How to help a 2yr old manage anger?

[JustVanessa]

My son is almost 2 and has started getting violent when things don't go his way. He scratches me, hits and throws things at me. This morning he asked for a banana and when I gave him one he just squished it up and made a mess. After I cleaned it up he asked for another banana. I said No, you can't have one b/c you didn't eat the last one. Then he reached out and scratched me. Last night he tried pushing his highchair up to the stove while I was cooking. I said No ds, not safe, very hot and showed him it was hot. Then I put him down and pushed the highchair back to the table. He freaked out and threw a roasting pan off the table and it hit me in the leg.

I know that these things are happening b/c he is frustrated with how things are going and can't communicate his desires to me and doesn't quite understand when I explain why he can't do whatever it is.

Any suggestions on how to help ds be angry without being violent?

[moderngal]

I don't have advice, but I will be reading along... we're going through a similar stage here.

[VOBetz]

I don't know if my advice will work for you, but I thought that I would throw it out there anyway. Although I feel "less than qualified".

My son is almost 2 as well and I've started noticing his frustration level rising when things don't go his way. At this point, he's not gotten violent (other than the occasional hit). However, what I've been trying to do is articulate what I think his feelings are.

Example.....

He wants the TV remote to play with. I don't want him to have it. This is a common struggle, so the reason that I don't want him to have it varies and is unimportant.

He in response to me saying no and trying offer another "toy" - screams in frustration. At this point, I usually look at him and say something to the effect of. ..

"Oh man, that is frustrating for you. You don't want the _____ you want the remote. Momma can't give you the remote right now because xyz. That is so frustrating. But you can play with ______. Or in just a minute, we can read a book, or go play with your legos."

He actually listens to me through all that and seems to calm down, once he knows that I understand what he wants and I have also helped him put words to the feelings he is has.

[DevaMajka]

I am a huge fan of-
Give Information
Honor the Impulse/Empathize
Give an Acceptable Alternative

What I'd do for a situation like that would be to say "I don't like to be hit. If you are angry, you can x" And x can be anything from growl like a lion, jump up and down, to say "I'm MAD!!" or anything.

If you're already doing that, then I can't be much more help! I hope you get some good advice!

[veggiekicks]

We're going though a very similar stage right now, too. I try to explain the why, voice what I think he's feeling and offer alternative behaviors... glad to hear I'm on the right track...and looking forward to hearing more ideas.

[PlayaMama]

I'm in pretty much the same boat. I have a 2-1/2 year old and I am not sure if I'm being too permissive but I find that when I let him participate/explore what he wants, it avoids the confrontation.

An example would be using a knife for cutting while cooking. I let him use the knife to cut things like bell pepper, celery, pretty much whatever, BUT when something is too slippery or he isn't using the knife with respect I explain and set limits. I had a six year old neighbor kid come over and say, "You let him use the knife?"

Sometimes, and I hate to do this, I have to pull the "That's just the way it is." and take away whatever is causing the problem. A statement that really works for us is, "You need to practice your patience right now." (This works when he says it to me too!)

The best book I've found for communicating with kids so far is "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children". If only I could communicate with my mate the same way :

[rachellanigh]

I have a son who just turned two and I must say that sometimes nothing seems to help (on the surface). I've tried many gentle discipline techniques, "you seem angry"..."you may not hit me"....but have found that sometimes you just have to ride it out. Its a natural expression of emotions anyways and they are learning to assert their will. I think once they do get to be 2.5 or older they will be able to deal better with some of the "word" techniques. Which is still very important to place emphasis on....you are not alone anyways!

[Bindweed]