Unbelievable Adoption/Teen Parent Story (returned) - Page 2

[MotheringBliss]

Diamond Baby Wow!

I'd love to have a taste of your second chance! Come join us over at the toddler forum! They are glorious, challenging, life-embracing little people!

I truly believe that she does and will remember you in the deepest part of her being. There are many people exploring the profound bonding that takes place in utero and even pre-conception!

The awesome insights from the people of Quantum Parenting have helped me immensely with understanding separation trauma and ways to heal.

http://www.quantumparenting.com/articles/3/

Here on MDC moms have used EMDR, Cranial-Sacral, and homeopathic therapies to gently uncover hidden grief and trauma with many reports of gradual success. Just take it one layer at a time.

The homeopathic Lac Maturnum (mother's milk) is described in depth here:

http://www.tinussmits.com/english/dy...ring/intro.htm

I've been using it to help my toddler man adjust to reduced nursing/supply from pregnancy until my milk returns. Also for my own maternal loss.

It may be a gentle way to create the space for that previous connection you shared with her at birth.

Check out The Continuum Concept book by Jean Leidloff. Great observations of the paramount importance of physical closeness and compassionate response with our little ones.

As you get more confident and comfortable with her, try out a toddler carrier. Few better ways of bonding than being close and active!

Perhaps consider sleeping with her if she feels best that way. As she heals, you may see regressive behavior resembling a much younger child and allowing her to re-claim an infancy in your arms can have far reaching effects in her level of security.

I love that your partner is so supportive! Give him a huge hug from me!

I've got TONS of info, referrals, resources....PM me anytime

I'm sooooo jealous of you!

[Diamond Baby]

--deleted--

[Emilie]

I am thinking of you so much.
So MUCH.
I know at 26 to be held by my bio mom was definetly something.
Emilie

[~*~Carrie~*~]

I don't normally post... just read but I had an advice about your dd calling you mommy.

When my dd was turning 4, I was getting married in less than a few months with a man that isn't her father but was taking on the father role. We slowly started referring him as 'Daddy'. She wants some juice... oh go and ask daddy. Or Mike would say "Taylor, come to daddy" etc... I would suggest you let her know your name but then just refer yourself as Mommy. She is still quite young and will probably start calling you mommy within a month.

As for her name, why not shorten it and just call her Anna. But keep her full name on the birth certificate.

[Diamond Baby]

--deleted--

[~*~Carrie~*~]

You say you're 19 right? Well just wait before she calls your bf 'Daddy'. You never know what the future holds and you're still young. I would wait until you're engage or married, only because if something ever happened between you and Sam (I think that's what you said his name was) Sam would not have to feel obligated to continue stepping up to the plate and being her dad. I'm sure he would if he loves you as much as it shows through your post but men can be pathetic when situations changes. I only say this because I know from experience.

I was almost 19 when I had my daughter and I got serious with a guy, thought he was going to be the one. He decided eventually that he didn't like the stay at home after work and throw away the party days so we broke up. She was only 10 months old but still... and he got pretty attached to her that when we did break up he wouldn't allow any of our mutual friends or his family talk about Taylor, it hurt him too much.

You can take my advice or you can leave it. I just thought I would let you know my way of handling it and why. Goodluck and have a great "baby moon".

[Diamond Baby]

--deleted--

[~*~Carrie~*~]

Originally Posted by Diamond Baby

That's why I'm more set on Ana calling him Sam - because even though he lives with me & we've been together for bout 2 years things could still change alot. I think she's had enough loss and confusion in her life that I don't wanna make things worse.

Another thought I've been having and would like opinions on: words to use when talking about death. Of course I'm gonna have to address this issue, but from what I've been reading infants under about 4 can't really grasp that death is permentant and will probably keep asking questions. So I wanna make sure I'm using language that is suitable for her to understand and not scare her. I was thinking:

Your mommy and daddy were in a very bad accident. The doctors tried to make them better but they were very ill and they died. So now they will be with you in your memories, and pictures. But you won't be able to see them anymore.

Do you think that's ok? I was also gonna add:

Your mommy and daddy looked after you when Mommy Sarah (me) couldn't. But now Mommy Sarah is gonna to look after you and love you and your other mommy and daddy have gone to be angels.

At 2 years old, I think that would confuse her. I wouldn't mention it at all and if she asks for them just say they are in heaven. I'm babysitting a 2 year old right now and I can't see him understanding me saying "Mommy's at work to make some money so that you have food. But she'll be home tonight at 5 and you'll see her then. Right now mommy has Carrie watching you so that you aren't alone." All he would understand is, Mommy's at work and you'll see her later.

I am sure this is a lot for you to learn since you haven't been with her since day 1. It'll come naturally so don't worry.

[Diamond Baby]

--deleted--

[lauren]

This thread is being returned. Posts that violated the UA have been removed. As way of reminder, UA #1 states:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

It is acceptable to ask clarifying questions if you do not understand DiamondBaby's situation. It is o.k. to PM DiamondBaby to discuss concerns. It is o.k. to PM the moderator or administrators if there are concerns. But it is not o.k. to violate the UA.

[~*~Carrie~*~]

Doesn't your baby come home today? You must be so excited!

[aja-belly]

so you are getting full custody without even visits or anything first? that seems really irresponsible of the local social services, doesn't it? did you have to complete a homestudy?

i'm anxious to hear how she is doing when she gets there. my heart breaks for this little girl.

[Jessy1019]

I think this will prove to be absolutely wonderful for both of you . . . I know so many mothers who would die to have a second chance like this (as well as many adult adoptees who have similar wishes). You are going to do great!!

