent to their spouse gets a chance to do one time- you should be outta there, my friend, and yeah, I'd take your son with you. Responding to anger with violence is the definition of abuse.

(Yes, I'm a woman, a mother, too, and yes, I've been abused. It's bullshit no matter who does it.)

Your life is YOURS, not your wife's, nor son's, and for sure not your inlaws. I bet you just feel like a paycheck, huh? Like a worker bee.

That's how my dad felt- he was an abusive rageaholic, no saint, for sure, but he has bipolar, and since getting treatment, has been able to better articulate what supporting my mom's whole family did to him mentally.

God helps those who help themselves. You need to focus on yourself to be a better person- not a better husband or son in law, but better for yourself and your own sake.

Only you can change your life.

Please don't deceive your wife into thinking that something has changed. You still don't love her. You'll probably have to say it more than once, because when people are hurting, they deceive themselves.

You deserve to happy. But sometimes, you have to fight for your happiness. This could be why so many people have suggested therapy for you- you sound like a man who needs help finding his inner warrior.
post #82 of 90
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leta View Post
yips123-
You deserve to happy. But sometimes, you have to fight for your happiness. This could be why so many people have suggested therapy for you- you sound like a man who needs help finding his inner warrior.
Hi all,
I hear what everyone is saying. Yes, I do need therapy, but just not willing to go right now. I allowed my wife to destroy my inner warrior a long time ago. before, I was only concerned with her happiness and what she wanted. My feelings and happiness was put on the back burner. You can pretty much call me "Yes Man". Anything she wanted, I said yes nomatter how I felt about it. I do deserve to be happy, but I know I cannot be happy knowing I just devastated her. She will never make it easy for me to just walk away. I'm 30 yrs old. I think I know my future already. Things that I hoped and prayed for before I was married will never come true. I come to the realization that I have been living a lie for almost 13 yrs. That's how long I have known my wife. I'm in too deep to turn back now. Me living this life was just meant to be. Everything everyone has been saying in these posts I have taken to heart. Sometimes it's just too easy to say than do. My wife has drained me mentally. I have nothing left in my life except the love for my son, his hopes, and his dreams. That is my only concern.
post #83 of 90
Hi. I'm a therapist. I've been reading some of the posts on this thread. I think the thread starter really has misunderstood therapy, particular marriage counseling. Marriage counseling most often happens when it's already too late... like in your situation... and then it is a way of breaking up mindfully, both partners learning something from the current dysfunctional relationship in order not to carry it forth to the next relationship.

I believe that staying together for the child is a cop-out. It's all in order to avoid addressing the bigger issues. I also believe that the in-laws being there actually preserves the status-quo: it's triangulation. You can blame the in-laws for the unhappiness you feel.. it's called "displacement"... and never actually confront yourselves or each other.

Also, on a personal note: I am a child of a dysfunctional marriage. Because my parents didn't have the courage to face their issues, my mother saying, "I stayed for your sake"... I ended up inheriting the problems they refused to face and I, myself, spent 12 years in therapy.
post #84 of 90
you did lie about your feelings before....but your feelings now may change, so if you say truth now you may regret later as you will change. i suggest you do yoga and meditation. your happiness is your inner peace. learn to find it in your family :
post #85 of 90
Thread Starter 
Hey all, hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend. Just wanted to let everyone know that her parents are no longer moving out. Based on the amount of money they receive from the government, it will not be enough for them to get an apartment. This is just another let down in my life with my wife and her family. Just feel like a beaten man right now. I want to thank everyone on this site for your advice, but I don't think i have the energy or the will to make things better for myself. Right now, I am just concentrating on making things better for my son. My wife is pretty much okay right now being that we are not really arguing anymore. Basically, everything seems to have smoothed itself out for her sake and my son. There is an interesting article in the New York Post today. http://www.nypost.com/seven/05292007...an_kadison.htm ... I wish this article was around when i got married at 24.
post #86 of 90
I realize these quotes are taken out of context, but for god's sakes man, you need help. In reading this thread, I feel both intensely sympathetic toward—and equally irritated by—your histrionic self-pity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
I know i will never be happy again.
Living out my life with her parents is just in my future.
I'm 30 yrs old. I think I know my future already. [PUHLEEZE]
Everytime i think a door has been opened for me, my wife and her parents close it.
This is just another let down in my life with my wife and her family.
Just feel like a beaten man right now.
I don't think i have the energy or the will to make things better for myself.
Me living this life was just meant to be.
Things that I hoped and prayed for before I was married will never come true.
You are living in victim mentality. You are the only one who can get yourself out of it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
My son deserves to be happy and I just have to do whatever it takes to make him happy.

I have nothing left in my life except the love for my son, his hopes, and his dreams.
So now you are going to burden your son by making YOUR life revolve around him?

