what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 14

[rubelin]

   yet another bumpety-bump for the mommas who might find this handy =)

and a quick update that StillSnarky, the awesome momma who started this thread, has an amazing chocolate biz now (seriously, some of my favorite treats ever!) and they're opening a cafe soon!  http://www.snakeandbutterfly.com/

[jaam]

Maybe this was already mentioned. But right now I'm in a position where I really need medical insurance and have none. (The kids are still insured through ex's employer insurance.) I am wishing that I had made it so that I was still covered under his insurance until I found an affordable replacement. We're going to see about getting the decree amended so that I am still covered... it doesn't even cost him any extra so it doesn't really make sense NOT to put me on it, really.

eta: So awesome about the chocolate shop!! Checking out the website now :)

[Goodmom2008]

In regards to health insurance, once the divorce is final, you cannot be on his policy anymore.  What happens is that you can sign up for COBRA.  And if the cost of COBRA (which is separate from the regular premiums) isn't addressed in the court order, you would be responsible for paying it. 

[AnyaRose]

This is an amazing thread... How many of these things do you think I could apply to my situation being never married to the guy but carrying his child? (But he makes over 100k/year)

[Funny Face]

Subbing. 

[chefmommy]

Thank you all for the wonderful thread! I went page by page & copied everything that would work for us. It is great to have these words of wisdom available to all of us newbies:)

[socalmum]

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you! 

Here is my list of what I'm going to request:

1. Health, dental, vision until 23.
2. Child support until after completion of school.  If in graduate school and over age 23, then cs goes directly to child.
3. College costs...  Monthly funding of investment account for college...
4. Extracurricular activities, summer camp, schooling (pre-school costs), daycare costs... based on % of income
5. Head of household tax exemption (to whom...in the future when I go back to work, I get one exemption, he gets the other {we have 2 children})
6. Copays, uninsured medical expenses and prescriptions based on % of income
7. Orthodontia cost in the future
8. a right of first refusal clause
9. Birthdays, holidays, winter, spring, summer break, weekends (prioritize and notice for weeks)
10. legal fees if need to go to court to rework agreement are paid by STBXH
11. % his salary every year, (until he retires?), payable in full by April 15, for my retirement purposes.
12. A full background check is provided to the other when one of us plans on living with someone
13. Prior to introducing any significant other to child, ex-spouse must meet the individual
14. Life insurance to be maintained with me as beneficiary (annual proof a coverage)
15. If there is an accident/serious injury, you will be called and allowed to come see your child even if it is still their time
16. have yourself listed as making medical, educational decisions
17. Must give you itinerary if traveling with them

[thanneaKS]

Child support for college really depends on state statutes and can  be difficult to enforce.  The reasoning is this:  No child can require his/her parent to fund college.  Parents are not obligated to support any child 18 and older, whether divorced or married.  Some states have agreed to college support but it can be hard to enforce.  It is probably very unlikely that a parent could be required to pay monies to an adult child (18 and over) except maybe for college until age 21.  It seems highly unlikely to get monies for grad school or for students over age 21. You can google and check specifics for your state.

A friend of mine inTennessee had this language written into her divorce, but it has proven impossible to enforce.  Most kids can work while in school, pay part of their own way, take a year off every other year to work/save, etc.  Mine did this and graduated with no loans, taking 5 or 6 years of combo work/school to get there. Grad school has been free for two of them (hospital paid for tuition for one and a PhD for the other, salaried).  Just info....

[Goodmom2008]

1. Head of household tax exemption (to whom...in the future when I go back to work, I get one exemption, he gets the other {we have 2 children})

FYI. head of household is a filing status.  And in order to qualify for it, you must have the child for the majority of overnights in the year.  This is also the qualification for EIC.  Doesn't matter who claims the tax exemption for the child(ren), if they live with you for the majority if the year, you get HOH and the EIC for both kids.  The child tax credit follows the exemption, doesn't matter who the child lives with for the majority of the year.  The IRS has deemed that it follows the exemption. 

