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what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 11

post #201 of 305
In the class I went to they said you could go back and ask for an adjustment of cs if it was 10% or more. So if he's making more or there's a lot more costs...like daycare you can go back and ask for modification on the order.

Right now I'm totally hurting because our kids have so much copays in medicine. ANd he holds control of our flexible spending plan and is probably printing out the receipts for what *I* spent and getting the money. I need suggestions for working out the medical. One kid got approved for medicaid and the other two are being expedited so hopefully this won't be an issue for too long.

Now my medical coverage that is a big issue.
post #202 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by emma_goldman View Post
bumping

has anyone included something like a "mission statement" for co-parenting their children? I would love to do something like this (this is something I wanted to do in therapy before STBX filed for divorce).
I wanted to come up with a set of co-parenting Vows and make those with him in front of witnesses. But it looks like we are heading towards a mainstream divorce where I am struggling not to forget anything.
post #203 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by Labbemama View Post
In the class I went to they said you could go back and ask for an adjustment of cs if it was 10% or more. So if he's making more or there's a lot more costs...like daycare you can go back and ask for modification on the order.

Right now I'm totally hurting because our kids have so much copays in medicine. ANd he holds control of our flexible spending plan and is probably printing out the receipts for what *I* spent and getting the money. I need suggestions for working out the medical. One kid got approved for medicaid and the other two are being expedited so hopefully this won't be an issue for too long.

Now my medical coverage that is a big issue.
Discuss the medical bills and the FSA with your attorney. You may be able to get a court to make him reimburse you.

Also, does the FSA have a Take Care card(mine does)? It works like a credit card. You just use that to pay instead of paying cash and waiting for reimbursement. The catch is that the doctor has to accept credit cards.
This will take your stbx out of the equation. The problem is that you need a card and if your stbx controls the account, then he's probably not going to agree to give you the card. Which means that you have to go to court to force him to.
post #204 of 305
If you have a 529 accounts(s) for your child(ren), there can only be one owner. The secondary doesn't get any information/power to change it unless the first DIES.

So - my stbx doesn't have me listed as the secondary. Or at least, he refuses to answer the question. Does anyone have something written about accounts for the children? I want to remain as the secondary. Actually, I'm fighting for ownership of the accounts (we were traditional when married, EVERYTHING went in his name only) but would be okay if he provides me with internet access to the accounts and/or monthly statements. But it seems totally WRONG for him to put someone other than me as the secondary owner. Especially if I win sole physical custody, right?
post #205 of 305

Here is what I have so far--feedback please

So I have read through this whole thread borrowed some very useful idea's and added my own. Are any of these completely irrational or likely to be tossed out by a Judge? Oh by the way they are worded funny and pretty random. I meet with a Lawyer through my school on Tuesday and would like to have a general Idea of what I want.


I will consult you regarding all major decision but will have sole decision making authority if we cannot come to an agreement.

My home will be considered Liam's Primary residence

Both Parents will agree to make Liam's needs and best interest a priority in all decisions and communications with each other

They will not participate in any behavior that would diminish Liam's love and respect for the other parent.

If there is an accident, serious injury other parent will be called and allowed to come see Liam even if it is not their time

Both Parents and Liam can call at will (within reason as far as times and amount of calls) Liam will not be forced to talk.

Calls to and from Liam by either parent will not be interfered with, monitored, or recorded for use in any future custody litigation, by either party

Calls between parents will not be monitored or recorded for use in any future custody litigation by either party

Both Parties will remain residing within 60 miles of Eugene until Liam is at least 14 and emotionally ready for long distance visits--unless it is deemed unavoidable?????? not sure how to work this one. but we both need to commit to staying here for Liam though I don't think anything like this would fly unless I could figure out how to word it right

Liam be allowed to breastfeed until he chooses to wean

Both parents must provide itinerary if traveling with Liam out of state

50% Visitation is gradual, step wise and according to Liam's needs and readiness

Whoever has the greater tax advantage and return AND does not have outstanding debt that will be garnished from the return will claim him and split the return with the other party

Child support will be based on guidelines

Child care costs and/or School Tuition will be split 50/50 includes summer camps and activities. (I am fine covering them for a while and having the cs based on you contributing to his child care costs but my subsidy in not permanent)--this gets sticky if he never pays his half and CS is based on him paying his half but he is truly unable to pay it right now.

