"interrupting the adults" - Page 2

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by heartmama

BUT the thing is, we three (dh, ds, and I) interrupt each other constantly as we talk. It's just how we talk. We tend to jump in and finish each other's sentences or offer ready agreement so the other person doesn't waste time finishing a thought we already understand. Not sure if that makes sense.

FTR, I will say that this is the dynamic in our house as well and it's caused me problems at work. Our child interrupts us a LOT, too, so it's simply impossible to have a conversation. I know she learned it from us and it's a real problem. I spend a good bit of my time moderator who was speaking first and who's turn it is. DH interrupts DC, too. No advice, just an issue of ours that I would like to change.

[theretohere]

I think it's unfair to expect other adults to tolerate frequent interruptions. I think it's rude if an adult interrupts- just like it's rude for a kid to do.
I think it's one thing to tolerate at home, but something that should be gently taught is inappropriate when a parent is talking to another adult. It's a good thing to learn early because it can be very off putting when the behavior continues into the teen years or adulthood.
I think it's really important to equip DD with good social skills, and waiting for the end of a conversation is one of them.

[thismama]

I agree that teaching not interrupting is a process, but I disagree that irritation with it is "bias against children." NO adult in my life interrupts me as frequently or for so many senseless things as my child does. Kids just don't get it, in a way that any 'normal' adult does get it. Adult interruptions are less frequent, less disruptive, and for better, more recognizeable reason than child interruptions, IME.

We're trying to teach our child this now. It's an issue, for sure, as especially iwth her father I find we can barely get a sentence out at a time, never mind have an entire conversation.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by theretohere

I think it's unfair to expect other adults to tolerate frequent interruptions.

I personally find it necessary to avoid hanging out with adults who can't tolerate children's interruptions.

Originally Posted by theretohere

I think it's really important to equip DD with good social skills, and waiting for the end of a conversation is one of them.

I think the best way to equip my children with good social skills is by modeling the love and tolerance I want them to internalize. Yes, I do talk with my children and say, "So-and-so was still talking, let's let her finish her sentence," but I don't necessarily expect them to wait 'til the conversation is over.

But maybe me and my friends are a little more long-winded than you and your friends. My children would be waiting a long, long time for some conversations to end.

[AbbieB]

I think it's completely age appropriate behavior for a preschooler to interrupt adult conversation. They just don't have the skills yet to be able to wait for very long.

It's also the parents job to help the child learn social skills in a gentle way. But kids need to practice skills before they can do them well.

DD is 3 1/2 now and is just able to wait for DH and I to finish a whole thought (more than a sentence or two) when she wants something before becoming impatient.

My parents believe that kids should wait quietly while adults have conversation. My mom get really irritated if while on the phone with her I ask her to wait a second while I help DD with whatever (bathroom, get a drink, turn on a movie). She always ends the conversation abruptly with a "you're obviously to busy to talk." She accuses me of not caring about what she has to say. *Sigh* It really makes it hard sometimes to have this additional source of tension in our relationship.

As a mother of a young child I feel torn between my need to have relationships with other adults and the need to be there for my child. I find that I end up being limited to relationships with other mothers of young children because they seem to be the only other people that understand what young children are like.

[Ruthla]

We don't do "adults talk first" at our house, but if somebody (of any age) is already talking, it's rude to interupt. I'll snap at DD1 for trying to tell me something interesting and relevent (to me) if she interupts DS's kindergarten ramblings to do it. By "snap at her" I mean I'll quickly tell her DS is talking, and then we'll wait for him to finish. I mean, how can he learn that letting somebody finish talking is important if we don't offer him the same courtesy?

[majikfaerie]

we have this problem at the moment as well, with 4yo DD talking ALL. THE. TIME. and not having a lot of patience to wait when the grown ups are talking. mostly its not an issue, coz its just her and me alone together, but now we're staying with a friend who isnt used to children, and talks philosophy and politics a LOT.
I do say to DD "P is talking now, its his turn, when he's finished it will be your turn" etc, but she really cant wait that long. I wouldnt mind really, just that what she wants to say isn't voicing needs, its conversational, and really inane and repetetive, most of the time.

