Nice way to educate MIL-Sorry, long

[egfmba]

My MIL watches my boys while I'm in school. Finals are approaching, and that's all good, but then I'll go to bar exam classes, and she may have to watch them then. No problem, except I'm already struggling to exclusively breastfeed. I'm on herbs & dom & pumping when I can.

We've been supplementing since week 2 (now 6 wks old) and I think I'm about a nanometer from exclusively breastfeeding (as soon as I pump enough to build up a modest stash). What's the problem? Well, I left two 3 ounce bottles w/ MIL yesterday for DS2. I was gone 5 hours. I nursed before I left at 1 p.m. I came home at 6:15 to find that she had given a 3 ounce bottle of BM at 2, another at 3:30, and a 3 ounce bottle of formula at 4:50. (I've been tracking to see my progress.) BTW, I brought home a 3 ounce pumped bottle and full breasts when I got home. No bottles since then and we're doing okay.

9 ounces in 5 hours time is a bit excessive (I think) to give a 6 week old. I'm frustrated to think that if I leave more than just enough BM for the time I'll be gone during bar exam classes, she'll run through my stash so fast I'll be right back to using formula while I'm gone!

How do I handle this? How do I tell MIL that just because he fusses doesn't mean you have to shove a bottle in his mouth. He's usually fussing because he's tired! He's just eating to get the nursing effect; he's not really starving to death! Like most newbies, he knows that nursing=booby=comfort.

I think part of it is that MIL didn't BF and may be scared of it. I need some way to teach her how to care for a breastfed child without sounding/being condescending. After all, "she's raised 4 of her own" and brings her nurse cousin with her to watch the kids, so she must be doing something right. Even though DS2 fusses at the bottle (because he's not really hungry) she'll keep on until he eats it (from what she says). :

HELP!!!
eva

P.S. DS2 already has a bit of nipple confusion going on (can't eliminate bottles; I'll have to be gone 4 hours every day). We use Breastflow now (Avent at first but just switched). I've explained that my supply will suffer if she keeps trying to pour formula down his throat. Immediately thereafter she gave him 9 ounces in 5 hours. : :

[Amris]

Can you ask her to stop buying formula, and give her as much as you want the babe to have, and no more?

[egfmba]

I've been the one buying the formula because I had to. I can throw it all out and build up a stash of BM, but I'm worried she'll run through it all in couple of days.

There's nowhere to 'hide' the BM. Because of the supply problems, I want to have a 2-3 day stash ready on any given day (in case I hit a dip in supply).

What do I do?

eva

[JessBB]

How funny (although not really) this exact same thing has been happening with me and my parents! I was visiting them last week and the few times I left them alone w/ds they WAY overfed him, I mean 8 oz over 2 hours just for instance. Any fuss at all and the bottle went in the mouth. Today my dad gave him two 4 oz bottles back to back b/c "the kid was still wailing." I could have killed him! I would just give MIL a certain amt of BM, toss the formula, and FORCE her to come up w/ other ways to soothe your baby. If we don't nip these bad grandparents in the bud we'll be in serious trouble, right? Gah, parents and IL's can just be beyond exasperating.

Hi! Re-read your original post. I am a lawyer and wanted to wish you luck w/exams and the bar! If I were you I'd try and take the evening bar prep class so DH could watch the kids or try and find a HS student to babysit. You will need to focus in the class and worrying all the time about MIL sabotaging bf'ing and glutting your baby could make that very difficult. You will need extra support and I mean REAL SUPPORT, not someone who means well but just ends up adding to your stress level!

[rachelsmama]

Nothing helpful to add, but your post just reminded me of my dh's grandmother telling about the time she left the baby with the men in the family for a few days and came back to find him fat. She figured they had to have the bottle in his mouth non-stop to get him to gain that much weight that fast.

Good luck with the exams!

[AmyJayne19]

wow, i'm surprised she fed him that often. my mil seems to think my 12 week old should only be eating every 4 hours

[Amris]

So I take it that you live together, and the frozen BM is in your shared freezer?

Just making sure that I understand correctly.

Are you not able to pump very often? If you can pump more often, you can increase your supply.