The Van will be payed off or refinanced out of my name by the time the divorce is final.

You will pay half of the credit card debt to Me and I will make payments to Alliance

No passing messages through Liam.

Both parents will claim right of first refusal

You will set up a trust account for Liam listed as beneficiary of your Life insurance policy with annual proof.

A full background check is provided to the other when one of us plans on living with someone.

No smoking in front of the children

No abusing Alcohol and no illegal substances starting 12 hours before the visit, ending after the children are dropped off with the other party


No Driving with Liam if parent has been consuming any alcohol


will not spend more than one consecutive night with Father until he is at least 42 months old and is deemed ready by both parties.

cannot meet significant others until they have been dating for 6 months and parties will both agree to meet the other significant other prior to introducing to Liam

extracurricular over $100 is split based on percentage income

additional medical/dental or therapeutic expenses over 50.00 is split based on percentage of income--this includes prescriptions, copay,braces and regular counseling etc

Homeschooling/alternative/charter/Waldorf and Montessori will all be viable options for Liam's k-12 education
post #206 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamamirranda View Post
So I have read through this whole thread borrowed some very useful idea's and added my own. Are any of these completely irrational or likely to be tossed out by a Judge? Oh by the way they are worded funny and pretty random. I meet with a Lawyer through my school on Tuesday and would like to have a general Idea of what I want.


I will consult you regarding all major decision but will have sole decision making authority if we cannot come to an agreement.
See, this kind of thing is so subjective. Really, you're saying that his opinion doesn't count because you have the final say anyway. I agree that it would be nice to have in there, but I would laugh if someone tried to put that in my agreement.

My home will be considered Liam's Primary residence
Since it sounds like Liam isn't going to be doing overnights yet and he does like with you, I think this is going to sound nit-picky if you propose it. It's obvious that your home is primary, and it may get adversarial if you insist on saying it like that in writing.

Both Parents will agree to make Liam's needs and best interest a priority in all decisions and communications with each other

They will not participate in any behavior that would diminish Liam's love and respect for the other parent.

If there is an accident, serious injury other parent will be called and allowed to come see Liam even if it is not their time

Both Parents and Liam can call at will (within reason as far as times and amount of calls) Liam will not be forced to talk.

Calls to and from Liam by either parent will not be interfered with, monitored, or recorded for use in any future custody litigation, by either party
This will likely already be stock phrasing in the agreement


Calls between parents will not be monitored or recorded for use in any future custody litigation by either party

Both Parties will remain residing within 60 miles of Eugene until Liam is at least 14 and emotionally ready for long distance visits--unless it is deemed unavoidable?????? not sure how to work this one. but we both need to commit to staying here for Liam though I don't think anything like this would fly unless I could figure out how to word it right
I'm pretty sure there will already be a clause in there about how far you will be allowed to move with Liam. Now, I don't really think you can control how far he moves. But my agreement states that if Ex moves farther than XX miles away, we have to go back to mediation to alter the visitation schedule. So he can move if he wants, but he should know that ds may not be coming to visit as much.

Liam be allowed to breastfeed until he chooses to wean
This is just going to make you sound crazy. I'm sorry, but it is DS just weaned himself at 3, and ex didn't even know he was still nursing. No one is going to force you to wean. They may force you to pump, but just keep the extended nursing between you and your son. It looks nuts to the court system.

Both parents must provide itinerary if traveling with Liam out of state
Wish I had this in mine!

