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Your parents reactions to not circ'ing?

post #1 of 120
Thread Starter 
I understand some people do not share such decisions with their parents, and I respect that.

On the other hand, if you share such things with your parents or mother and father in law -- what were their reactions to you not circ'ing your DS('s)?

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My parents were 110% supportive. My Dad isn't circ'd, so both of my parents felt it was unnecessary, since I guess it's what they knew. My Dad was happy with our decision, gently sharing (as gently as he could share..) that he thinks not being circ'd was helpful to him in the love making dept. Not something a daughter wants to hear about, but reassuring in a sense, I guess.

My in-law's? My father in law couldn't care less. As long as my DS's were happy and healthy, that's all he cared/cares about. My mother in law on the other hand was shocked at our decision. She got her son's circ'd, my husband included of course, so she thought our decision was disgusting and strange. : I know she still thinks that today. She didn't even try and understand our decision in not circ'ing. She backed off flapping her mouth about it when I told her cutting off a piece of my baby at birth was the cruelest concept ever. (The same MIL that thought extended BFing was the second strangest thing we had ever done. Why bother when formula existed, or even cow's milk for after a year old? D'oh.
post #2 of 120
That sounds defensive to me, she feels that you are (quite rightly) criticising her for what she did and doesn't want to have to deal with any guilt.
post #3 of 120
Leaving our son intact was a big non-event, really! My dh is British and intact - his Mum would have hit the roof if I'd wanted to cut off part of her grandson's body for no reason (and rightly so! ).

My mom noticed, of course, when I changed ds's diaper right after she'd arrived to visit after his birth. Both of my brothers are circed, but she told me then that my Dad wasn't.

She did say that she'd thought circumcision was something you 'had to do' when you had a baby boy (which is strange, since obviously Dad was fine being intact - but back then, when doctors told you something had to be done, I guess you just didn't question it).

Mom didn't say anything one way or the other about it - I think she felt that it was just up to the parents.

After listening to me rant about circ on and off over the past 3.5 years, though, I think she finally 'gets it', and she was as thrilled as I was when my nephew was born earlier this year and was left intact.
post #4 of 120
I am REALLY nervous about this. My son is due in July and there's NO WAY I'm cutting off part of his body w/out his permission. I think it's one thing if (for some strange reason) he chooses to have it done when he's older, but doing something like that just seems ridiculous to me.

My mother is VERY anti-circ... she witnessed a circ when she was in the hospital after having my sister or me, so I know I'm well supported there. My dad, on the other hand, is VERY pro-circ, but doesn't change diapers, so I think I can skirt the issue with that one. He's also pretty religious, so I think I may be able to go the "God put it there, who am I to have it cut off?" route if it comes to that.

My nervousness comes to my husband's family. My husband didn't seem to care too much when I stated my case against circ, even though he's circ'd though he seemed a little worried about how to explain why his looks different from his sons. I explained that IF it comes to that (which... I'm not sure they'll be comparing by the time our son is old enough to be asking those types of questions and REALLY mean it), we can just tell him the truth... That when daddy was born, they removed part of his penis because that's what everyone thought you should do back then but now we know that's silly (not to mention cruel) and so we didn't do it to him. Buuut... I really don't want to deal with my mother-in-law. I don't want her in the room when I'm changing diapers, I don't want to have that conversation at all, I don't want her to ask when we're in the hospital "how is his circumcision scar doing?" because I'm not sure I can react reasonably and just tell her "we don't do that." What I really want to say, is that we didn't circ my daughter, so why on earth would I do that to my son? But I know that's just going to start an arguement/discussion about what she sees as pro's and I'm going to get very frustrated trying to set her straight. I was worried before, but at a family gathering recently, I heard her and a couple other people talking about how one of dh's cousins "hadn't even had a chance to get him [her son] circ'd yet" because he'd been so sick during his first year. UGH! The sad part is that she actually STILL WANTS TO HAVE IT DONE! Even after a year. I don't think I've ever been this nervous about my inlaws finding out about something EVER.
post #5 of 120
My parents didn't say anything...I don't think they really cared either way (although they got my brother circ'ed, I think they were just told it had to be done).

My mil flipped out and told us that if we ever saw the elderly intact men and the problems they had, we would NEVER have left him intact *shaking head* (she is a geriatric nurse). That kind of reasoning makes me bonkers, just bc I am sure that is only one problem of many for elderly patients who need continuous care in a nursing home. Its hard for me to understand why she justifies something for a newborn that wouldn't even effect them for another ~80 years down the road. I would LOVE her to bring it up again bc at that time, I was still new at the whole thing....I have a lot more guts now to talk about anything and everything.

