what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 13

[Minxie]

I also took lots of notes as my ex has recently decided he does want to drag this through the courts. Wish me luck!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

All, right, just finished reading and taking notes.
I am just drafting, some new things I would like discussed, agreed and hopefully in the agreement are:

• $20/month sent to our son savings account by each party (he is 2)
• No refined sugars or fried foods
• Child must spend 80% or more of the visitation time with father
• If child cannot go to school due to sickness, each parent take turns to miss out work
• all TV must be properly rated (I cough him watching musical videos that included bar scenes of people kissing, including semi naked woman kissing, with our son on his lap) includes tv, cable or dvd
• Must notify changes of income
• no fast food
• Parents are open to homeschooling
• Parents agree to explore alternative treatments first when child is sick or injured unless life of death
• No yelling or scaring the child
• Parents agree to explore different styles of discipline, promoting gentle discipline and attachments parenting
• Both parent to avoid unnecessary expenses until they are both out of unsecured debt

I know I might not get but a couple in an agreement, but I have to try.
my sbtbx is a really good father and I would never have a car seat issue. BUT while he has another woman who has two children from a previous marriage, he is not moving in with her. Which tells me they are not ready for that, when they are the sweet father today might become not so sweet under the demands of his new family.

I am trying, i am trying very hard to detach. it is very hurtful that he is eager and relief that I found him out and kicked him out. What a coward... but we stay amicable so this is a good moment to try the agreement

What I bolded, even if it gets into the agreement, is not even close to enforceable. So you might as well not bother. And about both parents taking turns when the kid gets sick? My understanding is that when a parent is the custodial parent they have more responsibility, and therefore are the one to take the hit when things happen. If the ncp is willing to help out, thats great, but I don't think a court is going to be keen on giving one parent custody, and then requiring the other to not only pay child support, but require them to miss work for illness. In that situation, joint 50/50 sounds like a much better solution with the parents being responsible for taking sick days from work when the child is living with them and has to miss school/daycare.

[SamuraiMom]

STBX is very flexible, but he has a hard time following rules, can't understand why HE has to follow them! This thread has been great though, lots of things I hadn't thought to put in!

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by thyra

What I bolded, even if it gets into the agreement, is not even close to enforceable. So you might as well not bother. And about both parents taking turns when the kid gets sick? My understanding is that when a parent is the custodial parent they have more responsibility, and therefore are the one to take the hit when things happen. If the ncp is willing to help out, thats great, but I don't think a court is going to be keen on giving one parent custody, and then requiring the other to not only pay child support, but require them to miss work for illness. In that situation, joint 50/50 sounds like a much better solution with the parents being responsible for taking sick days from work when the child is living with them and has to miss school/daycare.

Again, some of it is enforceable - depends on your judge, lawyer, ability to pursue certain issues, willingness to go to court over things, etc. Some of that I would let go, some I would go after.

As far as the sick day issue - I have primary custody, my ex pays support, has the kids EOW, and we take turns staying home if one of the kids is sick (per agreement). I tend to stay home first, because both girls want their mama when they're sick, but it's more difficult for me to take time off than it is for my ex.

[chatsalot]

bump because this thread is very helpful

[Unoppressed MAMA Q]

Bump.

[deuxceleste]

Bumping with comments...

Subbing this thread b/c in the middle of working out a separation agreement, myself. With him, it's all about moneymoneymoney... need to find out about tax intercept, etc, as he's lost his job (fired... again) and no CS coming in. Which means that public school preschool is the only viable option for DS who will be 4 in March unless something changes.

What I'm interested in is how you all handled wording of a SA with you having primary custody. That's the way its been for us so far, as we've been separated for a year, and Ive had the kids. He's been in and out of jobs, apartments, and is just really super unstable financially. But I don't know that he'll *agree* to wording of me as custodial parent in a SA.

Ideas?

[la mamita]

bump

[qsmama]

Well I feel like an old timer, though I have not been on this thread for a while. Let me just say I have seen the good,bad and ugly of the court system. Which is a money making machine for family court and these are some things I have learned along the way.

The sweet, flexible, he would never do that father can change and with a new relationship on board he may not even be the leader.

Expect the best but always prepare for the worst.

Keep all communication of importance in writing and for some people you need to do this for all communication.

Begin an organized system early on: Documentation, letters, phone log, proof of the child going on visits, etc. I know this may sound extreme to some but for others it will be a saver for you child.

Those of you with "great wording" in your agreement that is great--most people, even great mothers do not get it.

Do not assume that if the father has had past issues that it means the court will do what is right, many abusers etc, have won custody.

Even tho you may need child support, when you force another to pay, especially someone who is leaving you alone and letting you raise the child, expect a war if you force the support. Sadly many mothers who went after support, even to a father who had no contact, ended up in a huge and COSTLY fight only to lose custody. This happens due to control and lots of fathers are now told, if you have custody you will not have to pay cs, and better, she will pay you. Also, they know if they have custody you will do anything to see the child and so for the ones who really do not want to parent they can send to you whenever they want.

Further,  the long term cost of a lawyer will be far more than you get in child support. I did not pursue cs but I have still paid out almost 100,000 in legal fees and I know mothers who have paid far more.

This happens every day even in the most unlikely situations. I say this from experience as a mother and child therapist.

Best to all of you that are just starting. Enjoy every minute with your children.

qsmama

[deuxceleste]

Finally got the SA fixed!!! Happy, now I send it to my lawyer, who makes all the edits and passes it along to ex, for his "approval."

Thanks for all the ideas, mamas!

[worthy]

bump

[InsideOut]

Thanks to worthy for the bump and to provocotiva for mentioning this thread to me in another thread. I've got a lot of studying to do. One question, how does one prove that the child is going for visits?

[momtothreegirls]

Thanks for this thread. 

Inside out…I always send an email a few days before the visit confirming the exact arrangments. We have a pretty detailed visit schedule/rotation so it's not an issue…but I keep a record both in a daytimer and via email. I have a folder in gmail that is just my emails with him, and I print out any that cover contentious stuff and keep them in a binder. Just in case gmail ever goes down.

We tried mediation for a year…it was a mess.  We are not starting with lawyers-mine is more collaborative and his more litigious…so far we've done more in two months than the past year.  The custody order is almost done..I think.   L 

[rubelin]

    bumpety-bump for the newest mommas starting on their divorce journey

[fiona2359]

This thread is so incredibly helpful. I sent off my papers to the lawyer recently and included a note with many issues mentioned here. I would never have thought of 1/2 of the issues mentioned.

Many thanks Mamas for sharing!

[a-sorta-fairytale]

I've been subbed to this thread since like 08 and now it has really helped me hammer out what i need.  thanks to all who contributed.

[tccandlsccmom]

Wow...helpful stuff.  So sad that I need this help, though...

[gridley13]

I am going through my first draft of my agreement and wanted to double check this thread... bumping it up. If it's not stickied, it should be. I also wonder if anyone would care to take the time to go through, cut and paste all actual suggestions related to the agreements, and just start a new easy to read list to be stickied! 

I mean... not me, but someone...

[sweeetpea]

subbing - i love the suggestions and will take the time later tonight to read and take notes on the whole dang thread.

Thanks for guiding us and sharing your BTDT wisdom!

[sadiah]

No monthly summer vsitation until the child is five years old.