50% Visitation is gradual, step wise and according to Liam's needs and readiness
I think you're going to have to be more specific on this. Your ex will look at this and just see that you'll never agree liam is ready. "When Liam shows XX signs of readiness and understands and consents to overnights..." Just Something more detailed.

Whoever has the greater tax advantage and return AND does not have outstanding debt that will be garnished from the return will claim him and split the return with the other party

Child support will be based on guidelines

Child care costs and/or School Tuition will be split 50/50 includes summer camps and activities. (I am fine covering them for a while and having the cs based on you contributing to his child care costs but my subsidy in not permanent)--this gets sticky if he never pays his half and CS is based on him paying his half but he is truly unable to pay it right now.

The Van will be payed off or refinanced out of my name by the time the divorce is final.

You will pay half of the credit card debt to Me and I will make payments to Alliance
Why can't he just pay them directly? I have to say I wouldn't want to give money to my ex and not know what he's going to do with it. I'm not saying you'd just keep it, but that may be the logic that he could argue.

No passing messages through Liam.

Both parents will claim right of first refusal

You will set up a trust account for Liam listed as beneficiary of your Life insurance policy with annual proof.

A full background check is provided to the other when one of us plans on living with someone.


No smoking in front of the children

No abusing Alcohol and no illegal substances starting 12 hours before the visit, ending after the children are dropped off with the other party
The stock phrasing in my agreement was 24-hours before ds' visit. 12 hours and he could still be messed up on something.

No Driving with Liam if parent has been consuming any alcohol


will not spend more than one consecutive night with Father until he is at least 42 months old and is deemed ready by both parties.

cannot meet significant others until they have been dating for 6 months and parties will both agree to meet the other significant other prior to introducing to Liam

extracurricular over $100 is split based on percentage income

additional medical/dental or therapeutic expenses over 50.00 is split based on percentage of income--this includes prescriptions, copay,braces and regular counseling etc

Homeschooling/alternative/charter/Waldorf and Montessori will all be viable options for Liam's k-12 education
Just my thoughts... I think it's pretty good.
post #207 of 305
Thanks to all who have posted here.

Anyone with experience with ex-partners and pot use? Clauses in the parenting agreement seem difficult to enforce, or would one back it up with drug testing? Trying to decide how big of a deal to make it......it's not super-frequent (I think), but is most likely going to occur pretty much forever, as far as I can tell.
post #208 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by junebugmidwife View Post
Thanks to all who have posted here.

Anyone with experience with ex-partners and pot use? Clauses in the parenting agreement seem difficult to enforce, or would one back it up with drug testing? Trying to decide how big of a deal to make it......it's not super-frequent (I think), but is most likely going to occur pretty much forever, as far as I can tell.
As long as there's something in the agreement about no alcohol or drug use within 24 hours of visitation and during all visitation time, I wouldn't worry about it. As long as he's not using it around the kid or under the influence while caring for DC, I don't see a problem with it. A judge is very unlikely to agree to mandatory drug testing for suspected occasional marijuana use, unless you can show that it's affecting his parenting or putting the child at risk.
post #209 of 305
TearyCloud Thanks so much for your feedback I see where you are coming from on most of the things.

"I will consult you regarding all major decision but will have sole decision making authority if we cannot come to an agreement."
"See, this kind of thing is so subjective. Really, you're saying that his opinion doesn't count because you have the final say anyway. I agree that it would be nice to have in there, but I would laugh if someone tried to put that in my agreement".

That is just another way of saying sole custody.

Calls to and from Liam by either parent will not be interfered with, monitored, or recorded for use in any future custody litigation, by either party
This will likely already be stock phrasing in the agreement

True but they don't address recording calls. Ex has a history of recording all of his calls he submitted them in a custody case against his Ex. In Oregon only one party needs to know the call is being recorded for it to be submissive in court.


My home will be considered Liam's Primary residence
Since it sounds like Liam isn't going to be doing overnights yet and he does like with you, I think this is going to sound nit-picky if you propose it. It's obvious that your home is primary, and it may get adversarial if you insist on saying it like that in writing.

