Four Seems To Be A Challenging Age

[amydawnsmommy]

DD is four and it seems that age four comes with many, many questions, lots of interrupting, a lack of listening skills, a lack of patience and lots of testing.

Some days I get so frustrated knowing that DD won't do things she can do on her own. It's not all the time but enough that it is frustrating.

I remember my girlfriend yelling at her four year old son a lot and I felt so bad for him. Now I understand why his mom was so frustrated!

Anyone else finding age four a challenge?

[fyoosh]

Yes, though my son is approaching 4.5, and he's starting to get a little more cooperative. The big change came when I decided to implement a STRICT schedule for bedtime (9pm -- yes, it is late, but he used to go to bed between 11-1130! -- we read three books, turn off the light, talk for ten minutes, quiet for 5 or so minutes, then I give him a kiss and say goodnight before I leave the room) and for waking up (certain time he has to be dressed, certain time we have to leave, etc). Once we started this schedule, he has been WONDERFUL. It's completely amazing. I think he wasn't getting enough sleep before, even though he's a night owl like my hubby and I.

I did not like three through the first couple months of four at all.

[caligirl]

My DD turned 4 in Feb

Everyone said to "watch out", 4 is a difficult age.

Then it happened.

The wonderful kid I had always known gets easily frustrated (which involved heavy panting type breathing while shaking her arms and head and yelling "no no no no")
She constantly interrupts me. Never leaves me alone for a Second even if I tell her I need a few minutes to myself and set her up with a favorite activity, she'll come find me to "do it with her".
Refuses to dress or undress herself even though she has been able to do it since she was 3.
The list goes on.

Last weekend we implemented a "reward chart" that she gets to put stickers on the chart for good behavior (no "fits", no whining, cooperate, clean up your mess when you are done, be quiet when your sister is napping). After the week is over and she has not missed a whole lot of sticker boxes, she gets to pick a "prize" out of a bag of stuff I picked up at the dollar store (stickers, coloring books, etc).

OK so maybe she doesn't go the whole day without doing some of these things, but I can tell she is really trying and if she gets out of control I remind her about the chart and she improves.

Hopefully this will work for a while because my DH travels away from home 4 straight days out of the week, every week, and some days I really just cannot cope.

Oh and I also have a 20 month old starting some classic 2yo behavior if you know what I mean Yeah for me!!!

[babygirl24]

Yes and no. She sometimes does this where it is mommy mommy mommy daddy daddy daddy question after question after question. And then the play with my 24 hours a day thing. But there are days and times where she will play on her own. It usually depends on my mood and what my day has been like. I love to answer her questions and fill her little sponge with info when I am in the mood. It is so cute what she absorbs and remembers!

[Rio Mama]

We started the sticker chart shortly after my son turned 4! Sounds very similar to Caligirl's: no whining in public parts of the house, let the baby nap, play gently with the baby, clean up toys, etc. At the end of the week, he gets to choose money (10 cents per sticker up to about a couple dollars) or to reclaim toys that have been confiscated due to having been left out as tripping hazards, choking hazards, or eyesores. This week he chose a combination & was able to buy himself some Play-doh to replace the hardened Play-doh he'd left uncovered.

The sticker chart is the most successful when I leave it where he can see it, reward him daily with stickers so that he feels like he's accomplishing something, and remember to bear in mind that he really wants to be helpful, adventurous, and little, all at the same time. His enthusiasm sometimes overpowers his ability to listen, but working on joint projects (reading, gardening, cooking, etc.) is a great way to bond.

[bigeyes]

odd

I loved the terrible twos, the threes and the fours.

I am having trouble with the tweens. It's funny how we all have our triggers.

I guess the terrible tweens are my payback for enjoying 2, 3 and 4.

[PumpkinSeeds]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=307611

[DariusMom]

Definitely struggling with four!

I had an unusually easy "toddlerhood" with DS but around the time her turned four, he became much more uncooperative, less easygoing, more apt to meltdown over little things, and tested boundaries much more. Very tiring . . . mostly because I've not been used to it!

As the year goes on, it is getting better and, thankfully, he's met some kids in the neighborhood the same age and they play really nicely together, overall, so I can have some time to myself.

Like so many things, I guess it depends on the child.

