If you could form a birth trauma support group....

[pamamidwife]

what would it look like?

what would be the topics of discussion?

any sort of "rules" or other boundaries to follow?

how often would you meet?

what would be the goal of the group?



There are quite a few women in my area that call me to process births, etc. - even though I've never met them. One of these women is wanting to start a birth trauma support group...I have my ideas about what I would like (as someone who had her own birth trauma), but I would rather hear from some other mamas!

[indigolilybear]

Just some ideas that poppeed into my head...

*have a talking stick of some sort to make sure no one interrupts when someone is talking.
* confidentiality rules of some sort
*possible goal of group=feel at peace w/the birth. I still am not sure I am at peace w/birth no. one. Maybe help woman find appropriate ways to vent or deal. Like I always think about confronting/writing a letter to my MW's but don't....
*Maybe a set up like LLL? Have a general topic or question that everyone answers, and then go from there? Not sure how this would work....actually maybe it would be better to develop a structure and then have people commit to the process for the duration...that way you wouldn't spend hours on birth stories/intro's each time. Also it would increase intimacy and make true healing easier. Hmmmm..a lot to think about.

Personally a goal I think would be optimal would to be for each woman to take complete responsibilty for her part in the birth, KWIM? I still feel like I place a lot of blame on my MW"s when I was the one who didn't stand up for what I wanted, etc. Now, what I did was understandable, but I constantly have to monitor myself, as I still want to make them evil....it's too easy.

Wow. I think it's great you want to do this and I hope my rambling helped a little. I think it's a great idea and something I actually want to get involved in at some point. much luck!! Let us know how it goes.

[Tanibani]

I've been thinking about this.... but I wouldn't call it a "birth trauma support group." I do think that MOST women have a NEED to talk about (process) their births. Wouldn't it be nice to have a group to go to to talk about it (good or bad birth?)

But that doesn't exist for the majority. Very sad.

So if this lady (or you) want to set something up, go for it.

Next time I'm pregnant, I'm going to set up a Pg club... to meet and hang out with other PG women on a regular basis. I pray that they won't all be mainstream, but most will be I'm sure. Either way, pg women and new mothers need to connect more.

For my pg club... I'm thinking casual tea get together at my house every week (probably not) probably every 2 weeks. That way we could all bond, connect, brainstorm, support each other.

I know I didn't answer your questions... I just wanted to add my .02 cents.

[MaWhit]

You could find some good activity ideas from Birthing From Within.

[valkyrina]

Reviving this thread because I am working with a local LC to start a group like this. I think, though, that we will call it just a Birth Story Group. But we had an extremely traumatic birth (and several months after), and I think this could be a really powerful healing experience. So here's what I have in mind so far:

-some sort of a talking stick to make sure that no one is interrupted while telling their story.
-I was thinking that maybe we could sign up ahead to tell stories, that we we could be prepared ahead of time and make sure everyone has time. I feel like this could either be a really good thing or a really bad thing. I would love your thoughts on this.
-We are going to try to leave the babies at home, when possible. (but if it means you can't come, then obviously bring the babe(s))
-confidentiality rules. definitely.


So how else can we structure it so that women (and most of us know each other already) feel safe talking about something personal and potentially really painful? How can we make sure that everyone feels heard and listened to? how can we work towards a goal of feeling at peace with our births?

I looked at birthing from within, but didn't find much help on their site, and they are on the other side of the country, so I can't attend a class. But I liked the course description about healing from birth trauma. Should I call them?

Would love your ideas. Thanks!
-Liz

[La Rune]

I just wanted to express a thought about a goal being to accept part of the blame.

Part of my problem is that I dwell on it. Obviously everyone does, but in my intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, I relive it from the perspective of what I should have done. I hear myself saying what I said (or not saying what I didn't say) and I beat myself up. I should have been stronger. More assertive. Planned better. Basically, if I were perfect, I would have had a perfect birth. I think a lot of women might have the same problem ... we take on so much personal responsibility and many of us are perfectionists to boot.

Basically what I'm saying is, I would need validation in placing blame on my MW, the hospital, and others. I blame myself more than enough. I have accepted my responsibility. If the group's insistence was that all of us accept responsiblity, I'd probably feel worse, and not go back.