True thank you!

Both Parties will remain residing within 60 miles of Eugene until Liam is at least 14 and emotionally ready for long distance visits--unless it is deemed unavoidable?????? not sure how to work this one. but we both need to commit to staying here for Liam though I don't think anything like this would fly unless I could figure out how to word it right
I'm pretty sure there will already be a clause in there about how far you will be allowed to move with Liam. Now, I don't really think you can control how far he moves. But my agreement states that if Ex moves farther than XX miles away, we have to go back to mediation to alter the visitation schedule. So he can move if he wants, but he should know that ds may not be coming to visit as much.

I guess I could live with something like that in there.

Liam be allowed to breastfeed until he chooses to wean
This is just going to make you sound crazy. I'm sorry, but it is DS just weaned himself at 3, and ex didn't even know he was still nursing. No one is going to force you to wean. They may force you to pump, but just keep the extended nursing between you and your son. It looks nuts to the court system.

As it is Li is starting to wean and I think will be done by three, but I wanted something in there showing that he supports Liam's Nursing relationship. I am not thinking he will contest anything but I see your point if bringing that up maybe I should just leave it out.

50% Visitation is gradual, step wise and according to Liam's needs and readiness
I think you're going to have to be more specific on this. Your ex will look at this and just see that you'll never agree Liam is ready. "When Liam shows XX signs of readiness and understands and consents to overnights..." Just Something more detailed.

I hear you. Maybe the lawyer I meet with will have some advice on this one. I think I can set up ages that the changes in visitations can take place, but my concern is what if he is not ready at the age I thought he would be.

You will pay half of the credit card debt to Me and I will make payments to Alliance
Why can't he just pay them directly? I have to say I wouldn't want to give money to my ex and not know what he's going to do with it. I'm not saying you'd just keep it, but that may be the logic that he could argue.

He has never shown that he can pay his bills on time, the debt on those cards is in my name only and if he doesn't pay them I get screwed.


No abusing Alcohol and no illegal substances starting 12 hours before the visit, ending after the children are dropped off with the other party
The stock phrasing in my agreement was 24-hours before ds' visit. 12 hours and he could still be messed up on something.

I think I will just keep it to the illegal substance one but for 24 hours, I trust him to manage alcohol intake responsibly. But I am not sure I would like it if he started smoking pot again. Oh I don't know on some levels I trust him to make good decisions here others I don't. Blah

Again thank you so much.
post #210 of 305
Sorry I don't have time to read the whole thread BUT if I were to change one thing it would have been the wording on visitation.

I found in MI that 'reasonable visitation' has no limits. My ex chose not to return my dd when she was 2 & I spent almost a year battling the courts to get her back because there was no time frame on when he had to return her.

So I guess I would have it set at 'every other weekend' or something specific at least.
post #211 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamamirranda View Post
You will pay half of the credit card debt to Me and I will make payments to Alliance
Why can't he just pay them directly? I have to say I wouldn't want to give money to my ex and not know what he's going to do with it. I'm not saying you'd just keep it, but that may be the logic that he could argue.

He has never shown that he can pay his bills on time, the debt on those cards is in my name only and if he doesn't pay them I get screwed.
I believe that it is true (from a little workshop done by a divorce lawyer) that if you are not using a card, you can take your name off of it by contacting the card company. You should talk to your attorney about that one--you don't want to be babysitting that card forever.
post #212 of 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by junebugmidwife View Post
I believe that it is true (from a little workshop done by a divorce lawyer) that if you are not using a card, you can take your name off of it by contacting the card company. You should talk to your attorney about that one--you don't want to be babysitting that card forever.
The cards are closed, but was only ever in my name, his credit is not good enough so all the debt went on my name. Even his custody trial for his other 3 kids. I think he is going to have a hard enough time figuring out how to get the van out of my name. I believe I will be sucking it up and dealing with my losses here. If it gets bad I can always file bankruptcy. I wanted to avoid that though.
post #213 of 305
Subbing because I need a good list for settlement ideas. I hadn't thought to ask for 50% of extracurriculars and right now those are draining me. Single full time student mama + two busy kids = oh hai ramen for dinner anyone?
OK, not really yet, but I can see it going that way if we don't get a decent settlement because ballet, soccer, scouting, religious ed, and healthy food don't come really cheap.
post #214 of 305
bumping...

