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11 year old son and hardcore pornography - Page 2

post #21 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoodWillHunter View Post
I did tell him that I didn't like how the pornography portrayed women and that it made women seem as objects rather than people. Although, I'm not sure if he got the idea, lol. But, at any rate, he knows that hardcore is not acceptable. It is entirely possible, MamaWindmill. I think he had it stashed in several places (even at my parents' house) He and his cousin (who is 13) downloaded it together, IIRC. My sister made her son apologize to my parents for doing this. I totally disagree with that... It's punitive and degrading.

Thanks, btw. I'm just a bit sensitive today...
Ah! The plot thickens! I have a strong, strong premonition that your son, who burst into tears when the subject first came up, felt weird and uncomfortable about those pictures but didn't want to appear childish in front of the older kid. Not to do a patented MDC-Knee-Jerk-Reaction ( ), but are there any issues with the 13 year old, that you know of? Do you feel there's any reason to be concerned about having your boy around him? That would get my spidey-sense tingling just a teense, but of course, I am a bit (just a bit! I swear!) overprotective.
post #22 of 172
I don't know, I see the concern that somehow seeing porn is going to make people think that all women should look a certain way or act a certain way ect ect and I just haven't seen that played out in reality. Do some people have rigid ideas about acceptable looks? yes. But IME porn has not been the caustive reason for that. I'm in my 40s and most of the men and women I know have experience looking at porn starting at a variety of ages and they are all in relationships with average looking people with mostly satisfying sex lives. I've actually only known a few men (and in fact more women) that have narrow views regarding acceptable looks for partners. It just hasn't been my experience that these two things are directly related.
post #23 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
I don't know, I see the concern that somehow seeing porn is going to make people think that all women should look a certain way or act a certain way ect ect and I just haven't seen that played out in reality. Do some people have rigid ideas about acceptable looks? yes. But IME porn has not been the caustive reason for that. I'm in my 40s and most of the men and women I know have experience looking at porn starting at a variety of ages and they are all in relationships with average looking people with mostly satisfying sex lives. I've actually only known a few men (and in fact more women) that have narrow views regarding acceptable looks for partners. It just hasn't been my experience that these two things are directly related.
/agree


I wouldn't think spidey senses would go off because he was with his older cousin doing this. His older cousin is probably more interested than your son is, but typically when boys start looking for this type of material they do it with a friend or brother or relative. It is pretty typical. I had my brother and we sought out porn together in my young and his mid teens. Being curious and seeking out knowledge is fairly normal behavior and lets face it. When puberty hits the curiousity in both genders goes WAY up.


Net nanny and traffic stoppers are not as effective as they claim to be. don't get me wrong, they are GOOD at keeping out the vast majority but the sites that are blocked are FOUND by PEOPLE blocking the porn sites. There are NEW sites going up every day and there is no way to block them all short of unplugging the computer.
post #24 of 172
can I just say I love the term spidey senses
post #25 of 172
I wouldn't go for traditional porn because I feel like it is contributing to a system that oppresses women (I mean this in a totally abstract way, not just a 'it makes guys think that women should look this way' type thing, although I think that too). But that's just me.

However we do have several books lying around in boxes around here that we picked up at a regular bookstore that are about sex and have lots of pictures of people having sex in them (not too graphic though). But they are all absolutely normal people. You know, like the kama sutra type things? There are some pictures of older people, all different races and at least a general representation of body types and very few implants that I can see.

Just wanted to offer the suggestion in case you hadn't thought about it (i didn't read the thread too carefully ) But this thread has inspired me to get those books out and leave them 'hidden' around in case my 11 yo is interested...
post #26 of 172
FWIW, I found the book "Pornified" by Pamela Paul REALLY interesting on this topic. She speaks from a social/media studies perspective about the impact porn has on viewers due to the sheer volume and easy availability of really extreme stuff online. She is NOT coming from a religious or political POV, and most of her book relies on personal interviews and surveys. One of her key points is that now that people are able to view more extreme porn, in far greater volume, from very young ages, it's a matter of societal interest and concern what, exactly, that does to a person's mind. Much like we should be concerned with consumerism and media saturation in other regards.
post #27 of 172
How are we defining extreme?
post #28 of 172
Thread Starter 
It is possible that the older cousin brought porn to my son's attention. I will say that I don't have a problem with them spending time together as my nephew is a good kid. I like him a lot. I don't know how they handled it at his house other than he was forced to confront my parents face to face and apologize to them. I disagree with that.