What I have found that works is using a talking stick. Its a bit strange if you're not used to it, but since we live in rainbow gatherings a lot of the time, its kind of normal for us; basically, have an object, a stick or feather or anything handy at all, and each person takes turns in holding it. the one holding the stick can speak and everyone else listens, giving full focus and respect.
DD really understands this concept and has no problem in waiting for her turn with the talking stick. it does change the flow of a normal conversation, but it can also be a great tool for debating. and we are slowly introducing DD to the concept of using a "pretend" talking stick, and that we can talk when we need to and listen when we need to without a 'stick', its all about respect; if someone is talking wait till they finish, if you MUST interrupt, say excuse me.

well, we have our moments!

[Maggi315]

Well, I wanna join in this conversation because this is something that we are dealing with right now and probably causes the most stress. When you have one or even two children and they might occasionally interrupt, you can learn to deal with it. But unfortunately, we have let it go and basically ignored this behavior more than we should have. Now I have 5 that interrupt constantly. Even my older ones. My two older girls think they are part of all the adult conversations I have, even to the point of trying to give advice to my friends, or interrupting me to say 'that's not what happened, or to correct me on a date or number or something'. My younger ones are all over me when visiting with friends and seem to have no understanding of boundaries.

My husband and I have decided to really take a close look at this including the way we talk to one another and to them and see what we are modeling.

But how to teach a whole group of children to not interrupt? That when I am talking with friends, I don't want them butting into the conversation (heck, I'm with them (kids) all the time, I want to talk with my friends on the rare occasions I see them.

My kids are very impulsive and all are ADHD and other sensory issues. We have tried the hand on the arm, which they do for about 2 sec., we have sent them away, we have 'practiced' conversations, we don't seem to be getting very far.

I hope others weigh in with help. I know this can be a hot issue and I am all for kids being included and conversing with kids, I love to talk with kids, I think they are so funny and honest. But there's also a time and place to learn manners, to learn how not to be so self-centered, how to learn to behave socially and politely. Now, if I could only learn how to teach all of us that, I would be golden

[Maggi315]

oh, wait, i have something else I forgot, talk about long winded, no wonder my kids interrupt

I have talked with adults who interrupt me, finish my sentence, jump in and start talking about themselves or something before I'm done my sentence, and I find it horribly irritating. And difficult to want to converse with them or hang out with them.

And it has become impossible to have a conversation in my house, or to talk with someone after church, or on phone (that's a given for about 17 years now: ). And god forbid my husband and I try to sit down and talk about something important for 5 minutes.

sigh...i wish i had the answers to this, but i really have no clue...

[marnie]

i recognize that my daughter is 4 and doesn't have the same patience to wait after her "excuse me" that an adult might have. so what we're currently attempting is this. she comes to me (or my husband) and lays a hand on our arm or squeezes our hand.

i wait for the other person to finish their sentence then i say "excuse me, maya needs me. yes maya?" and if maya starts with an "um, well, i want to tell you something interesting because um i have something to say about your conversation um..." then i say "Ok, Maya. I'm listening to X talk right now and as soon as s/he's finished you can tell me what you have to say (or i can get your toy/water/snack/etc. for you."

i don't wait for the whole conversation to be over because adults can be a bit patient, more so than 4 year olds. but i don't let maya overtake the conversation because she does need to understand patience and taking turns in conversations. also sometimes *I* enjoy having a conversation that is free of constantly fetching snacks and opening containers of play dough and other errands.

i also ask her to put her hand on my hand because teaching her to say excuse me resulted in her just saying "excuse me" over and over at an escalating volume until she interrupted anyway. touch allows *me* to say excuse me to the other adult when there is a pause. (i can judge pauses better than my 4 year old. most of the time, anyway.)

[MamaEli]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I feel that children need to learn to at least interrupt politely, unless it is a real emergency. Even at 4 yrs old, children are capable of saying, "Excuse me please", if they need something.

And sometimes, children need to wait until the adults are finished speaking. In fact, I feel that it is rude for an adult to just interrupt, too.

I don't mean to say that people should never allow a small one to speak, but I also don't see the harm in two grownups having a conversation and the child not butting in every two minutes. I have seen both extremes and it is awful either way.

I agree. We are working on this with my almost four year old DS. I ask him, "Is someone hurt, is someone bleeding? Throwing up? Then please wait a moment, and we'll talk." Sometimes it is important for two adults to finish a brief conversation. That being said, you can't keep the kid waiting for five minutes! I'm thinking more like a minute, tops.