Is there anyway to get this stickied again? Or added to the resource thread?
post #215 of 305

bump

This thread is amazingly useful!! I've taken 3 pages worth of notes as I am meeting with my attorney on Monday.


As far as religion, diet, homeschooling, vaccinations, TV exposure, etc....if I get both sole legal and sole physical custody, do I need to add these things into the parenting agreement/plan? Or can I just make these decisions outside of court and expect the father to follow them if I get sole legal?
post #216 of 305
If I could go back I'd make sure that our agreement stated that post-divorce the filing party would pay the defendant's legal fees if they did not abide by the agreement to mediate prior to filing anything.

In my case, hopefully the court will soon start requiring this of my litigious xh anyway. But having it in place before you get to 4 court hearings in a year could be hugely helpful!!!
post #217 of 305
so glad i found this thread! i have my second mediation in a couple of days & am hungry for ideas/suggestions from other AP mums.

a pp mentioned that her X laughed at a lot of the things she proposed for the agreement & ended up just signing a basic custody schedule. i think this is similar to my situation. even just sorting the schedule is taking so much energy, that fighting through smaller details just seems too daunting. he'll see it as me trying to control the way he parents, *even* if he agrees with what i'm saying. but i would like to include these:

*first refusal clause- i had never heard of that before, it's a good one!
*other parent is called if child has serious injury (worthy of hospital/urgent DR visit)
*medical decisions to be made jointly (medications, procedures, etc)
*no smoking around kids
*both parties to be kept informed of any out-of-region travel
*neither party will talk badly about the other to the children

i want to add this one, but wonder if it would open a whole new can of worms:

*i will be allowed to obtain passports for the children on the agreement that i am not to leave the country without father's knowledge & consent

currently he has a block so that i can't even get passports for them. i am a US citizen & NZ resident. i really want to have passports so that if something happened with my family & i needed to go see them asap, bringing my children with me was at least an option we could discuss. if they don't have passports, it wouldn't even be a possibility. do you think i'm pushing it? we just split up in november, so things are still pretty fresh.
post #218 of 305
BUMP!

This has some GREAT advice!

I'm glad someone pulled it out of the past.
post #219 of 305
subbing!
post #220 of 305
I would definitely define necessity for our right of first refusal clause. While I love it, and it was intended so that we would actually be with our kids when we have parenting time, it has led to some paranoia.

My lawyer has since told me that any judge would laugh us out of court if, for example, I went out for a few hours and left the kids with someone else. It isn't "parenting time" I'm avoiding if my friend is over and I run to the grocery, for example. Likewise, my ex has left two kids with his girlfriend while he runs the third child to an extracurricular, and I know he is paranoid I'm going to call him on it. The one time I encountered it, when I dropped off water bottles at their sports activity, and was expecting to see the other child with him, he really seemed concerned I would flip out on him, when in truth, I'd have done the same thing.

I would, if I had it to do again, say something like "for more than 4 hours when the kids are awake" or something. Who cares if a babysitter is sitting in a home with sleeping kids while he or I go to a movie? Last night, I went out to dinner with my girlfriends. I left at 6:30pm. If it had been my weekend, I may have missed an hour and a half before bedtime with my kids - hardly a huge deal for non-infant kiddos who sleep through the night. It would have been ridiculous to have them go spend the night at Daddy's for that, and I couldn't have just picked them up after my dinner, as they were already in bed, and also would've missed out on the morning routine, shuffled them back and forth, etc.
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