Welcome ALL June 2006 Mamas-- May Chat - Page 4

[papayapetunia]

Hmmm...post-partum is a weird thing. I think it is just wearing off for me. Emotionally, I have really hard pregnancies and post-partum periods. I have exhaustion, depression, sometimes insanity...but I usually chalk it up to a personality flaw. Like I'm not good enough. But maybe there's something else going on. When I look back at certain periods, I was not myself.

Sorry to hit you all with that. I'm usually so chipper.

[KnittingKara]

post-partum

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

Hmmm...post-partum is a weird thing. I think it is just wearing off for me. Emotionally, I have really hard pregnancies and post-partum periods. I have exhaustion, depression, sometimes insanity...but I usually chalk it up to a personality flaw. Like I'm not good enough. But maybe there's something else going on. When I look back at certain periods, I was not myself.

Sorry to hit you all with that. I'm usually so chipper.

No, THANK YOU for sharing It helps me to know that I'm not the only one feeling like that ...

It is so weird - my husband and my kids and I are doing so well and Chris and I are probably stronger as a couple then we've ever been and I'm really proud of all the changes we've been making in our lives for the better (Compacting, more frugal choices, working on our eating habits, etc)

... but how I've been feeling about myself, it is just awful. Like I'm this big, fat, blob, who has those days like "why even get out of my pj's" and that is SO not me. Someone can be talking about something totally un-related to me that is upsetting them and somehow I'll be thinking, "Oh, that is MY fault" or taking things way too personally ... I was reading the article about post-partum in the current Mothering and I just burst into tears. Uh, yeah, that could be a sign, you know?

I joke about it, but I'm just kind of an emotional mess and can't seem to find much about myself that I like these days ... and that's a weird contrast to how happy the rest of my life is. Like my life is perfect, except for the "me" part ... which makes totally no sense at all! :

I feel like, honestly, I'm starting to come out on the other side of it and I'm working on reminding myself all the cool things about me every day because deep down I know I am a good mother and good person and not as ugly as I feel like in my head ... but what scares me is that I didn't realize just how bad things have been with me and my self-esteem until I read that article. I shared it with my husband and he seemed shocked that I didn't know because evidently all I do these days is bad mouth myself (and of course then I immediatly felt guilty for burdening him with that all these months ... sheesh! what a mess!)

I mean, at 10 months post- partum is it normal to still be feeling like this? :

and, how's that for unloading in the ddc?

[The4OfUs]

Ladies, unload all you want I hope you (and anyone else feeling badly) start to come out of the fog and feel better about yourselves...y'all are obviously wonderful mamas because you CARE. That alone puts you miles ahead of some. I won't get into a huge rah rah post about it because I know you know it; I'll just give a gentle nudge saying, "you know you're great", and send you good thoughts and vibes for really recognizing it yourselves!

[fireant]

Wow I thought it was just me!

I've been feeling really low and I gained a bunch of weight AFTER I had the baby (I only gained 13 pounds while I was pregnant). I can't get all these images out of my head about how I've failed my family.

I thought it was all a weight or school related stress but maybe there is something more to it????



In other news...Dh and I are still really sick but DD is feeling great. Her pink eye, ear infection, and cold are really clearing up. I don't know if I posted it here but we had to cancel her 1st birthday party because she was so sick...and then we got really sick.

Dh wants me to stop going to play groups too

But somehow he still thinks we're going to be well enough to go to his parents' house 4 hours away tonight for the weekend. I'm not sure if I can handle that.


OH, and I passed all my classes! My jerky photo teacher gave me a 3.0...not great but not bad either...just regular.

2 more classes until I'm done!!!!

[Selesai]

I'm glad to see you again, Kara.

Only recently have I started to feel like myself, and have my marriage and family life improved. For a while after P was born, it was difficult and hazy and I felt unsupported (I felt unsupported during the birth, too). I wonder if this growing sense of comfort has to do with Philip's increasing independence.
At the same time, I haven't felt so badly about myself, probably because I've been on Zoloft. But, I also feel bad for taking it! So there isn't any happy medium for me.
Fireant (I guess I shouldn't use your first name?) I hear you on the negative body image. For a while I was fine, but now that DH is losing weight I feel like a porker! I didn't gain weight after the pregnancy but I have this belly. It's all me feeling bad-- DH reportedly doesn't care.

