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Please tell me this gets better...

post #1 of 38
Thread Starter 
I feel like I am at a breaking point.

I have two month old twins and a 27 month old. I feel like I am going crazy. My house is a wreck, the twins cry all. the. time. and my two year old is just... a two year old. I seriously am at the point where I fantasize daily about just walking out and leaving the kids with my husband and not coming back. I don't like being a mom any more, I resent my husband because he gets to leave the house and not be covered in spit-up all day, or constantly rocking an inconsolably screaming baby. He works & is in college, so today, for example, I was left alone with the kids for 16 hours straight (he came home between work & school to change and say hi.) I ate for the first time today at 5 PM, when I managed to sneak downstairs while the kids were napping and eat some toast. Then he comes home at 10PM and we get ready for bed... and then the twins rev up for the nightly screamfest.

My marriage is suffering. I have absolutely no help- our families are useless, the "come over and hold the babies, and as soon as they cry, hand them off and run/expect to be entertained" types. My house is borderline unsanitary and I have no one to clean it- and I am a clean freak so this drives me absolutely insane, to the point of panic attacks. I am sitting here with a huge lump in my throat because I just realized tonight that I resent my twins. I love them, but I catch myself thinking daily "This is so unfair, I didn't ask for this, why me?" We can't afford to hire help or someone to clean or anything like that. I am at the point where I am seriously considering getting a full-time job (with lots and lots of overtime) and putting the kids in daycare just so I can escape.

I just don't even know what to do any more. My toddler is turning into an absolute hellion- she is great with her siblings but seems intent on destroying the house and driving me as crazy as possible. The babies are SO so so so so angry and fussy and just absolutely awful, and I know it's not their fault but it's so hard to not cry myself when I've been sitting there trying to rock two wailing babies (while my toddler destroys the house.) I haven't eaten a meal that wasn't fast food in weeks. Everyone says "It's PPD! Go to the Dr.!" Well, unless the doctor's going to come clean my house, cook for me, or help me with the kids, it's useless to me.

I'm sorry if this is rambly. I have a huge headache and I feel like crying and I wanted to vent to people who might understand. I know it can't go on like this forever but today is one of those days where I can't ever see an end to this hell and I just want to walk out and never come back, and that just makes me feel worse than I already do.
post #2 of 38
You are at one of the hardest times right now. When people come over tell them I need you to load the dishwasher before you hold baby A. I need you to throw in a load of laundry before you hold baby B. If you have a friend call and say I want to stop by say great while you are on your way bring me xxxx or yyyy for dinner it can be a roasted chicken and a loaf of french bread. Not sure where you are at but have you checked with your local moms of twins club? I know we will do anything we can to help out if someone needs laundry done we do it, dishes done, floors scrubbed we all know how hard it is to get anything done. Check with a local church and see if they can help you out with food or housework I know that LDS churchs will help out with food.(homecooked meals) It gets diffrent but the first 3 months are hard work, then it gets a little better the first year is hard. I won't lie but once you get past that point it gets to be joyfull I only have the twins but I love being a mommy most days. I hope you get feeling a little better. And if someone tells you it's PPD again tell them to come mop your floor it will help you feel better
post #3 of 38
1. Cry. Repeatedly. Intensely. Scream while crying if you feel like it - and don't be surprised if you do. You sound like you've been through post-partum hormones before, as you mention a two-year old plus other siblings, but the hormones after twin pregnancy are shocking. Seriously. Cry. Do it. Oh - and expect the shockingly loud hysterical laughter that may very well follow. :

2. Get specific with "visitors." Nobody, but nobody, walks into your house to hold babies at this point - unless this is what you have specified they are to do. Walking in the door means emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, sweeping the floor (finding the floor?), etc. Seriously. This is not the time for being nice to the relatives. Anybody who walks in should hear marching orders almost immediately following the brief exhausted greeting. And I agree with the pp who said anybody who says you have PPD gets to mop the kitchen. Although... I might send them to scrub a toilet or three...

3. DH is out for 16 hours straight? Um, no. Time for a chat. He can start that up again in a few months. Seriously. Now is the time for all able-bodied adults to hunker down and stop saying "we can only do it this way." You're not getting enough sleep to think straight. He needs to figure this out. If you can't bring yourself to do it, print this out and say "Here's what a really mean mommy said. What do you think?" It will help if you can muster one of those post-twin-birth crying jags just as you finish the question.

