what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 4

[CrunchyCate]

Originally Posted by danieliausmama

One book I read about California divorce says that if the Father earns 4000 dollars a month and mother 1000-1500, then CS would be around 900 for the first child.

I wish I got that!! I don't even get that for two...and he makes more than that.

[cheyennemama]

Originally Posted by ShadowMom

Those mamas that get cs, do you have to pay for all of the medical bills and stuff, or how does that work?

He is responsible for insurance premiums. (CS was calculated that way. If I was to provide it, he'd have to pay more in CS.) All other expenses- copays, deductibles are 50/50. This is a fairly complicated system since his plan does have a deductible and if a kid medical expense was early in calendar year, I'd have to pay and if he met the deductible and there was kid expenses later on, I'd pay nothing. Make sense? It's very confusing and since we couldn't come up with a good plan, I figure I might pay a lot one year and nothing the next. Fortunately no expenses this year. (DS sets stitches every 11 mos : so I have until November I figure. )

Luckily I haven't paid a penny yet since the kids and I qualified for state medicaid when X up and left. If I paid $10 for a prescription copay, I KNOW I'll basically never see that money!

[cheyennemama]

This is one great point! If you require something, have ane enforcement system. Like X is required to have life insurance with me as the beneficary. BUT it doesn't state that he has to show me proof and he won't! At some point when we recalculate CS I plan on bringing that up because that's complete bull! I'd like annual proof.

[cjuniverse]

SUBBING.

Just started thinking about this seriously in the last few days...my soon-to-be ex (who still lives with us, unavoidable for now) was putting pressure on me a while back to 'write something up' about custody and whatnot. I started, then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I have no idea how to do this...I need a LOT more information on what to ask for/specify before I put into writing (and have notarized, as he requested...sneaky bastard) the contract that's going to govern our dealings with our son for the next 18 years!!"

There's so much to know, so much to literally lay out in black and white, so as to avoid 'misunderstandings' and 'mis-communications' and such. Oh, and I'm with previous posters about the pick-up lateness...being on-time has always been an issue with this man, don't know why I didn't figure it would carry over into visitation as well...

Anyway, this is a FANTASTIC thread! Thank you so much OP for having the foresight to post it! I'm sure I speak for a lot of mamis when I say it's sorely needed!

[pranamama]

some mama's really need to be able to demand - I remember hearing complains...

proof of a valid drivers license, car insurance and possibly child safety seat installation checks.

[Still_Snarky]

Originally Posted by cjuniverse

Anyway, this is a FANTASTIC thread! Thank you so much OP for having the foresight to post it! I'm sure I speak for a lot of mamis when I say it's sorely needed!

: I never would have thought to start this thread had this wonderful forum not been here. And the needs of us AP parents are certainly different than the average parent's going through a situation like this. Glad it helped though.

[MyTwoAs]

I finally was able to sit down and read this thread - wow, some great things in here. Definitely a lot of items that I would have *never* thought of. My attorney is also a probate/estate attorney so he's really looking towards the future and not just short-term.

[kerplunk]

Wow - I just read this whole thread and most of it is stuff I never would have thought of. My x and I were never married, and I thought I didn't need a custody agreement because he's been really good so far - volunteering c/s and wanting a lot of visitation (and actually showing up for it!).

But reading all this has definitely inspired me to get my butt in gear and get something in writing. It's all a little overwhelming, but as a new single mommy, I'm quickly learning to do lots of overwhelming things. :

My inexperienced suggestion: requiring that he have life insurance with you as the beneficiary.

[sheilajolene]

Originally Posted by kerplunk

Wow - I just read this whole thread and most of it is stuff I never would have thought of. My x and I were never married, and I thought I didn't need a custody agreement because he's been really good so far - volunteering c/s and wanting a lot of visitation (and actually showing up for it!).

But reading all this has definitely inspired me to get my butt in gear and get something in writing. It's all a little overwhelming, but as a new single mommy, I'm quickly learning to do lots of overwhelming things. :

My inexperienced suggestion: requiring that he have life insurance with you as the beneficiary.

I've wondered about life insurance. Son's father had a LI policy for 315K which was to come to me... but that was when we were together and I'm sure he's probably changed it now that he's engaged to another woman. Can those of us who were never married even request this? I should get something to support ds if something happens to him...

[Nature]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

Also...a right of first refusal clause....meaning that if its his time with the kids and he's going out, he has to give you the first choice to have the kids before using a babysitter or someone else to watch them.

We have this clause... and my ex ignores it. : I find that she's been at overnights or being babysat nearly every day my ex has her and it ticks me off.

