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what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 10

post #181 of 305
Soooo, I don't understand. Regardless of what you have in your parenting agreements, nothing happens if the agreements are violated? Unless you go back to court? Isn't it already a court order? Does the police enforce those?
post #182 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by akichan View Post
Soooo, I don't understand. Regardless of what you have in your parenting agreements, nothing happens if the agreements are violated? Unless you go back to court? Isn't it already a court order? Does the police enforce those?
excuse the typos tonight...

stbx & I actually get along decently & we really only have interactions dealing with dd, but from what I've seen it's one thing to have something in the decree and another to follow it. A good friend has an awful divorce & her x is not doing many of the things listed. There is nothing she can do but document it, and will bring it back to court to amend the agreement. For example, since hw is not consistently done & the kids are not prepared for school, she'll be asking to amend their agreement & not have them stay over during the week.

ANd from what I've seen, the police enforce what is in the agreement - child is returned at x time but it's now y o'clock so they can be there when you get your child without a fight. It's not like the police can enforce all the parenting related things. Financially you can document, but it will cost you more to go to court each time he doesn't pay for something, so it's more beneficial to document and have something adjusted as lump later on.

Hope that made sense - I'm kinda tired & rambling on.
post #183 of 305
*bump*
post #184 of 305
i'll come back later and write down some of these brilliant ideas. thanks for your collective wisdom, ladies!

what about clothing? i'm sure that stbx will never ever buy the kids so much as socks. i'll be living on 150$/ month (after rent) and so keeping the kids clothed will be hard. can i ask him for a clothing allowance, or ask him to pay for 1/2 of everything, then keep receipts?
post #185 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by josybear View Post
i'll come back later and write down some of these brilliant ideas. thanks for your collective wisdom, ladies!

what about clothing? i'm sure that stbx will never ever buy the kids so much as socks. i'll be living on 150$/ month (after rent) and so keeping the kids clothed will be hard. can i ask him for a clothing allowance, or ask him to pay for 1/2 of everything, then keep receipts?

You can ask, but he doesn't have to agree. The only thing that he has to pay is what is in the court order. BTW, child support covers clothing for the kid(s) so it is doubtful that even if he agrees to it, it would be upheld. Kind of falls into the morality clauses category, those aren't enforced either.
post #186 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by josybear View Post
i'll come back later and write down some of these brilliant ideas. thanks for your collective wisdom, ladies!

what about clothing? i'm sure that stbx will never ever buy the kids so much as socks. i'll be living on 150$/ month (after rent) and so keeping the kids clothed will be hard. can i ask him for a clothing allowance, or ask him to pay for 1/2 of everything, then keep receipts?
Are you getting child support? That's the point of child support. Seems like if you only have $150 a month after rent then there's a bigger issue than clothing. Do you have any other living options? Family that can help?
post #187 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
Are you getting child support? That's the point of child support. Seems like if you only have $150 a month after rent then there's a bigger issue than clothing. Do you have any other living options? Family that can help?
i may or may not get child support starting in july, that remains to be seen. i can live on that little, i've done it before. i'd rather not, though. if i end up not getting child support i'll apply for student loans so i'll have more to live on in september. in the meantime i'm looking for a job. the $ will work out.
post #188 of 305
these are the things that we've agreed on (or hopefully will soon)
Quote:
  • Access to be as agreed by both parties. In the absence of agreement, the following shall apply: The children will stay with alternating parents in a two week repeating schedule. They will stay with Party 1 for 72 hours, then the Party 2 for 72 hours, then Party 1 for 48 hours then Party 2 for 48 hours. The exception to this will be ds2, who will not spend more than one consecutive night with his father until he is at least 30 months old and is deemed ready by both parties.
  • If either party is more than 15 minutes late picking up or dropping off the children that time must be made up to the party kept waiting.
  • Both parties claim the right of first refusal.
  • That if we ever had to go back to court because we could not work things out... HE paid all legal fees.
  • -A full background check is provided to the other when one of us plans on living with someone.
  • requiring that he have life insurance with you as the beneficiary.
  • No smoking in front of the children
  • No more than 3 drinks in a 24 hour period and no illegal substances starting 12 hours before the visit, ending after the children are dropped off with the other party
could anyone copy out the language in your own agreements that communicates any of these things, or anything similar that i might be able to modify to fit what i need to say? i tried to make that first one sound official, but it took forever and was exhausting. if i want this done by thursday i'll have to do it myself, and i'm no lawyer, believe you me.
sooooo.... anyone?
post #189 of 305
bump
post #190 of 305
This thread is genius...thank you so much.