What you're going through is the normal insanity of life with infant twins. It DOES get easier. For now, though, you have to stop everything, including basic politeness with relatives if necessary to get the basics halfway done on a couple of days a week.

Note: I love the pp's suggestions!

Many many hugs to you. It will get better.
post #4 of 38
Ok wow, my twins are 4mos old and I could have written this exact post 2mos ago. My husband works a lot of hours...I was jealous that he got to leave the house from 6am-9pm at night. My girls cried all the time. It seemed like they never slept. I had NO HELP. I never got to eat..I barely got to shower, i smelled like spit up...my son wanted my attn more and more...i was tired, i was crying...it was like it all mounted and it was so hard...other moms of twins kept saying it would get better...i had people tell me to go out by myself and get a break but they didnt understand that I couldnt since I had no help and no one to babysit....my one twin had colic really bad...my other twin had gas issues....they wouldnt sleep at the same time so I always had a baby awake...when they both fell asleep, i still couldnt nap because my son needed me...at night if they happened to fall asleep at the same time, i would try to fall asleep and then one would wake up and then wake the other and then my husband would disappear into the basement because he couldnt handle it...so i was up at 1am with two screaming babies...I would cry in the shower because my husband was not sensitive to my feelings and if i cried in front of him he would get mad...my house looked like cr*ap..i had a laundry room full of dirty clothes....I TOO wanted to just walk away from it all...I figured that it was easier because otherwise having twin infants was going to be my slow death...

and then one day it was like a switch...things DID get better....gradually they started sleeping longer, they stopped spitting up as much.....Danielles colic went away...Deanna wasnt as gassy....and now they are so much fun. They are sleeping all night....they laugh..the talk to each other...they are trying to move around....They both sleep 11-12hrs, they both are on the same night and day routine so they nap together at the same time.. they are used to each other cries so they dont wake each other up.....so trust me from someone who was in your exact same shoes that it DOES get better, you are at the point where you will not believe me, but trust me it does....
post #5 of 38
I'm not there yet, but just wanted to offer some .
post #6 of 38

It does get better!!

Oh Appleseed I so want to give you great big hugs I just went through this with my twins except not exactly as you. Indeed I had help and frankly didn't know if I would have survived without the help. Coming from a mom that has always did everything myself and 3 children prior to the twins that attitude "I can do it myself"--went out the window fast. I caved and asked for help and my mom was there every step of the way. My dh like yours stayed hours away and I would tell him we didn't have just one baby!! He is so use to me taking care of everything I let him know quick I will need help. I sooo empathize with you and good luck on exploring your options with the LDS churches they will indeed give of themselves (meals, cleaning etc.) Seek out help it is much needed I know my twins are now 3 months old and I wished I was there I sure would help you. Oh yeah the mothers twin group check with your local hospital they can usually tell you of these groups. They are moms with twins or multiples so all have been there! Good luck to you and I know with each passing day your days are going to get better :-)

Cheer up the light is at the end of the tunnel as babies are reaching 3 months. It will get easier.
post #7 of 38
i understand that must be such a struggle and draining for you. i had a really hard time when my second daughter was born and my son was 18 months and you have twins. my dd cried all the time i guess she was colic which some people would call it ( i think thats the doctors way of saying they dont know whats wrong) anyway- have you considered asking for some daily help for even just a few hours? do you thin you may also be dealing with ppd? anyway i wish you luck and knolwdge that it will get better and you will get used to it all just keep pushing through and go outside that does wonders for me!
post #8 of 38
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by utopia760 View Post
i understand that must be such a struggle and draining for you. i had a really hard time when my second daughter was born and my son was 18 months and you have twins. my dd cried all the time i guess she was colic which some people would call it ( i think thats the doctors way of saying they dont know whats wrong) anyway- have you considered asking for some daily help for even just a few hours? do you thin you may also be dealing with ppd? anyway i wish you luck and knolwdge that it will get better and you will get used to it all just keep pushing through and go outside that does wonders for me!
No, it's not PPD... I'm just overwhelmed. I had severe PPD with my oldest that went untreated for a year so I definitely can differentiate. I seriously don't know what I'd do if I was dealing with depression on top of all this :

