Polite question

[Miajean]

One of my good friends has recently come out of the closet.

He is in a on again off again relationship with the perfect guy, really understanding, calm, loving, supportive etc., because he can't handle why he feels "normal" when he's queer.

I'm so used to open relationships and to open lifestyles that it is hard for me that he is going through so much with family over dating a "nice girl" and he might stay like this for a while, he wants a family, he's from a serious religious background, and wanted to start a family young, now he is all confused and sure he can never be a "good dad" though I listen and say he may one day see it is better then he thinks I want to kick him...shake him, holler at him. He's so lucky he has someone who loves him as he is, someone he can find a good life with and so many "hetero" couples never find that! his only real problem is kinda....getting over his own guilt (he's gay, the family will never forgive him) and I know that is big, and I grew up among open people so I need to stay calm...but what do you think would help in showing him how good relationships with both genders can be great families tooo?????

Arrgghhh...deep rural communities can be rough and he was/is in one trying to get his bearings.

[gamitzer]

Miajean, it's great that you are open and wanting to help him! It sounds like he is dealing with some confusion and self-hatred, and the best thing for him would be to talk to a counselor of some sort. It's tough because he was confident and sure enough to come out, but is now dealing with all the "future" questions, like can I/we have children, will I be happy, will I get hurt/discriminated against, what if my family/community never speaks to me again, etc. He really needs reassurance, by a counselor, and his friends. I would suggest he try to calm himself down by talking to other people about coming out, maybe go to a PFLAG meeting to talk about his fears, and doing some research on gay fathers. The scariest part of coming out is the unknown, so he will probably feel a lot better after talking to people and learning more about living a confident queer life.
Good luck! Meredith

[Miajean]

You're right...I never even thought it might help if he went to a counselor about how to handle coming out to all his family (hasn't yet, only his friends)

I get so ...stunned that families do this...ignore thier own blood so much, families should fight, argue, complain but never ignore each other!