A Worldwide Peace Movement - Page 32

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by May May

So you should enjoy playing with your child??

Yes. I should enjoy playing with her because I wanted to have a child, and before she was born I wanted to do everything right for this child. More than anything, I want her to know she is likeable, and that means getting down on the floor and playing with her. Enjoying being with her doing what she does. (Its easy to love your child. Its pretty hard not to. But love doesn't mean much... my parents loved me, but didn't like me. I would much rather have been liked and not had the love part, which had more to do with them than me anyway). I should enjoy playing with her because she can tell when I am not enjoying it, and that hurts her. I should play with her because it strengthens our attachment, stimulates her cognitive and social growth, and makes her laugh delightedly.

Originally Posted by May May

Is it true?

Yes.

Originally Posted by May May

What is the reality of it?

I enjoy playing with her in short bursts. I enjoy playing with her when we are doing something that is also interesting to me. I enjoy playing with her when she is learning something new and I'm helping her do that.

But much of the time, I find play tedious. My mind wanders. I don't want to come charging out of the bedroom with my red rescue cape on saving the cow (DD) from the bear a thousand times. I feel physically tired most of the time. I feel trapped by these games. When I try to find something that is more interesting for me, she is not interested (reading a book, drawing, painting, etc). When I'm sitting on the floor playing with her I find my mind wandering and I start cleaning and tidying up, then she tries harder to get my attention (Mama! Mama! Help me! A twister's coming!) then I feel guilty for not giving her my whole attention. I'm trying to type this and think about this and she keeps pushing the keys on the keyboard, so I have to re-write the sentence, and I know she wants my attention, but we just spent 20 minutes cracking open eggs and cooking them, and now I want to be here, writing, only I'm only half here.

She won't get dressed and get in the car to go somewhere without a huge fight. Then I feel horrible for forcing her, even though she enjoys herself when we get to the park or wherever. I try to make it fun for her but rarely succeed. She is suddenly fearful about going outside. So often I am not up to the battle and don't try. We are stuck in 800 sq. feet with the same old boring toys. I should be able to find play that is interesting for the both of us, but I am too tired, or too stupid, or too unimaginative, to try very hard.

Originally Posted by May May

And how do you feel when you believe that you should enjoy playing with your child and you don't?

Guilty. Trapped. Inadequate - I should enjoy playing with my child; its why I had a child! She deserves a happy, playful mama. Restless, angry. I feel a ball of anger in my chest. My shoulder muscles are tight and sore. I feel a little panicked - there's no where to turn, no where to go, except to give in and play, resentfully, unhappily. There's a lump in my throat; I feel like crying the more I think about this.

[yaM yaM]

BC . .



Ok, so, it looks as if the belief that you should enjoy playing with your child is resulting in more shame than positive results, sweetie.


It is good just to take notice.

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Guilty. Trapped. Inadequate - I should enjoy playing with my child; its why I had a child! She deserves a happy, playful mama. Restless, angry. I feel a ball of anger in my chest. My shoulder muscles are tight and sore. I feel a little panicked - there's no where to turn, no where to go, except to give in and play, resentfully, unhappily. There's a lump in my throat; I feel like crying the more I think about this.

I should enjoy playing with my child.


Who were you before that thought first occurred to you?


What do you get for holding on to that belief?


What do you fear would happen if you didn’t believe that thought?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

May May, thanks for the hug, and thanks for your willingness to help me.

Originally Posted by May May

I should enjoy playing with my child.


Who were you before that thought first occurred to you?

I was a person who did what I felt like doing, for the most part. If I wanted to read, I would; or go outside, I would. I also felt bored and understimulated sometimes when there wasn't anything interesting to do, sometimes restless, wondering what my purpose was in life. So I guess I had the same feelings before I had that thought that I have with the thought, they are just more intense and continuous.

Originally Posted by May May

What do you get for holding on to that belief?

Well, I get to believe that my circumstances are the cause of me being depressed, trapped, restless, and resentful. This might not be true. I get to feel sorry for myself, which is kind of a comfortable feeling. I think there is some weird way I like feeling sorry for myself, or maybe compared to having to summon the energy to solve the problem, feeling sorry for myself is easier.

I think having that belief also allows me an excuse to sit. My body feels like its tired and wants to sit. Having that belief that playing with my child isn't fun keeps me from engaging with my child and having fun because I keep thinking about how much fun I am not having instead of having fun. Does that make sense?