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your replies, everyone. You made a going-nuts mama feel so much better. I don't know if my kids were listening too, or what, because today has been so much better. I am so glad there is such an awesome support system here in this forum! I have no local resources or mom friends, so this is a huge help for me.
post #9 of 38
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinmomplusone View Post
Ok wow, my twins are 4mos old and I could have written this exact post 2mos ago. My husband works a lot of hours...I was jealous that he got to leave the house from 6am-9pm at night. My girls cried all the time. It seemed like they never slept. I had NO HELP. I never got to eat..I barely got to shower, i smelled like spit up...my son wanted my attn more and more...i was tired, i was crying...it was like it all mounted and it was so hard...other moms of twins kept saying it would get better...i had people tell me to go out by myself and get a break but they didnt understand that I couldnt since I had no help and no one to babysit....my one twin had colic really bad...my other twin had gas issues....they wouldnt sleep at the same time so I always had a baby awake...when they both fell asleep, i still couldnt nap because my son needed me...at night if they happened to fall asleep at the same time, i would try to fall asleep and then one would wake up and then wake the other and then my husband would disappear into the basement because he couldnt handle it...so i was up at 1am with two screaming babies...I would cry in the shower because my husband was not sensitive to my feelings and if i cried in front of him he would get mad...my house looked like cr*ap..i had a laundry room full of dirty clothes....I TOO wanted to just walk away from it all...I figured that it was easier because otherwise having twin infants was going to be my slow death...

and then one day it was like a switch...things DID get better....gradually they started sleeping longer, they stopped spitting up as much.....Danielles colic went away...Deanna wasnt as gassy....and now they are so much fun. They are sleeping all night....they laugh..the talk to each other...they are trying to move around....They both sleep 11-12hrs, they both are on the same night and day routine so they nap together at the same time.. they are used to each other cries so they dont wake each other up.....so trust me from someone who was in your exact same shoes that it DOES get better, you are at the point where you will not believe me, but trust me it does....
This post made me feel so much better. Thank you.
post #10 of 38


I don't have any ideas, but I am right there with you. My twins are 9 weeks today, DS is extremely high-needs, DD is 2 1/2, and DH works and is doing a master's degree. I'm poor so no hired help and my family, friends, and neighbors are all working during the day so it's just me and the babies and DD all day. Some days by 1 pm all four of us are crying. On Wed. I called my mom at lunchtime and told her I was going to run away from home. My house is nasty and I'm nursing so often I don't even bother putting a shirt on most days. It's hell some days, isn't it?

I've found that getting outside helps a lot. They scream bloody murder when I put them in their carseats, but they stop as soon as we get moving (most of the time, at least), and if DD gets out she will sleep better at night, and getting out keeps me sane. It's hard to get over the fear of being stuck in public with three crying kids, but you can go places where it's easier to nurse or to parks where nobody's around to hear them. It really does help. I just started it this week, an outing every day, and I'm feeling much better about life in general.
post #11 of 38


It *will* get easier, but it is SOOOOOOOOOOO hard right now. Everything the PPs have suggested is helpful -- outside help, paying for help, church, calling a school to see if there is a community service project and someone could come and volunteer, a multiples group, boy or girl scouts, etc. I don't know if it's possible for your DH to take a short leave -- a little time now can make a big difference in everyone's health (and mental health) down the road).

But you are not alone. Those early days are a huge blur to me, they were just soooooo hard, and I think I kind of blocked a lot of it out of my memory. FWIW, I found things got easier at six weeks (when they started smiling), at four months, and at nine months. But that doesn't make a ton of difference at this moment, which is what you have to get through. Are there any MDC mamas nearby who could help??

Thinking of you and sending you hugs and all good wishes.
post #12 of 38
Put them both in swings, turn up some loud, fun, dancing music that you like to sing to, and Sing and Dance with your oldest until the babies are sleeping. I did this regularly with mine. In fact, so often, that when the babies were old enough, they would direct to music instead of dance (because I "directed" orchestras while they were in the swings ).

Where are you? Look up your local twins groups, LLL, mom's group, or even a church that is close (even if you aren't a member!!). Ask for help!!

