When to tell unsupportive people...

[guest9921]

Or, people you'd rather not know.
Like my mother.

DH's parents will most likely be unsupportive at first, but will be extremely supportive in the long run. I can see them being 'disappointed' due to their own social blah hangups. (Neither DH nor I have graduated college, and its not something I am looking to do in the near future. I've come to accept my place in the world happily - and do not need to pay for my education to further my happiness in life.)
I think they'll think it is too soon (#1 & #2 will be 2.5 yrs apart.)
And I think they will worry about our finances. They're worriers. (We're frugal, and we have to be, but we're doing allright.)

Note that they were the most supportive when it came to DS, but this time around it is planned and we're growing our family. I think they may take it as a "didn't you learn the first time".







So when (and how) do you tell those who are unsupportive (worried) of your choices?
I'd kind of like to just not, and see them very obviously pregnant and do the "oh, we didn't tell you?" kind of thing. But I believe they would be, rightfully , hurt - and thats not my goal.

[Marvelleaux]

First of all, congrats! I'm not in your due date club, but I saw the post and couldn't resist

One of the "tactics" I use when entering any situation where I think a "negotiation" will take place is to bring along with me a list of things my fellow debater might lob at me and some possible responses. It's very simple to do and can go a long way towards making you feel good about your own decisions because you know just how much thought you put into it. It also helps keep the emotion out of your responses which will keep you from loosing your tact. I'd also advice addressing your fears up front when initially bring up the conversation. Something like:

"DH and I have some news but we're a little nervous about sharing it with you because we're concerned that you might react by focusing on financial/scholastic objectives which is not a topic we're interested in discussing at this point in time".

Then let the conversation begin...

Good luck!

P.S. I forgot to say, a really good general rule of thumb for telling people about pregnancy is to only tell those folks who you *know* for certain will be supportive of you during the first trimester, or if you have no choice. You do not want to deal with the stupid comments made by people who think you're making a mistake.

[zjande]

Well, you email them the news.

Seriously, that way you don't have to deal with their issues & their possibly unsupportive response. You can just scan their email response, remind yourself that this pregnancy is a blessing & your family rocks, & wait for everyone else to realize it too.

My brother's (whom I really do adore) emailed response to my news: "Gheeez, how many kids do you NEED???"

[Sihaya]

Originally Posted by Katfka

(Neither DH nor I have graduated college, and its not something I am looking to do in the near future. I've come to accept my place in the world happily - and do not need to pay for my education to further my happiness in life.)

This is us 100%! As soon as we got married, the only question DH's family asks is "When are you going back to school?" Luckily, it's his extended family and not MIL or FIL so much.

Originally Posted by Katfka

So when (and how) do you tell those who are unsupportive (worried) of your choices?

My mother and his parents will be very supportive of us. MIL knows we were planning on trying soon and is looking forward to her first grandchild. I told my mother before I even knew for sure. But because all of our family lives in a small town, we've decided not to tell his parents or my very unsupportive father about it until the second trimester.

Our plan is to tell his parents and my father in person the first week of June, then immediately call all of our grandparents (there are six sets) and tell them. This whole business is further complicated by the fact that my father is DH's boss and the point at which you tell your father is much earlier than the point at which you tell your DH's job.

As far as "how," we are really excited to tell MIL & FIL (though I wish I could hide the entire pg from BIL because he's a huge jerk), so we will both go over to their house and tell them in person. We haven't decided if we want me to go to my dad's work/home to tell him or just have DH do it while he's at work. When my sister told my dad she was pg (at 20, unmarried, unplanned), he replied "But you only have a 2-door car. You can't have a baby with a 2-door car." Then his wife gave her money for an abortion. So, his unsupportiveness comes not so much from a place of worry as from a place of insensitivity and perceiving having children to be the biggest mistake he ever made.

I guess I don't have much advice, just and hope it helps to know you aren't alone.

[mama_b]

If I knew someone would be unsupportive I wouldn't tell them at all. But that's just me. The only person who has been less than supportive this time was my grandma, which really surprised me. I called to talk to my dad (he lives with them because he can't take care of himself) and my grandma answered the phone. I told her the good news and she said "Oh. Was this planned?" Me: "Of course." Her: "Oh. Well, here's your dad." :

[zjande]

You know what I do for fun? I totally lurk on the quiverful threads on MDC, & surf qf sites sometimes. Although I may not agree with some of their other beliefs personally, I love love love how inspiring & refreshing it is to read words from women in families that believe every single baby is a gift & a blessing to be celebrated. It really is fantastic. I wish that everyone saw new babies that way.

[Belleweather]

Originally Posted by Katfka

DH's parents will most likely be unsupportive at first, but will be extremely supportive in the long run. I can see them being 'disappointed' due to their own social blah hangups. (Neither DH nor I have graduated college, and its not something I am looking to do in the near future. I've come to accept my place in the world happily - and do not need to pay for my education to further my happiness in life.)
I think they'll think it is too soon (#1 & #2 will be 2.5 yrs apart.)
And I think they will worry about our finances. They're worriers. (We're frugal, and we have to be, but we're doing allright.)
.

Hey! I'm in Madison, too! And my DS is right about the same age as your kiddo!

I think my mom is going to be disappointed too, for a lot of the same reasons. We've finished our educations but we don't have much savings, secure jobs, health insurance, or any idea where we'll be living and a TON of student loan debt. And she just seems to have a hard time seperating her life and my life lately. She got in my face about not keeping our house up to her standards over Thanksgiving (Yeah, um... we have a toddler and you don't! I think that explains the mess!) and has a really hard time realising that other people can have their own lives and choices that are different than her's and they're still okay. I'm terrified to tell her.

On the other hand... everyone is going to be here for our graduation next month, so we're going to bite the bullet and tell them. I'm a chicken, so we're going to wait until the second bottle of champagne. : And I will probably have to put my foot down and say rather forcefully that "If you can't say anything nice" applies here.

[guest9921]

Originally Posted by Belleweather

Hey! I'm in Madison, too! And my DS is right about the same age as your kiddo!

I think my mom is going to be disappointed too, for a lot of the same reasons. We've finished our educations but we don't have much savings, secure jobs, health insurance, or any idea where we'll be living and a TON of student loan debt. And she just seems to have a hard time seperating her life and my life lately. She got in my face about not keeping our house up to her standards over Thanksgiving (Yeah, um... we have a toddler and you don't! I think that explains the mess!) and has a really hard time realising that other people can have their own lives and choices that are different than her's and they're still okay. I'm terrified to tell her.

On the other hand... everyone is going to be here for our graduation next month, so we're going to bite the bullet and tell them. I'm a chicken, so we're going to wait until the second bottle of champagne. : And I will probably have to put my foot down and say rather forcefully that "If you can't say anything nice" applies here.

Hello Madisonite.
Congratulations on graduating!

We'll have to get together sometime, I'm always looking for local AP families.


I'm still unsure how to go about it. I may just be a total wimp and have DH tell them. :

[Jyniffre]

I just don't want to tell my mother and grandmother because when they find out I'm pregnant all of the sudden I shouldn't lift a limb until the baby is born. Every comment is about how some activity will hurt the baby. I guess it is showing that they care, but it is irratating and embarressing. I am also an extremely private person with my family and don't even tell them I'm in labor - they find out I was in labor after the baby is born. My mom also asks if she was the first to know (she never is). Specifically, she asks if my godmother already knows. I'm going to tell her that she is the first "we've told" (as in my husband and I together - I'll make sure that happens). I guess this is all pretty unhealthy but I just don't want to deal with the drama (my mother also becomes a pregnant princess when one of us girls is pregnant) and I know she isn't going to change. I've not told anyone in my family except my sister in England about my two miscarriages. I probably will eventually, but in my own good time when the child bearing years are behind me.

[wife&mommy]

I would wait until after the first trimester at least. Then its unlikely that anything will happen to the baby and then at least they won't be unsupportive during a miscarriage, etc. But really I'd wait as long as possible. We are waiting a while this time just in case there are unsupportive people.

[tappahannock]

Zjande, I loved your suggestion. I just told my own mother today, and she didn't say congratulations, that's wonderful news, or anything. She said, "Oh! That is interesting!" I should have been prepared because she always seems to think that babies and toddlers are huge burdens for everyone. Whenever we see a family with a few young children she always points out how hard and awful it must be for the mother. She loved having children herself but now all she can see for all of us is the work, work, work. It's a very sad viewpoint and I get tired of hearing it.
I thought I might get at least a "great! exciting!" Oh well, I guess what ds and I think is the most important thing, and we are thrilled to be blessed with the gift of this little life.

[Mewsin]

I think around the time of the birth will work for me.

[FroNuff]

I'm struggling with this myself this time around because I know that both of our families will not be happy or supportive, at least initially. To make matters worse, my MIL and I are going through some issues right now, and she is our babysitter, so I'm sure she will feel she needs to put her opinion in the mix.

