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I'm not ready to let my dh take ds that far away yet - Page 2

post #21 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away.
Can't they just go for a walk? Dh could strap DS into an ergo or another baby carrier, or a stroller, and just head out and find interesting things to look at.

I realize you're not hearing what you want to, but I personally think that there may be a good reason for that.

I have good friends whose DH's seriously are incompetent with their babies because the DH's never step up and offer to bathe, change, rock, walk with, their children, much less take them out somewhere on their own. I personally think it is wonderful that your DH wants to take your DS out on his own for a little bit, and I would nurture that desire. He wants to take care of his child, and he wants to figure things out for himself. That needs to start early, because otherwise your DS might not be so receptive to it later on, especially if you have another child and the whole regression/jealousy thing sets in.

If you're worried about them going to far away, I agree, take baby steps and send them on a walk together. Or you go with them somewhere but then take a walk by yourself while they play at a park or somewhere else.

I fail to see what bad could happen, except that your DH and DS get to know each other better and strengthen their bond. Good for all involved!
post #22 of 115
I just want to add, in light of your x-post that I, and probably most mamas on this thread exclusively breastfed our babies. In case that seemed in doubt.
post #23 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
Is there anyone out there that feels the way I do? Please post. I came here to ask for support. I totally trust my dh, but I know my ds and it's just not happening yet. The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away. My dh is a dawdeler by the way and would keep him out longer than I would like. I like the continuum concept way of parenting. That being said I know when I'm not ready for them to go out by themselves. I guess I must have posted this in the wrong place to find people who feel the same way and would give me support on this issue. The soonest I'm thinking is probably when we have our next child.

This is support. Support for both parents.

What you seem to want is everyone to agree with you. Not a lot of people will agree that a parent should not be able to take their child out.

A one year old should be able to go couple of hours without breastfeeding. I really hope that you get the agreement with your ideas that you seem to really want. I also hope that your husband doesn't give up and detach because he isn't "allowed" to take his child out.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. But when I see post after post on these boards about guys who seem to think that their only obligation is a paycheck and sperm, and then I read your post about how your husband actually seems interested in parenting, I got a little put out over your ideas. I mean the child is not a newborn. And next Fall is a little too long for you to wait to "allow" your husband to take his child out, IMO.

Maybe your cousin will give you the pat on the back and sympathy you want. Good luck.
post #24 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
This is support. Support for both parents.

What you seem to want is everyone to agree with you. Not a lot of people will agree that a parent should not be able to take their child out.

A one year old should be able to go couple of hours without breastfeeding.
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.
post #25 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.


Oh I read your last post.

No one wants you to leave. But, you are not going to find people here who will simply tickle your ears with what you want to hear. You will find people who will give you ideas, and tell you what they think.

Good luck finding that board. But, I really hope you will at least open your mind to considering what some of the ladies here had to say. Good luck with your husband and child too.
post #26 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.
Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.
post #27 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.


You're just wanting to go to a place where everyone agrees with you? What good will that do? This is a DISCUSSION board--so people are discussing, giving you ideas--not an everybody agree with me board.

Not to mention, he is THE FATHER!!!!! How can you be married to someone you don't trust? I don't understand that at all. He has just as much of a right to that child as you do--unless he is abusive or something. Otherwise, let him parent, and be so happy you have a father who is so involved.
post #28 of 115
I wish you wouldn't leave! I would love to understand your position better!
When you first posted, you asked what ages we were comfy with...That's kinda what I was speaking to in my original reply. But I would never want to try to pressure a mother into letting her kid go with her/his dad if the mother wasn't comfortable with it. But for myself, I have trouble really offering insight unless I understand better.
post #29 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
We homebirth and even so my ds would be there in the hosp. with us. My dh does know how to comfort our ds for things that don't need nursies. We have an acre yard and 10 acres total and I insist on them going outside to play or for him to put him in the carrier and wash his motorcycle or whatever he needs to do outside. I encourage it. I'm talking about going out in the car and driving 30 minutes to the nearest place. My mama bear reaction is that is to far just yet. Maybe I should just call up my cousin who would totally understand. I hope she is home.
Your son won't be able to stay in the hospital though.

I would suggest going to the nearest place with him, then stay in the car and read a good book while your husband enjoys bonding with his son.

I am still baffled that a man has to ask permission to take his own child anywhere. :

You husband can't learn how to comfort his son if you do not allow it.
post #30 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.

I certainly wasn't trying to invalidate anyone's feelings here.

I am very sympathetic and get really upset over daddies who seem to act indifferent toward their kids, etc. I honestly understand that this mama isn't ready for change. BUT, I also see insinuations that indicate that the relationship between father and child is micromanaged and it makes me sad. No father or mother should be "allowed" to take their child out. It should just be a given.

I would feel a little differently if this were a newborn. But this is a 1 yr old. Surely a car trip for a couple of hours out somewhere is not going to hurt anything.
post #31 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands.
I'm a huge fan of the Continuum Concept, but I can't seem to recall where in that book she discouraged a father taking his 1 year old out for a walk?

I just want to say that you mamas are wonderfully gentle. This thread made me and especially my DH
post #32 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.
Thank you so much this is exactly what kind of respectful post that I thought I was going to get instead of being flamed for not letting my dh access to his child. He spends lots of time w/other people esp. dh, but I am at a distance where I can get to him quickly without him getting too upset. Dh has not been home enough to have a bond like other dads and this is why I'm hesitant. There are a lot of times my ds doesn't see his dad for days and won't even let him hold him when he does see him and I insist on them being together when he gets home and ds is still awake. We are trying get him up earlier to remedy this, but it doesn't always help, he wants to sleep.
post #33 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rzberrymom View Post
I'm a huge fan of the Continuum Concept, but I can't seem to recall where in that book she discouraged a father taking his 1 year old out for a walk?