Their whole family though is crazy for circumcision. His older brother said that he will be there for my son when he comes crying to him that we didn't circumcize him...since its just so gross and my son will be so embarassed eventally. And the younger brother said that if he ever had a boy, he will do it bc he can and its their right to decide. Thank goodness they are having a girl right now. I am going to keep working on the younger brother, and the older one will probably never have children thankfully! Thank goodness I married the smart one in the family (although he fought for it at first, once he read a little info about the subject he relented and 1.5 yars later, he is now VERY VERY pro-intact!)
post #6 of 120
My Mil left my dh intact so she is awesome! She fought the dr's in the late 1960's in D.C., without even speaking english at the time. She came from Chile 7 months pregnant. DH's dad died before I met him.

My parents are pro-intact also, my mom had it done to one son without even bening asked about it. His crying afterwards shook her up so much she vowed to leave the next boy alone & she did. My dad is circed and totally against it. He's the one who said to me, "circumcision defies all logic." They are both daily mass Catholics and feel that God designed the body perfectly so why would we mutilate it?
post #7 of 120
We've not yet had a boy but when/if we do, the thoughts of our parents are immaterial. The only parent we give a rat about is MIL because she rocks. But I don't think she'd say much about it, and even if she did, she knows that we're going to do whatever we think is best regardless of her opinion. My parents and FIL...all are disowned and out of the picture.
post #8 of 120
My mom was SUPER relieved. My son is her only intact grandson. My brother was circ'd without permission back in the late 60s. My father was intact and my mom said that he "knew it was better" (he passed on and never told any of us his status, but obviously mom knew LOL). My brother sadly never knew and went on and had his sons cut : .

My inlaws...well, my father in law has seen William naked during a diaper change. Nobody every brought it up, and they don't watch him. So, it will be interesting once they do. My MIL is sort of a freak about cleanliness....she's on some serious psychiatric medication for all sorts of emotional/psychological issues. So...I can't think her response would be good. But, if she did say something I would let them have it..."full disclosure". I am a very informed person, and they know it. So they would believe my info.
post #9 of 120
My pro-mutilation parents are afraid to disagree with me and my ILs are "1st born regret" intactivists.

My grandma asked if we were going to in front of everyone, I responded quickly and loudly with "Oh no way!!!" as if it was obvious.
post #10 of 120
It was mostly a non event. My dad, circ'd, didn't say anything. My stepmom said something along the lines of it not being a big deal either way

I was slightly apprehensive about my grandmother's response, for religious reasons, who came to stay for a couple of weeks. But all she said was "oh. you didn't circ?" And then, that was it.

Nobody has given us any grief (to our faces). Not the ped, not anyone we've talked to about it. I am aware that a conversation took place after we left a party where friends discussed how *dirty* and *unhealthy* it was not to circ. But, it was not related to us specifically, I'm pretty sure. I am still thinking about how to handle this. I am thinking about sending lucky stiff postcards to them (they are thinking about TTC in the next year), and also the mothering article.

ETA: MIL - doesn't know. That one might be hard, as DH was circed at 3 1/2 due to "recurrent infections." : Makes me sick and I don't want to get into the whole deal with her yet.
post #11 of 120

My situation is a little tricky...

My mom is supportive of not circumcising and seems to regret that my brothers are circ'd (one was done by the hospital without direct consent in 1972 and the other one born in 1981 I think is circumcised, although I honestly can't remember what his penis looks like and my mom has mentioned the pediatrician retracting him at appointments - maybe a loose circ?).

The tricky thing is that my dad is Jewish, and obviously my grandparents, etc., on that side of the family. I was raised Jewish, too, although we were Reform (the least "strict" kind). People in my family were circumcised in the hospital rather than in brit milah (I know that isn't really "right"). My Dad has never said a word about my sons not being circumcised, even when my mom drops comments about circumcision being cruel and unnecessary in this day and age. My Jewish grandparents are probably the ones who would be dismayed by it, so I don't plan to let them know about it if at all possible. They would just worry about it.
post #12 of 120
My MIL has no issue with it, DH is intact I know my mom knows we didn't circ, I think she just assumes that people don't do it anymore. She's never mentioned anything about it. I don't know if my dad has ever changed their diapers, normally my stepmom does when they watch the boys, but they've never said anything either. I guess I should be glad no one's giving me a hard time about it.
post #13 of 120
They were shocked. They thought "That's just what you do!"

They don't bring it up because they know they'll get an earful.
post #14 of 120
I don't know if I am having a boy. I haven't talked to my in-laws about it they are pretty much shocked by everything I do and they really don't comment on it. I am pretty much the polar opposite of my in-laws. My mom is sad and regretful about doing it to my brothers and it is a difficult subject to talk to her about. I know I have her 100% support. My dad and my step dad are intact and they have no issues with it.
post #15 of 120
My mom when I first told her we were not circ'ing she was going all haywire on diseases & infections told me to research some more I told her I did so she let off a bit after I told her that my uncle didn't like him being circ'ed but he had still circ'ed his son because his son soon to be ex wife said if she had a boy she would have circ'ed him too look like daddy. My mom is still worried of a girl not liking him because of his foreskin and I go your afraid a shallow women won't like my son because he doesn't have a part of him cut off ?