And I agee with the life insurance, but I would take it one step further and require that BOTH parties have a life insurance policy naming the other as beneficiary.  My ex and I have this.  Which only makes sense, if I were to die, he's going to need the money to make sure the kids are taken care of. 

[socalmum]

Originally Posted by thanneaKS 

Child support for college really depends on state statutes and can  be difficult to enforce.  The reasoning is this:  No child can require his/her parent to fund college.  Parents are not obligated to support any child 18 and older, whether divorced or married.  Some states have agreed to college support but it can be hard to enforce.  It is probably very unlikely that a parent could be required to pay monies to an adult child (18 and over) except maybe for college until age 21.  It seems highly unlikely to get monies for grad school or for students over age 21. You can google and check specifics for your state.

A friend of mine inTennessee had this language written into her divorce, but it has proven impossible to enforce.  Most kids can work while in school, pay part of their own way, take a year off every other year to work/save, etc.  Mine did this and graduated with no loans, taking 5 or 6 years of combo work/school to get there. Grad school has been free for two of them (hospital paid for tuition for one and a PhD for the other, salaried).  Just info....

Good to know.  I will google and ask my lawyer when we get to this point.  My STBX and I are opting to do a Collaborative Law Divorce.  Hopefully, he will be agreeable to my requests.  As for the kids paying for part of their schooling, I'm all for that.  I did it myself.  I just want to ask for as much as I can and hopefully some of it will "stick".

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

FYI. head of household is a filing status.  And in order to qualify for it, you must have the child for the majority of overnights in the year.  This is also the qualification for EIC.  Doesn't matter who claims the tax exemption for the child(ren), if they live with you for the majority if the year, you get HOH and the EIC for both kids.  The child tax credit follows the exemption, doesn't matter who the child lives with for the majority of the year.  The IRS has deemed that it follows the exemption. 

And I agee with the life insurance, but I would take it one step further and require that BOTH parties have a life insurance policy naming the other as beneficiary.  My ex and I have this.  Which only makes sense, if I were to die, he's going to need the money to make sure the kids are taken care of. 

Thanks for the information.  I'm not really aware of the tax portion of my divorce.  As for life insurance, good point.  Although, I'm a stay at home mom and it irks me to put a monetary value on my part of the parenting.  I know I will eventually go back to work when the kids are in grade school.

[ihugtrees]

I saved this thread 2.5 years ago when my stbx and I decided to separate. He has been stationed overseas since right after we decided to separate, and is returning this summer, so we will finally be legally filing for divorce. I am so glad to have found this thread again and drafted up a parenting agreement. It has been amazingly helpful. When I have my final draft of the agreement I plan to present to him, I will come back and post it. 

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by socalmum 

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you! 

Here is my list of what I'm going to request:

1. Health, dental, vision until 23.
2. Child support until after completion of school.  If in graduate school and over age 23, then cs goes directly to child.
3. College costs...  Monthly funding of investment account for college...
4. Extracurricular activities, summer camp, schooling (pre-school costs), daycare costs... based on % of income
5. Head of household tax exemption (to whom...in the future when I go back to work, I get one exemption, he gets the other {we have 2 children})
6. Copays, uninsured medical expenses and prescriptions based on % of income
7. Orthodontia cost in the future
8. a right of first refusal clause
9. Birthdays, holidays, winter, spring, summer break, weekends (prioritize and notice for weeks)
10. legal fees if need to go to court to rework agreement are paid by STBXH
11. % his salary every year, (until he retires?), payable in full by April 15, for my retirement purposes.
12. A full background check is provided to the other when one of us plans on living with someone
13. Prior to introducing any significant other to child, ex-spouse must meet the individual
14. Life insurance to be maintained with me as beneficiary (annual proof a coverage)
15. If there is an accident/serious injury, you will be called and allowed to come see your child even if it is still their time
16. have yourself listed as making medical, educational decisions
17. Must give you itinerary if traveling with them

There are some items above that simply won't happen unless he agrees to it. And some of them that won't be enforceable.

1. This is likely for the kids
2. This depends on your state. Even if you are in a state that has support through college, it will only be through undergraduate. Should your kid decide to go for a masters degree, s/he will be paying their own support as child support will be done.
3. If you are in a state that orders college costs, you will be ordered to pay a portion, too.