I just want to say that you mamas are wonderfully gentle. This thread made me and especially my DH

I think if you read my last post you wouldn't feel this way. They go for walks, play in the yard that is an entire acre, they go for walks on our ten acres. If it takes a 30 minute drive to get somewhere then the shortest time would be an hour and that would be to drive straight there and straight back. They've never done this and I don't plan on my son being that far away from me for that long yet. They could go to the post office and back. I would be fine with that. That's 20 minutes and they would go and come back. Maybe I can handle that.
I do encourage them doing stuff on thier own. Your all taking it that I don't let them do anything together by themselves. So far from the truth.
post #34 of 115
When you say you insist your husband spend that time with him, your use of the word 'insist' has me wondering...is there hesitation on your husband's part? Is he kind of saying he wants to spend time with your child but on 'his' terms and not yours or your child's?
post #35 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
There are a lot of times my ds doesn't see his dad for days and won't even let him hold him when he does see him and I insist on them being together when he gets home and ds is still awake. We are trying get him up earlier to remedy this, but it doesn't always help, he wants to sleep.
This part makes it seem even more important to go with them somewhere that you can separate letting them bond out away from home. It is critical (IMO) if one parent isn't as accessible that they be given numerous opportunities when they are accessible to bond with their child.
post #36 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
I think if you read my last post you wouldn't feel this way. They go for walks, play in the yard that is an entire acre, they go for walks on our ten acres. If it takes a 30 minute drive to get somewhere then the shortest time would be an hour and that would be to drive straight there and straight back. They've never done this and I don't plan on my son being that far away from me for that long yet. They could go to the post office and back. I would be fine with that. That's 20 minutes and they would go and come back. Maybe I can handle that.
I do encourage them doing stuff on thier own. Your all taking it that I don't let them do anything together by themselves. So far from the truth.
I understand your reluctance to not be with the little one, but you and your husband need to be in agreeance on this. It will only create unnecessary tension if he feels he needs to have permission to go somewhere with his son. If your husband "doesn't get it," then it sounds like you are the one controlling the situation.

I notice your posts keep saying things like "I don't plan on," "I would be fine with ....," or "he would keep him out longer than I would like." That makes it seem like you are making all the decisions regarding when the little one is going to be doing something. You guys need to be in agreeance and not have one of your making all the decisions about the little one.
post #37 of 115
Hi Mamas!

OP, I can really understand your point of view. I am a believer in CC, too. In an ideal world (and yes, I try to live in one and wish that I never had to compromise) I would never be without my babe. I had to grieve over letting go of that ideal. DH would take DS for MUCH longer than we agreed upon.

Maybe you could send DS with DH out after both naps (my DS didn't usually eat again after his second naptime until bedtime at that age). And have them come back for an early dinner (this would be incentive for your DH to be at home on time)??

I was always a wreck about my DS going out with my DH, but DS was always okay. *I* wasn't. Ugh. I feel badly that we live in a non-CC constructed society. Good luck, OP!
post #38 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamajama View Post
When you say you insist your husband spend that time with him, your use of the word 'insist' has me wondering...is there hesitation on your husband's part? Is he kind of saying he wants to spend time with your child but on 'his' terms and not yours or your child's?
I guess from when he was little I've had to more than not tell him to hold, play with you name it w/ds because I wanted them to bond more esp. because he works so much as many dh's do these days. I have had a discussion with him a couple times about him taking ds outside or stay in the house while I do something inside or outside, but close enough he can get me if he needs help (his big thing is he tells me ds likes mama better than him, well I do nurse him and take care of him most of the time) . I guess I feel like I'm always telling him to get up because he wants to sleep more even after telling me he would take care of ds minus the nursing part for the whole weekend.

Quote:
This part makes it seem even more important to go with them somewhere that you can separate letting them bond out away from home. It is critical (IMO) if one parent isn't as accessible that they be given numerous opportunities when they are accessible to bond with their child.
That's a good idea. We actually do this at swim class sometimes because lately he has been afraid of letting go of me when not a month before he was fine swimming w/ the instructor or my dh just fine. I will have to have my dh play with ds at the park for awhile together and then I will join them for family time. Thanks.
post #39 of 115
I mean this in a very nice way, but do you have any personal abandonment issues? Did you feel like your mother was "there" for you?

I think sometimes we can go too far in the other direction. I do personally feel that a child needs to spend lots of quality time with both parents, and each parent must come up with their own strategy for soothing and caretaking. Breastfeeding isn't the only way to soothe a child. Your husband will discover his ways of caretaking, but I agree with PPs, you must relinquish your control over the situation. What your husband probably hears is< "I don't trust you."
post #40 of 115
Quote:
I'm talking about going out in the car and driving 30 minutes to the nearest place. My mama bear reaction is that is to far just yet.
I can really, really, really understand your position. I really can. I feel the same way. However.....I don't think it is a healthy position to be in. : I always worry when my dh takes my kids out....and the further away...the more I worry. I worry about car accidents..I just feel uncomfortable. However, I have come to realize that is MY problem...and MY issue. It isn't fair to hold my child or dh back from a relationship because *I* am an overanxious worrywort. I have learned that I just have to let go and trust..I can't hold on forever.

I understand what you are saying, about being worried that your dh won't be able to comfort your son...but I would look deep within and see if that is the REAL reason. Is it really the comfort thing, or more that you just don't feel comfortable having your child "far away" or dh taking him 30 minutes away by car (I worry about car accidents a lot). Are you REALLY worried just about the comfort..or are you just not willing to "let go"
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