But, honestly,I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now. Other than keep on keepin' on. I really don't feel totally comfortable getting a sub to playboy, just because I have a pre-teen, yk? I don't know. I'm sure something will come to me.... I'm pretty sure his dad has a sub to playboy and I can't control that at all, since I'm not married or living with him, yk?
post #29 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
How are we defining extreme?
I don't know, but there was a period of time in the 90s when I was constantly getting spam for horse shlong porn. Maybe that's not extreme to some, but I sure as hell never saw it in Playboy.

Also, I'm not going to argue with anyone about this but I have a firm opinion that re-enactments of violence are harmful, whether it's rape fantasy porn or "Law and Order SVU." Violent-themed porn is pretty common online from what I can tell. At least more common than it is in "softcore" publications that were the bulk of what was easily available when we were kids.
post #30 of 172
You don't need to get a Sub. As embarassing as it might be, you can always pick up one or two magazines from bookstores. Your DS would probably stay pretty occupied with that much material for awhile. AND that gives you the ability to check out the magazines and determine if they meet your guidelines. Most of the bigger name mags don't even show actual "contact" these days, and are pretty soft.

Just switch the printouts with something you approve of. Nothing needs to be said, unless you want to. Maybe even leave a note along the lines of "Come find me if you want to talk about anything" or whatnot.
post #31 of 172
I just have to say I don't think that purchasing more porn is the answer, here. The kid in question is 11. It's natural for him to have curiousity, but I think more academic answers are in order at this point in his development. I don't think porn magazines are the kind of education a kid that young really needs--not to mention he's seen it all on the computer anyhow and that stuff is pretty formulaic. It's not an education at all!

It's also important to note that while it is commonplace for the law to be broken, it is highly illegal to supply a minor with pornography. It's considered a sex offense in many jurisdictions.
post #32 of 172
not advocating the playboy route.

However.

It isn't like you can't preview the magazine first and cut out whatever you find unacceptable.


I don't think getting a playboy for the boy is the answer, at his age maxim/fhm should be fine to satisfy the curiousity at his age, and make the guidelines that his subscription ends the day you find more porn that is unacceptable?

Just an idea.
post #33 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by treereach View Post
I wouldn't go for traditional porn because I feel like it is contributing to a system that oppresses women (I mean this in a totally abstract way, not just a 'it makes guys think that women should look this way' type thing, although I think that too). But that's just me.
: Don't support Playboy, people! Let's not give our money to an industry that is brainwashing us all with its misogynist propaganda. Why should Playboy define American sexuality?

Quote:
Originally Posted by treereach View Post
However we do have several books lying around in boxes around here that we picked up at a regular bookstore that are about sex and have lots of pictures of people having sex in them (not too graphic though). But they are all absolutely normal people. You know, like the kama sutra type things? There are some pictures of older people, all different races and at least a general representation of body types and very few implants that I can see.
I think books are an excellent idea. It's totally normal for a preteen to be interested in sex, and I definitely agree with satisfying his curiosity with books. I highly recommend the book: Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: Expanded Third Edition: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships.
post #34 of 172
Ok, here's my 2cents. I was 6 when I found my dad's stash of porn. 6. He had a subscription to PentHouse and Play Boy and he also had a variety of movies. I saw it all. My mom found out. She was devistated. My dad found out. He really didn't care. He would read his mags in the living room while he watched football on Sunday (we were church goers). I was basically addicted to porn until a few years ago and it continues to be a challenge for me. For me, it ruined my childhood. I thought about this stuff constantly. I wish that my barbies could have been just having a food fight or something, but instead they were having sex. In every position bc at the age of 7 I knew them all. For me, I really wish my mom had put her foot down and made my dad get rid of it. She wanted him to, but he wouldn't. I feel like I was ruled by that nightstand in my parent's room and would sneak these magazines out and read them, cover to cover. I really wish that they would have put their foot down and gotten rid of them. If he's that upset by looking at them, then it sounds like something he wants to stop doing. It's like drugs. You're addicted to them, but you want to stop. So you're caught and instead of getting help like you're seeking, you're told that it's perfectly normal and you're allowed to continue. If it were me, the decision would be that until he's at the age to make that decision on his own then he's not allowed to have it in the house. My brother also feels the same way about the porn, he knew about it and sneaked it, also. That's JMO and I could be off about him wanting to stop, but if he wants to stop, he's just having trouble stopping, he needs some help. Help him by not allowing him to see it at all. He'll be better off in the long run if that's what he's trying to say.
post #35 of 172
Quote:
Why should Playboy define American sexuality?
I'll agree with that, I don't think playboy should be the definer of sexuality. There is alot more to it than they cover, or at least the last time I read it which hasn't been recently.
post #36 of 172
Geez, Maxim and FHM? Talk about misogynist...

Changing bodies looks like a pretty good one, Rayo. It's got alot of info in it. I'll have to pick it up.

