Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds
I completely agree with everything you're saying here (and appreciate the thoughtfulness in the rest of your post
) but I'm still perplexed. Because (I'm assuming) you wouldn't bring up these issues if you didn't consider them to be
issues. That is: do you really feel you haven't
been allowed to share your perspective? That people really are saying that if you've done everything "right" you're guaranteed a desired outcome? That "failed" UC stories are not welcome here? That the general concensus is that to discuss possible negatives to UC is to not be supportive of UC?
Actually, my comments here are in direct response to comments made on this thread that UCers aren't free to say what they want in support of UC or be honest/critical of others' choices without being accused of being unsupportive. I have never
brought up any of these issues, anywhere in this community (although now I've responded to it). All I'm saying is that I want the freedom to be able to do the same - support a mama who had a bad UC transfer or who is thinking about doing something different the next time and help her work through her feelings about UC. Also share my perspective with a new mama considering UC. That is not inherently unsupportive of UC either; it is providing additional information, thought and perspective to someone who is presumably seeking knowledge. And when the whole issue got started on the other thread, I was commenting in response to your
question about something she said WRT this issue.
If this was an "issue" for me that I really felt badly about, or felt that the situation was wrong, unfair, inappropriate, or offensive, I would have either left the community permanently (left temporarily when I knew the potential reactions could be hurtful to me) or started a discussion on it, or PMed someone I thought was a major offender. As it was, though, I dealt with it by keeping myself away when needed, to protect myself, and returned when I was ready to talk and take a little (not a lot!) of innuendo, questioning, and even criticism.
In fact, when I do see the kind of thing we've been talking about, I don't respond to it. I feel its presence but I don't think it's worthy of deep concern on my part. However, when it was brought up by someone else (the other OP, then you asked about it), I do feel that I have something to say about it that might be worth hearing, as long as we're talking about it anyway.
|I understand this totally, and you're right, the possibility of someone commenting negatively *does* make it difficult to share freely. But unfortunately, this just isn't something we can control. We can't make this a totally safe space; things that hurt or offend or are unsupportive *are* occasionally going to get written. It's just the unpleasant reality of a public forum. But in general, like you alluded to, people here attempt as much as possible to be gentle and understanding. This is a much safer place than anywhere else I can think of on the internet.
I have no problem with this. Hopefully that's clear. The part that you quoted (that you're responding to here) was an observation, not a request. I tailored my behavior to suit my needs, rather than expecting a change from this community which could be detrimental to everyone and extremely difficult, if not impossible, to implement. But that does not mean that the issue does not exist, merely that it did not seem helpful to me to discuss it. I believe gentle honesty is superior to trying to please everyone, although I will say I would never critique a birthstory in any way unless a woman asked for opinions. If I was troubled by her choices, I would simply not respond (or only respond with balloons
And finally, I think that in some of what I've written, my use of generalizations has been unhelpful. Someone pointed out that even here we can't agree on exactly what UC is. I don't think there's an US and a THEM - not at all. Which, I think, is why I keep stressing how fond I am of this community.
: Instead, I'm just sort of trying to give a snapshot of what's in my head - my own perception of an - overwhelming majority, maybe? Unintentional, but powerful and overriding sense of agreement with respect to this particular subject? It's not that Team A always agrees with everything on List A and Team B always disagrees and has their own list. Instead, that on this issue, I *perceived*, while preparing for my first UC, the general impression I have explained elsewhere. How much of that was because I wanted to see it is uncertain, and although that certainly played a role, I am completely sure that it was not purely my own desire to believe it that made it appear so pervasive.
I wish I could explain it better. Some of what I'm saying makes it sound like I'm critical of this forum, and I'm really not. I'm not upset or troubled by it. It is really more about observation and the reservation of the right to present my own experience as a part of the UC quilt, so to speak.
Sorry, I really feel like I've got cotton in my mouth or something. Anyway, I hope that helps.