[sheilajolene]

Also, are there any serious repercussions for violations?

[MyTwoAs]

What I am doing on the life insurance and investment beneficiary topic is to make the children equal beneficiaries. This ensures their financial security regardless of who may be their caregiver (if something were to happen to me for instance).

[singin'intherain]

Originally Posted by sheilajolene

Also, are there any serious repercussions for violations?

This is one of my big concerns. My ex is great at telling me what he thinks I want to hear..........even if it's in writing and legally binding, what can I really do if he does stuff like come really late or not pay cs?

[Vypros]

LOL

Holy crap, I thought I was getting screwed until I read this thread.

I think I made out pretty good.

[WatermelonSnow]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain

This is one of my big concerns. My ex is great at telling me what he thinks I want to hear..........even if it's in writing and legally binding, what can I really do if he does stuff like come really late or not pay cs?

Some agreements have a clause that if the NCP does not show up within a certain window of time, like 15 or 30 minutes of the designated pick-up time, then they forfeit the the visit. Of course, that doesn't help one bit if the NCP's behavior is affecting your ability to work or make it to an appointment. Anyone have any ideas for this?

As for c/s, getting it withheld from his paycheck can be a good way to guard against non- or late payment. Things can still go wonky with this system, as it depends on the employer getting the payment to the disbursing authority, but it goes a long way to eliminating the late-payment-out-of-spite syndrome. I found out recently that, even though c/s is withheld from my ex's check, ex is still liable if the employer doesn't get the payments to the state. Of course, these types of things vary by state, so YMMV.

[kerplunk]

sheilajolene - Even if you baby's father is engaged to another woman, if something happened to him, why should your baby not get any child support? And this other woman without his children (I assume) gets everything? Although I don't have any legal experience, it seems logical to me that his support of his child shouldn't end at that point.

I just went through a similar thing with my daughter's father (to whom I was never married). He had his 401K and life insurance signed over to his mother and his sister in case of his death because he had set them up before I had the baby. It took about an hour to talk him through why he should designate that at least half goes to me, as the caretaker of his baby. He was really reluctant to put me on (I think because there's still some bad feeling from when I left him before the baby was born and because I'm not technically family), but I just kept stressing that the money would be for the baby, not for me.

The human resources woman at his work was very unhelpful and refused to put a minor (my daughter) on any of the forms, but you might look into whether your ex could designate your child as the beneficiary with you as the gaurdian/custodian if your child is not 18 at the time of his death.

Hope this isn't too off-topic, but another similar thing I've been looking into, is a will designating my parents as Malia's gaurdians, not her father (he's so irresponsible he could never raise her), and life insurance of my own so that she wouldn't be a financial burden on them.

Mamas - I just wanted to say I think it sucks that we have to fight so much for the rights of our kids and ourselves.

[ShadowMom]

On the beneficiary thing - another option is that a trust for the child could be set up, and that would be the beneficiary of the funds.

That's what I plan to do with my own 401k and other assets. The key for me is finding the right person to oversee the trust... that would NOT be the ex. So it's a little more complicated for me. But if it's your ex that has the funds, you could suggest a trust with you set up as the manager (or whatever the term is) for that trust.

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

i wish i would of asked for a court order to get the kids passports with out his signature..now he wont sign and i'm not sure how to obtain the kids passports.

[CrunchyCate]

Just to let everyone know, even if your ex doesn't do the right thing with life insurance, there is still Social Security. My friend's ex-husband passed away without a life insurance policy, but she gets a VERY HEALTHY amount from Social Security for her daughter. It's about 70% more than she was getting in child support, and she got very good child support. If you have ever seen yours or your ex's Social Security statement, it will say how much the kids' will get.

My ex is supposed to keep a policy on himself for the kids and does NOT. In return, I don't have him as the beneficiary on mine. My spouse is on one through work, and my parents on the other (they will take care of the kids.)

Another thing I wish I had done... My car was paid off by the time we divorced but his (with me as a co-signer) was not. (We each kept our cars). If I had known what was going to happen, I would have demanded he sell his car before the divorce. He has never paid on time- the car should have been paid off a YEAR ago, and he still has an outstanding balance. : My credit has taken such a hit. There is nothing I can do; since I am on the loan, the lenders wouldn't let me off, even with the divorce paperwork saying it was his responsibility.

[One Art]

I am reviving this thread to ask (and it may have been asked, I didn't read every single post) what are the consequences if you and ex come to certain agreements and he doesn't follow through? What can you do legally, or otherwise? TIA.