I wouldn't worry too much, GWH. Even if you slipped up really bad and ended up making the wrong decision about how to handle this, your loving attention will still probably turn him into a decent human being. You seem to be doing great.
post #37 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by treereach View Post
Geez, Maxim and FHM? Talk about misogynist...

That looks like a good one, Rayo. I'll have to pick it up.

I wouldn't worry too much, GWH. Even if you slipped up really bad and ended up making the wrong decision about how to handle this, your loving attention will still probably turn him into a decent human being. You seem to be doing great.
: to all that.

I wonder what publications people would be suggesting, if any, if we were discussing an 11 year old girl...
post #38 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by treereach View Post
Geez, Maxim and FHM? Talk about misogynist...

Changing bodies looks like a pretty good one, Rayo. It's got alot of info in it. I'll have to pick it up.

I wouldn't worry too much, GWH. Even if you slipped up really bad and ended up making the wrong decision about how to handle this, your loving attention will still probably turn him into a decent human being. You seem to be doing great.
Yes, because Maxim, with willing models is....

American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source mi·sog·y·nis·tic (mĭ-sŏj'ə-nĭs'tĭk) Pronunciation Key
adj. Of or characterized by a hatred of women




Hatred of women... riiiiight.



That being said I was not the one to bring up playboy, I was giving alternatives. A young man who is hitting puberty and actively searching for porn will find it. Period. If you do not want it in your house there are compromises that can be made, or you can ban it. If you ban it that just means they will do it behind your back.

I would rather have an open honest relationship with my child than forbay something that they will lie to me about later.
post #39 of 172
Well, Yoshua, I'm not going to get in another argument with you on this subject and ruin GWH's thread. I'm pretty sure all of us women are familiar with the definition of misogyny. And I am absolutely positive that Maxim and FHM are PRIMARY examples of it. But you will have to do a little more reading on women's issues to understand the concept. Just because men like to look at women naked and play with their bodies does not preclude hatred towards their actual person.

I'm going to take a nap now. Good luck, GWH.
post #40 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Punkymom View Post
Ok, here's my 2cents. I was 6 when I found my dad's stash of porn. 6. He had a subscription to PentHouse and Play Boy and he also had a variety of movies. I saw it all. My mom found out. She was devistated. My dad found out. He really didn't care. He would read his mags in the living room while he watched football on Sunday (we were church goers). I was basically addicted to porn until a few years ago and it continues to be a challenge for me. For me, it ruined my childhood. I thought about this stuff constantly. I wish that my barbies could have been just having a food fight or something, but instead they were having sex. In every position bc at the age of 7 I knew them all. For me, I really wish my mom had put her foot down and made my dad get rid of it. She wanted him to, but he wouldn't. I feel like I was ruled by that nightstand in my parent's room and would sneak these magazines out and read them, cover to cover. I really wish that they would have put their foot down and gotten rid of them. If he's that upset by looking at them, then it sounds like something he wants to stop doing. It's like drugs. You're addicted to them, but you want to stop. So you're caught and instead of getting help like you're seeking, you're told that it's perfectly normal and you're allowed to continue. If it were me, the decision would be that until he's at the age to make that decision on his own then he's not allowed to have it in the house. My brother also feels the same way about the porn, he knew about it and sneaked it, also. That's JMO and I could be off about him wanting to stop, but if he wants to stop, he's just having trouble stopping, he needs some help. Help him by not allowing him to see it at all. He'll be better off in the long run if that's what he's trying to say.


I am sorry for everything you went through, truly am. But when a child shows curiousity in something I think it is time to inform them about the truth of they are curious about.

I am not advocating handing a preteen porn. far from it. But their curiousity is not going to stop just because you want it to.

I agree he will be better off in the long run if he managed to stay away from porn completely until his early/mid teens. And by porn I include maxim/fhm and basically any magizne defined as a 'gentlemens' magazine, which is a concept I never understood.... why they call them gentelmens magazines.



But once the can of worms is open, as you know, it is nearly impossible to close. I would have an in depth conversation with him about why you dislike the porn industry, which it sounds like you have already touched on a bit? and I would ask him what he wants to do about the situation and if he didn't feel comfortable talking about it maybe he could write it down?

This is a very awkward stage and adding the education about sexuality is confusing. And then putting 'fake sexuality' which is what I deem porn is even MORE confusing on top of that.

I don't have alot of advice because I have NOT been there, I know what my dad did with us worked and didn't work at the same time, but I was about a year older than your son and my brother was also there to talk to about it. I never would have talked to my parents about wanting to look at porn and I would have just told them what they wanted to hear instead of the truth at that age.
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