someone spit on my son.... (X posted in learning at home)

[kathymuggle]

This is a vent...but gentle advice welcome!

My son was hanging out with a less than popular child yesterday. He is 11/grade 5.

A group of mostly girls came up and said "why are you hanging out with that jacka$$? He replied (probably not too nicely...) and the girl pinched him and called him a variety of names. He pushed her, then she spit on him!!!

I called the school last night and left a message; it is now 12:34 and I am waiting for them to get back to me.

We are a home-schooling friendly family. My son chooses to go to school. For the life of me it is driving me:

He rarely tells on people at school- he beleives, quite correctly, that it does NO good.
He does tell me what goes on and I call the school over what I think are "calling the school worthy events". I have probably called the school about 5 times a year. I feel like nothing ever changes. The problems may stop for awhile, but they just come back. I am starting to feel like the school is uninterested or unable to solve these kind of "playground issue" problems.

I am also feeling like I am a bad mix with schools. I have little tolerance for this kind of crap, and am loosing faith in their ability to fix it.

I want to withdraw my son from school - I want him to understand that no one should get away with treating him this way, that adults should be able to help him (or at least take concerns seriously)... The only glitch is, my Ds does not want to be withdrawn. I am contemplating over-riding him though (not a decision I take lightly). I am wonderiing if he has far too low expectations of how he is to be treated...if he is settling for nasty treatment as a norm. Why else would he tolerate going to school? I am confused: I am also rambling

I just know I would never tolerate the behaviour he receives and I do not want him to tolerate it either!

UGH!

Kathy

[mammastar2]

That bites!

I can't believe some schools still expect children to put up with that stuff. I wonder if it's still the same old theory about having to learn how life works, etc etc. Yeah, because at the office the co-worker in the next cubicle over can come and spit on you anytime, no problem. :

Poor kid. I hope you get some answers.

[Thalia the Muse]

If he stood up for his friend and pushed back when the girl pinched him, it doesn't sound to me like he is tolerant of nasty treatment! He sounds really strong and centered -- he must be a pretty good kid.

It's appalling that the administration is doing nothing. I have to say, though, that if he wants to stay and seems to be handling it well, I think I would respect that.

[socialworkmamma]

I would keep calling the school until I got some satisfaction. If you remove your son, I feel like "they" are winning. Public schools need to be called on their tolerance of unacceptable behavior. I am sure they have reams of paper devoted to how to deal with the situation. The school is counting on you getting disgusted (and rightfully so) with their lack of followup and letting the incident drop. I work part-time teaching students at an alternative school. The inside view of public education in this country has made me sick in so many ways. My DD goes to a private school because I just found out too much for me to deal with. I just wanted to say stick to your guns and make the school deal with the issue. You are completely right that your son deserves better, and as a parent, so do you.

[kathymuggle]

Thank you mama's :

Kathy

[flyingspaghettimama]

At the same time, maybe your son needs some help in learning how not to escalate the situation. Him pushing her might be seen as more aggressive than pinching or spitting, you know? Walking away from the girls would be more effective and less likely to get him into trouble. She could spin that all sorts of nasty ways.

I would not override your son at this age, but instead trust in him. I was homeschooled against my will as a kid, and I still haven't gotten over it. Try not to badmouth the school too much, while still advocating for him.

[kathymuggle]

"At the same time, maybe your son needs some help in learning how not to escalate the situation". flyingspaghettimom

yeah, probably.

Send me some good vibes please! I know I should talk to the school (again, sigh) about how to help him use words to get out of situations like this, but i find talking to the school like

[flyingspaghettimama]

See, I hear you, but I think that this is probably not something you can expect the school to do. At age 11, he is old enough to take responsibility for his actions and words, at this point. I would present it as a choice he's making, and one that may have consequences. I have this talk with my seven year old, now. The school will probably see it as your responsibility to teach him the social skills in dealing with annoying people.

"You may choose to hit someone, but the consequence may be being expelled or detention or public humiliation or a dozen other not-fun things. If you want to go to school, you have to play by their rules. Nobody makes you do anything, you are making a choice to stand there and listen to someone humiliate you. By getting involved/giving a reaction, you're doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT. They're trying to get at you, and by letting them see they've succeeded, they've already won. All the better if you do something they can tell on you for..."

What she said sounds mean and stupid, but that's sometimes the way girls are at that age. I doubt there's little the school can do with that. Pinching and hitting is when the school starts to get involved, or at least schools around here. Some schools have anti-bullying programs - does yours? You might think about starting one or asking the school counselor to start one, in order to cut down on bullying across the board. Our school does have one, and they have many, many, many long talks about feelings and friendship and exclusion. But this is in younger grades.

[flyingspaghettimama]

Ok, I just read the other thread too.

I would look at some of the great books written on dealing with bullies and being a victim, and the emotional processes in general of the middle school child. Go browse your local bookstore or library. I hear that you're trying to prevent your own experience from happening to your son, but I'll bet there's a way you can accomplish that without your own baggage weighing you down.

If that makes any sense whatsoever.

[kathymuggle]

It does.

"I hear that you're trying to prevent your own experience from happening to your son, but I'll bet there's a way you can accomplish that without your own baggage weighing you down." flyingspaghettimom

That is the goal.

I KNOW I over-react to some school issues, but it is due to my own baggage. So many people under-reacted about my school problems...I felt I had no-one who could help me in school with fairly seriousbullying, and I do not want that for my children....

So, I am coming to feel that what I need to do is fugure out which stuff is my baggage (and hopefully release some of the pain), which stuff is real issues that need adressing, and how to help him develop "diffusing" situation skills.

I will also check out some books...see if i can gain some insight

kathy