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what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 12

post #221 of 287
2/22/10 at 3:19pm
Speaking as an outside observer:

I see so many kids that can't go to their sports games or scouting activities because it is thier "dad's weekend". Kids should not have to give up their activities because the other parent can't be bothered to make the effort. Visitation should not make the kids life hard or stressful.

There should also be some agreement about parents moving out of town. 3hr oneway drives to visit a parent for a day and a half only to have a 3hr drive back home every other weekend is insaine and very stressful on the kids. I've seen parents try to go back after the fact and have custody altered with NO luck. Prepare for contingencies. If one parent moves more than ____ hrs away, custody should will be changed to _____ (appropriate for the travel distance).

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post #222 of 287
3/31/10 at 5:01am
I especially like the following items that I requested in my agreement:

- Visitation is to be gradual; step-based, and take into account the needs of the child. As such, there is to be a transition period gradually easing the child into independent visits with the respondent.

- Regular visitation shall occur in the child's county of residence. Overnights are conditional on the NCP keeping up with regular visits (not overnights) with the child and will take place at the NCP's home or a AAA four-five diamond hotel.

- NCP will confirm visitation and provide the valid address and phone number of said location to the CP 72 hours in advance or the visit will be considered canceled. NCP shall pay for all expenses in connection with his visitation.

- The NCP shall pay for any childcare cost that arises due to canceled parenting time

- Both parties will be considerate of dd's food allergies (which I list) and provide substitutions as needed and will clean and moisturized the child's skin with body wash/body cream/sunscreen as designated by the CP in order to reduce/minimize allergic reactions.

- each party will ensure the child is wearing a seat belt or age appropriate child restrain is properly installed and buckled whenever she is riding in an automobile or other vehicle." (this was key for me as her dad claims to live out a state and I know he travel s a great deal so I would expect he have dd safely secured in ANY mode of transportation)

- NCP must have written permission from the other parent to take the child out of the child's county of residence

- each parent shall maintain child related gear (including but not limited to car seats, strollers, travel potty chairs, water bottles, snacks, etc.) so the child does not have to make exchanges with additional gear. When possible the parents will aim to have identical gear so the child can feel a since of continuity.

- if both parties cannot agree or an issue about this agreement should arise at a later date, the parties MUST attend private mediation first before any legal action can be taken. Private mediation will take place with (I specify the private mediator by name and title). The party seeking a change shall pay all mediation fees incurred, in the event one clear party is not seeking a change, then both parties shall split the mediation cost.

- If the NCP seeks a change in this agreement by way of legal proceedings, NCP shall pay all attorney fees incurred by the CP as a result of said court proceeding.
post #223 of 287
3/31/10 at 5:08am
Quote:
Originally Posted by smpayne View Post
Speaking as an outside observer:

I see so many kids that can't go to their sports games or scouting activities because it is thier "dad's weekend". Kids should not have to give up their activities because the other parent can't be bothered to make the effort. Visitation should not make the kids life hard or stressful.

There should also be some agreement about parents moving out of town. 3hr oneway drives to visit a parent for a day and a half only to have a 3hr drive back home every other weekend is insaine and very stressful on the kids. I've seen parents try to go back after the fact and have custody altered with NO luck. Prepare for contingencies. If one parent moves more than ____ hrs away, custody should will be changed to _____ (appropriate for the travel distance).
I do address this in my agreement here is the text in the agreement but keep in mine this addresses a NCP who does not have legal or physical custody:

"When the child is in the NCP's physical custody, NCP shall have the right and responsibility to make temporary decisions regarding the child's health, welfare, and day-to-day activities.
a) Not with standing the foregoing, if an enrichment activity requires the child for a few hours during the NCP's visitation, the NCP will take her to the activity and pick her up. If the activity is something that requires skipping a weekend entirely, it has to be made up either the weekend before or after."
post #224 of 287
3/31/10 at 2:48pm
subbing...thank you for all of the advice, mama's!! This thread is priceless!!!!!
post #225 of 287
4/3/10 at 2:28pm
All, right, just finished reading and taking notes.
I am just drafting, some new things I would like discussed, agreed and hopefully in the agreement are:
  • $20/month sent to our son savings account by each party (he is 2)
  • No refined sugars or fried foods
  • Child must spend 80% or more of the visitation time with father
  • If child cannot go to school due to sickness, each parent take turns to miss out work
  • all TV must be properly rated (I cough him watching musical videos that included bar scenes of people kissing, including semi naked woman kissing, with our son on his lap) includes tv, cable or dvd
  • Must notify changes of income
  • no fast food
  • Parents are open to homeschooling
  • Parents agree to explore alternative treatments first when child is sick or injured unless life of death
  • No yelling or scaring the child
  • Parents agree to explore different styles of discipline, promoting gentle discipline and attachments parenting
  • Both parent to avoid unnecessary expenses until they are both out of unsecured debt

I know I might not get but a couple in an agreement, but I have to try.
my sbtbx is a really good father and I would never have a car seat issue. BUT while he has another woman who has two children from a previous marriage, he is not moving in with her. Which tells me they are not ready for that, when they are the sweet father today might become not so sweet under the demands of his new family.

I am trying, i am trying very hard to detach. it is very hurtful that he is eager and relief that I found him out and kicked him out. What a coward... but we stay amicable so this is a good moment to try the agreement
post #226 of 287
4/7/10 at 3:52pm
lots of things to consider! I am just at the beginning of our divorce. Copays are going to be a big one for me. He is trying to say cs should pay them. I am saying three kids in therapy for a while at $35 a visit, plus regular dr visits and medical expenses is going to get to be too much to pay on my own.
post #227 of 287
4/8/10 at 3:08pm
$20/month sent to our son savings account by each party (he is 2)
=why not make that a % of income...20 dollars in fifteen years is not going to buy the happy meal he is not allowed to have.

No refined sugars or fried foods
=
But (joking) what single dad doesn't take their kid to mcdonalds on Friday night...insert other fast food joints for Saturday breakfast...lunch...
post #228 of 287
4/8/10 at 6:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annapooh View Post
lots of things to consider! I am just at the beginning of our divorce. Copays are going to be a big one for me. He is trying to say cs should pay them. I am saying three kids in therapy for a while at $35 a visit, plus regular dr visits and medical expenses is going to get to be too much to pay on my own.
I don't know where you live, but in my state, sharing any medical expenses is a standard line in the parenting agreement. The courts automatically assume that both parents will split expenses 50/50.
post #229 of 287
4/8/10 at 8:00pm
Such great things in here. I wasn't even allowed an agreement because our divorce was considered too volatile so the judge decided everything. I'm going to go through and ask my lawyer to present some of these things though. My ex was told to pay 50% of medical expenses but he never has paid his share so his share of the unpaid bills is now in default under my name in collections. I have sole custody so all things medical are under me. It sucks that a parent can get away with not paying medical bills and child support.
post #230 of 287
4/11/10 at 4:27pm
I just finished reading this thread and taking TONS of notes! Thank you so much for all the ideas!!
post #231 of 287
4/12/10 at 6:24pm
Wow, very helpful. I'm not exactly a single parent, been with my SO for a while now, but sometimes we seem more like roommates (cause we started out as roommates). Me and X were never married, and broke up before DS(just tuned 3) was born, but since X got with his fiancee and they had a baby a few months ago he has been paying child support and requesting visits. I'm not gonna go into all the details but for the most part all of the visitation request made by X and mainly by X's fiancee start and end in rude/threatening manners. So I have just been reciting that X needs to seek visitation rights if he wants to see DS, but him seeking legal visitation has me worried of course. My son has a communication delay, I don't think that he is ready for over nights yet, not to mention I don't approve of X's mother watching DS if X needs a sitter during his time in the future. Reading your ideas might help me out if we have to go to mediation or court. Thank you.
post #232 of 287
4/13/10 at 3:34pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by smpayne View Post
Speaking as an outside observer:

I see so many kids that can't go to their sports games or scouting activities because it is thier "dad's weekend". Kids should not have to give up their activities because the other parent can't be bothered to make the effort. Visitation should not make the kids life hard or stressful.