Put a note on your door "No Visitors Allowed!!! but anyone bearing food and willing to work for an hour, can hold a baby afterward." Then put list of jobs on your fridge for people to pick from.
post #13 of 38
You sound SO much like me when mine were smaller. I was so incredibly overwhelmed and sat here crying most days because I just did not know what else to do. My ds was 2.5 yrs when my twins were born and he was always a high needs child and became more so once they were born and I could not come anywhere near meeting his needs. I felt like such a failure because I did not have 1 happy child in the house. I was barely meeting the basic needs of them all and had no more to give above that. Thankfully I was blessed with great sleepers (at night at least, not much durring the day) and I think that is the only thing that got me through it. Is there any way your dh can take 1 semester off? I can not imagine being home that much alone. I am sure you have heard this a lot but it really is true. It does get better. They get older and start to play and crawl and walk and it changes everything. The 1st year is SO hard but it does get better from there
post #14 of 38
So glad you had a better day!

It does help to know it's not just you, it's the nature of the beast. :
post #15 of 38
Haven't read other responses, but YES it gets better!

In the meantime, a great idea, I didn't hear until mine were older, was to find a pre-teen girl to hire to help you out. She's too young for "real" jobs (babysitting, or otherwise) so generally are happy with low pay. They're young enough to still be willing to PLAY w/ toddlers, instead of being "too cool" (obviously all these are generalizations, but these were reasons given on the group I was on, why moms found hiring pre-teens to work well). And they're old enough to help with light household things like doing the dishes or folding laundry as needed as well.
post #16 of 38
I could have written your post almost verbatim about 21 months ago! My ODD turned 2, five days before my twins were born. I had NO help...I tried the young girl idea, but to be honest, it wasn't a huge help. It seemed like on the days she came, the twins slept for those two hours, and the days she didn't come everything was chaos.

Also, I understand the fantasies about driving away or getting a job. I had many, MANY escape fantasies.

When did that start to change for me? It ebbed and flowed. Around 6 months, the days were better, but nights were hell. Someone was always up until midnight screaming and waking the other one up. At 12 months, it was nicer in that they were good walkers, so in and out of the car for walking laps around target was a lot easier. But harder because now my then 3 year old had some difficulty adjusting to them being able to get into everything she wanted to do.

Now, now is close to golden. The twins potty trained early (yipppeee!!!), and they LOVE to run and chase and play with their big sister. It's a joy to go to the park now, as everyone likes to slide and swing. Home time is fun, too, because they play dollhouse together or hide-n-seek, etc. It's amazing to see how the twins "get" so much at a younger age because they have an older sibling close to their age. Sure, there are days that are rough, but NOTHING like in the first year!!

OH, and about your DH...the best thing I did in regards to helping DH with the twins is I got a part-time job at a little specialty toy store. It really made him get a grip on what having twins was like (I just did this back in Oct. so the twins were about 18 months old). My first day, mind you, I only worked a 3 hour shift, he hugged me when I got home, tears in his eyes and said, "Wow, I really had no idea." It has really helped to heal the resentful feelings I felt in the early days, and has made him and the kids all so much closer. HE EVEN TAKES ALL THREE OF THEM TO THE GROCERY STORE ALONE EVERY WEEKEND NOW WHILE I'M AT WORK!! I call that major progress, lol!

Wow, I got really long-winded. I hope you gained some hope from at least some of it. If you want to chat, pm me any time. Really, I've been where you are and I would be happy to lend an ear any time.

HUGS mama!
post #17 of 38
I don't have twins but I saw your post and could have wrote the exact same thing! I cried so much and so hard on Thursday that my eyes were still burning and puffy late the next day! DS 27 months is *spirted* and has been making me want to pull my hair out lately. DH is gone 15 hours a day 4 days a week for work, so I feel your pain. I felt like walking out on Thursday.

Friday came and told DH exactly the way I felt and what I needed from himto stay sane, literally.

1-HELP!!!!!!!!!! Fold the laundry, take out the trash, dishes, just one job before work and after and plenty on his days off!!

2-Time to shower

3- For him to discipline our son when he is home, not to let him get away with murder as I look like the bad guy and all of him negative feels thrown at me cuz I make him follow the rules.