She shushed on that but still belives it's a parents choice if other parents do it or not to her it's there buisness.

My brother proably think it's weird but don't really care that my son is not circumcised but he said isn't there more pain later on so I'm hoping to have him see I would rather die before my son gets a part cut off of him so by the time my brother has kids hopefully he will still see that my son even if he does has some issues that he will still keep his foreskin.

My grandpa was a not carer either

My stepfather didn't care either.

My SIL she didn't say anything

My son's dad side of family never met my son .
post #16 of 120
Well, my mom was initially against leaving my boys intact, but, when I showed her the info about why it was unnecessary, she agreed, and since has said that she wishes she had not had my brother circumsiced.

My dad thinks its no big deal, and still wonders why I refused to do it, but puts it off as one more "quirky" thing I do.

My MIL almost had a heart attack when we told her we would not circumcise. She tried for a couple months to convince us that we had to, that he could not be baptized without it (???) and that it was "dirty". Eventually she gave up.
post #17 of 120
My brothers are circumcised because (as my mom told me when I was 11.5 when I asked why there was a wound on my newborn brother's penis) "it's just what you do with boys."

I eased my mom into the fact that we won't be circumcising if/when we have a son by relating it to c-sections and VBACs. When my mom had her three c-sections she didn't even know it was an option to try for a vaginal birth after having one. I took my mom to a LLL meeting while we were visiting my parents and we met a lady who had a home VBAC with twins. My mom had never heard of such a thing! It was very easy to lead from - "people used to think 'once a c-section always a c-section' but now they know that isn't always the case" to "It's a similar thing with circumcision - it used to be thought necessary for x,y,z reasons; but now they know that the only real reasons to have it done are frostbite, gangrene, and cancer."

I didn't go into detail about why we wouldn't be doing it except that it's not necessary and we know that now. I want her to get used to the idea first before I tell her anything that may cause her guilt about doing something 19 and 12 years ago that she really didn't know wasn't the right thing to do.

My mom is totally fine with us not circumcising and said that she was wondering if we would or not (probably wondering how we would have it done since we're having a home birth... I told her that the local hospitals don't do it anymore either and that really surprised her since one of my brothers was born and circumcised at the closest one). I think it went over better because I didn't go into how horrific it is... my siblings still have (more than likely) at least six more years before they have children and I'd like to ease into the topic with them as well.

I haven't talked to my dad about it, but since he's preached sermons on why Christians do NOT need to circumcise for religious reasons, I'm sure he won't care either way. He's circumcised, but he is intelligent (and a lawyer) and I'm sure he would read the info I have if he was uncomfortable with the "health" aspect of the intact penis.

ETA - My MIL passed away soon after dh and I were married, but I know if she was here that she would applaud us leaving her grandson(s) intact because she left dh intact almost 24 years ago. I assume that FIL will assume that we're leaving his grandson(s) intact since dh is intact. I have no idea what step-MIL did with her sons' penises or what she thinks about circumcision, nor do I really care at this point... she's not dh's mother or our children's grandmother (not really) so she truly shouldn't care either way.

love and peace.
post #18 of 120
My mom asked me wouldn't I feel guilty if my son got an infection? I said no, explained everything to her, printed off a bunch of info for her, and now she is an intactivist, passing out the info I gave her to pregnant women.
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My Inlaws are pro circ, but we already had an argument about circ before i was even pregannt. It hasn't come up since.
post #19 of 120

Plenty of support here!

My MIL (bless her heart) fought circ'ing her son in 1972 so my DH is intact, and technically Jewish btw. She was very happy that Daniel would be intact as well. My mother hadn't ever thought about it before (just me and my sister), but I guess my Dad was circ'd by a mohel since he's Jewish. My mother said that her brother and father were intact so it seems normal to her!

I've never met my FIL since he's been out of the picture for 25 years. I have no idea of my Dad's opinion, I no longer have contact with him and he doesn't see my kids.

Altogether, the only protest I had was from my sister, who had circ'd her son in 1999. I wish I'd known of all the info then, but I don't know if it would have changed her non-practicing Muslim DH's mind.

Anne
DS Daniel 21 months
DD Lily 4
post #20 of 120
When my mom found out she said, "Oh, is that the trend now?" Not sure what that means. My father is a surgeon and once wanted to get a novelty license plate that said something about 2 cut is 2 cure (not sure how that would fit on a plate but whatever). I have a feeling is is for circ, because he has never said a word to me and won't respond if it is brought up. I am glad I haven't had opposition to it, but I haven't had support either.
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