Ashley, I forgot to thank you for your tandeming info.

I think for Philip's birthday we're just going to go swimming (?) and then have cake at our place. I think the 2nd birthday will be more kid-oriented.
He's been doing well lately. Yesterday DH suggested we feed him a little more food. I don't think he believes I'm going to nurse P until 2. Well, I haven't actually told him that I think 2 is the minimum.... It's funny because when we were talking about P's solids, DH said "He's almost one." I thought, gee, he's still a baby to me! I wonder how long it feels like that. To hear my mom tell-- forever!

I hope Lu's hand is feeling better (that's so sad) and that everyone is well. Katie-- evie's already walking so well! Leigh Ann, how's the SAHD/WOHM thing going? It was quite an adjustment for us, and sometimes still is a little strange, but has gotten better with time.

[chiromama]

WOW! so much i want to reply to. but the monkey is crawling all over and chatty.. morning is such a fun time.. so i'll be brief.

I think this whole post partum period has been difficult for me. mostly because of birth trauma and the effects of it. I don't know if I'mcoming out of it, or not, but I'ma ctively working on doing things (like crafting - see my link in sig!) to give myself balance. I am lucky and have a partner that really is a partner, and does so much around the house, and is so active with ruby.. I know there are others out there who aren't as lucky.

As far as 1st bday goes... I didn't have a baby shower, but I think I'm gonna throw a baby birthday. I think we'll have a bbq at the park. that way everyones kids can run and be wild. an I don't have to clean house.

[sehbub]

re: pp trauma...i start therapy monday!

i'm very blessed in that b is very supportive of my seeking therapy, even going so far as to suggest it. i know part of it is that he wants his wife back, but the biggest portion of it is that he wants me to be comfortable in my own skin, and i'm just not.

yes, i'm still carrying around extra pounds (baby weight is gone, now i'm working on the getting-married-and-letting-go weight) but more than that, i'm just not comfortable.

i'm happy, blissfully happy, and wouldn't change my life at all, but every night when i go to bed i feel like i'm sinking a little further in to myself, and that scares me.


:
i'm waiting for pictures that my dad took at our birthday bash last month, and as soon as i get 'em i'll load them in to the slideshow and post the link.

for all!

[papayapetunia]

I really want to respond to a lot, but Lu is really sick right now. Please keep her in your thoughts/prayers. She has a fever and a really weird cough and has been vomiting and seems lethargic. I want to take her to a doctor, and I just found out by calling that our insurance expired on 4/30...and we never saw a doctor during the time we had it...the irony. Talk about feeling like a failure.

[Selesai]

Candice,
I'm so sorry to hear about Lu. I'll be thinking of her, and I hope you find out what is making her sick.


Could it be pertussis? I of course have no experience in these things but thought I'd throw it out there.

[fireant]

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

I really want to respond to a lot, but Lu is really sick right now. Please keep her in your thoughts/prayers. She has a fever and a really weird cough and has been vomiting and seems lethargic. I want to take her to a doctor, and I just found out by calling that our insurance expired on 4/30...and we never saw a doctor during the time we had it...the irony. Talk about feeling like a failure.

oh poor Lu!

She is in my thoughts.



We have a very similar sounding illness. My dd is still sleeping an extra four hours during the day and has lost a bunch of weight.

[The4OfUs]

Candice and fireant, I really hope that your little ones are feeling better soon and you can get to the bottom of what's causing them to be feeling bad.

[sehbub]

healing vibes coming your way, candice and FA!!

[papayapetunia]

Hey, thanks everyone. Things have calmed down. The fever is gone. I'm still sort of emotional about the whole thing, but Lu's getting better. The insurance thing is getting taken care of too.

I want to get back to the postpartum discussion! I think it's important.