Last night I invented a game that I thought Bean would enjoy. I had great fun making the things for the game and then was excited about sharing it with her. She loved it and didn't want the game to stop. For that time, I didn't have the thought "I should enjoy playing with my child" because I WAS enjoying playing with my child. I don't know what this means; its just an observation.

Originally Posted by May May

What do you fear would happen if you didn’t believe that thought?

I might not play with her. I might not be motivated to play with her. I might be tempted to put her in a preschool if she needs to play and I don't believe I should enjoy playing with her. I might neglect her needs to play.

I might miss an opportunity to work through resistance.

[xochimama]

Hello May May and everyone else! :

It's been a looooong time since I posted on this thread--thanks so much for being here. My 'work' stalled out last fall. I got so busy with work: less time to post, less time to write and think and be with my thoughts.

I've noticed that when I need The Work the most (stressful times, depressed times), I have such a hard time motivating to actually do it. Why is that?

[yaM yaM]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

May May, thanks for the hug, and thanks for your willingness to help me.

Your Work is absolutely my Work, sister. I'm doing it right alongside you.

Well, I get to believe that my circumstances are the cause of me being depressed, trapped, restless, and resentful. This might not be true. I get to feel sorry for myself, which is kind of a comfortable feeling. I think there is some weird way I like feeling sorry for myself, or maybe compared to having to summon the energy to solve the problem, feeling sorry for myself is easier.

Oh, I really understand this.

I think having that belief also allows me an excuse to sit. My body feels like its tired and wants to sit. Having that belief that playing with my child isn't fun keeps me from engaging with my child and having fun because I keep thinking about how much fun I am not having instead of having fun. Does that make sense?

Yes, totally.

Last night I invented a game that I thought Bean would enjoy. I had great fun making the things for the game and then was excited about sharing it with her. She loved it and didn't want the game to stop. For that time, I didn't have the thought "I should enjoy playing with my child" because I WAS enjoying playing with my child. I don't know what this means; its just an observation.

That is an excellent observation. A large part of The Work consists of the simple act of noticing.

I love that you found something to play that you and your daughter BOTH find fun.

I might miss an opportunity to work through resistance.

Mmm, yeah. . I can totally relate to this as well, mama.



~
Good Work!


So, who would you be without the thought I should enjoy playing with my child?


And who would you be, in the presence of your child, without that thought?

[yaM yaM]

Originally Posted by xochimama

Hello May May and everyone else! :

It's been a looooong time since I posted on this thread--thanks so much for being here. My 'work' stalled out last fall. I got so busy with work: less time to post, less time to write and think and be with my thoughts.

I've noticed that when I need The Work the most (stressful times, depressed times), I have such a hard time motivating to actually do it. Why is that?

Welcome back, dear xochimama. It's good to see you here!


I can really relate to the experience you describe. I think that is why it took me so many years to really get into TW, even though I did practice it all along.

In the beginning of our skills-development with TW, it is common for the sitting-down-and-filling-out-Worksheets action to be cumbersome or overwhelming. It's also the case that we do need to spend time developing our self-reflective muscles as we tend to be so used to living outside of ourselves most of the time.

The fourth question in particular -- Who would you be without that thought? -- is a particularly foreign way of looking at things. Often, one has never encountered that possibility before picking up The Work.

After a while, however, it pays off exponentially. Kind of like physical exercise, no doubt.

Life has a way of "bringing it to us", as Katie describes, and these opportunities tend to get our attention sooner or later. So TW is there for the one who wants it when they want it. It will wait, quietly, for you to pick it up.


On the other hand, TW produces some sort of alchemy in our thinking that, even when we think we haven't really done much with it, shows itself when we find ourselves in the same/similar situations but minus the triggers that were there before. That is the best measurement of the effectiveness of TW, and I've found that it happens so quickly that, even after only one or two sessions, there is dramatic change . . which is so inspiring for sticking with the process!

Also, after my practice began to grow, I noticed that my answering the questions sort of came to life inside me and that I now rarely need to write the Worksheets. I still do tons of writing in my journals for the purpose of telling the stories that are inside me, but the questions and Turnaround seem to be the very filter of my thinking, now. It is very exciting.


And I trust that you will use it when you need it, dear mama.

[yaM yaM]

Xocimama ~

I also want to mention that, when TW feels like another challenge added to an already stressful experience, it is good to seek outside facilitation. That is why there are many of us who practice TW professionally as well as on a volunteer basis out in the world. It is the intention behind this thread, as well.


