I've been in a lesbian bubble OR Agh, straight people!

[gamitzer]

I really, really don't want this to come off as anti-straight, but I feel like I have some legitimate questions and concerns about my impending contact with a lot more straight people. I know there are tons of cool, accepting, and open straight people/couples out there, but my concerns are about the straight people that just don't get it or are rude. I realized recently that our life is going to become a lot less gay once we have the baby. I mean, there are lots of gay parents, but not that many. I'm guessing the majority of our friends will be straight parents with kids because we will want to have playdates, go to kid activities, and even just hang out at the playground. Of course we will have our close gay friends to pal around with, but since none have kids, we have to get used to hanging out with more straight people.
So, can any gay parents tell me about how things changed once you had your kid(s)? Do you find that you have more straight or gay friends at this point in time? Does everything just kinda fit into place or did you have to strive to find cool friends? Do you have any advice to pass on? And words of wisdom or mistakes you wish you hadn't made? Anything would be great.
This sort of came about after I hung out with a new sports team recently. We went out to a meal after our game, and I started chatting with a straight mom of two. When I told her I was gay, she said "Oh, I hate men too!" I sorta laughed and said, "Oh, I don't hate them, I just don't love them!" and she laughed in response. She then went on to be really cool, talking about other gay people she knows, but it kinda threw me off because I'm not used to hearing things like that. I have really thick skin and things really don't bother me, but I do feel like I've been living in a lesbian bubble for the last few years, at least. I just want to prepare myself for life in the straight world again. Meredith

[chfriend]

It's true that you hang out more with straight people once the kids arrive. Our non-kid friends have faded away because it's hard for them to stay friends, especially since our kids are so "clingy." Also, we aren't as cool as we once were.

We have a pretty active lesbian mom/gay dads group, but we don't hang out with them as much as when dd1 was a toddler because her wheat allergy is kinda hard for the group to accomodate. And most of their activities are a drive for us.

We hang out with other hsers of progressive stripes and with ap'ish parents. dd1 is really sensitive so pretty much, we have to hang out with gentle people.

The thing is, you mostly talk about the kids and kid stuff, so the gap doesn't seem as hard to fill as before kids.

You will run into lesbian who say stupid things about children and straight people who say stupid things about lesbians. Ya gotta hang with the lesbians who understand kids and the straight people who understand kids and enjoy lesbian company. They're out there.

[Diane B]

I'm guessing it probably depends on where you live. We live in a very progressive city, and I am relatively sure that we are never people's first experience of a lesbian family - not at our pediatrician's, our day care, in our neighborhood, our spiritual community, the neighborhood park, etc.

At this stage of my life, I have tons more in common with other parents of young children than I do with single lesbians with no kids. But we do have friends that love our daughter and are still part of our lives, especially now that she's past the baby stage.

[CynicalStar]

Most of our childless lesbian & gay friends are long gone, and the ones who remain are in contact less and less frequently. Friendship is based on having something in common - our entire lifestyle changed with the addition of a baby, so much of that commonality was lost (or we just can't afford to do those old activities AND also pay for a babysitter!). We have, however, met some wonderful straight parents.

We have located a local Family Pride chapter, but have yet to attend any of their monthly events. I do want our son to be around other families with a similar structure, but it's not a huge priority to me until he is old enough to understand the difference (he's almost 2).

[Finch]

*non-queer mama popping her head in...*

One of the ways I found mamas to hang with who had similar needs/interests as me was through the tribal areas here. Two of the moms who are now in the autism playgroup I started are from here, and another one of the moms was introduced to me by an MDC mom.

It sounds corny, but it really is an easy way to network with people in your area with similar interests. If it makes you feel any better, I live in one of those progressive type communities too, and I don't even blink when I see a child with same sex parents. It's the norm here as much as opposite sex parents or single parents.

Try posting in the tribal areas for where you live, see what you find. MDC was the backbone of my autism networking, truly.

[Juvysen]

Uhh... sorry... another straight mom here, but...

Most of my [straight] friends from pre-pregnancy no longer talk to me (or very infrequently) now that I have kids, and when we do, we hardly have anything in common even though we had so much in common before. That was a difficult adjustment in and of itself. But I think you find no matter who you are (and I could be going out on a limb here) that you will find other parents that you are ok with hanging out with and others that make your skin crawl... whether because of the way they talk to you or the way they talk to or about their or your kids. I know that's been true for me. I don't want to minimize your problem here, but part of it (at least) is a normal part of parenthood, I think.

I hope things go really well for you. Sorry if that was out of place or something.

[lexbeach]

Hmmm . . . for me the hard part of becoming a mom as a lesbian has been how often everyone assumes I'm straight. We live in a very queer-full area, there are lesbian mamas EVERYWHERE, and still people see me with the kids in tow and assume there is a husband somewhere behind the scenes. It is worse when we're out of our little "happy valley." I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does.

But in regards to our friends, I feel like the reaction of all of them--straight and gay--was pretty much the same. We were the first to have kids. Everyone disappeared. We started hanging out with new friends who we met through our baby group instead. Gradually, our really GOOD friends from before became a part of our lives again, and our best, best friends from before (who happen to be straightish) had a set of twins too and we are all like family now. I think this experience (of the childless friends disappearing for a bit) is pretty universal.

Of our new friends, some of them happened to be queer, but most were straight. We found that being queer and having babies wasn't actually enough to guarantee a good friendship. Most of the queer families we know don't practice AP, or the moms are much older than us, and it's really hard to connect even though we're all queer and we all have kids the same age. I find my best mama friends to be those who share similar parenting beliefs, and are close to my age.

After your bean arrives, you will be meeting other new parents EVERYWHERE. Go to LLL. Start a playgroup. You will not be lonely, I promise! And you will definitely start to care much, much less about the gay/straight divide, and much, much more about things like sleep patterns and nursing issues and which kind of diaper works best.



Lex

[gamitzer]

Yay, thanks everybody! I feel a lot better. I'm sure I'll look back at this once the baby is here and laugh about my concern.

[Lingmom]

I've never been in a lesbian bubble and I've never had trouble fitting in to the mainstream world. I think you get used to whatever circle of friends you travel in. You'll probably find that you'll have more in common with other people with kids than with single people (of any orientation) and I think that's pretty normal.

[wemoon]

You'll be fine... there are tons of cool straight people out there with kids and you'll find other lesbian moms out there too. I know of one other lesbian mom couple that my son has playdates with and I know a lot of straight parents that are fun to hang out with. I've become so comfortable with those people that sexuality isn't an issue at all. Mostly I just hang out by myself though I just have so much school work to do that I have no time for friends!

[pdxmomazon]

Originally Posted by lexbeach

Hmmm . . . for me the hard part of becoming a mom as a lesbian has been how often everyone assumes I'm straight. We live in a very queer-full area, there are lesbian mamas EVERYWHERE, and still people see me with the kids in tow and assume there is a husband somewhere behind the scenes. It is worse when we're out of our little "happy valley." I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does.

Lex

hee hee hee I had the same reaction. When we got married in '03 I started growing my hair out (had very long hair in h.s. and was having long hair dreams!) When our daughter was 4 months old I chopped it off again so that I was more easily identifiable as what I am- a dyke mom!

Anyhow- we are the odd ones out. Most of our straight friends, who incidentally don't have kids, dropped out of the picture and we spend lots of time with queer moms and their kids now. But I know that is the exception, not the norm....

But my advice is to not stress out about it! I think you'll be more suprised about how a child changes *everything* about your life, not just your friends, and that the straight/queer issue will fade as you find yourself living in the "have young kids" world! (we're the ones who eat in restaurants at 5pm!!!)

[NYCVeg]

Hey... I noticed you're in NoVA (I live in DC). I'm a bi mama, but married to a man, so usually taken for straight. But there are tons of queer mamas around here--I've met lesbian couples with kids at NINO groups, bfing discussing groups, you name it. Some good friends of ours, a gay couple, is planning to start a family in the next few years. Yes, the majority of parents I know are straight, but I think you'd be able to find lots of queer parents as well.

Or you could just hang out with me.

[Monkeygrrl]

i am a bi mom, with a married couple as partners...i have *never* looked anything other than straight...often it seems that we are a lesbian couple, because most of the time it is my female partner and i that are out and about...dad works mon-fri...

for playgroups and such, we look for people who are openminded with the same interests as us...homeschooling, children, teens...

not all the time have we found people that are ok with the fact that our family has a different dynamic than most...and we use that time to educate the people, and our children...we have been lucky in a sense that our homeschooling community has both groups of people, those that support and those that do not...and interestingly enough, education has been happening...

because we do not fit in the "lesbian" mold, then its been difficult to fit in with the glbt parent community...it just has been easier to find common ground with straight families that are supportive of our family...

peace...