Our reasons for being a bit hesitant to tell the family is pretty much the same as everyone else's -- we're not in the best financial position, I'm in the middle of my music degree (I'm old, so there isn't so much of a rush to finish it ), and it seems like most of our relatives stop at 2 children. Plus, we only have 1 small car that has a lot of mileage on it, so I'm sure that will be one of the first things thrown in our faces. The more I type, the less I want to tell anyone but a handful of people who aren't even family! But my grandmother (who is essentially my mother) will be very, very pissed off if I don't tell her, and my MIL will have to find out eventually since she lives in the same city.

Good luck with everyone who is going through this. It really stinks that people outside of a couple's relationship can tend to make a new pregnancy their personal business. Unless someone lives with their parents in the tiniest of homes and/or is completely dependant on family, it's really only the couple's business, IMO.

[GinaRae]

We started telling people around 6 weeks and are still telling them at 8.5 weeks. Some knew around 4 weeks.

At first I was really flat out offended and disappointed at all the negativity. Then I sort of just let that go and am dealing with it. We're still getting a mixed bag of reactions and I am letting the negative ones roll off me.

I can't imagine not being excited for someone having a baby, even if I was worried. But I guess I am just delusional!

[guest9921]

Originally Posted by GinaRae

We started telling people around 6 weeks and are still telling them at 8.5 weeks. Some knew around 4 weeks.

At first I was really flat out offended and disappointed at all the negativity. Then I sort of just let that go and am dealing with it. We're still getting a mixed bag of reactions and I am letting the negative ones roll off me.

I can't imagine not being excited for someone having a baby, even if I was worried. But I guess I am just delusional!

I'm surprised at how excited I am at this pregnancy - I saw a mother in Target walking with her baby - and I just did that big 'I'm having a baby' Smile. I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about.


I've told one of my close friends, my uncle, and our neighbors, and CNutty (Local MDCer) - other than that, no family members, really. I've sworn my uncle to secrecy - but then again, he's been egging me on to have another one.




With my mother - whom I'm really not terribly close with - I'm afraid of her 'positive' reaction. I'm afraid of her sobbing, and getting very emotional, etc.
Because of our past relationship (really strained,) its hard for me to have intimate moments with her, and to be perfectly honest, I get quite uncomfortable.



ATM, I'm thinking that DH may swing this as an 'accident' - or even something that he's not terribly happy about, to his parents (the unsupportive ones.)
I think it would help them accept it better, but its really not the case. This wasn't an accident, and we're both really excited for it. I'm personally offended by such a thought.

I'm getting ahead of myself.
Boy do I get pregnancy emotional at times. I just dream up all these Could-Be scenerios.

I'll take it as it comes, and have a talk with DH to make sure he knows that I would be upset if he were to lighten the 'blow' by pretending that it was irresponsibility.
I should give him more credit, he's really learned to hold his own.

*sigh*

/end rambles

[VickV]

I'd kick 'em in the shins and not bother telling them. I can't stand people who think it's their business to tell you how to run your life!

Congrats!!

[GinaRae]

While I had to "talk hubby into it" it was then therefore his ultimate decision. So I am in the camp that if he said, "Yes, let's try for a baby," then he's on board all the way.

So I had a talk with him about sounding like that (saying anything negative about it being an accident or against his better judgment). I told him how much it would hurt me if he did that at this point. I need his support all the way.

He was a little tweaked at first that I was telling him what to do and "how to feel," but he's been supportive and sweet.

[Mom2Wilmo]

I am going to be going through that with DH's family bigtime. I am planning on sending them a picture of our youngest in a shirt that says "I'm the Big Sister." Then write when we are due and how excited we are. If you just act really excited and blessed then they have to be on your side. Whose gonna go againist that. It worked this weekend on my step mom who never had kids and I know thinks we're nuts. I just told her how happy we were to be expecting again. She pretty much had to go along with my good mood.

[Belleweather]

Originally Posted by Katfka

Hello Madisonite.
Congratulations on graduating!

We'll have to get together sometime, I'm always looking for local AP families.


I'm still unsure how to go about it. I may just be a total wimp and have DH tell them. :

We really should! All of my mama friends are really nice, but also pretty mainstream. I'd love to meet more real life AP families.

Also, I'm totally having DH tell them. He can make a toast at dinner or something, and I'll just sit in my seat and blush so hard that my capillaries erupt. He's not so into that plan, but *I* like it fine.