what do I tell her to say after "no"?

[MovingMomma]

My 3.5 y/old DD is assertive with her little friends. I think this is great! She tells them "No" when she doesn't want to share, when someone is getting in her space, etc.

But I am at a loss about what to teach her to do when someone doesn't listen to her "no."

What she does:
-Says, "No."
-Says it louder.
-Screams.

She sometimes also says, "I don't like that." or something to that effect, and occasionally negotiates ("You can have a turn after me.")

She doesn't take toys away from other kids and listens to them when they ask her to stop something. (For the most part; she's not 100% of course!)

I don't like the screaming, but I don't know what to teach her to do instead! Any ideas?

I've tried telling her she should ask Mommy for help when someone doesn't listen, but she can't manage that.

Maybe I just need to pay closer attention and intervene more/sooner? I'm not satisfied with this because I'd rather give her the skills to handle it.

[mamaduck]

At the school where I work, the teachers and the kids say, "No thank you!" in those situations. And yeah, sometimes they yell it. But the "thank you" takes the edge off it.

Maybe I just need to pay closer attention and intervene more/sooner? I'm not satisfied with this because I'd rather give her the skills to handle it.

She is too young to be left to her own devices when it comes to social issues. She still needs you to coach her. Its fine -- she has like, 14.5 more years of childhood left for learning all these things.

[numericmama]

In these situations, I provide the support for the other child's missing self control. So, after I have heard her make her statement, if the other child doesn't comply, I back it up.

I'll say: "Monica, Michelle has said No, you need to respect her body."

I probably should follow it up with reflection and problem solving. Like if it's a toy Monica is after I could say, "It looks like you want that dolly. Michelle is playing with it right now. You can tell her you would like a turn when she is done. It's hard to wait isn't it."

3.5 is still really young. Sometimes they can control themselves and their impulses, and sometimes they can't. I still am pulling one child off of the other from time to time and the two I watch are 3.75 years old. Especially when one wants to hug the other and the huggee is unreceptive.

[GenomicsGirl]

My 3.5+ yr old DS1 says "no, I need some alone time, please" when he doesn't want to play with other kids. Or "no, I do not want to share this toy now, but you can have your turn later". The kids might not 'get' what he is saying, but all adults around observing the situation understand enough to intervene and explain if the other child doesn't get it. With a younger brother who just knows how to grab and snatch, I've had to be creative with the long-winded replies so that the little one has a chance to back off (before getting hit). I'd suggest you keep an eye on your child and have her explain herself more clearly so that others know that she's trying to communicate her request before the yelling and/or fight begins. JMO