11 year old son and hardcore pornography - Page 5

[<~*MamaRose*~>]

I've read only the first page but I wanted to reply to you so once I'm done I will finish reading so sorry IA if I'm repeating.

My son is now 15 and I’ve been where you are now. At 11 they are VERY curious and even though I had/ have a very open relationship with my son there is only so much he will willing talk about and well masturbation and porn fall into that category LOL!

IMO blocking the computer for porn is smart since there is some really really inappropriate stuff online. Oh and I do want to mention that I caught DS and a friend looking at porn online so I've BTDT and know how you feel. I have also found naked mag pics under DS mattress and he was about 12. I was freaked but I kept that part to myself. I also thought it was normal that at 11 he was starting to be curious and I also knew that masturbation was either already happening or was just around the corner. I took the pics as an opportunity to discuss masturbation and sex in general and really didn't talk all that much about the fact that he had pictures KWIM. I will say that as I came across mag pics I did throw them away but stopped doing that when he was 14....this was at the request of my husband. He really was uncomfortable with how I may have been making DS feel by doing that as he really believed that what DS was doing was normal and didn't want us sending a message that DS was dirty or bad.

I speak with DS regularly about all aspects of sex.

[Vypros]

Originally Posted by MSAX

Oh please, oh please don't think you know so much as to suggest that A. you know what this class of people you call "men" all want and like and B. that exposing boys of feminist porn instead of mainstream porn is somehow going to screw them up. I am highly trained in human sexuality and while there are some interesting ideological responses to feminist eroticism, some and some cute folk wisdom about 'the sexes' in your response, there is nothing scientific, nothing factual, and nothing of any merit in your response.

We are talking about an 11 year old boy here - not what you or men you know like to get off with. More power too you, I am cool with adults doing whatever they like. I am suggesting that such mags have the same imagines the OP had protested to in the first place and that she would possibly be better served by simply having some other books around that, should he be curious, he could find and loot at. Certianly my healthy, happy and well-adjusted 3 older brothers did precisely this at that age and guess what, they survived the 'screw up' potential you suggest.

While I am a man, I was also once an 11 year old boy, so I think that qualifies more more than any amount of "training" you've had in the area. Unless you are male, of course.

I'm not the one suggesting giving him ANYTHING. I was saying to make it as hard as possible for him to find this stuff, and then let him find what has to on his own. He doesn't need books or websites to learn about sexuality. Sexuality is the ONE thing that comes natural. His desires are natural at this age, and his curiosities are natural. Feminist propaganda is NOT natural. I've read some of it and personally I found it to be so anti-man that it's ridiculous.

[GoodWillHunter]

Originally Posted by Lovemy3babies

I understand where you are coming from. The actual problem will more then likely be solved by communication, getting to the root of the problem. But my children WILL respect adults, or anyone in authority. If they do not, they will appologize for it. Even if they dont mean it, its good manners.

He could have gotten his grandparents into some trouble with what he was viewing. He should at LEAST have to appologize, not that it fixes the problem, but its out of respect.

I will not. I respect my child too much to scar him for life for doing what is natural to any human being. Denying that we have curiosity is lying to ourselves.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by Vypros

While I am a man, I was also once an 11 year old boy, so I think that qualifies more more than any amount of "training" you've had in the area. Unless you are male, of course.

Coz male sexuality is so mystical and foreign that us little women could never hope to understand it. Even if we have a university degree in the subject and are sexual beings ourselves. :

[GoodWillHunter]

And, again, thank you all for your kind replies. I am very respectful of my son's blossoming sexuality and hope to teach him to embrace it rather than see it as wrong. However, I want him to have age-appropriate exposures (no pun intended) to help him feel comfortable in his journey. I guess he'll have to content himself with our (my husband's and my) collection of books that he may or may not find... depending on how hard he looks. They're not "hidden", lol. He just may need to look for them. LOL.

[jaye]

Originally Posted by Vypros

Also, men have almost NO desire for erotica books. None, whatsoever. So erotica books, while considered almost "porn" for a female, does very little for a man.

That is completely untrue. Do you know any men?

[jaye]

Originally Posted by GoodWillHunter

I will not. I respect my child too much to scar him for life for doing what is natural to any human being. Denying that we have curiosity is lying to ourselves.

[mlec]

Originally Posted by MamaWindmill

we have to remember that this is a delicate time in a boy's life

I agree. And porn experienced this early in a child's life can actually be experienced as sexual abuse. It can also prevent him from experiencing fulfilling relational sex later in his life.

[GoodWillHunter]

And I am doing my best to protect him. He will be undergoing therapy within the next few weeks (not for this, but other issues) and I'm hoping that having a 100% safe person with which to speak will help him work through these issues and help reach a point where he will have a fulfilling sexual relationship later in life.

[mlec]

I just shared this thread w/ my dh, and he was surprised MDC-ers were OK w/ porn. (DH, pointing to the top of my screen) "NATURAL family living! Porn is FAKE!"

[GoodWillHunter]

sigh. the attraction to porn is natural. not all porn is fake. but i'm not really into discussing semantics.

[captain crunchy]

GWH ---

I just stumbled onto this thread (from the main page) and I have read it all the way through --- my word, the variation of responses!!

I just wanted to say you sound like a very caring, loving mama who loves her son so much to be reading and posting and finding a solution that meets the needs of everyone involved --- I applaud you for that.

I also want to reassure you. I think a lot of people are bringing in their own baggage and past experiences and hang-ups and whatnot to this thread and while I don't fault people for that -- what are we but the make-up of all we have lived? -- I do have to say that I think some people are taking this to a far too desperate and serious degree than neccessary.

I am not a fan of porn for various reasons that have already been beaten to death on MDC but what I AM an advocate of, is exactly how you are handling the situation -- treating your son's curiosity and blossoming sexual desires and feelings as completely NORMAL AND HEALTHY! I applaud how you handled this situation and how you chose the highest of all grounds to take -- the one where you assumed positive intent in your son and who he is, where you remained calm and loving and non-judgmental, where you are open to discussion and to respecting privacy.. where you are not afraid to set reasonable boundaries as to what is acceptable and comfortable to you in your home AS WELL as respecting his curiosity and natural sexual feelings and growing interest in those things...

You sound like a WONDERFUL mama who is on the absolute right track in this situation.

As far as my personal opinion, I really like the route of having some books and things accessible that both meet his need to see some skin, but meet your comfort level. I remember thumbing through my mom's "Joy Of Sex" book at that age with my older sister with facination (cmon it was the early 80's, that book was hot then) -- it didn't damage me for life! They were just sketches of normal looking, hairy people in various (pretty vanilla and run of the mill) sexual positions and whatnot. Things of that nature...

If you feel comfortable with something of that nature or comparable... like something sort of health-based but also shows what he is curious to see, representing the type of people (different colors, shapes etc) you are comfortable with him seeing -- might be a good, healthy, mutually agreeable solution for everyone involved.

For what it is worth, no one had porn lying around our house (except my mom's bedside table drawer *Joy Of Sex* book), we weren't abused and my barbies had sex with eachother too... ... so you don't have to be damaged or abused or all messed up for Ken to want a booty call once in a while...

Anyway, I am now a nearly 30 year old, married, sexually healthy woman and my mom didn't handle sexual curiosity nearly as well as you are -- she didn't it handle it in a *dirty and wrong* type way, more like a "quit readin' my darn book.. it is in the drawer for a reason!" type way ...

Anyway I just wanted to offer my support for this delicate situation. I admire the respect you have for your son and also your ability to stay calm and reasonable in what can probably be a very uncomfortable situation at times!

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by mlec

I just shared this thread w/ my dh, and he was surprised MDC-ers were OK w/ porn. (DH, pointing to the top of my screen) "NATURAL family living! Porn is FAKE!"

I am not sure the majority of MDC members are OK with porn.

I do believe a majority of MDC members feel the attraction to the porn is natural. Boys/Girls are interested in the opposite sex at some point in their lives. I think that with the technology age it is much easier to access porn than in years past (when you had to "find" your dad/neighbor/brother/uncle/etc's stash of magazines.

I think it is completely natural to be curious about sex and porn is one avenue that shows it (even though I am not OK with porn).

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by mlec

I just shared this thread w/ my dh, and he was surprised MDC-ers were OK w/ porn. (DH, pointing to the top of my screen) "NATURAL family living! Porn is FAKE!"

I would like to respectfully point out that not everyone feels the same way about porn, and that does not make one "non-NFL" - nor does it make you MORE NFL if you are anti-porn.

The purpose of pornography is to aid a person in releasing sexual energy, which is, in my opinion, perfectly natural.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by mlec

I just shared this thread w/ my dh, and he was surprised MDC-ers were OK w/ porn. (DH, pointing to the top of my screen) "NATURAL family living! Porn is FAKE!"

I only like amateur porn.

[GoodWillHunter]

and that is all natural, as far as I know. Thank you Captain Crunchy, Houdini, and Mama Windmill for your kindness and information in this thread.

[glendora]

Originally Posted by MamaWindmill

I would like to respectfully point out that not everyone feels the same way about porn, and that does not make one "non-NFL" - nor does it make you MORE NFL if you are anti-porn.

The purpose of pornography is to aid a person in releasing sexual energy, which is, in my opinion, perfectly natural.

The purpose of pornography is to make money for the distributor. Everything else is a side benefit.

[attachedmamaof3]

I hope this isn't beating the issue to death (and GWH you've been really patient and trying to figure out a good way to handle this without doing harm).

I was thinking about art sketches/books where people actually look like real, everyday people. A lot of my issue with hardcore porn being viewed by children has to do with expectation later in life. Would they expect their partners to look/act like the actors in porn? I would think yes...

I'm not at all suggesting that you buy different porn magazines and give them to him and I understand that you have other books laying around...maybe have some of the really beautiful and natural pictures of real women and you talk to him about his curiosity and how normal it is, but that you want him to understand that some of the 'hardcore' stuff is 'special effects' and that if he is curious about what women look like maybe he should check out such and such book that you've put in the living room/bathroom/his room whatever and for him to feel free to come to you if he has questions or whatever....would that be too geeky?

I really don't know, I'm trying to help!

[GoodWillHunter]

Thank you so much. I'm so tired right now I can't see straight (and I'm on texas time). I'll be back tomorrow to think some more.

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by glendora

The purpose of pornography is to make money for the distributor. Everything else is a side benefit.

I think it's the other way around - people seek sexual gratification through visual stimuli, and the side effect is that some people make money from it.