Would you be around your parents if...

[wifty]

Would you be around your parents if you knew that they were going to say negative things about hubby? Even if you could get them to not say them to your face, what if you knew they would say stuff to your child as soon as you weren't around?

My parents are not liking my hubby right now for no reason. They do both have mental problems, and that makes it more difficult.

They also live half-way across the country, so I don't see them often, but because of their current attitude, I feel that I have to break contact with them since I don't want to risk them saying things to my 3 year old daughter.

Sigh. I love my parents, but I don't know what to do.

Hope someone here has some advice.

with smiles,
rebecca

[A&A]

No, if I couldn't get them to stop it, I would not ever be around them.

Sorry!

[sphinxie]

I would minimize contact to whatever worked best for me and my immediate family.

[ThreeBeans]

I definitely would not expose my child to them. No way, no how.

[alegna]

nope.

-Angela

[JanB]

Saying things to me: depends on how bad it was, how constant, etc. I might be able to let some stuff slide off my back.

Saying things to my CHILD, particularly while not in my presence: Deal-breaker. These people would not be around my children.

[MommytoTwo]

No I wouldnt.

[cdahlgrd]

THis is a hard one because we really don't know the situation or how bad it is. I think that I would simply not leave my kids alone with them and be very clear about what they can say about dh. You aren't close, so it won't be like seeing them twice a day or even once a month.

I try not to cut people out of my life, I have too few people in it as it is and we all have our faults (of course some more serious than others). However, you are Mom, you get to decide the rules.

[_betsy_]

My parents have been known to wait until I'm out of earshot to say nasty things (or at least, things that he construed as nasty) to my husband about his religion and his profession. Made my blood boil.

I had to have a talk with them about "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and about how if they kept it up, they wouldn't be welcomed in our home anymore. I think I may need to remind them of this discussion before we see them again.

With mentally ill folks, you may need to have a simple, straightforward "We're a family and you can't say mean things about him without offedning me, too" discussion with them. Also, talk with your DD, just to warn her they may say something that hurts her feelings.

[Monkeygrrl]

first, the expectation would be that they would talk and act respectful when they are in your house and around your children...

second, if they cant handle that, then contact will be limited, but the expectation will still be there...

third, if they cant handle that, then there will be no contact until respect can be shown...

my immediate family has made it very clear that because i am bi and have the family dynamic that i do, that they cannot have contact with me because they cant be respectful...i am not asking that they like it, but they know how to be polite...apparently they cannot even manage that...so there is no contact...my children deserve better than that...and it has been explained to them that my family doesnt like me because of who i am and the family i have...and how thats not very nice so we dont see them...they understand that and are ok with it...its frustrating to the older ones, as they knew these people before they made this decision...but its better for the separation to be there, and the kids get that...

i am sorry you are having to go through this...

peace...

[hellyaellen]

mama.

my dad and his wife do say mean things about dh. not even to the kids (afaik) but to me and that is definately limiting their contact with me and my family.

[LoveBeads]

No, I wouldn't allow my daughter to be hurt by hearing hurtful things about her father.

[Rockies5]

If they have mental problems they shouldn't be alone with a 3yo anyway.

I wouldn't break contact, personally; just control the enviornment. Always be there and talk up dh just in case they still do say something whle you are there.

[wifty]

Thanks for all the response.....it helps me feel better about my choices.

We tried to stay the night there last night and dd started having an allergic reaction to something and so we said we had to take her out of the house and were headed towards the hospital. She was wheezing and her lips were swollen.

Anyways, they freaked that we would leave and now say that the only reason I choose to do that is because dh must be physically abusive. Sigh....I left because dd was reacting to something in their house. We have since learned that it was probably the trees outside since we did get dd allergy tested.

So, I can't have them telling me or her that dh is abusive.....that is just too much I think.

Anyways, thanks for the responses. It really does help. The whole situation is just hard.

with smiles,
rebecca

[nextcommercial]

No. Sadly, that would break my heart, but I would back my husband up before I would back up my parents.

[DebHibb]

Originally Posted by sphinxie

I would minimize contact to whatever worked best for me and my immediate family.

Ditto. My DH, and my boys are the most important thing to me right now, and in the foreseeable future. As much as I love my parents, I wouldn't jeapordize my relationship with the people I live with day in and day out.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by wifty

Even if you could get them to not say them to your face, what if you knew they would say stuff to your child as soon as you weren't around?

Sigh. I love my parents, but I don't know what to do.

Not only should they not be saying stuff about her dad behind your back, they shouldn't be doing anything behind your back. The fact that they feel it's necessary to go behind your back means they know you disapprove and they think it's okay to deceive you. Not good. You are the mom.

You can love them forever, but that doesn't require you to expose your daughter to this sort of thing.

And I'm sorry this is happening, it does sound difficult!

[2Sweeties1Angel]

If they have mental problems they shouldn't be alone with a 3yo anyway.

I'm bipolar so I guess I shouldn't be left alone with my kids, huh? : Nice.

Your parents should respect your husband. If they can't/won't, they do have an obligation to not say anything negative about him around your children. If they can't handle that, they don't need to be around the kids.

[rmzbm]

No, I would not.

[wifty]

Thank you so much for the support. I 'know' what I should do, but it does help to know that I am making the choice that others would make as well - that I am reading the situation correctly you know?

The mental problems part in itself, isn't a problem - if they accepted them and were treated that is. But they aren't. Dad is extremely bipolar and narcissitic and refuses to follow doctors orders for treatment. That is a choice he is making. Mom is aspergers. I don't know that there is anythign really to do for that.

Anyways, thanks. This is hard. I love my parents and want family in my daughters life.

rebecca