How to explain to ds why other kids are mean to him?

[Ex Libris]

When other kids are aggressive with ds and he asks why, I don't like saying that the kids are mean, so I try to say that what those kids are doing is not nice. Then he always asks, "why?" Of course he's wondering why they are like that. I don't know what to say.

Also, I always feel like such a hypocrit when I tell ds not to hit or be mean when so many kids do this to him (he's very sensitive). He sometimes acts aggressive right back to them and then doesn't understand why I tell him it's not ok.

[Roar]

Different kids learn different things at different times. For some kids learning not to hit is easy, for some kids it takes longer just like for some kids learning to ride a bike is easy and for some kids it takes longer.

My emphasis wouldn't be on mean or nice but on everyone is learning and comparing yourself to others isn't important, but figuring out what you need to work on is. Your son may find it easy not to hit but he may have a harder time learning to handle rough and tumble play without over reacting. So, I'd make the emphasis, everyone is learning, what are you learning today?

[Ruthla]

I tell my kids that other people are still learning how to be gentle, but some of them haven't finished learning yet. Well, that's the phrasing I use with DS anyway. With the girls we talk about self control, how the way somebody has been treated in the past can affect their behavior now, how you can be mad at one person then let it out on somebody else, etc.

I often tell DS "yes, i know that M is bigger than you, but he IS still a child and he makes mistakes sometimes." DS often doesn't realize that "big kids" are still kids and holds them to higher standards of behavior.

[P-chan]

I tell my son that the "mean" kids are just having a hard day today, or a tough time playing right now. If the child is considerably younger I might say that s/he hasn't learned how to share (or not throw sand, etc.) yet. For a specific action, I'll sometimes say that the other child made a mistake.

When my son notices that I won't allow what he sees other kids doing ("But they're throwing sand too!"), I tell him that what I'm talking about is HIM, not THEM. This is usually accompanied by leaving the area.

[simplehome]

I also try to stay away from labeling other kids as "mean" or "bad", especially because I know that my son will someday do those exact same things to someone else, and I don't want him to think he's a mean person or a bad person. I also just tell him that X is having a rough day, and that maybe they need a little more space.

He's starting to be that kid more and more---I see other parents of younger children asking why my son is "picking on them", but they just don't realize yet that their own angels will someday do these same things. It's just a part of learning.

[Ex Libris]

Thanks for your suggestions. I've been telling him that "everyone is learning," but all of you have given me some better ways to phrase it.

[hipumpkins]

In our world..everyone is learning. even mommy and daddy. Some things jsut take time to learn and their mommy and daddy will help them. you can help by saying ..."Stop I don't like to be hit. I am playing here" or whatever seems appropriate.

[Ex Libris]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

In our world..everyone is learning. even mommy and daddy. Some things jsut take time to learn and their mommy and daddy will help them. you can help by saying ..."Stop I don't like to be hit. I am playing here" or whatever seems appropriate.

Yes, exactly. That's what I usually mean when I say that "everyone is learning." I mean myself, too (as is obvious by my post! ).

On a related note . . . how do you explain the truly bad people in this world (the ones whose mommy and daddy probably didn't help them)? Ds is obviously too young to hear about that, but I often wonder what I'm going to say when it comes up.