I hate to say it, but there really seems to be something with the older generation and food. My MIL wants everyone to eat all the time. Especially babies! Heck, if she had her way, she'd be giving my DD chocolate right now (she's barely 6 mo old!).

You're better off letting her give extra breastmilk instead of extra formula, if you can get yourself to pump more often and increase your supply.

[BakerALM]

Set up a bowl with the bottled milk in it in the fridge, in say 2oz quantities. If you only want your babe to have say 6oz MAX then only leave 3 bottles. If you don't have enough to leave then leave bottles with 2oz worth of dry formula along with the rest in the fridge with a note on it that says to add water if needed. Then she never has to decide how much to make or ever touch the formula can explicitly. It takes the decision out of her hands and by putting it all in a bowl she knows how much she has to work with on any given day. She will have to use the bottles and other techniques to sooth your babe. It will take time but if she has unlimited milk available she will always choose the easy way out by feeding.

[Juvysen]

Umm... I know a lot of people don't like this but, you could suggest she give the baby a pacifier when she's fussing but just had a bottle. Maybe tell her no more than 1 bottle per 2 hours or something? The pacifier might help your baby get the sucking she wants w/out running through your supply so fast.

[egfmba]

Thanks to all for the replies so far. I'm open to even more ideas!

No, MIL doesn't live here. DH is in Iraq and she comes to the house to care for my kids so DS2 isn't exposed to her numerous family members visiting (no one comes to my house ).

I put the formula up the other day and left the 2 bottles of BM ready for her, but she found it and made another bottle.

I'm trying to find time to pump, but w/ DH gone, there's no one here to take care of everything else and time is non-existent. I have a hospital grade pump on grant from a lactation consultant, but finding time to use it is my biggest problem. Even 10 minutes worth would be great, but it's hard. I'm still trying, though!

MIL is already a high-stress person for me, but although both our families are here, finding someone who can really help is extremely difficult. I'm trying to make the best of a less-than-ideal situation is all.

DS2 doesn't want a pacifier. We keep trying, because he has a strong need to suck and I know I have to go to class (I don't mind being the pacifier when I'm with him). I've told her to walk him around, use his swing, let him lie on the floor and look out the skylights...she goes right for the bottle, it seems!

I'm going to try being more explicit with her. I'll also try hiding the formula better (still not exclusive, but soooooooo close).

Thanks again for all the great advice, sympathy, and kindness. Your time is appreciated, ladies!

eva

[AwakenedMama]

i feel for you! it is so hard to let others care for our babies, especially when they don't share our philosophies! And the problem with overfeeding from a bottle is so common...

I have 2 suggestions:
1. Appreciate your MIL. Try to see the positive things in your relationship and focus on those. It is good that you child has someone who loves him so much to take care of him. Make sure she knows you are glad she is there.
2. Try explaining to her that babies overeat easily from a bottle. Tell her why it's better to control his intake when you're not there and assure her that he will get all the nutrition he needs from you when you are home and breastfeeding. I would suggest she feed DC like my DH feeds our baby - he uses a breastflow bottle, too, ensures it is placed into her mouth similarly to how she latches, and then feeds her SLOWLY. Only 1-2 oz at a time, then he gently twists the bottle out of her mouth and burps her. Then he changes sides and gives her more if she wants it. With this method, she's never taken more than 4 oz. She ate a lot more the first week or two I went back to work than she does now. I think she learned that it was worth it to wait for me

I think kellymom may have bottlefeeding instructions similar to this on its web page.

[Dov'sMom]

Hey, I started reading your post and thinking you were me...except my baby is almost 6 months old instead of six weeks. I'm also in my last semester of law school, and my MIL is watching my baby. When my baby was the age yours is (last semester), I took him to class with me in a sling, and no one minded. Have you explored that option with your professors?

To the point: I can't tell from your post if this has been a long term issue or this is the first time it happened. Six weeks is growth spurt time, and I know my son's intake fluctuated dramatically the first 12 weeks (or at least from week 8, when I started leaving him at home, until about week 12). Most of the time, 4-5 ounces would be enough for him for when I was gone, from about 8 am until about 1:30. DH was watching him the first week and a half and all of a sudden one day he downed 14 ounces in that time. The next day 11, and then back to normal. So it could be your baby really was hungry...

Also, with bar exam classes, what company are you going with? I know BarBri, most locations, is by videotape, without an actual instructor. So if you were comfortable running out of the room when the baby was crying so as not ot bother your classmates, there's no prof to insult. And I sort of regret leaving DS home from the start of the semester -- by now there's no way he could sit in a classroom, but until 3 months or so it could have worked, and I missed having him there.

Just food for thought.

[egfmba]

I've only got 3 finals left in law school. As for the bar prep, yeah, it's w/ Barbri, but I'll be doing the morning classes w/ the profs, and I don't feel comfortable trying to split attention between the class and the baby. If I'm w/ baby, he needs all my attention, and he'll get it. So, it's better that he gets all MIL's attention than I fail the bar. It's just the way I am. I know a classmate who was able to take hers to class w/ her when he was a newborn about a year ago now. I just can't.

I just didn't think DS2 could fit that much in his belly, but it's possible he could have just been super hungry. He hit his growth spurt last week. Boy was that rough!

After the last day of class, I didn't use a bottle for more than a day. Then the stress of prepping for finals set in and my supply is struggling. It's going to be a hard week for me coming up, but I've nursed all day long (mostly because the stress affects my supply and DS2 wants BM - of course!).

eva

[angelachristine]

I had the opposite problem when DD was young. Any peep out of DD, and MIL and FIL both tried to shove a pacifier in her mouth. Even if she was fussing because she didn't want it, they kept trying to shove it in.

We did a lot of family stuff on the weekends, so if we were with MIL and FIL I would sometimes try to take a nap. MIL would watch DD and would tell me how she "held her off as long as she could." Umm... if my baby is hungry, I want to feed her. Just wake me up. I don't want you shoving a pacifier in her mouth to "hold her off." Ugg.

If your DH wasn't in Iraq, I would have suggested that he talk to his mom. I don't know what else you can tell her since she didn't seem to try any of your suggestions in the first place.

[celtic_mommy0307]

Pardon any typos, NAK

Angela - My mom does that too...the "holding off". It is annoying even though she thinks it is helpful.

To the OP - My MIL did exactly the same thing when she watched DS. I let it go and tried to keep the peace, but my supply was majorly affected by that and I ended up supplementing for the year. Please don't let this happen to you. Talk to you MIL and maybe give her a routine of sorts...like bottle at a certain time..and instructions on what YOU want her to try to do if he gets fussy.

I feel for you.

[Dov'sMom]

Where are you located? Quick fix, I know, but I have some extra BM in the freezer you can have if you'd like -- maybe 75-100 ounces. We'll be moving soon, so I'll have to find it a home anyway...

[egfmba]

Dov'sMom,you're so sweet, but I'm in south Texas. The shipping alone would probably kill ya!

I am just so sure it's the stress that's suppressing my milk. I keep telling myself if I can just make it to DH getting home, my milk supply will feed a village. I just hope it won't be too late by then (DS2 will be 2 months).

I'm feeding several times a day and taking all the usual herbs, so I hope this is just a temporary problem with no permanent damage.

eva

[turtlewomyn]

http://www.kellymom.com/store/freeha...le_feeding.pdf

This is a handout from kellymom on how to bottle feed a breastfed baby. I wish I had printed it out to give to daycare, as I know that in our previous daycare in the infant room there was one person who kept telling me to bring more milk, or supplement with formula, and I saw her rattling a bottle around in a bf'd babies mouth (to get them to finish it when they weren't hungry, a formula feeding technique).
I also think that in this particular case a paci (only while you are gone, and find one similar in shape to your nipple) would be a help in keeping her from overfeeding the babies while you are gone. And yes, 9 oz in five hours is excessive (when DD was 12 weeks and I went back to work she was not taking more than 12 oz in a ten hour period, 16 during growth spurts).

I know it is tough to stick up to your MIL, but hopefully if you do it in a gentle way she will respond.

Good luck.