I would definitely refer to yourself as her mommy; you always have been even if you haven't been with her . . . but I agree there's no reason for her to call your boyfriend daddy since he's not.

She will remember you on a physical and emotional level even if she can't express it. She's gone through a lot in her short life, but having you back will certainly help her heal.

I'm so very glad that the state hasn't tried to put you through any kind of hell to get her back -- surprised, but very very glad!

If you have any questions or need anything, feel free to PM me.

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by aja-belly

so you are getting full custody without even visits or anything first? that seems really irresponsible of the local social services, doesn't it? did you have to complete a homestudy?

i'm anxious to hear how she is doing when she gets there. my heart breaks for this little girl.

:

Did they have you meet her under supervised settings first or did they just hand her over? I have never known that to happen with social services before. My best friend's sister is a foster mom and when her foster girls were adopted the family went through several months of introductions where the time they spent with the adoptive family was gradually increased and eventually unsupervised, then the girls were there full-time. It was a gradual process though. I can't imagine just handing a child over to a complete stranger....that doesn't make much sense to me.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by Houdini

:

Did they have you meet her under supervised settings first or did they just hand her over? I have never known that to happen with social services before. My best friend's sister is a foster mom and when her foster girls were adopted the family went through several months of introductions where the time they spent with the adoptive family was gradually increased and eventually unsupervised, then the girls were there full-time. It was a gradual process though. I can't imagine just handing a child over to a complete stranger....that doesn't make much sense to me.

She stated in another thread that she was named as guardian in the adopters' will. I know I would be absolutely livid (from the grave) if my kids were placed into foster care and my selected guardians were forced to go through any kind of scrutiny at all before they took custody of my kids. Besides, she is Ana'a mother, not a complete stranger.

Besides, the OP surrendered her daughter, her daughter was not removed by the state. There is no reason to think that she is unfit to parent -- I for one think it's wonderful that she was given a second chance and wish more mothers in her situation would have been given the same opportunity.

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

She stated in another thread that she was named as guardian in the adopters' will. I know I would be absolutely livid (from the grave) if my kids were placed into foster care and my selected guardians were forced to go through any kind of scrutiny at all before they took custody of my kids. Besides, she is Ana'a mother, not a complete stranger.

Interesting.....the guardian in the will. Did you have a relationship with the adoptive parents? I thought you said you received letters/photos, but did you have any other kind of contact where they would know about how you were doing and where you were in your life.

There was no mention of a will in this thread and I only skimmed the other thread. The OP did state the following...

Originally Posted by Diamond Baby

Neither set of grandparents is able to take care of the child (either deceased or living in a nursing home), the mother is an only child and the dad has a brother but he's travelling in Hong Kong.

Originally Posted by Diamond Baby

Three weeks ago she got contacted about her daughter, got told the situation and whether she wanted the child returned to her care.

Why would the state (the child is in a foster home, so I assume the state is involved) even consider any of the other relatives if there were already orders in place? Did the adoptive parents let you know of the arrangements? I guess I am just trying to clarify why you would need time to decide if the will was already set up for you to receive custody.

Sorry, but the little girl has never met her before...she is a complete stranger to her, biological ties or not.

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

Besides, the OP surrendered her daughter, her daughter was not removed by the state. There is no reason to think that she is unfit to parent -- I for one think it's wonderful that she was given a second chance and wish more mothers in her situation would have been given the same opportunity.

I guessed state involvement when the OP talked of her being in a foster home. I never said she was unfit. I said I had never heard of a child being handed to a complete stranger without some sort of introductory phase.

[Jessy1019]

The will was clearly mentioned in the other thread . . . I am also thinking there may be some phsical distance here that would have prevented the OP from taking custody immediately.

Though honestly, I don't think an introductory phase should ever be necessary here -- this poor little girl already ended up with strangers in foster care. Why drag that out to conduct an investigation on someone who has done nothing wrong and who is this baby's family? At least now she is home with her mom (who I would not ever call a stranger, no matter how many years have passed).

OP: I hope everything is going well for you and your daughter.

[Igraine]

What a beauty and an amazing story.

About the name... I have a friend who had her name changed when she was 5/6 when she was adopted. It was (and still is) a pretty weird experience for her. It is a long term change and we do not always know what it might create for the baby girl in the future.

All I can say is good luck and what an incredible story. I am so glad I signed on! Wow!

[Kerry]

This is an amazing story. I feel awful for your little girl and all that she still needs to go through, but boy, how lucky you both are to get a second chance at a life together.

~Kerry

[clothcrazymom]

Just because someone is named a guardian in a will does not mean the child will end up with them. Much of all that will depend upon the laws in that area.

It's rather amazing that adoptive parents would name a birth parent as a guardian in a will when they didn't have a close relationship to begin with.

Once an adoption is final....it does not matter what the biological connection may be, in the eyes of the laws. As far as the law is concerned, once the adoption is final the biological connection never existed. They are not looked at any differently than any non related person or stranger. If the bio mother really was listed as the guardian...that would be different. But not just anyone can be named as a guardian. I know this is different in different areas. But as we listed guardians such things as financial stability etc are reported on the guardianship forms.

There are lots of people out there that go for kinship adoptions after someone in the family has passed...they typically still have to go through a homestudy and some sort of process is involved.

Of course most of us are discussing this very amazing situation as it would be in the states and it's in the UK. Someone else stated how things are there but because of some of the things they posted, it was removed.

It will be interesting to see what ends up happening here if we get to find out. I just hope this little one is ok!