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet
post #87 of 90
Yips, you have had such a lot of advice/thoughts here. I think you are being used a bit. And I'm sure your wife feels she has been used too.I've never been married, never wanted to actually wed and have only suffered abuse at the hands of 'partners'. I've been on my own for years raising my dc, u know I would never live with someone again, it's too hard for me to deal with anothers stuff. Happiness and contentment has to come from within not from another relationship. The co-worker wifie may seem all roses now but come on, in your current situation you probably are craving for some love and thats usual i guess. And very flattering for her probably but I wonder how she would like to be the spurned wife, it can so easily flip to the other side. Not now imo not till you are emotionally stable and are divorced from your wife or separated. You and your wife and ds will imo never be happy continuing in this situation and I agree with the pp who says you can't live your life through your ds. You will never be happy with your wife imo, seems like a sentance, stop being a martyr/victim, life too short,get out now, however hard it is, whats the point in staying apart from your ds, but it won't work from that angle either imo. Your wife seems imo to be terrified of facing up to her own fears, of being 'left alone', I was left with a 4 week old, a 16 month old and a 4 yr old living in the back of a tranny van with no money, friends or family support and it was terrifying, literally the bottom dropped out of my world, I had serious palpatations, panic attacks major confusion like I had never felt and I'd felt some over the years all right. She is gonna have to stand on her own two feet and admit the marriage is over ( or indeed never begun, if there was no love how can that even be a marriage?)as you have said yourself it is, but you have to take the next step. You told her whats been going on, how you feel and stuff so you are movin ahead cos you have to, why oh why are you just gonna stay in it cos you can't get out? Take a calculated risk. What if's can go on and on for ever, get it sorted so you have time with your son, you say you will let her keep the house, if there is no love in your marriage why on earth does she want to prolong it? Is there any chance she just hasn't given much thought to making the union a happy one or developed other interests and goals aside from being your wife in recent years? Why was she soo desperate to get married to someone she knew had doubts in the first place? To fullfil a need, a purpose in life? Is this her identity she's losing?
She must be hurting all right but I think she also needs to come to her senses about this and is probably depressed as she doesn't seem to have much going on in her life aside from wife and mother, oh and carer for her ageing and sick parents, which I am not knocking, thats a lot of work, it's just you need outside interests to develop personal growth to make a marriage work in the first place. She also need a life.Things can get stagnant I guess. It's not a healthy situation and there's no point in hanging on in there imo. I was freakily possesive of my bf's when I was younger and I drove them away, I was terrified of being on my own but could not realise it, now I want to be alone cos I know where I stand and am not a party to emotional bs on a daily basis and not so needy, your wife sounds miserable and controlling, the other woman thing must be eating her up inside, both of you need to get a perspective on this, to prolong this is to prolong the pain, your ds needs strong parents too, there has to be an iota of love/peace/acceptance/clarity somewhere within your situation so you can make plans for all of your futures and support and love for your ds.
post #88 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by xochimama View Post
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet
This is beautiful. I printed it and am hanging it on the refrigerator. Words to live by...
post #89 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by xochimama View Post
So now you are going to burden your son by making YOUR life revolve around him?

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet
That quote just brought something to mind that I thought was very profound.

Oprah the other day... Martha Beck? was talking about meeting a man ? one time ? who was happy, centered, blah, blah, blah... The first question was... "What was your mother like?" (The response was something she has only heard once in her life.) Was the response "oh I was the center of my mother's life" or "My mother did everything (dropped everything) for me" ? Nope. The response was "my mother loved life."

Martha Beck's point was, how you treat yourself is how you teach/model for your children to treat themselves. If all one does is sacrifice, sacrifice and one doesn't have their own interests/passions, you aren't providing children a service, you are doing them a profound disservice.

I thought that was pretty profound. Because I tend to make the kids the center of my universe and now I'm going through a lot of emotional pain for some "unresolved" stuff that's rearing it's ugly (but necessary) head.

FYI, I truly believe, that if you ended your marriage with your wife right now (where you are at at this moment) and started a relationship with that other office romance, it wouldn't last. She might have issues with you or vice versa because you are still you with all your issues/baggage.

But, unlike you, I am going to into therapy this coming week because I * really * need it before I lose it. It's a hassle, a drag to shelp myself over there, but getting help is better than wallowing in self-pity, pain, the run-around of my confused mind, yada, yada, yada...
post #90 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Unfortunately, I have found no website which supports men the way this website supports women. So, even though I am a man, I hope to have some feedback on my situation. Thirteen years ago I met a girl via a blind date. Throughout our relationship I never really felt love, but just felt comfortable. I just thought things were meant to be between this woman and I even though I never truly believed she was my true love. In June 2000, we got married. About 3 months before we got married, I cheated on her. It was a very rough time. She was devastated at what I had done. I expressed at the time how I did not want to get married, but I gave in to the pressure. I was getting pressured by her, her family, and my family to get married. She forgave me for what I did and we moved on. While living with my parents for the first few months, she expressed to me that we needed privacy and needed to get our own place. I wanted us to to save mor emoney, but she really was pushing for the house. So I gave in again. We bought a house and about 2 months later she tells me that her parents are coming to stay with us for a few months. I said ok even though the whole purpose for us getting the house was for our privacy. The first year it was 2 months, the next year, it was 4 months, the next year it was 8 months. After the second year, i knew the reason why she rushed me to get a house and I think you do as well. It did not bother too much, but I kinda felt used. Anyway, in 2003, we had a baby boy. I never felt so alive. My son now is my world. In 2004, while her parents were staying with us, her father had a stroke. They are now staying with us permanently. I don't totally mind they are staying with us, but everyday I don't feel like going home to see these people. Sometimes I feel God put me on this earth to be the key they needed. My money goes to pay mortgage, utlities, car, food, and everything else. Now, don't get me wrong, my wife does everything for me. She cooks, cleans, washes my clothes, and is a great mother, but for some reason none of it appeals to me much. Earlier this year, I met women at my job. She is great. I feel so good around her. I wish wasn't married so I could be with her. I have not cheated on my wife. As long as I wear my wedding ring, I respect that i am married. To be honest, I do not feel that i have the ability to love a woman. I love my wife for being the mother to my son, but that's it. I go home everyday pretending I am in love with her. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I know it would be devasting to her to get a divorce. It would kill her. Plus, she would make my life a living hell. I want so much to be happy, but to the to extent where it would crush her. I sit at my desk everyday wishing i wasn't married. I feel dead. My life is dead. It hurts me so much that i'm married. I don't want to hear about getting marriage counselling. I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.

____________________________________________



Bumping this thread forward and wondering if anyone ever heard the outcome of Yips life drama?

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