ANYWAY, I guess my ideal meeting would be one person sharing a story and everyone else offering whatever kind of support we thought we needed. Maybe those meetings could alternate with the type where everyone takes turns responding to the same question or idea. And definitely food. Maybe a few minutes built in at the end just for chatting and making friends.

About leaving the babies at home ... I think that's a good idea, but you know how those things go. Some have to bring them and then a few others are upset because *they* left *theirs* home and then there's divisiveness ... or then everyone starts bringing them because other people do and there was really no point in trying to get anyone to leave them home, if that happens. I don't know what I would say instead as a "policy" but that's what I envision happening.

[tree-hugger]

Originally Posted by La Rune

I just wanted to express a thought about a goal being to accept part of the blame.

Part of my problem is that I dwell on it. Obviously everyone does, but in my intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, I relive it from the perspective of what I should have done. I hear myself saying what I said (or not saying what I didn't say) and I beat myself up. I should have been stronger. More assertive. Planned better. Basically, if I were perfect, I would have had a perfect birth. I think a lot of women might have the same problem ... we take on so much personal responsibility and many of us are perfectionists to boot.

Basically what I'm saying is, I would need validation in placing blame on my MW, the hospital, and others. I blame myself more than enough. I have accepted my responsibility. If the group's insistence was that all of us accept responsiblity, I'd probably feel worse, and not go back.

ANYWAY, I guess my ideal meeting would be one person sharing a story and everyone else offering whatever kind of support we thought we needed. Maybe those meetings could alternate with the type where everyone takes turns responding to the same question or idea. And definitely food. Maybe a few minutes built in at the end just for chatting and making friends.

About leaving the babies at home ... I think that's a good idea, but you know how those things go. Some have to bring them and then a few others are upset because *they* left *theirs* home and then there's divisiveness ... or then everyone starts bringing them because other people do and there was really no point in trying to get anyone to leave them home, if that happens. I don't know what I would say instead as a "policy" but that's what I envision happening.

ITA

and I would not go if bringing my baby was discouraged

[valkyrina]

Thanks for the responses!

La Rune: I totally agree about blaming yourself. I still feel like if I had just done something different, if I had known more, etc, that I would not have allowed my doctors to bully and frighten me into having a premature, traumatic birth. Even though I know that if I had waited, I might not have two living babes now. I don't think that I would like the goal to be accepting blame or responsibility for what happened. I think instead that I would like to focus on finding peace with what happened. Whether that's forgiveness (of ourselves or others), or just acceptance, or (hopefully) finding some kind of joy, even in what was a hard experience, I would like to focus on that.

I am feeling ambivalent about having people bring babies. I think the younger ones would be fine, but I am envisioning myself crying and telling our long, sad story, and also trying to chase two toddlers around. It would be mayhem. But on the other hand, I would want to hug them and cuddle them when I was talking about it. So I think the best thing would probably be to just have it be optional. And then that circumvents the whole problem. Right?

So thanks again! I would still love ideas on how to help moms feel safe talking to the circle. I like the idea of alternating meeting styles (story vs. general question). Any general questions or discussion topics you think would be helpful?

What would help you feel safe talking to the group? I think for me, it would be just not being judged. I think it would feel wonderful to tell my whole story and just have someone say, "wow. that sounds awful." instead of "yeah, but you have two healthy babies now, and that's all that matters."

[La Rune]

Absolutely! I'd feel safer sharing if there were no judgment.

I have 2 thoughts about feeling safe.

First, maybe there could be a "group statement" or something similar that's read aloud at the beginning of every meeting. Something explaining the purpose of the group and promising not to judge. Even if it was really short like "In our birth trauma support group, we support all women who feel they have suffered a birth trauma. We listen to their stories and show respect for their feelings. Whatever you would like to share with us today is safe here." And then start the meeting.

Second, it would really turn people off if they tell their story and people assume things based on their tone. I know we can't help that though ... we're always assuming things! So I think at the end of the story maybe the "group leader" could ask the woman to elaborate a bit on a couple of things. Like "So to clarify, are you angry at anyone for playing the role they did in your birth? Would you like us to share parts of our own stories that seem relevant?" Etc. That way if someone is blaming herself, she won't get lots of responses about how she needs to accept responsibility for x or y. If she's tired of people comparing their births to hers she won't get that either, or if she DOES want to hear about similarities, she can get that and not feel so alone. Things like that are really hard to gauge and I think being sure of the types of responses they'll get would make women more likely to share.