I think I just feel sort of in a haze, yk? I also have gained weight since losing a bunch after Lu was born. I'd say I'm about 20 pounds over my ideal weight. Maybe 30, if I want to be unreasonable. I think I have this ideal in my head that I can never attain. I have a friend who gets up at the same time every morning, puts makeup on, cleans up, wakes up her baby, has him down for naps at the same time every day, to bed at the same time every night. And she's lost all the weight from the baby. Of course, she quit bfing at 6mo and uses sleep training, but still. I could go on and on about my perceived inadequacies, but I'll spare you all. Just want to keep the conversation going. It's really helpful to know I'm not alone. Thanks for starting this, Kara!

[sehbub]

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

Hey, thanks everyone. Things have calmed down. The fever is gone. I'm still sort of emotional about the whole thing, but Lu's getting better. The insurance thing is getting taken care of too.

I want to get back to the postpartum discussion! I think it's important.

I think I just feel sort of in a haze, yk? I also have gained weight since losing a bunch after Lu was born. I'd say I'm about 20 pounds over my ideal weight. Maybe 30, if I want to be unreasonable. I think I have this ideal in my head that I can never attain. I have a friend who gets up at the same time every morning, puts makeup on, cleans up, wakes up her baby, has him down for naps at the same time every day, to bed at the same time every night. And she's lost all the weight from the baby. Of course, she quit bfing at 6mo and uses sleep training, but still. I could go on and on about my perceived inadequacies, but I'll spare you all. Just want to keep the conversation going. It's really helpful to know I'm not alone. Thanks for starting this, Kara!

The mommy wars. Ugh.

A friend of mine was at her wits end with her son's sleep pattern, and she fell in to the advice of our mainstream playgroup and decided to try CIO. After three nights of him screaming for 45 minutes and never going to sleep, she gave up and brought him back in to her bed, where he belongs. I wish I'd known she was gonna try it, I could have talked her out of it.

Anyway, when she told someone that she'd given up on CIO because both she and her baby were miserable, the response was, "Well, I guess some people just aren't strong enough to do what's best." Poor thing was totally broken up about it, and felt like a failure. But then she saw how happy her baby was when he woke up beside her every morning, and it made it all worth it.

But that has nothing to do with your conversation.

[The4OfUs]

Candice, I'm so glad Lu is feeling better, and you got the wrinkles ironed out of the insurance.

re: pp issues - I didn't have any with DS, and I didn't realize that I had had them with DD until *after* I started coming out of it...that was at about 3-4 months for me, luckily. Mine mostly revolved around my parenting skills (or lack thereof) with DS in the early months after DD was born, combined with the sleep deprivation and "all mommy, all the time" nature of DD. I do remember describing it as coming out of a haze that I didn't even realize I was in. It's so hard to recognize when you're in the thick of it.

I joke to DH that I'm lucky to have a self-image the size of Wisconsin (don't ask me why I pick Wisconsin), because with the way I look right now, if I didn't have a lot of self confidence I'd be in trouble. I'm about 50 pounds overweight, but I've been overweight for years now since before DS was even conceived, so it's not "mommy weight" for me. I'm actually the lightest I've been in years now, since before DS was born, but I still have a LONG way to go. It bothers me in that I know it's not healthy and that I don't like the way clothes look on me, and I know that I want to do something about it sooner rather than later, but it apparently doesn't bother me enough to do anything right now, and it doesn't impact the way I feel about myself; something my parents did for me has made me never link my outward appearance to my self worth, and for that I am forever grateful (I have to remember to ask my mom how they approached that kind of stuff, cause they really hit it out of the park on that one with me). I know I could look a lot better than I do - but I don't really care enough about it just yet, I'm still too into the stains, dirt, and body fluids stage of small children to put much effort into looking polished.... I bought myself a nicer pair of olive khakis a couple months ago in an effort to be a step up from jeans, and the first time I wore them out I got something greasy on them and now they're ruined. Bah. I've been recently getting more motivated to change my eating habits, so I think within the next 6 months-year I'll probably start a sincere effort, once K is a little more independent. I don't want to be the frumpy, dumpy mom that embarrasses the kids...I want to embarrass them for other reasons, like my goofball personality. DH is a guy who likes curves, so he has no issues with the way I look now - but also loved the way I looked when we met (50 pounds lighter), so he doesn't really care whether I'm heavier or lighter...then again, I don't think I would have married him if he did.