There should also be some agreement about parents moving out of town. 3hr oneway drives to visit a parent for a day and a half only to have a 3hr drive back home every other weekend is insaine and very stressful on the kids. I've seen parents try to go back after the fact and have custody altered with NO luck. Prepare for contingencies. If one parent moves more than ____ hrs away, custody should will be changed to _____ (appropriate for the travel distance).
See I understand children not wanting to miss out on sporting events. And it's a touch thing to balance. But why should a non-custodial parent (who already has minimal time with their child) have to miss out on more time?
post #233 of 287
4/13/10 at 9:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by spinknottle View Post
See I understand children not wanting to miss out on sporting events. And it's a touch thing to balance. But why should a non-custodial parent (who already has minimal time with their child) have to miss out on more time?
I think that the point is that if the parent is local, then the non-custodial parent has an obligation to make sure the child attends any events/games/practices that the child is involved in. And if the non-custodial parent makes the decision to move farther away, then the agreement needs to reflect that the child's life needs to be minimally disrupted. That includes making sure the child doesn't have to miss out on his/her extracurricular activities. My son isn't old enough to have this be an issue yet, but our parenting agreement already states that ds' activities are a priority as he ages, and whichever parent has ds needs to make sure he doesn't miss his regularly scheduled life.
post #234 of 287
4/15/10 at 4:32am
This thread is amazingly helpful
post #235 of 287
5/17/10 at 12:42am
bumping, have to update my court documents this week.
post #236 of 287
6/23/10 at 4:08pm
bumping... seems there are a lot of us in the begining stages of divorce/separation right now and could use this.
post #237 of 287
6/23/10 at 7:19pm
I'm Canadian and my ex is in contempt of a number of things in our order but it does stand none the less and some of the points may be useful.

It states that I have sole custody and that ods has his primary residence with me. It also states that I have day to day care and control of ods.

Xh shall have reasonable access with notice to me, subject to several conditions (I won't list them all because they're only relevant to us) but they do include:
refraining from illegal drugs and alcohol 24 hrs prior to or during access
refraining from smoking during access
first right of refusal
absolute discretion to cancel a visit or insist on supervised access if I feel points 1 or 2 have been violated (yah my lawyer rocks!)
Reasonable access shall mean e/o weekend if we can't agree on anything else (he doesn't see him anyway so this is meaningless)
Reasonable telephone access
He has no set holiday/vacation schedule (his lawyer really dropped the ball on that one)

Ontario has child support guidelines. He can have his payments adjusted based on his yearly income tax. He currently pays $0 and is contesting his arrears.
We will discuss extraordinary expenses and they will be paid in proportion to our gross annual incomes. This includes:
child care
medical and dental insurance
health related expenses i.e. counseling, physio, hearing aids, etc
school expenses
extracurricular activities
It is also laid out under what circumstances child support payments stop - pretty standard stuff.

Our old order had a clause that neither of us could move 100 km outside of our current city of residence. That seems to have disappeared with the new order. Oops.

He also had to pay me $5000. Did I mention how much I love my lawyer??

Hope that's helpful to someone out there...
post #238 of 287
7/31/10 at 3:23pm
Just wanted to sub to this thread for future divorce shenanigans. *sigh*
post #239 of 287
8/2/10 at 12:12am
It's taken me two days but I finally managed to read all the posts and make lots of notes. Thank you every one for your input and experience!
post #240 of 287
8/4/10 at 3:48am
took notes! really useful
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Parenting › Life as a Parent › Single Parenting › what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement?