or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › 11 year old son and hardcore pornography
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

11 year old son and hardcore pornography - Page 3

post #41 of 172
I feel kind of torn on this issue, and I'd be afraid of getting in trouble (with CPS or the police) if it was discovered that I let an 11yo view this stuff- and that would interfere with my own judgement about whether or not it was actually appropriate. I'd certainly take this opportunity to talk frankly with him about sex, what various sex acts are called (both slang and medical terms) and talk about STDs, pregnancy, and the relative risks of each with various sex acts. If he's old enough to view the acts performed, he should at the very least have the medical knowledge to go along with it.

My gut instints would be to talk to him about sex- what it is, what it isn't, and how pornography differs from "real sex." Talk about the emotional component. Talk about how men's and women's bodies are usually less "perfect looking" than those of porn stars. Talk about how not all women (and men) enjoy all the sex acts often portrayed in porn. Talk about how real men sometimes have problems getting or maintaining erections (including premature ejaculation)- it's just as unhealthy for him to compare himself to the men in porn as it is for him to expect all women to look and act like the women in porn.

And then I'd focus on how wonderful sex really can be, and how viewing too much porn can warp his expectations and make the real thing less wonderful when the time comes.
post #42 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post
Yes, because Maxim, with willing models is....

American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source mi·sog·y·nis·tic (mĭ-sŏj'ə-nĭs'tĭk) Pronunciation Key
adj. Of or characterized by a hatred of women




Hatred of women... riiiiight.



That being said I was not the one to bring up playboy, I was giving alternatives. A young man who is hitting puberty and actively searching for porn will find it. Period. If you do not want it in your house there are compromises that can be made, or you can ban it. If you ban it that just means they will do it behind your back.

I would rather have an open honest relationship with my child than forbay something that they will lie to me about later.
Yoshua, if you can honestly say that Maxim/FHM - which gleefully crow their sexist message from every page - are not misogynistic, then I am led to believe you either don't understand the prevalence of sexism in American media or are haven't done much studying on the issue.

I don't know what "forbay" means, so I will wait for you to clarify your last statement before I respond further.
post #43 of 172
Yoshua (and other posters), I really don't have the time and energy to get into a major debate about a serious subject either, especially since I can tell that I would have to explain a minority opinion, but I did want to share some INFORMATION with the op:

Anti-Porn Resource Center

Excerpts from Andrea Dworkin's book

My 18yodd has been to both sites. Neither she nor her bf have any use for porn, but that has not prevented them from having a very healthy, respectful, and enjoyable relationship.

Punkymom, typing in that post took a lot of courage. You are very brave.
post #44 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaWindmill View Post
Yoshua, if you can honestly say that Maxim/FHM - which gleefully crow their sexist message from every page - are not misogynistic, then I am led to believe you either don't understand the prevalence of sexism in American media or are haven't done much studying on the issue.

I don't know what "forbay" means, so I will wait for you to clarify your last statement before I respond further.
forbid, typed to fast.
post #45 of 172
Many people don't agree with Dworkin because of her definition of porn.



http://books.guardian.co.uk/departme...460563,00.html
post #46 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post
forbid, typed to fast.
Gotcha.

Well, like others have said, it's probably not the time or place to debate this issue, so I'll drop it.
post #47 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
Many people don't agree with Dworkin because of her definition of porn.



http://books.guardian.co.uk/departme...460563,00.html
I'm not a big Dworkin fan myself.
post #48 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by noordinaryspider View Post
Yoshua (and other posters), I really don't have the time and energy to get into a major debate about a serious subject either, especially since I can tell that I would have to explain a minority opinion, but I did want to share some INFORMATION with the op:

Anti-Porn Resource Center

Excerpts from Andrea Dworkin's book

My 18yodd has been to both sites. Neither she nor her bf have any use for porn, but that has not prevented them from having a very healthy, respectful, and enjoyable relationship.

Punkymom, typing in that post took a lot of courage. You are very brave.

Thank you for this.

Also, as usual Ruthla wins my "sensible poster" award. Go Ruth!
post #49 of 172
I would throw out the 'new' stuff you found and I agree with Ruthla that you should talk to him carefully about everything she suggested.

I don't think porn (or Maxim/FHM) is at all appropriate for an 11 yr old child and would not allow my child to own any of it or look at it in our home.

edited to add... GWH I think you handled everything wonderfully when you first discovered the porn and talked to your ds...especially considering how shocked you must have been at the time.
post #50 of 172
Wondering why playboy is something to consider, but not maxin/fhm. I have to admit I have no clue about maxim/fhm, so that might explain why I am missing why those are worse than playboy.

OP -- personally I wouldn't provide any of the magazines accidently or otherwise to my 11.5 year old. My son has been battling a online porn addiction since he turned 10. He has in the last few months come to me and asked me to provide more blockers to help him along. He gets frustrated with himself that he can't seem to stop viewing it. He goes in spurts though, where he isn't viewing it at all, then gets started again.
post #51 of 172
Thread Starter 
Sigh. This is not what I wanted to start. I am not going to purposefully provide a Playboy subscription. I really really thought deeply about it and found that I couldn't accept that. It didn't feel right to me. I believe that my son, given love and understanding by myself and his father, will be fine. I believe his father does get a Men's Health subscription and there are plenty of pictures for my son's perusal.

To all of you who have provided information and insight, thank you.

And for some reason, this quote struck me as funny:

Quote:
Wondering why playboy is something to consider, but not maxin/fhm. I have to admit I have no clue about maxim/fhm, so that might explain why I am missing why those are worse than playboy
Um, cause the articles in Playboy are better? *sorry couldn't resist*
post #52 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar View Post
I'm wondering if part of the confusion with your son is that in the first place you gave him a choice to keep the pictures. I would like to see more parental leadership here. I think he needs to hear that his curiosity is natural, cool, etc. but that sex is about a lot more than these pictures and that it can be a negative thing to have his views of women, his thoughts about sex, etc. be tied up with hard core images.

There are pictures that if put in a person's head early (and strongly reinforced - what could be a bigger reinforcement than an orgasm) are hard to get over. There is some really icky, really nasty stuff online that frankly I'd rather not have a kid see. 11 is a kid. Kids may have sexual feelings but that doesn't make them anything other than kids who need guidance and help to make healthy choices.

In some ways this conversation is reminding a lot of conversations about spanking in some circles where we hear "but I turned out fine" and lots of rationalizations and justifications that what parents did was correct. I think it is possible to say instead that while many people turn out just fine viewing porn as children, it isn't the best way to learn about sex and one thing we can do as parents is to provide safe places for our kids.
:
post #53 of 172
I first learned the birds and the bees when I stumbled across an anatomy book. Maybe something like that would be more appropriate? Or a sex ed book? I really hate the way porn portrays women and I don't think the full knowledge of what porn is, isn't, and shouldn't be comes much later in life. My highschool boyfriend's mom bought him Maxims and Playboys and I ALWAYS felt inferior when they came in the mail. I was always very sensitive about how he treated me soon after, I felt like I was being compared... even if I wasn't.
post #54 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Organicavocado View Post
I first learned the birds and the bees when I stumbled across an anatomy book. Maybe something like that would be more appropriate? Or a sex ed book? I really hate the way porn portrays women and I don't think the full knowledge of what porn is, isn't, and shouldn't be comes much later in life. My highschool boyfriend's mom bought him Maxims and Playboys and I ALWAYS felt inferior when they came in the mail. I was always very sensitive about how he treated me soon after, I felt like I was being compared... even if I wasn't.
That sentance gave me another view. Thank you.

I didn't think of the direct affect it would have on their current signficant other...

I don't think it would change my stance very much, but that bit of insight has affected it. Thank you.
post #55 of 172
I would just like to add I grew up in a house with a entertainment room in the basement. It was a finished room in our unfinished basement, had a door, and surround sound, and a big tv, and cable, every channel.

We would sneak down, us 4 girls, and watch it ALL the time, starting from maybe 3rd grade on. We would switch the channel if anyone came, and switch it before we turned the tv off so we wouldnt get in trouble... Not because we enjoyed it sexually, but because it was interesting.

It was hardcore sex porn we watched and saw. I STILL have EVERY picture or scenario I ever saw ENGRAVED in my head. I know exactly what happened in every show on those channels. It sick, and wrong, and I wish I didnt. I HATE thinking about those things.

Sex is a burning lust in every one of us. Lets not feed the fire. His innocents is going to be gone before we know it. Young men with porn problems from a young age always seem to be the ones who murder women with pantyhose. I have watched and read more true-crime novels then I can say. They ALWAYS were weird sexually, from a very young age. Please take it away now!
post #56 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovemy3babies View Post
Young men with porn problems from a young age always seem to be the ones who murder women with pantyhose. I have watched and read more true-crime novels then I can say. They ALWAYS were weird sexually, from a very young age. Please take it away now!
Nice to know my son will grow up to be a man who murders women with pantyhose. : :

You should read less "true-crime" novels that are designed to sell to an audience and more about the actual research into what drives these men to murder.
post #57 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovemy3babies View Post
Young men with porn problems from a young age always seem to be the ones who murder women with pantyhose. I have watched and read more true-crime novels then I can say. They ALWAYS were weird sexually, from a very young age. Please take it away now!
Correlation does not equal causation. People who commit sexual crime might well be more likely to get their thrills from watching porn, but I doubt seeing porn is going to make an otherwise 'normal' (for the lack of a better word) person commit pantyhose murder.

I should hope most kids would be media-critical enough to understand that porn is no more real than anything else you see on the TV. But then again, if adults think true-crime novels are the way to get an education about the psychology of sex offenders, what chance do kids have?
post #58 of 172
GWH, this is an interesting topic. Thank you so much for sharing, I have a 12 year old son and though this hasn't come up personally yet, it's good to hear some of the info here.

I for one think your doing an amazing job at working through this you're trying to be respectful, allow him to explore and still guide him - what more can a mama do?

On the order of privacy, both of my kids have a night stand with drawers. It's always been know that these drawers are private. They may keep journals, diary's and other items in there (I do ask them not to keep food though). I've made a commitment to them that I will not ever, ever go through it - it's their private place for personal things. My mother not only read my diary, she wrote me back in it telling me to be nicer to my mother and even signing it "your diary". Privacy is VERY important to me. I do respect their privacy in their rooms, but they both have severe allergies and I do have to get in there and vacuumed often, so if playboys are between the mattresses, I'm going to run across them - that's where the drawers come in handy.

On the other hand, I do let my kids know that what they say and do on the computer is not private. Ds is now IMing and the rule is, I know who is on their list and I get to look over their shoulder any time. I also review their history - that too is no secrete. I'm strict on internet safety, but I do let them know that if they want something private, the nightstand is always an option.

As for porn, I think what your doing is perfect. You didn't shame or degrade him and your keeping the lines of communication open - thank you, I will keep all this in mind if/when it comes up in our lives.

Your son is lucky to have a mom so willing to explore this and be sensitive of his feelings
post #59 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoodWillHunter View Post
I don't know how they handled it at his house other than he was forced to confront my parents face to face and apologize to them. I disagree with that.
Okay, I'll bite. Why was it wrong to make a 13yo apologize for abusing the trust his grandparents had in him by downloading porn via their computer? They could get in trouble for having provided (even inadvertently) porn to a minor and porn sites are notorious for bringing loads of bugs and viruses along with them.
post #60 of 172
(NAKing, sorry for no caps )

i think that finding this porn could be a blessing in disguise. i know that as we get older we forget what it was like to be the age of our children and every generation is different than the one before it. maybe this is a segway into initial or more in depth talks with your son about sex.

startling, tmi confession...although my husband and i have only been with each other, we started having sex when he was fifteen and *brace yourself* i had just turned thirteen. we had been together exclusively for over a year but we both agree that we were in way over our heads. my parents had no idea. i won't say that all of my friends were active too but some of them were, hickies and foreplay were fairly common.

we had to have chaperons if we went out, couldn't be in the house alone together, cerfew, etc. we always found a way we think that we just took sex to lightly because:

1. pregnancy and std were "all we had too worry about". we used condums and were virgins when we met so we were 'safe'

2. no understanding of risking our relationship by moving too quickly

3. we had no sexual morals
*when is sex ok
*waiting for marriage/committment
*no capacity for healthy accountability, if we did get preggo

4. no concept of how our current sexual behavior could impact our future relationships.

my suggestion as a 22 year old new mama with my own personal sexual history that i described, is to try to guide your son to establish a healthy sexual character. one that understands things like monogomy, the gravity of std and pregnacy as very possible consequences, give him a safe haven for asking questions and seeking advice even if it isn't you personally, talk about the risks of addiction to pornography. i would also be interested to know about sexual activities of his friends because at that age your friends are the frame of reference you use to decide what is normal.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › 11 year old son and hardcore pornography