As for a percentage for your retirement, that won't happen unless he agrees to it. A judge will just tell you to set aside how much you want from your wages and/or spousal support.

As for background checks, this is not enforceable even if he agrees to put it in there (to be clear a judge is very unlikely to order this) same goes for introducing someone either of you are dating to the ex before the kids. I agree with the life insurance, I also think that it should be required that you have a policy in the same amount with your stbx as the beneficiary. Head of household filing status goes strictly by IRS requirements.

[greenmom4]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm wondering if anyone is in the same situation as I am.

I am (and have always been) the primary wage earner in our family.  My gross income is about $4k per month.  My stbx works two very low paying jobs, plus tips for one of his jobs.  Right now I'm paying for daycare, health insurance premiums...pretty much everything. Will I get anything for cs?

Question #2 has to do with visitation.  During the school year, my h really only has Tues and Wed afternoons and evenings off and all day on Sunday.  In the summer, tho, he would have the days free and then all day Sunday.  He's already been starting to flake on the kids and never wants my youngest to come and see him (which breaks my heart). How would visitation work in this case, do you think?

Also, I'm meeting w/ my lawyer for the first time tomorrow; he doesn't have a lawyer, so I'm not sure what to expect there...     

[Kate&Joey]

I was also the primary (basically sole) breadwinner when I was married to XH.  He was ordered to pay CS based on an estimated income.  He never responded to my attorney's information requests so the judge just ordered an amount higher than minimum wage (he has an advanced degree).  In my state, CS is not tied to parenting time; just a scale based on income.

You could end up with two different parenting schedules: one for when school is in session and one for during the summer. If he asks for some ludicrous amount of parenting time, I would document that he hasn't been spending that time with the kids currently.  I expect that he will also be allowed longer vacation parenting time in the summer (like two weeks or more).  Again, it's up to him to take advantage of that (rearrange his work schedule, etc.).

Just remember: what he says he *wants* doesn't really matter.  In the end, the two of you must agree or a judge decides; he doesn't dictate the proceedings.  And a lot of men are all talk and no action when it's all said and done. 

[a-sorta-fairytale]

My ex was agreeable so i put the minimum in writing and told him he could have extra time ANYTIME he wants with notice.  He has taken the extra time on his own 2 times in 2 years.  So, we go by the minimum and i will ask him to take them if i need him to for a special circumstance but i pretty much know he will just take them minimum and that is it.  C/S in my state is based on parenting time so this was more useful for me for that as well.
 

[DextersGirl]

I can't tell you how much this thread blessed me.  I came here to Mothering as a newlywed unable to conceive.  It's completely odd how much things have changed in the past few years.  I won't get into details here because everything is still so raw for me, but I will say that I needed to read this.  I'm mostly a lurker now, but I'll be back.  Thanks, ladies!

[SgtLilith]

Wanted to add one I have included....My kids were very young at time of seperation so I included that I would return to my maiden name and theirs would get hyphenated.

[thispathisme]

I like that. My DCs only have their dad's last name and he and I never married so I've always had my own last name. Could I ask to have their name hyphenated? Because now I would have to get his consent and that would never happen.

Originally Posted by SgtLilith 

Wanted to add one I have included....My kids were very young at time of seperation so I included that I would return to my maiden name and theirs would get hyphenated.

[SgtLilith]

You can request it....I am in NJ and there are different ways to do it here.  

If he won't agree you will have to go through the courts and fight for it though.

Here it can be include in the divorce agreement.  You can file a request though the courts.  Or you can file it on your own....as you would any type of name change.

[thispathisme]

Originally Posted by SgtLilith 

You can request it....I am in NJ and there are different ways to do it here.  

If he won't agree you will have to go through the courts and fight for it though.

Here it can be include in the divorce agreement.  You can file a request though the courts.  Or you can file it on your own....as you would any type of name change.

Thanks, I'll have to look in to it. I'm pretty sure I need his consent/signature to file name changes, but perhaps I can include it when applying for custody. I'm in Ontario.