Should I tell my mom?

[LittleBrownDog]

My first birth was an uneventful, unmedicated hospital birth, attended by CNM. This time around we'll be having a home birth with a CNM. When I started seeing this MW I planned to birth at the freestanding birth center, and my mom was OK with that (though I'm not sure she fully understood that it truly is freestanding and not one of those hospital "birth centers.") So, we've since decided to homebirth, with the same MW.

I'd like for my mom to be there, but she does daycare for my nephew- I am hoping something can work out, but she lives halfway across the country and would basically have to plan to come out for a month, since we obviously don't know exactly when this baby will come.

So, I really and truly have NO idea what my mom's reaction would be. She could be totally cool with it (she had unmedicated births in the 70s and is all for the natural approach) but she is just as likely to drive out here and forcibly bring me to the hospital, or call 911 mid-labor or something. I would like to have her on my side in this, and be able to talk to her about it, but I don't know. If she can come out, I'm thinking I could just not tell her until the MWs are on their way (though I'm not sure how I'd explain the kiddie pool in the kitchen in November... )

MIL is fully supportive and will be at the birth, but she had two CS and was not at DDs birth, so it would be all new territory for her. DH is wishy washy about the HB and honestly, if I have my friend/doula and MIL and my MW and assistant, I don't need much from DH. He really shines after the birth, he is an amazing father- Pregnancy and childbirth are just not his bag.

Soo.... Would you tell if you didn't know what the reaction would be? FWIW, I will definitely tell her afterwards- I plan to announce it in our holiday cards to everyone we know!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

If there is ANY chance your mom will make trouble, do not tell her. You need to be able to birth in total peace.

[cornpicker]

I also wasn't sure how my parents would react. My dad is an MD; my mom had 4 NCBs in hospitals. They are very, very protective. And--- when they started asking questions, I just decided to be honest. They were great! My mom was more enthused. If they have any reservations, they are keeping them to themselves.

Good luck.

[klg47]

Our parents know about our plans, but they are definitely NOT invited My mom would be scared and fearful and bring negative energy into the birthing. We're moving, so she'll be 1500 miles away anyway. And like you said, since the normal window of birth is at least 5 weeks long, we can't predict when she should come. Both of my other pregnancies went exactly 1 week over the typical calculation method of dating, so I am guessing I'd be late again, but you never know!

I've only ever seen my MIL twice in 6 years, so it's not like she'd pack up to come to the birth, lol.

[prancie]

If it is important for you that she be there, then you need to tell her up front. Don't surprise her when you go into labor. Tell her that she should not come if she is not comfortable with the plans. If she is very nervous, ask her not to come.

The one thing you did not mention was whether or not your mom expected to come. It sounds like a huge inconvenience to her life (not to mention you and your husband's life) to possibly spend a month with you waiting for labor. You may want to clear that issue up first.

[sarahtdubb]

I have very protective parents, and when I told them about our decision to do a homebirth, I was very conscious of doing two things:

-I connected them with a lot of resources and gave them a lot of facts. The fact that homebirth is not just some hippy choice--but a smart, informed choice, is important! Homebirths have been shown to be just as safe for healthy women, and have a much much MUCH lower rate of C Section! Because my dad is lawyer, I knew I needed to provide him with a lot of facts! So I gave them links to studies, and gave them a recommended reading list about homebirth/natural birth.

-I thanked them IN ADVANCE for accepting and supporting my decision. Because remember, it's your decision, not theirs. I said "Thanks so much for your support of my choices, I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

Make it clear to your Mom that you want to have her there, but that she needs to respect your choices and not take over. It's been hard for my mom to let go of me as her little girl, but in the end she wants me to be happy, and is respecting my decision. My guess is that your mom will, too!

[jessitron]

Leigh, you look familiar - were you in our January 05 ddc?

If your mom is going to be there, then you need to tell her before she makes plans to come out there. If she's not comfortable with it, you don't want her to come. You also don't want her to start stressing out at the beginning of your labor - that's not the time to start going over all the facts of how safe home birth is etc etc etc. I can see that causing a panic.
If she is not going to be there, then it might be better to wait until afterward, if she is so unpredictable in her reactions.

[GinaRae]

My mother (a nurse) is completely against the homebirth. While she wouldn't call 911 or scream at me, she's definitely leaving me with a negative feeling.

She's planning to be here all through November and some of December. She'll be flying 3,000 miles to be here and I can use her help cleaning and taking care of the boys.

She will be happy to "get lost" to my friend's house during the labor and delivery and that's great. i don't want her here. I do want the boys to stay if they want and I can see her and I having a struggle over that. But I am hoping since she's coming a month before I am due, I can talk her into better behavior.

I wish she weren't so negative about it all, because that will be a cloud over the day and if anything goes wrong and I transfer, she will "be right" and that's hard when it's your mom and she's against HB, you know?

[Shell_Ell]

I think it depends on your relationship with your mom.

For me, I wouldn't be able to keep that from her. I talked to her about homebirth before I even got pregnant this time. She knew how awful my first experience was for me, and the more I explained *why* it was awful, the more she understood my reasoning for wanting to not only to birth at home, but to go with the midwife I went with.

I see you are due in November. Is this something you can easily not have brought up that long? Or do you and your mom discuss things like birth and prenatal care? To me that's what would matter. Not the issue of whether it's at home or not, but if it's even relevant enough in your relationship that she knows beforehand.

[KarenMT]

If you think your mom would cause more worry than support I would avoid telling her. Especially, if she might come and stay for an entire month with you. That might cause a lot of anxiety. My mom is all for natural birth and is an advocate of my having a home birth. Still, I don't know if I will have her at the birth. She is a bit of a worry-wart and I only want super positive energy there. My mom may come and take care of DD but depending on the time of day I'll probably have her take DD to her house.

[alegna]

Personally I would tell her but then only invite her if she was honestly supportive.

I would not invite her without her knowing.

-Angela

[DoomaYula]

If there's ANY chance someone will call 911, don't tell them, is my motto.

You could feel her out by mentioning someone else's homebirth, and see what she says.

Ex: "There's this woman on mdc called YumaDoula and she's just dying for a homebirth, she's in the boondocks and there's no hb mw's around and apparently the hospital nearby has a 60% c-s rate..."

[~Megan~]

From many people I've heard that having parents, especially those not 110% supportive, at the birth is a bad idea.

I actually have had a friend who's mom flipped out at her birth and called 911. Eek!

[alegna]

Originally Posted by ~Megan~

From many people I've heard that having parents, especially those not 110% supportive, at the birth is a bad idea.

I actually have had a friend who's mom flipped out at her birth and called 911. Eek!

Yeah. I would absolutely not have her if she's not on board. And if you tell her and she flips, I wouldn't call her in labor either. Wait until you have a nice healthy baby snuggled up.

But I had both my parents and my MIL at dd's birth and it went well.

-Angela

[dannic]

I had no prob telling my parents, but we debated telling my MIL for the first 6 months. She is major high anxiety. We did end up telling her, as we felt she would be hurt finding out after (and as we are close, we would have to lie). But no way is she going to be here! ANd we only told those who we felt would be supportive (except her). I swore her to secrecy, tho because I didn't want nearby SIL to know til afterwards...she would be contentious, if you kwim.
Oh, I did the whole, "I wanted you to know because I know you'll be supportive of our decision...."thang, too.

[jbobys]

thats a tough question...im dealing with the ame thing, but im due at the end of june : i couldnt keep it from my mom and i told her about the home birth. she almost started crying and refuses to talk about it. she has basically told me that she has put herself in denial, and thats where she needs to be, so thats fine, im just not able to talk to her about labor/birth etc...which is sucky, but shes pretty negative anyhow, so whatever. im pretty sure we're holding off telling my mil until after hes here LOL shes asked my dh if im having the baby in the birth center or the hospital this, he just said shes having it with the midwife LMAO they live in FL, so they wont be here anyhow. as far as my dad and step mom, i think i could tell them, theyd be the most open minded, but its never come up..dads not the chatty type, so theyll probably find out during or afterwards, too.

if it were up to my dh, his family and my family, id be strapped to a hospital bed, drugged with the entire pediatric and labor delivery staff on hand... thankfully, my husband is accepting and going with the flow...even if hes worried...

do what ya gotta do, but just dont anyone whos scared or negative in the house!

[dinah]

I would tell her asap especially if you think you might want to invite her.

I told my parents a couple of months ago. I think they had some reservations but I've been gradually giving them stuff to read since then. My theory is that they don't know anything about homebirth and it's normal for them to be protective of their daughter but I hope that the facts will win them over. I plan to ask them in a month or so what they think of my plan. I didn't ask right when I told them because I didn't want to hear any negativity and I figured they'd need time to get used to the idea. If they're positive when I ask - then I'll invite them to be there. If not, oh well.

[ericswifey27]

If you really want her there, I guess go ahead and tell her and see what her reaction is. It's hard for me to say because my mother is actually the last person I would invite to my birth, but if you have a close relationship and feel like you would be missing out not having her there, well, give it a try.

But if it's not a supportive reaction, most definitely DON'T invite her and more importantly DON'T tell her when you go in to labor. Who needs that kind of extra stress?

My mom already knew about my hb plans before I was even pregnant. She is very anti homebirth, I have managed to block out her negativity completely and I also added a week on to my due date so I don't have to worry about her showing up my door or calling 911

[knumom]

I would only invite those that you feel understand what it is that you want at your Hbirth. I invited my mom (she's a RN) to our DS's attempted HB and if I had to do it over again it would have just been our birthing team, my DH and my one close friend. They were the one's that truly knew what kind of birth we wanted. My mom was very anxious through the whole labor and just couldn't handle that I was in so much pain. She was in hospital mode the entire time. I did my best to ignore it but I could only imagine how much easier it would have been to not deal with it! I guess what I am saying is, if you don't know how your mom is going to be it might just be better to have her around after the baby is born!

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

You could feel her out by mentioning someone else's homebirth, and see what she says.

Ex: "There's this woman on mdc called YumaDoula and she's just dying for a homebirth, she's in the boondocks and there's no hb mw's around and apparently the hospital nearby has a 60% c-s rate..."

Oooh I like this idea. So simple

I now wish I hadn't told my mother until she comes to visit and I go into labor. I'd seen a CNM before, so talking about mws wouldn't have worried her.

My MIL won't be invited and won't be told until afterwards.

You know, I was just thinking. I think my mom would be more on board if my brother hadn't just gotten married and is due in June. They're very mainstream, and mom sees them weekly, so it's easy for her to jump on their bandwagon.