Facilitators of The Work can provide the support of structure for their clients. Our job is simply to hold the space and to ask the questions, but it seems to serve a very powerful purpose of service to others. And, by the way, we are all clients and all facilitators. Anyone, even small children (who are able to read), can ask the questions.

Do you know about the hotline? Or the Little Yellow Card? They're both available to everyone, free of charge. The Little Yellow Card template is for printing up and giving one of each to those who you'd like to facilitate you. You can even hand them to approachable strangers and request that they read what's on the card outloud to you! There are also countless Inquiry circles throughout the world that exist within different communities and serve the purpose of supporting & facilitating TW in group settings. I believe that there are links to the Inquiry groups on Katie's website, as well.

[laoxinat]

Hey May May and mamas!

The more I do this work and the more integrity I am able to practice within it, the more I long to facilitate others. I am letting go of the belief that I have to 'be' Katie (or even Katie-like) in order to facilitate. I truly want to make this my life's work. As I am moving through my days, slowly but surely my thoughts are losing power and reality is indeed revealing itself to be kinder and truer than my thoughts. I am even recognizing when I am in DH's business, DD's and Buddha's. This is huge and WHAT a relief. I am also subbing to the Treasure Map thread, as I can see how the 'stuff' in my life s keeping me stuck. We recently made the decision ro let go of our kung fu school. As I wrote that, I was overcome by sadness and sobs. Though I know it's not the right business for us to be in right now, I know if it does have to close, many will be so so sad. So I am keeping my heart open to the possibility that one of the students, or a group, will take it over and keep it going. Our home is also needing a purge, and I will be starting that today as well. I have had some financial good fortune, and it has allowed us to relax a little recently, but now I am craving self-sufficiency. And the truth is, our finances are actually a huge mess. We may lose our house, and our cashflow is pretty low at the moment. It occurs to me a lot lately that I have NO idea how to make money!! I mean, it's just always been there. Not piles and piles, but enough. Then I met DH, and while he is very good at ideas, he sort of sucks at the follow through-and freely admits it. He's the idea guy. Unfortunately, he also has a reeeally hard time 'letting' me do stuff, and by the time he 'explains' things, I am usually more confused than when I started But we are learning. I am learning to clarify without getting mad, and he is learning that my clarification questions are not an indictment, but are honest requests (well, they are now )
BUT! I am SO not worried! This is an amazing amazing breakthrough for me. I was just at my BFF house yesterday and was telling her that I just cannot work up a head of steam about the money situation. I do still have nagging worrilets (woo hoo new word!) but have been able to do the work on them and watch them let go. This belief that I MUST know what to do is probably the hardest thing I am currently working through. But I realized that I was hacked at DH because he doesn't know how to get us out of this mess . So I did the work on that judgement and realized I am really hacked at MYSELF for not knowing what to do, and so on. All grist for the workmill...Okay, mamas. I am going to go get started on part of my purge. Thank you all for your beautiful Work!!

[TinyBabyBean]

Originally Posted by beansavi

I am having a particularly hard time with dh lately. I see him as stubborn, irritable (I awake to him bi**ing about something every single morning (a crappy way to wake up). How can I turn something like that around? Try to not worry about it...but what abou the effect on my kids hearing him grump all the time?:

Wow! I could have wrote this post word for word! It is a conundrum isn't it???

[TinyBabyBean]

Originally Posted by BlissfullyLoving

How do you change your thought process, so as not to react in the same manner the next time? I cannot seem to find any discussion on that.

This takes practice. It takes rewiring your brain. Have you seen the movie What the Bleep do we Know? I suggest watching it and you will get it.

Just practice and rewiring.

[xochimama]

real quick: thanks, May May, for your thoughtful and thorough replies.

You are right: the work is there for me when I am ready.

Badgering myself about how "I should be doing The Work!" is so typically me! Can I really know it's true that I should be doing TW right now?

And BTW, I found someone locally who does TW, has studied at The School, and wants to get together to support each other! I'm really looking forward to it!

[momtoS]

Hi
I don't have time right now to read this whole thread (right now I barely have time to shower). I am really struggling to be happy. But I really want to change my thinking and be happy. I realize that alot of the things I am not happy about I have no control over, and the stuff I do have control I am just not doing anything to change.
Before my children go crazy screaming for my attention I will write as much as I can.
Some of the things that are getting me down.
*The weather....there is so much snow and it is still so cold. I hate putting on jackets, hats, mittens etc etc. It was fun in October, November etc but now it is such a downer to look out at the snow..
*I am sick.....AGAIN. Me and my two little ones have been sick with everything that has been going around. One of us has been sick every week since January (we have had vomitting, diaherria, colds, measles, hacking coughs, etc) I just can't take being sick. I am so out of breath and tired. I just want to be healthy.
*My weight. I want to lose 20 pounds. But wanting to just isn't making it happen. I have to do something to make it happen....why aren't I?
*The fact that I have not been out without my children in over a year. My mother believes that my parenting choices mean I have to work at being a mom 24/7 (I quit to be a SAHM) but my sister went back to work and so my mother has taken her children every weekend for 12 years!!
*I have a very spirited daughter. She climbs and destroys all day. It is hard to keep up. I just wish she would play for a little bit without me having to get up a million times.
*My relationship with DH. He never talks to me. If I ask questions about his day he snaps back at me. He has very little respect for me and my stuff. If there is something of mine in his way he will toss it aside, instead of finding a place for it. He has started helping out more with my older dd, a little.
That's it for now.....I hope this is the right place to start.

I don't have a lot of time to read. But hopefully I can get some insight here!

[wrenbrrd]

momtoS This, too, shall pass. Everything will work out for the best. Take care, mama!

[yaM yaM]

Welcome to The Work, momtoS.

Originally Posted by momtoS

I am really struggling to be happy. But I really want to change my thinking and be happy. I realize that alot of the things I am not happy about I have no control over, and the stuff I do have control I am just not doing anything to change.

`


I think it is a wise thing that you already associate your thinking with your happiness or unhappiness. The first victory is in simply noticing that it is our THOUGHTS about life that cause our feelings. That, when we have a stressful thought, the stress we're experiencing is caused by the thought and not the situation that we're thinking of/responding to.


So, WITH the thought = stress. WITHOUT the thought = less stress (and more peace).


Of course, it is also a wise thing to realize that thoughts just are what they are . . . and that it is the meaning we associate with the thought that causes our experience of stress.


So the powerful next step is to question the thought! And that is where The Work comes in to play.


MomtoS, I recommend for you to familiarize yourself with The Work through the various posts and links on this thread (be sure to check out the YouTube videos of Byron Katie -- very helpful!) and then to extract some of the stressful one-liners from your thoughts (such as the ones in your post, above). Would you like some help extracting some one-liners from your post?

[yaM yaM]

Originally Posted by xochimama

real quick: thanks, May May, for your thoughtful and thorough replies.

You are right: the work is there for me when I am ready.

Badgering myself about how "I should be doing The Work!" is so typically me! Can I really know it's true that I should be doing TW right now?

And BTW, I found someone locally who does TW, has studied at The School, and wants to get together to support each other! I'm really looking forward to it!

Oh, xochimama, I cannot tell you how funny it is to me that I still sometimes catch myself *pressuring* me to do The Work! SUCH an irony, ins't it, that I would do The Work to become more peaceful in my being and then find that there are parts of me still very confused on the definition of peace in my being!


That is excellent that you've found an experienced local Inquiry partner. How ideal!

[momtoS]

Yes I would love all the help you are willing to offer!

[momtoS]

Yes I would love all the help you are willing to offer!

[yaM yaM]

It is my honor, mama.


So, below are your main points still in paragraph form. In order to do The Work, we'll need to boil them down to short, individual sentences and they are most effective when pointed as a should or shouldn't. The Work is all about examining our thoughts, one by one, one belief at a time. It is about slowing down, stilling ourselves. Mind asking the questions and then waiting for heart's answer. It is meditation. So I invite you to gently set aside any rationalization or concept of "doing the right thing" and listen to your own free & honest self-expression.



~

Are there some should or shouldn't sentences that you can see in your thoughts, below?