I put in that DH cannot have DS for overnight visits until he receives documented and long term anger management counseling, and he must have adequate housing in the form of a house or apartment (since he's living in our camper right now).

Also, if he pushes for joint custody and I eventually have to give on that, I will require that I get sole discretion of where DS goes to school.
post #191 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
you can require that he carry a life insurance policy that your child is the beneficiary of. I don't know if that money would be available to you though to use though? they would also be entitled to SS benefits if he died (provided they would have otherwise qualified). you may also take out a life insurance policy on him with you or the children as the beneficiary.
The life insurance should go into a trust for your child in the event of father's death, and someone both parents agree on should be the executor of the trust. The executor can dispense money for legitimate needs while the child is a minor and child can get bulk when s/he reaches the age that you specify (29 is the usual number, I think, so it doesn't all get spent on partying when they're 18). I believe this is how it works, but check with your lawyer!
post #192 of 305
bump
post #193 of 305
While my separation is completely amicable at this point and all our custody issues are non-contested... I wish I'd been more specific. So that if things got hairy in the future, we'd both be more covered. Oh well!
post #194 of 305
This is a great thread so I am just giving it a bump. I also don't understand why it isn't a stickie.

thanks to everyone who has contributed to it - I have drafted a parenting plan and hopefully we will start discussing it on Thursday.
post #195 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by MtBikeLover View Post
This is a great thread so I am just giving it a bump. I also don't understand why it isn't a stickie.

thanks to everyone who has contributed to it - I have drafted a parenting plan and hopefully we will start discussing it on Thursday.
It was a sticky for quite a while and then it was taken down. I don't know why, it's an important thread and a great resource.
post #196 of 305
subbing

will have to come back later.
post #197 of 305
Thread Starter 
can't believe this thread is still alive...glad it's been of some use.
post #198 of 305
I'm bumping this thread in case I need it in the future.

I'm still reading over what everyone else wrote (thank you! I think the "right of first refusal" is especially important.)

Did anyone get extremely specific in your parenting plans, such as:

My ds is often hungry right before bed, and dh will just complain that he didn't eat enough for dinner and put him to bed hungry. (Ds is 7.) I'll go to ds and tell him that he can get up and eat if he wants to.

So could a parenting plan state that "child will be accommodated with food upon request" or something similar? Or is that getting too nit-picky?
post #199 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post

So could a parenting plan state that "child will be accommodated with food upon request" or something similar? Or is that getting too nit-picky?
Too nit-picky. Difficult to enforce. Courts won't impose something like this (there's a general assumption that anyone who is fit to have even visitation will feed their kids, but specifics such as whether a kid should have a bedtime snack kind of falls into those day-to-day decisions parents have the right to make).

Also too vague--what does "accommodated" mean? Does it mean if it's clear food is being used for boredom or as a delay tactic, your child still needs to be fed? Does it mean if your child needs to be given specific foods? What if he is offered a banana and refuses it and demands a cookie?

In addition, remember that just about anything you put in a plan can be used against you (as these things generally are enforced on both parents) in court by a jerk. "You and DS were stuck in traffic and YOU DIDN'T BRING A SNACK and he went hungry for 15 whole minutes and now you're violating our agreement." Sure, it probably won't hold up--but you still have the hassle of dealing with it.
post #200 of 305
bump
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