[amydawnsmommy]

Originally Posted by fyoosh

Yes, though my son is approaching 4.5, and he's starting to get a little more cooperative. The big change came when I decided to implement a STRICT schedule for bedtime (9pm -- yes, it is late, but he used to go to bed between 11-1130! -- we read three books, turn off the light, talk for ten minutes, quiet for 5 or so minutes, then I give him a kiss and say goodnight before I leave the room) and for waking up (certain time he has to be dressed, certain time we have to leave, etc). Once we started this schedule, he has been WONDERFUL. It's completely amazing. I think he wasn't getting enough sleep before, even though he's a night owl like my hubby and I.

Thanks for sharing fyoosh.

We are getting better at being more strict with bedtimes and mornings before school. And Hope is happier for it, so are we!

[amydawnsmommy]

Originally Posted by babygirl24

Yes and no. She sometimes does this where it is mommy mommy mommy daddy daddy daddy question after question after question. And then the play with me 24 hours a day thing. But there are days and times where she will play on her own. It usually depends on my mood and what my day has been like. I love to answer her questions and fill her little sponge with info when I am in the mood. It is so cute what she absorbs and remembers!

The ongoing questions really get to me. Sometimes it's nice to teach her but sometimes it is just annoying!!!

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by itdoesntsck2bme

Am I the only one who isn't struggling that much with four? It's challenging, but sooooo much better than 2 or 3. The tantrums are almost gone. The imagination has taken over. there's ability to reason, understand logic.

It's not easy, by any means. i do think it takes more energy in general. but I'm seriously loving my dd after two years of just feeling frustrated! I'm finding four the be the best age since the pre-walking stage. LOL

That's how I was with my first son. 1 was mellow. 2 was mellow. 3 was mellow. Then 3 1/2 was absolutely horrid. He had melt-downs several times a day over the tiniest things. I remember asking my dh if we should get him evaluated because I was worried about him. Then, when he turned 4, he reverted to his old self again. 4 was easy with him. I remember he became more adventurous and open-minded to new things. I could reason with him again.

Right now, my youngest is 3 1/2. And it's horrid. He freaks out over everything and digs his heels in over everything. He refuses to do really basic stuff like pee (at all) because he must be in control of everything and refusing to cooperate gives him control. He is very hard to reason with. I was actually driven to the point of crying on Friday. It's SO hard, like a ride I can't get off. So, I'm looking forward to 4, because it HAS to be easier than 3 1/2. It really can't get any worse. The only annoying thing I remember about 4 is that they talk non-stop and ask non-stop questions. But I would greatly prefer that to screaming and biting my arm.

[newmommy]

okay, now I really was counting on Age 4

3 has/IS very hard for me.

[sadie_sabot]

oh yeah, my 4yo refuses to dress herself too, after doing it ehrself for a long time.


It's encouraging to me to hear I am not the only one struggling with 4.

I'd love to hear other people's strategies for coping. For a variety of reasons the sticker thing isn't for us; but it's good to hear that there are things that work!!

[ilikethedesert]

I hear you! When dd first turned four I noticed alot of what you mention. I tried to be patient and listen to her needs. Not alway easy and I found myself silently counting to 5 before I replied. (I used to count to 10 but she'd have asked me the SAME QUESTION ABOUT 8 more times before I reached 10 so now I count just to 5).

Happily, though I have notices a huge change in the last month or so. She is super cooperative and really understanding her actions and emotions more. It's like the baby in them acts up just before it matures into a little girl! We can actually hold real conversations where she asks and listens. It's pretty cool.

Hopefully you will see the same development with yours.
Good luck! Hanf in there,

[marieangela]

Yep, four is definitely challenging for me. Lots of questions, needs me all the time, sitting down to eat meals has gotten worse, constantly testing my limits. As a pp mentioned, ds1 was a rather easy toddler. I don't remember much in the way of tantrums. He never did play by himself a whole lot, but he wasn't so demanding. I find myself on the verge of breaking down sometimes, telling him that "Mommy needs some time to do what she needs to do and can't spend all day doing what you want her to do!"
I keep thinking about sticker charts and such, but they aren't really my thing. I do need to come up with something, though.

[MamaE]

I am also finding 4 challenging. The limit testing is really getting to me and I have no idea how to deal with it. Am I supposed to get stricter or more lenient?? Stricter is what my instincts tell me, but DD is stubborn like her daddy (or is it like her mommy?).

