frustration with Unconditional Parenting

[sunnylady303]

I guess I should probably say frustration with myself, not with the book. This was such a revolutionary book for me that I am going to have to read it several times to take it in. And I need to try and find the DVD for my dh. I am feeling like a terrible mom after reading that book. I am challenged by the praise and reward stuff (I am the "good job" queen). I am so directive and not patient at all. And I definitely have done the love withdrawal stuff. Part of my frustration is that I agree with what he said and want to change but I am so bad at changing without specific guidance. I need to ask Alfie, "Okay so when my 3 year old hits her one year old sister what do I do?" "When she won't go to sleep what do I do?" I just don't quite know what parenting that way LOOKS like, you know? It's so different than anything I have ever seen. What a new world. Of course when I got pregnant the first time, I never knew anyone who bfed and didn't even know people ever co-slept and now here I am so maybe there is hope for me. Anyway - anyone have any advice for how to make this stuff more real for me so I can be a better parent?

[Pam_and_Abigail]

You know, I can completely relate. I loved the book when I read it, but it's hard to put to use, and I've heard that complaint before about it.
We have been taught how to parent by our own previous generation, so it is vry hard to break out of those patterns.

I don't know how you'd feel about a second rcommendation, but I found Hilary Flower's book "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" a better book for hands on application. Alfie Kohn's book is like an ideal to me. He's got research, and it's very much a philosophy, but it is short on real life tips. The two books together make a good pair. "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" gives you a little more on what to do to be proactive. Here's an example of something I've done lately:

One of the early chapters discusses the idea that when children misbehave, it's because of an unmet need. The author outlines basic needs for children, and one that struck me is connection. Me and my dd1 haven't connected well since her sister was born, and we've had a lot of troubles with her being aggressive to dd2. Lately I've bee making sure I connect with my older daughter, before she gets into a "mood", while we're all pleasant. Several times a day, I will connect with her for a little cuddle, or a kind discourse. Now, this specific solution may not work for you, but there are other ideas too.

I hope this has been helpful, if not what you were looking for.

[hippymomma69]

I liked Becky Bailey's book "Easy to Love, DIfficult to Discipline" - same/similar ideas there but more practical, real world examples....

hth
peace,
robyn

[numericmama]

I keep Easy To Love, Difficult to Discipline in the bathroom now that i have read it through once. Just reading 1 or 2 pages a day helps me to refocus and remember what I have learned.

I still have a long ways to go though.

[mammal_mama]

You're right that UP's a book you want to read a few times 'til it becomes part of you. UP's not a list of do's and dont's, it's a whole new way of looking at your child.

To me, it's being reflective, asking myself if my children feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are, regardless of performance. It's setting my automatic pilot to say "yes" to my children's requests -- so I'm not just automatically saying "no" without thinking about it.

I realize many parents want more explicit instructions -- but I prefer Kohn's approach of challenging us to think differently. I don't think there's any one "way" a UP family looks. I actually feel more respected by Kohn, because he presents the research and challenges convention -- but leaves it up to parents to incorporate UP in their own unique ways, with their own unique children.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by sunnylady303

I am feeling like a terrible mom after reading that book. I am challenged by the praise and reward stuff (I am the "good job" queen). I am so directive and not patient at all. And I definitely have done the love withdrawal stuff.

I'm sure you know this already, but it doesn't do any good to feel terrible about how you parented in the past. It's good to remember it and learn from it, but feeling guilty about it, can only be negative. kwim? What's that phrase I hear so often here? When you know better, you do better.

Part of my frustration is that I agree with what he said and want to change but I am so bad at changing without specific guidance. I need to ask Alfie, "Okay so when my 3 year old hits her one year old sister what do I do?"

I LOVED Becoming The Parent You Want To Be for specific concrete suggestions on WHAT TO DO with a child up to 5yo. I loved the UP philosophy, and TCC, but they didn't really tell me what to do. I think BTP is a perfect complement to the more philosophy oriented gd books.

[mammal_mama]

What's TCC?

[DevaMajka]

TCC=The Continuum Concept

[georgia]

I wanted to echo deva33's comment about BTP...it's a great resource I highly recommend

[rachellanigh]

I've seen other "UP" moms handle hitting like this....

"Stop! You may not hit. Look at your sister's face. She is sad. Hitting hurts. Try gentle hands...."

This focuses on the consequences of hitting and gives an alternative behavior.

I also recommend "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline."

[angie3096]

EASY TO LOVE, DIFFICULT TO DISCIPLINE.
IMO, Unconditional Parenting should come with a free copy of the Becky Bailey book. Kohn gives you theory, Bailey gives you practice. Read it. You will feel much better.

[village idiot]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the suggestions. I am checking easy to love, difficult to discipline tomorrow at the library.