I don't even know what I need.

[sadie_sabot]

I realized that I have been yelling at my kid lately. a lot. losing my patience with ehr easily, yelling over her to get her to stop whining and listen to me...

for ehr part, she is whiing a LOT and freaks out over nothing (well, what to me is nothign) a lot. Like, last night she pitched a fit because at story time my pillows were higher than hers. aughhhh!

I feel like I'v elost the thread of how I want to parent. My mom yelled all the time. I don't want my kid to say that. I want to approach her with compassion, not impatience. I want to be able to respond calmly to her freak outs, because I *know* that if my response to ehr is to freak out, I'm actually reinforcing the idea that freaking out is acceptable.

Certainly some of this is coming from her...her intensity, her short fuse, etc....but I am the adult, right? And I have the capacity to figure out how to get out of this yelling thing now before it becomes a habit. I can't even believe that I've been doing it and only this morning realized it.

ugh.

I know I'm not being real clear here but maybe someone has some input??

[claras_mom]

My mom once said to me, "I yelled at you kids a lot when you were little; I hope it didn't scar you."

OK I'm paraphrasing; she may not have used the word 'scar,' but that was the gist. To tell you the truth, I didn't remember being yelled at; spanked now and again <sigh>, but not yelled at.

But what I'm realizing with dd is that my instinct in dealing with my own "big feelings" is to yell, so it may be that more "stuck" than I'd thought. In other words, I too sometimes yell at my kid.

Very often when I'm the most frustrated with dd and want to yell, it's when I'm tired, or preoccupied. So I try to give myself a time out, either by going into the other room (always telling her "be right back!") or by pulling dh into the process. In the case of something weird like the pillow thing, I'd just offer to work with her to fix it, or trade spots or something.

So I guess the bottom line is, are you getting the rest and positive input you need, from other sources, to be a calm parent to an intense kid?

[sadie_sabot]

Originally Posted by claras_mom

So I guess the bottom line is, are you getting the rest and positive input you need, from other sources, to be a calm parent to an intense kid?

Ah, very good question. the answer is decidedly no. I have to think aobut that.

[violet]

We've been dealing with some intense feelings over here too. DD is almost 5 and her tone of voice and "I'm gonna do it anyway" attitude have really gotten to me. And worst of all, I hear my own exhasperated tone of voice in her. In other words, I know where she's been learning it.
She and I just had a talk. We agreed that when she gets "grumpy-umpy" I will not raise my voice or take things away--
I will come over give her a big hug, tell her how much I love her and when she feels more calm she can tell me what the problem is in a calm voice -- and she can do the same for me.I don't really expect her to help me deal with my intense feelings-- but talking about it with her really helped us both. And today, about 10 times, she started to get off course and I did the hug thing. You know what, it calmed us both down. It helped her get in control of herself and it put me in a positive loving frame of mind so I could proceed.
just a thought

[sadie_sabot]

Huh, I used to do that when she was a toddler, hug her when she was freaking out, that is. I wonder if that would work for her now...making a point of reconnecting when things are getting crazy. Hoenstly I think *I* need something, because she is perfectly happy dawfdling along and I get all freaked out and stressed; well, at least that's what the mornings are like.

[violet]

Self care. Cant say enough about self care. At one point I started checking in on myself when I was getting anxious and snappy with my precious babes and it went something like this:
Self, what do you need?
Self: "Hmmm. I need to Peee!"
I wasn't even letting myself go to the bathroom when I needed too I was so rushing around doing everything for everybody. After a pee, I felt much mroe relaxed and functioned better with the kids. Not saying that's your issue, but even basic self care can be enough to calm things down. Then there's B vitamins, amino acids, etc; a hot bath; time with a loved one; time ALONE; time chatting with friends; exercising; hmmmmm .. I'm much better now about checking in with myself. Sometimes my self just needs to sit on the couch and page through a magazine for a few minutes before I tackle the next thing.
Good luck

[sadie_sabot]

thanks, violet. I have been a little stressed lately; doing a little too much and also having some body aches. which definitely makes me less patient. I'm really good at ignoring my body...gotta work on that.

[Mamma Mia]

I don't have a lot of good advice, I just wanted to chime in and say that 4 is an age of short fuses, whining, being totally stubborn, having irrational desires, and generally being really really difficult to parent. I had a therapist once who told me that 4 is the age when children really assert themselves as individuals, separate themselves from their family unit a little bit. That's why they dig their heels in and need things to be exactly.their.way. even when it doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone else. It's the little kid version of saying, "I am my own person!" And so my therapist that you knew you were doing things right as a parent if your four year old was a stubborn little hellion. Perhaps those weren't her exact words, but that is what I tell myself every time I hear a whining or demanding shrill little four year old voice!

[sadie_sabot]

thank you, mama mia. My kid's preschool's director said something similar to me, about how dd and I have always been very close and so her pulling away to be her own person will be perhaps especially hard.

It's really good to get all of this perspective.

[chfriend]

sadie_s: I've got a really intense kid and humor is the only way I survive. I mutter stuff about boarding preschool to my friends. I remember she'll mellow with age. I sing in opera voices. I ask my friends to tell me jokes. I belly dance. I go to the Dragon Tales or Big Big World site and play the songs and sing along while dancing.

When I lighten up, so does she.

And if I do yell, I apologize and start again.

[sadie_sabot]

Originally Posted by chfriend

sadie_s: I've got a really intense kid and humor is the only way I survive. I mutter stuff about boarding preschool to my friends. I remember she'll mellow with age. I sing in opera voices. I ask my friends to tell me jokes. I belly dance. I go to the Dragon Tales or Big Big World site and play the songs and sing along while dancing.

When I lighten up, so does she.

And if I do yell, I apologize and start again.

oh, yeah. My kid is usually pretty quick to respond to humour. i just have to get out of my own emotional repsonses and crabbiness to try to take it there. and, yeah, if I lighten up, so does she; i need to remember that.

Is your kid a scorpio? LOL

[chfriend]

Libra on the cusp with Scorpio. *I'm* the Scorpio in my family (cusping Sag). Thank goodness dp is a Taurus and dd2 is a Cancer.

[mommy2girlies]

Originally Posted by sadie_sabot

I realized that I have been yelling at my kid lately. a lot. losing my patience with ehr easily, yelling over her to get her to stop whining and listen to me...

This post could totally be mine. I seriously know how you're feeling. DD1 is going to be 5 soon and DD2 is going to be 3 and around this house its "monkey-see, monkey-do" So I've got it twice over! ARGH! Thank you for your post, cuz you put into words what I needed to say, but couldn't figure out how to. :

Originally Posted by violet

We've been dealing with some intense feelings over here too. DD is almost 5 and her tone of voice and "I'm gonna do it anyway" attitude have really gotten to me. And worst of all, I hear my own exhasperated tone of voice in her. In other words, I know where she's been learning it.
She and I just had a talk. We agreed that when she gets "grumpy-umpy" I will not raise my voice or take things away--
I will come over give her a big hug, tell her how much I love her and when she feels more calm she can tell me what the problem is in a calm voice -- and she can do the same for me.I don't really expect her to help me deal with my intense feelings-- but talking about it with her really helped us both. And today, about 10 times, she started to get off course and I did the hug thing. You know what, it calmed us both down. It helped her get in control of herself and it put me in a positive loving frame of mind so I could proceed.
just a thought

This is wonderful advice! I think most times Im the one who needs the "time out"

Originally Posted by violet

Self care. Cant say enough about self care. At one point I started checking in on myself when I was getting anxious and snappy with my precious babes and it went something like this:
Self, what do you need?
Self: "Hmmm. I need to Peee!"
I wasn't even letting myself go to the bathroom when I needed too I was so rushing around doing everything for everybody. After a pee, I felt much mroe relaxed and functioned better with the kids. Not saying that's your issue, but even basic self care can be enough to calm things down. Then there's B vitamins, amino acids, etc; a hot bath; time with a loved one; time ALONE; time chatting with friends; exercising; hmmmmm .. I'm much better now about checking in with myself. Sometimes my self just needs to sit on the couch and page through a magazine for a few minutes before I tackle the next thing.
Good luck

This is soooo true! I don't take enough "me" time and I get really frazzled. A frazzled mommy does not make for a happy mommy

[sadie_sabot]

Originally Posted by chfriend

Libra on the cusp with Scorpio. *I'm* the Scorpio in my family (cusping Sag). Thank goodness dp is a Taurus and dd2 is a Cancer.

LOL. my dd is a scorpio, through and through. me and dp are both cancers. Plus all the other adults in our household are sagitarians. we do ok, I think....very steamy.

[GradysMom]

Hey - I don't have a 4yr old but I wanted to back up what Violet was getting at. This sounds like a "time in" issue to me - something I learned about at my first AP meeting. Instead of yelling and time outs and stuff - babes still need closeness and reconnection.. I can totally believe that the hugs will benefit us moms...

and thanks for reminding me I need a long hot bath! My little DS takes up all my time cause I don't seem to share enough with daddy/dh