Interested to see what others say.

[sungrrl42]

OMG! YES! I was just coming on here to post a PLEASE HELP. My DS turned 4 in October & has gone from the sensitive, loving, patient little boy I knew into this raging temper tantrum machine. I was starting to freak out a little. It does help to know that other 4y/o mommas are having the same issues.
Part of my frustration is that I'm trying sooooo hard to GD but he's pushing me to yelling, making threats (as in taking away stuff) & just totally questioning my parenting abilities. I can't figure out the positive re-inforcement thing. Maybe I'll try the sticker chart for good behavior. I'm beating myself up for punishing for bad behavior but I'm just so tired of it. My biggest concern is his hitting me, ok not hitting hitting but if I say he can't do something he'll give me a little push or walk by & push into me. Also doing this to his little sister, sometimes without provacation to her. We're so NOT a hitting family & it's driving me nuts! I've tried keeping calm & explaining to him why it's not ok & how else to release anger buts it's not sticking. He'll do it & then automatically say/cry/scream "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" "I forgot not to do that". He goes to Tae Kwon Do, which has been awesome for him & for me. At the end of class they play a game & if they've had any bad behavior in class they have to sit out & the instructor asks how they've been at home & if the parents say so they can sit out. He's never had to sit out, no one usually does. He's on his best behavior there as well as at school, really any place else but at home. I think I'm actually going to say he has to sit out because of the hitting thing. God, I feel so guilty but I think I need to do soemthing that's going to have a BIG impact.
Also if I try to discipline him in any way, even just by talking about how what he's doing is not ok. He starts to cry & say "I'm a bad boy. I'm the worst kid. You don't want to spend time with me bacuse I'm bad. Etc" I try never to say "bad" b/c I was a early childhood teacher b4 staying home & that's part of my training that has totally stayed with me so it kills me when he says this. I say "You're not a bad boy, I just think you need to make better choices". I say " I love you even though you're hurting me but it would make me feel better if you figured out another way to be angry, do you know any?" I'm trying so hard to follow the same things I would have done in the classroom but with my own kid they just sound silly. I'm going to try to make a list of suggestions, go over it with DH & put a new strategy into play because something's gotta change or I might be nutty before he's 5. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

[Rio Mama]

So much for my sticker chart! On Wednesday, my 4yo had the biggest meltdown. He couldn't make up his mind about whether he wanted to stay and play with his friends at preschool and come home later with his dad, or leave with me and the baby right then. We walked back in and then out 5 times. I had a bus to catch.

Finally, I figured he was tired and might feel abandoned if I left him, so I took his hand and told him we were leaving. He screamed the entire two blocks to the bus stop. I told him people were looking at him - no effect. As we got on the bus, I told him he had to be quiet, otherwise the bus driver might call the police. So he stopped screaming, but started telling me very loudly, "I'm very angry with you. We're getting off the bus at the next stop. I'm very very angry with you."

As we got closer to home, he kept at it with the "next stop" thing, so I took his approach - I started asking "why?" to everything he said. I'm really glad b/c he told me he was having a really hard time keeping it together on the bus and he needed some space to get his feelings worked out. I resolved to get off one stop early, and I distracted him by pointing out construction vehicles until we were close. It really helped.

We got off one stop early and had a longer walk home than usual, but he really needed it. When we got home, I immediately fed him a snack and talked about how he seemed really tired and that I'd like him to rest in his bed after the snack. He did.

Today we've got the whole day to ourselves (with the baby) & I really hope it goes well.

[newmommy]

Mama. I think you handled everything beautifully!

[gnutter]

I have always thought it was unfair to call the 2's terrible. Parents think that is as bad as it gets and are blown away by 4. for ds #2 it was 3.5 for a week we thought it was the cold medicine we gave him-it was that sudden of a temperment change. But no it was just his "personality blooming" thats the nicest way to say it I can think of. You now have a full fledged child on your hands-and if ds#1 was any indication what they are like at 4 is how they are at 13 too. They do seem to mellow out some between 5-8. Most days my 7 yo is my easiest child. the 16yo and baby seem to be the most challenging. So its not forever-these difficult stages come and go.