I think the thing that bothers me most and makes me feel badly about myself is the house and housework. When I'm "on" and doing things regularly, I feel great and the house looks good. I tick off the chores on my chore list, and things are good...but if I let things go for even 2 days, it's a disaster area and I get so upset about it, feeling like I'm still just a kid "playing house" and when am I going to grow up? And I'm not even striving for perfection or "white glove"; I'm just striving for not being horrified if someone wants to come over. DH pitches in his share of housework; but he also generates a LOT of mess. His parents are hoarders and messy too, and since I do have a slob tendency I have to really motivate myself to stay on top of things because I feel so much better when things are neat. Not sparkling, but not disaster area (which is all too easy to slip back to).

As far as how I feel about my parenting, I have challenges with DS, but I'm good with DD. With DS it's the standard high-energy-budding independence-preschooler stuff, but I have to regularly remind myself to keep my cool and treat him the way I want to be treated; if I slip up and don't, he lets me know by being an inconvenient but deadly accurate reflection in his words and actions. I think DD is going to give me a run for the money because she's already so intense and opinionated....should be a very interesting next few years.

So while I may overall be pretty "together" and seem to kind of let things roll off my back and just kind of groove on, sometimes it also seems like it's just hanging by a thread, you know? Overall things are great here, but it's hard, hard work.

I think what pains me most is that many women look at this impossible standard of "perfection" and then blame themselves when they fall short. NO ONE is perfect, and most of the things that look perfect on the outside are crumbling on the inside, and/or just not worth the price to be paid for the "perfection".

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by sehbub

Anyway, when she told someone that she'd given up on CIO because both she and her baby were miserable, the response was, "Well, I guess some people just aren't strong enough to do what's best."

I hate this. That being compassionate and responsive is so often seen as 'weak'.

[fireant]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

I think what pains me most is that many women look at this impossible standard of "perfection" and then blame themselves when they fall short. NO ONE is perfect, and most of the things that look perfect on the outside are crumbling on the inside, and/or just not worth the price to be paid for the "perfection".

Thank you for this. I will try to remember it this weekend while I'm visiting judgmentville.

[papayapetunia]

Heather, I have the same issues with housework. Dh actually does a LOT of the cleaning as of late, but it just makes me feel like a bigger failure. I always say that my job is to be a mom, not a maid, but I would like to have it together enough to be able to keep the house clean just because I want it that way.

Also, dh is extremely generous with compliments about my appearance. He's a curve guy too. But I'm used to being a jogger, so I just feel like a frump for having no regular exercise routine. I looked like a 12yo boy before I had Tania, and after I had her, it was a real struggle to keep the weight off. Now, it's a real struggle to not balloon up entirely. And Mama likes her food.

Anyway, I feel better just having gotten this out. Even in the AP world, I still feel like if I'm not loving every minute of my life, I'm not reaching the ideal, yk? Like I should be gazing serenely at my perfect child all day long, just taking everything into stride and having this superior mommy wisdom about life. But it feels better knowing that a lot of us struggle with the same feelings.

[fireant]

I do absolutely no housework...well once in a while I do a load of laundry. I feel terrible about this. DH does almost everything in the house.

My duties are: go to work, go to school, and be with the baby when I'm home so DH can do chores.

I really should help out more. I feel so burned out when I get home. It's like I've bought him a dosen roses when I do the dishes. I need to find the motivation to be more of a help at home.

I think if I helped out more I would feel better about myself. It definetly makes me feel like crap that I don't.

[KnittingKara]

Thank you!

oh, mamas You have no idea how wonderful it has been to come here and read this thread! I'm totally crying, but with relief because finally I feel like somebody actually gets it, you know? And, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels like she's hanging on by a thread in some moments ... Thank you!

I have more to say and respond to, but Max is nursing and I'm not the best at typing one-handed, especially over a wiggly little body ... just had to reply that I was nervous about sharing so much and now I'm so very glad I did!