4- Hold the baby for longer than 1-2 minutes.

5- Help with night duty-you manage DS if he is not asking to nurse

6- Help with the kidos one after noon a week so I can cook and freeze healthy meals for the week that I can just pop in the oven.

7- Change a diaper once in a while

8- Read with DD#1, you don't even have do do anything but listen! (she's 9) so this one doesn't apply to you I guess.

9- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! With anything!


My dh can't change his work schedule as I'm sure your DH has little control over his with school and work. But what about encouraging him not to take over time, to stay home as much as possible and even possibly drop a class or two so you can stay sane and he can help out! If this is not an option plead with him not to take summer school. And focus on the facct that is x amount of days until the end of term.....

HUGS and more HUGS!!!!!!!!
post #18 of 38
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mama View Post
I don't have twins but I saw your post and could have wrote the exact same thing! I cried so much and so hard on Thursday that my eyes were still burning and puffy late the next day! DS 27 months is *spirted* and has been making me want to pull my hair out lately. DH is gone 15 hours a day 4 days a week for work, so I feel your pain. I felt like walking out on Thursday.

Friday came and told DH exactly the way I felt and what I needed from himto stay sane, literally.

1-HELP!!!!!!!!!! Fold the laundry, take out the trash, dishes, just one job before work and after and plenty on his days off!!

2-Time to shower

3- For him to discipline our son when he is home, not to let him get away with murder as I look like the bad guy and all of him negative feels thrown at me cuz I make him follow the rules.

4- Hold the baby for longer than 1-2 minutes.

5- Help with night duty-you manage DS if he is not asking to nurse

6- Help with the kidos one after noon a week so I can cook and freeze healthy meals for the week that I can just pop in the oven.

7- Change a diaper once in a while

8- Read with DD#1, you don't even have do do anything but listen! (she's 9) so this one doesn't apply to you I guess.

9- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! With anything!


My dh can't change his work schedule as I'm sure your DH has little control over his with school and work. But what about encouraging him not to take over time, to stay home as much as possible and even possibly drop a class or two so you can stay sane and he can help out! If this is not an option plead with him not to take summer school. And focus on the facct that is x amount of days until the end of term.....

HUGS and more HUGS!!!!!!!!
I am sorry, and I do appreciate your attempt at giving advice, and I hope this isn't too harsh- but your post was extremely out of place here.

I don't care how many kids you have... unless you have dealt with two extremely needy newborns, no. You have NO idea. And when people with singletons tell MoMs that "they know how we feel," it really negates the whole thing.

Again, I appreciate your response, but posting here trying to sympathize would be like posting to the SN forum saying you know what it's like to have an SN/disabled kid because your DC broke their arm once.
post #19 of 38
I gets better, it gets better, it gets better, it gets better, I promise you it gets better.

My twins are now 3 and my son is 5, and even though I think I was pretty stoic (???) and capable when they were little-er, MAN, when I look back now? I was getting my ASS KICKED.

It gets better. I promise you, it gets better. Hang in there.

(Your photos in your sig, by the way - beautiful babies!!!)

kathy
post #20 of 38
also, i couldn't tell you if it's PPD or not, but yeah - it's definitely all overwhelming - no help, babies, and a household to maintain. are you nursing them? if you are, do you think you can get out to a LLL meeting? are there any mothers-of-multiples groups in your area? You could probably get in contact with them and just let them know you're overwhelmed & maybe someone who remembers what it's like can give you a hand. Are you on the east coast, near me? I'd be happy to give you a hand!

It also helped me to find a super cheap church basement preschool near me and enroll my son 2 mornings a week. Getting to the park helped me find a few local friends, and even if they couldn't help with taking the kids, I could invite them over & they'd understand if I needed to grab a shower while they were there, or I'd head to them just to get out of the house.

I remember the weather changing after my girls were born (in Feb.) and trying to get out to a park so my son could run around. I was sitting on a bench with them, and the park was next to a river. There was a fence, but just one of those wooden fence post things, and my son ran towards some ducks who then flew into the water. I had to drop both girls on the ground and BOOK to him to keep him from going in. Even though nothing happened, everything was fine, la la la, it was truly one of those times that I just remember wanting to throw in the towel.

Good luck!
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