Taming a tempermental 18 mos old

[StormySar]

My son seems to throw fits at the drop of a hat - if I don't get him something he wants right away, he will start crying, run away, and start hitting things (or he'll run at me and hit me a few times before he runs off). We are not the family to give in to every whim so this came as a surprise! lol.

I think a *big* problem is that he cannot talk yet. He makes no audible words and does make sounds and will communicate with us just not verbally. So I think it is very frusterating for him to express himself when he can't do it in words.

I am looking for ideas for how to cure this. If I try to hold him and comfort him while talking to him, he cries all the more harder and wriggles until he gets away. If I even look at him and outstretch my hands for him to come here when he's in a fit, he runs the other way. He was the type who used to throw himself on the floor and kick his arms and legs, but my husband told me after a while not to hold him and let him thrash, and he stopped doing it... I used to hold him so he woudln't hurt himself in his thrashes, but when dh said not to hold him I just made sure he was on a safe surface with nothing near that he'd hit.

Does anyone have any ideas?

[InDaPhunk]

Teach him sign language. Here are some good websites/videos:

http://deafness.about.com/gi/dynamic....aslpro.com%2F

http://www.mybabycantalk.com/content...y/aboutus.aspx

http://www.signingtime.com/ - Great videos, but the songs get stuck in your head ...."Baby, baby, baby signing tiiime...." :

Try to say yes as much as possible. Keep nos for safety related issues and that's it. Pick your battles. Eighteen months was the most um...challenging age for my DS as far as melting down is concerned. He's almost 20 months now and has chilled somewhat. Good luck!

[nighten]

I totally agree! We've been using the Signing Time videos for a few months now to help with teaching our one year old sign language and she's picked up on them beautifully! If you have an issue with letting your child watch any TV (we did -- the ST videos are the only thing we let her watch, though I'd have preferred no TV at all but these have really been very helpful for us), then you can watch the videos and learn and then teach your child that way. I wouldn't bother with the "Baby Signing Time" though as it's pretty flashy and kind of cruddy in comparison to the regular series.

Sign language as a whole definitely can help though I think. It has absolutely helped us, and when Winnie gets fussy I ask her what she wants. She knows enough signs now to get the point across and we all feel better.

This is the main site we use for signs not covered in the videos:

http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm

It's very comprehensive and easy to use.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by StormySar

He makes no audible words and does make sounds and will communicate with us just not verbally.

Is your ped worried about this? I definitely don't want to freak you out, but I just can't really remember and it kind of seems like an 18 month old w/o any words might be worrisome. It wasn't that long ago that my middle one was 18 months, you'd think I'd know!

Anyway, my middle one is also one who won't let himself be consoled. I try to just offer him my calm empathy or maybe a back rub while he lays on the floor. I also try to do lots of talking and explaining, and did when he was 18 months old too. I think it's hard to realize how much they're understanding when they aren't talking, but it really has helped him to develop a little patience.

[RootBeerFloat]

18 months is a really, really tough age. My dd was similar, she had a very, very few words at that age and experienced a LOT of frustration. I can tell from your post that you feel that these tantrums are an attempt to manipulate you into giving him what he wants. I don't believe that children are inheriently manipulative; please do not assume the worst of your child--he is still just a baby! Tantrums are an expression of feelings, valid, ugly, powerful.

I don't beleive it is a parent's job to "tame" undesirable behavior. Your son is expressing his feelings the best way that is available to him right now. I think that feelings should be encouraged, not suppressed. He doesn't have self control yet, remember that he's still a baby. These tantrums ARE a form of verbal and physical communication with you, listen to what he has to say. It helps me to bear in mind that all behaviors--ugly or not--are an expression of a need. A tantrum is an expression of sadness, frustration, and anger.

I think it's far better to work on controlling myself when dd is having a meltdown and to give her space to express her feelings safely and completely. This doesn't mean that I back down from a limit, only that I give her space to fully react before we transition on to the next thing. I don't hold her if she doesn't want to be held, don't touch her if she doesn't want to be touched. If she hits me, I try to prevent the hit before it happens; if she does hit me I say, we don't hit mommy. If she hits again, I move, but remain present so that I'm not isolating her or her feelings. I let her cry and rage as long as she needs to. I believe that she will not seriously hurt herself in this process, and if she does, then she will know not to do it again (of course I would warn her if I were concerned that she was about to hurt herself).

Listening to feelings of anger and rage are really hard for me, it takes alot of patience and mindfulness on my part just to be present and not try to intervene or fix things. Often, this listening takes a long time, and hour or more sometimes. But, once dd is heard, she is happier and more relaxed. And the tantrums will diminish over time, as your ds understands that you respect his feelings and will not try to manipulate him out of them with distraction, punishment, ignoring, etcetera.

A good article on this topic is here: http://www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm