I want to elaborate a little more on what I wrote earlier:
Princesstutu, I don't know if you're still reading the thread but I have been thinking about our dialog, here. I want to share a little more of my own story with you.
My marriage to my ex is what first brought me to The Work back in 2000. It actually took me several years to open up to The Work and to no longer see it as dismissive. It is ironic to me now to look back at my view of it as dismissive, because I see where my perception of The Work itself was a projection (as it is now, too), like everything always is. I saw it as dismissive because, back in those days, I was in the deeply-ingrained habit of doubting my own perceptions and judgments. I also tended to minimize my own concerns about the marriage and to attempt to sweep them under the rug by distracting myself and putting on a happy face when it wasn't authentic. I was also telling myself things such as "you're overreacting". It took years of very strong anger for me just to feel clear and set in my story, to feel like I even knew my own feelings and could articulate them and to really, fiercely believe ME.
So when I finally had the story all fleshed-out, I found that I needed to stew in it for a couple of more years. I did The Work on it but my answers never really pierced me very deeply, and I see now that it is because I still just wasn't ready. I really needed to sit in my defense, my justification, my rightness. It was so emotionally, mentally and spiritually nourishing and validating for me to do so during that period. It was only after a long time of that that I came to a place where, suddenly, mind grew quiet. It was very quiet and still, and I woke up one day inquiring to myself about what I wanted to do with it all. It was beginning to feel like the story had served its purpose and so I began to open up to what might be on the other side of the story . . . who I would be without that story. Who am I without my story? And that is where I still sit, now. Have you ever heard Katie say that sometimes we can sit in (be with) one question for years?
This is a common experience. It is exactly why Katie is often heard asking people, very gently, if they want to know the truth or do they need to be right. She, too, seems to really understand people's strong need to live their truth in each moment of their lives. And it is what it is. Until it isn't. But it's always, always about living in our own, genuine experience. She calls this integrity . . and I agree with her.
Things are the way they are until they aren't, anymore. Yes. I've been saying that for far longer than I've known about Katie. It is very true and I work with that knowledge, even on this issue, for the most part. Sometimes, though, I get a little frustrated with myself b/c I'd like to be able to let this story go and I just can't seem to relinquish it, yet. So, I will put it down until I know what I'm supposed to do with it.
I have noticed that I'm not really being authentic with him b/c I feel like yelling at him, etc. sometimes and instead, I take the "higher road" and then feel crummy. Often, when dealing with him, I feel like I'm fighting my shadow side b/c I so want to stay in the light and on a higher vibration. But, then, I go through the power dynamic. If I allow myself to give in to the lower sides of myself, who has more power? My issues with him are issues of self-conflict and I recognize that.
I know who I'd be without my story about him, but I can't seem to get there, yet. I'm not sure why. I don't understand it b/c the way I act/feel with regard to him is completely out of the ordinary for me when it comes to dealing with other humans. I'm not sure why he affects me the way he does (I know I'm allowing it), but he does. Until he doesn't. I choose to not worry about it at this point in time.
Right now, I guess I need to be "right". Of course, I also feel my "right" is the "truth" while simultaneously recognizing that there is no truth. At least, I don't think there is. I know that what is happening, w/o a story, is simply something that is happening. It has little significance. At this point in my life, I feel my anger is a double-edged sword and yet, I need a sword so I guess I'll just deal.
One day, I won't need a sword. But, right now...I want one. I'm finding it helpful. And, I'm okay with the ramifications. That's something that our dialogue has helped me understand: I am willing to deal with the ramifications of my anger.
Like I said before, this isn't so much about him. This is about my anger regarding sexism and misogyny in our culture. And, I'm angry about it and honestly, I think I want to be angry about it. I think it deserves anger. Just not self-harming anger. (And, I'm conscious enough to realize that that sentiment is oxymoronic. )