Originally Posted by momtoS

*The weather....there is so much snow and it is still so cold. I hate putting on jackets, hats, mittens etc etc. It was fun in October, November etc but now it is such a downer to look out at the snow..
*I am sick.....AGAIN. Me and my two little ones have been sick with everything that has been going around. One of us has been sick every week since January (we have had vomitting, diaherria, colds, measles, hacking coughs, etc) I just can't take being sick. I am so out of breath and tired. I just want to be healthy.
*My weight. I want to lose 20 pounds. But wanting to just isn't making it happen. I have to do something to make it happen....why aren't I?
*The fact that I have not been out without my children in over a year. My mother believes that my parenting choices mean I have to work at being a mom 24/7 (I quit to be a SAHM) but my sister went back to work and so my mother has taken her children every weekend for 12 years!!
*I have a very spirited daughter. She climbs and destroys all day. It is hard to keep up. I just wish she would play for a little bit without me having to get up a million times.
*My relationship with DH. He never talks to me. If I ask questions about his day he snaps back at me. He has very little respect for me and my stuff. If there is something of mine in his way he will toss it aside, instead of finding a place for it. He has started helping out more with my older dd, a little.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by May May

So, who would you be without the thought I should enjoy playing with my child?


And who would you be, in the presence of your child, without that thought?

Maybe I would be a bad mom. Like the neighbor down the street, who is so tired and worn out that she goes to an extreme I'm so afraid of going to myself - once you let in the idea that you don't have to play with your child, maybe I'd never play with her! Then she would run down the street to find some mama who would play with her, the way my neighbor's girls come knocking on my door, looking for me, and they look at their mom like she's a stranger, or a policeman.

But probably not.

I would play with my child and not be focused on how much I am not enjoying this and should be. Instead, I would probably focus on how I can make this more fun for the both of us. I might feel resigned; my mind would wander and notice the laundry that needs to be done or something that needs to be cleaned in our play area. I would still feel restless and caged.

I jumped ahead to the turnarounds and found THIS one to be so true:

I should enjoy playing with myself.

Its true. I don't. I can't just sit with myself. I hate it. I dread boredom. I must be entertained all the time or I feel... I don't know, a kind of desperation. Sitting still playing with my child makes me be more in connection with myself and I hate that. It feels very uncomfortable. I play one computer game after another, trying to find something that better distracts me from myself. I engage in one hobby after another, trying to find something that keeps me from ? being with myself? I think? I've even been skydiving. No hobby sticks because they eventually become boring.

So I don't think its "I should enjoy playing with my child." I think its more, "I don't enjoy being me" which is really weird, because I like who I am and don't want to be someone else.

[yaM yaM]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Maybe I would be a bad mom. Like the neighbor down the street, who is so tired and worn out that she goes to an extreme I'm so afraid of going to myself - once you let in the idea that you don't have to play with your child, maybe I'd never play with her! Then she would run down the street to find some mama who would play with her, the way my neighbor's girls come knocking on my door, looking for me, and they look at their mom like she's a stranger, or a policeman.

But probably not.

But can you absolutely know that this is true?


What do you get for holding onto the belief I should enjoy playing with my child?

Do you get to punish yourself? Do you get to drive you away from you (escape)?

I would play with my child and not be focused on how much I am not enjoying this and should be. Instead, I would probably focus on how I can make this more fun for the both of us. I might feel resigned; my mind would wander and notice the laundry that needs to be done or something that needs to be cleaned in our play area.

Ok.

I would still feel restless and caged.

And can you absolutely know this is true?

I jumped ahead to the turnarounds and found THIS one to be so true:

I should enjoy playing with myself.

Its true. I don't. I can't just sit with myself. I hate it. I dread boredom. I must be entertained all the time or I feel... I don't know, a kind of desperation. Sitting still playing with my child makes me be more in connection with myself and I hate that. It feels very uncomfortable. I play one computer game after another, trying to find something that better distracts me from myself. I engage in one hobby after another, trying to find something that keeps me from ? being with myself? I think? I've even been skydiving. No hobby sticks because they eventually become boring.

Wow. Incredible find, mama. This entire paragraph has some really juicy one-liners to bring to Inquiry later.

So I don't think its "I should enjoy playing with my child." I think its more, "I don't enjoy being me" which is really weird, because I like who I am and don't want to be someone else.

My recommendation is for you to do some journaling on your thoughts of this sort. That is my favorite way to extract the original beliefs for questioning. Make some tea and get still with your mind for a bit, if you will . . .



~

I found some additional Turnarounds for you to contemplate, if you'd like:


My child should enjoy playing with my child. (Could be as true, right?)

My thinking should enjoy playing with my child. (How could this be true?)

I should enjoy playing with my child in my thinking. (Is your thinking being the dictator?)

I shouldn't enjoy playing with my child. (What is the reality of it? DO you? If the universe is a friendly place, why would it be a good thing that you don't enjoy playing with your child?)



Could any of these Turnarounds be as true or truer as your original belief?